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From another mailing list....

------- Forwarded Message

This came across the Chocolatelovers DL and was originally published in a 
recent issue of Physics Today by Gary Taubs.  

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				Onward to the Dessertron

The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a 
collossal doughnut-shaped accellerator so immense that all the jelly and 
cream in the world could not fill it.  Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will 
create twin beams of ice cream - one vanilla, one chocolate - and will smash 
them together at energies of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one 
thousand times more powerful than any ice cream smasher ever made.  Because 
matter and energy are equivalent in desserts - eternally linked by Einstein's 
famous equation:  (extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared 
- - when these beams collide they will do more than make soft yogurt.  
Theorists believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will 
be elementary flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening 
than any known now.

"Every  time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says high-calorie 
fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for 
proving that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry 
rhubarb and French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like 
flavor) "we have discovered something new.  At one sprinkle, we discovered 
the banana.  At one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds 
and milkshakes were simply different variations of ice cream and milk.  At 
a million, we discovered fudge and made brownies.....and were content.  The 
next big step was another factor of 1000, and quantum crust theories were  
invented as well as the Little Jack Hoerner uncertainty principle.  It's 
clear that what we need to do is study desserts at several trillion sprinkles."

In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug 
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the 
next two decades should be the ice cream accellerator officially named the 
Superconducting Super Osterizer  (SSO).  The mammoth blender, as they have 
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different 
speeds from puree all the way through whip.  It would take twelve years to 
build and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice and make 
moist icing.  Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find 
are the rasberry quark, the Higgs Sundae  (which may be responsible for 
defining the caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous 
symmetry breakfasting);  those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor 
- - which postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is 
actually a bound state of more elementary desserts;  and the particles of 
sugarsymmetry, which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and 
banino cream pies and several different flavors of antipastries.

Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in 
science.  Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and Sealtest 
have already put in bids for the machine, and many more are expected.  The 
state of Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will 
pay for the tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice 
cream down to a few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial 
preservatives.  When the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence 
in desserts well into the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous 
Italian fizzacist and discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie 
cannoli, "Once this machine is built, American scientists will finally get 
their just desserts."

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