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Yucks Digest V1 #17
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #17
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Fri, 8 Feb 91 23:58:32 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Fri, 8 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 17
Today's Topics:
Dave Barry -- Credit Record Attack
It was a grand experiment...
Taxing News.
Multimedia, Hypermedia, Hypertext?
Radio 1's list of 64 'banned' songs during the Gulf War
Re: Everyone loves a parade
roaches
Victor Kiam
Yucks Digest V1 #16
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 31 Jan 91 20:13:47 GMT
From: browns@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com (Stan Brown)
Subject: Dave Barry -- Credit Record Attack
Newsgroups: misc.consumers
[I think this is appropriate, especially after the Lotus Markeplace
flap. --spaf]
CREDIT RECORD ATTACK
by DAVE BARRY
Recently I received an exciting offer in the mail from my credit-card
company. Usually their offers involve merchandise that no actual human
would ever need.
``Dear Mr. Dave Barry,'' they say. ``How many times have you asked
yourself: `Why can't I cook shish ke-bab AND enjoy recorded music?'
Well, Mr. Dave Barry, because you are a valued customer who has
consistently demonstrated, by paying us 3 million percent interest, that
you have the financial astuteness of a lint ball, we are making
available to you a Special Opportunity to purchase this deluxe
combination gas barbecue grill and CD player.''
But this recent offer was even better. This was an offer to sell me
MY OWN CREDIT RATING. Yes. One of the great benefits of living in
America is that, regardless of your race or religion or hygiene habits,
you are entitled to have a credit rating maintained by large
corporations with powerful computers that know EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. For
example, let's say that this morning you deposited your paycheck at the
bank, made a phone call, wrote a check for your electric bill and
charged some gasoline on your credit card. By this afternoon, thanks to
high-speed laser fiber-optic data transmission, the computers will know
EVERY SEXUAL FANTASY YOU HAD while you were doing these things. And
don't think they keep it to themselves, either. They are as human as the
next person. They go to computer parties, they have a few too many
diskettes, and the next thing you know they're revealing your intimate
secrets at the rate of four billion per second.
That's why I was so excited about this offer from my credit-card
company to sell me the TRW CREDENTIALS service. TRW is a large company
that collects credit information about people and sells it. According to
the TRW CREDENTIALS offer, if I give them $20 a year, they'll let me see
my information.
The offer states: ``Financial experts recommend that you carefully
review your credit report TWICE A YEAR to check its information and make
certain that it is accurate.''
In other words -- correct me if I am wrong here -- they're telling me
that I should give them $20 a year so I can look at the information
ABOUT ME that they collected WITHOUT MY PERMISSION and have been selling
for years to GOD ALONE KNOWS WHO so I can see if it's INCORRECT.
Which it very well could be. Because even with computers, things
sometimes go wrong. I know you find this hard to believe, inasmuch as we
live in such a competent nation, a nation capable of producing
technological wonders such as the Hubble Orbiting Space Telescope, the
only orbiting telescope in the universe equipped with dark glasses and a
cane. But sometimes mistakes do get made, and they could affect your
credit.
For example, just recently we got a phone call at home, at night,
from a woman from a collection agency. She said we'd be in big trouble
if we didn't turn over four cable-TV boxes, which she said we had failed
to return to the cable company when we moved a year ago. I explained
that, (1) it was only two boxes, and (2) we had made three appointments
with the cable company to get them, but nobody ever showed up, and (3)
we would love to get rid of them, and (4) maybe SHE could get the cable
company to come get them. The woman said, basically, that it was too
late for that, because this matter had been turned over to a COLLECTION
AGENCY, which is apparently several levels above the U.S. Supreme Court,
and we better hand over four cable boxes or this would go on our
Permanent Credit Record.
So I called up the cable company, and joined the millions of
Americans on hold, waiting to talk to one of the nation's estimated four
cable-company service representatives, two of whom are on break. Future
generations, when they look at formal family portraits from this era,
will say, ``There's Aunt Martha, who was a teacher, and the man holding
the phone receiver to his ear is Uncle Bob, who was on hold to the cable
company.''
Finally, miraculously, I got through, and even more miraculously,
they came out and got our boxes. And I was feeling very good about
America until the collection-agency woman called again, at night, to
inform me that we'd be in big trouble if we didn't turn over the boxes.
All four of them.
So I don't know what our credit record says. I wouldn't be surprised
if it holds us largely to blame for the savings-and-loan scandal. So I'm
definitely interested in the TRW CREDENTIALS offer.
However, I don't like to do business with an outfit unless I know
something about it. So I've decided to develop a file on TRW. I'd
certainly appreciate anything you can contribute. But I don't want any
wild speculative unfounded rumors, such as:
-- TRW is the world's largest distributor of hard-core pornography.
