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What DC residents fantasize about

                      WHEN YOU'RE RIPE ...

Being disenfranchised, residents of the Federal District often spend their
time fantasizing about whom they would vote for if they lived in a
real state. It's like dieters who think about food all the time.

So, I was thinking about whom I would vote for in the Massachusetts
gubernatorial election where Boston University President John Silber
is running on the Democratic side and someone named Wald or something
like that is running on the Republican side.

My analysis of the issues began with Silber's position on the
elderly which is simply, "When you're ripe, it's time to go!"
At first, I thought this made sound fiscal sense. After all,
ripe people are diverting national resources from important
expenditures like the S&L bailout and the stealth bomber,
which is a must if we are going to take out Saddam Hussein's
mistress without waking up Saddam.

However, this morning I realized that I had at least two
properties which people usually associate with "ripeness",
namely being rather soft and occasionally sweet. Or, at least, I
have been told I was sweet by several people, including several
elderly aunts and my departmental secretary. Also, I have
quite a few birthmarks, which on a banana could be taken
for evidence of further ripening. This, coupled with all the
emphasis on metaphorical reasoning since the advent of the
MacIntosh interface, have caused me to reconsider my previous
enthusiasm for Silber's policy concerning ripeness.

Thus, I believe that Silber's policy on ripeness could be quite
contrary to my own personal safety. I certainly could not
vote for Silber unless we as a nation reach a clear consensus
on just what constitutes ripeness in the human being.

On this basis, if I lived in Massachusetts, I'd probably
vote for Wald.