-- TRW has destroyed two-thirds of the Earth's ozone layer.
-- TRW is a satanic vampire cult headed by the love child of Jim
Bakker and Leona Helmsley.
There is no need to run the risk that absurd statements such as these
might get into print. In fact, it would probably be a wise idea for TRW
to examine my file, from time to time, just to make sure NOTHING
INACCURATE appeared in there.
I'm sure we can work something out.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Feb 91 15:58:26 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It was a grand experiment...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
[See the next entry for a possible explanation not considered in this
one. --spaf]
Wednesday, February 6, 1991
San Francisco Chronicle
People Section, Page B3
Lack of desire the No. 1 complaint about sex
By Ruthe Stein
Chronicle Staff Writer
A TV cameraman complains that after nine years of marriage, he and
his wife are down to having sex four times a year. It isn't just that
they have children or that his wife, who works full time time, is
exhausted at night.
``I don't have the desire for sex anymore,'' he admits. ``It's a
two-way street, but the loss of desire is probably expressed more by me
than her. I was as sexually active as the next one when I was young.
And I say to myself: `Is that it?' ... It makes me sad to think that
part of my life is gone and won't be back again.''
A department store buyer says that since her son was born two years
ago, sex has become a chore. She goes through the motions about twice a
month, but only because her husband insists.
``He bitches about it a lot. He uses sex as a barometer of our
relationship. When we're not having it, he thinks something is wrong.
But my son fills my need for affection. Sex is one more thing I have to
do -- one more task I have to get through in the course of a day.''
In woody Allen's new movie, ``Alice,'' Mia Farrow, playing a bored
housewife, babbles on about how she and her husband hardly ever have sex
anymore. ``I lost interest, then he lost interest because I did. Or
maybe he lost interest first.''
Lack of desire is now the No. 1 complaint couples have about their
sex lives. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 20
percent of the population -- men and women alike -- have little or no
desire for sexual intercourse. Sex therapists say that half their
patients have what is known in the profession as a ``desire disorder,''
and that this has been the case for the last eight years.
A distinction is made between desire and being sexually active.
``Desire is a physical and emotional interest in having sex. One can
have that interest and not have sex, in the same way that one may have a
strong desire for a hot fudge sundae, but not get one every time he or
she feels like it,'' said Oakland psychologist and sex therapist Bernie
Zilbergeld.
Conversely, couples may have mechanical sex because they feel
obligated to -- not out of a real desire. They don't have to be married
for their desire to dissipate. Studies have shown there is a drop in
intensity and passion when people begin to live together and another drop
after marriage.
Therapists are asking themselves why this problem should be so
prevalent now and why it should be affecting those who supposedly had
their libidos liberated during the sexual revolution more than 20 years
ago, as well as those in their 20s and 30s who felt the impact of loser
sexual mores.
One theory is the problem has always existed, but before the 60s
couples were too inhibited to get help for it. There may be another
connection between the sexual revolution and ``desire disorder'': With
sex having become a more enjoyable experience, especially for women,
couples know exactly what they're missing.
``It used to be that people didn't sleep together before marriage,
which brought its own set of problems,'' said Lillian Rubin, a San
Francisco psychotherapist and social scientist and author of ``Erotic
Wars: What Happened to the Sexual Revolution?''
``Now we have this wide experience of single life, with all the
excitement of single sex. When that intensity and passion diminishes, it
feels like a very great disappointment. If you didn't know any
different, one wouldn't have that concern we hear about. People keep
comparing their sex life in marriage to the earlier period when they were
single.''
Their expectations are higher now, fueled by a plethora of sexy
movies, advice books and articles in woman's magazines on how to keep sex
alive in marriage, Rubin said. But there is no way sex with your spouse,
whom you brush your teeth next to, can be as passionate as it was for
Kevin Costner and Sean Young in the back seat of a limo in ``No way out.''
However, critics Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel have speculated that
explicit movies such as ``Henry and June'' and ``White Palace'' may be a
reaction to the fact that people aren't having sex the way they used to
-- that they're watching instead of doing.
The Hectic Life
A correlation has been made between lack of desire and the hectic
lives that couples now lead, in which both people are likely to work,
take care of the home and rear the children.
``If your head is cluttered up with a lot of concerns about different
things, it is very difficult to desire sex,'' said New York psychiatrist
Anthony Pietropinto, author of ``Not Tonight Dear: How to Reawaken Your
Sexual Desire.''
``If a woman is thinking about her career, she can't possibly be
thinking about sex. You can argue that 30 or 40 years ago, you didn't
see the desire problem because the man said, `OK, let's have sex.' The
more complex roles become, the less automatic sex is. There are so many
other diversions. There is competition for your time. I mean, a guy may
have more fun with his personal computer than having sex with his wife.''
But Rubin thinks the problem is more complicated than simply too many
other things competing for the time couples have to be intimate. People
who date have the same stresses in their lives, she said.
``They're both working. They may have to cross town to find each
other and yet they manage to do that with great excitement. It is harder
to have sex when you're single. You have to go somewhere. You don't
just come home and there it is. But people manage, and when they're not
together they call each other and say how much they miss each other and
desire each other. So it can't just be that we're too busy.''
She believes that there are other psychological factors. For
example, once people make some kind of commitment to each other, whether
it's marriage or living together, a lot of other people -- parents,
former spouses, ex-lovers -- come into bed with them, so to speak, who
can inhibit their desire.
Differences of Desire
Lack of desire may not be considered a problem for a couple if both
people are experiencing it. If the wife wants to make love five times a
week and the husband only wants to twice a week, however, then he may be
perceived as having a problem.
``Sometimes we're not looking at a lack of desire so much as
difference of desire,'' said Marin sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, whose
forthcoming book, ``Going the Distance,'' will look at sexual
relationships over the long haul. ``A couple may start outwith a
difference in desire level that gets exacerbated over time. The person
who wants sex more keeps pushing for it, and the other person starts
feeling overwhelmed.
``We always think that the person who wants it less has the problem
because more sex is better in our society. Sex solves a lot of
problems. It is a distraction when they're bored, a way to relax when
they're frustrated, a pick-me-up when they're depressed. The other
person may have to work on the partner who has a higher level of interest
to find other ways of dealing with whatever sex is solving for him or
her.''
In half the cases seen by sex therapists, it is the woman complaining
she is not having sex as often as she would like. Zilbergeld, author of
``Male sexuality,'' said in a significant number of his male patients,
performance fears ``will work themselves into a loss of desire.''
``Let's say that the man fears he has an erection problem or that he
will fail to perform in the way he would like to. One way of not dealing
with his fear is just not to have sex.''
Loss of Meaning
To Manis Friedman, a Minnesota rabbi whose new book, ``Doesn't Anyone
Blush Anymore?'' (Harper San Francisco, $14.95) has the distinction of
being endorsed by Bob Dylan, the fault, the fault is not with the couple,
but with the ``blatant sexuality'' of the times. he believes intimacy
has lost the meaning it once had now that people are bombarded by sexual
images on TV and men and women who are casual acquaintances think nothing
of kissing and hugging.
``A hug should be considered a sexual act. For a man to be alone
with a woman should be considered intimate. But those activities that
used to stimulate sexuality in a person are no longer significant. We
are becoming jaded. Now a man comes home and does exactly the same thing
with his wife that he does with a woman he works with. Those acts are no
longer a sexual stimulant. They don't help to create intimacy.''
Friedman questions whether the sexual revolution really advanced
people's intimate lives.
``It was a grand experiment, but it's time to examine the results.
We seem to have surrendered any private or sacred space we had. Maybe
our parents or grandparents weren't nearly as repressed as we think they
were. Maybe they didn't discuss these things -- not because they
couldn't -- but because they wouldn't. It would be ironic if for all our
sexual liberation, they had better intimate lives than we have.''
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 91 20:42:13 EST
From: someone
Subject: Taxing News.
To: spaf
Human sperm subject to the GST
========
Canadian Press. From The Gazette, Montreal, Feb 8,1991
========
OTTAWA- The tax man is reaching further- and lower- than anyone imagined.
Human sperm has become a taxable service, er, goods, in Canada.
Women undergoing donor insemination are being charged GST [canadian
good and service tax] on donated sperm.
And at least one fertility expert is furious.
"It's ludicrous," said Dr Author Leader, who runs donor insemination
clinics at the Ottawa General and Ottawa Civic hospitals. Leader buys
sperm from sperm banks in Montreal and Toronto.
"The goverment is treating sperm like a commodity."
Inquires at the goverment's GST consummer information office met
with considerable confusion yesterday.
"You are joking, right?" said John Whitton, public affairs manager.
But after a flurry of phone calls, information officer Sheena Pennie
reported that, yes, according to the legislation, "sperm purchased from
a sperm bank is a taxable commodity."
Women and couples undergoing artificial insemination now pay up to
$200 a month for sperm. That means they would be paying the taxman up to
$14 extra [$29 in Quebec :-(] in GST.
Leader has written to Finance Minister Michael Wilson appealing the
tax.
[See? The lack of desire may simply be because sex is too taxing!
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 7 Feb 91 15:18:08 GMT
From: lac@ecs.soton.ac.uk (Les Carr)
Subject: Multimedia, Hypermedia, Hypertext?
Newsgroups: comp.multimedia
In <1991Feb04.124036.340@abblund.se> nick@abblund.se writes:
>Our group is looking into multimedia, but we have found no good
>definition of what multimedia really is. Also the terms "hypermedia"
>and "hypertext" perhaps need defining properly.
As a Computer Science PhD student studying hypertext, I've ended up
with the following (rather cynical) definitions from observing
"the literature".
Hypertext: a CS research assistant publishes a paper containing the
words "See Section 4"
Multimedia: a CS research assistant publishes a paper with colour photos
HyperMedia a CS research assistant publishes a paper containing the
words "See photo 4"
------------------------------
Date: 6 Feb 91 13:53:51 GMT
From: rkl@and.cs.liv.ac.uk
Subject: Radio 1's list of 64 'banned' songs during the Gulf War
Newsgroups: rec.music.misc
"The Word", a 'trendy youth' TV programme, shown at 11.00 pm on Fridays on
UK Channel 4, listed 64 songs on its February 1st programme that BBC Radio
have deemed "unsuitable" to play during the Gulf Crisis (to me, this implies
the "banning" of these songs, but it's matter of interpretation I guess).
Here they are in alphabetical order of artist (oh for the wonders of home
computers and VCRs :-) ):
Artist Song
1. Abba Waterloo
2. A-ha Hunting High And Low
3. Alarm 68 Guns
4. Animals We Got To Get Out Of This Place
5. Arrival I Will Survive
6. Joan Baez The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down
7. Bangles Walk Like An Egyptian
8. The Beatles Back In The USSR
9. Pat Benetar Love Is A Battlefield
10. Big Country Fields Of Fire
11. Blondie Atomic
12. Boomtown Rats Don't Like Mondays
13. Brook Bros. Warpaint
14. Arthur Brown Fire
15. Kate Bush Army Dreamers
16. Cher Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
17. Eric Clapton I Shot The Sheriff
18. Phil Collins In The Air Tonight
19. Cutting Crew I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
20. Skeeter Davies End Of The World
21. Desmond Dekker Israelites
22. Dire Straits Brothers In Arms
23. Duran Duran View To A Kill
24. Jose Feliciano Light My Fire
25. First Choice Armed And Extremely Dangerous
26. Roberta Flack Killing Me Softly
27. Frankie Goes To Hollywood Two Tribes
28. Eddie Grant Living On The Frontline
29. Eddie Grant Give Me Hope Joanna
30. Elton John Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting
31. Johnny Hates Jazz I Don't Want To Be A Hero
32. John Lennon Give Peace A Chance
33. John Lennon Imagine
34. Jona Louis Stop The Cavalry
35. Lulu Boom Bang A Bang
36. McGuinness Flint When I'm Dead And Gone
37. Bob Marley Buffalo Soldier
38. Maria Muldaur Midnight At The Oasis
39. M*A*S*H Suicide Is Painless
40. Mike And The Mechanics Silent Running
41. Rick Nelson Fools Rush In
42. Nicole A Little Peace
43. Billy Ocean When The Going Gets Tough
44. Donny Osmond Soldier Of Love
45. Paper Lace Billy Don't Be A Hero
46. Queen Killer Queen
47. Queen Flash
48. Martha Reeves Forget Me Not
49. B.A. Robertson Bang Bang
50. Tom Robinson War Baby
51. Kenny Rogers Ruby (Don't Take Your Love To Town)
52. Spandau Ballet I'll Fly For You
53. Specials Ghost Town
54. Bruce Springsteen I'm On Fire
55. Edwin Starr War
56. Status Quo In The Army Now
57. Status Quo Burning Bridges
58. Cat Stevens I'm Gonna Get Me A Gun
59. Rod Stewart Sailing
60. Donna Summer State Of Independence
61. Tears For Fears Everybody Wants To Rule The World
62. Temptations Ball Of Confusion
63. 10 CC Rubber Bullets
64. Stevie Wonder Heaven Help Us All
Some of these are pretty obvious ones to stop playing, such as Edwin Starr's
"War" (definitely NOT the Army's favourite song !), M*A*S*H's "Suicide Is
Painless" and Kate Bush's "Army Dreamers" to name but a few.
However, an awful lot of them have me puzzled:
Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian" couldn't be less offensive if it tried
and both John Lennon songs are about peace - which must be a good thing.
In a democratised society endowed with free speech, it could be argued that
this is some sort of censorship on the part of BBC Radio, but there *has*
to be some restraint on matters of taste...having said that, at least half of
the above list goes way over the top IMHO. What do other people think ?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 91 15:15:29 -0600
From: mbraun@urbana.mcd.mot.com (Matthew Braun)
Subject: Re: Everyone loves a parade
To: spaf
I was afraid of that. Oh well. Honesty is the best policy. Well, maybe not
the *best* policy, but a darn good one. Well, usually a good one, except in,
like politics, where, it only applies when flinging mud at one's opponent,
and even there only provided no one else knows that you, too, were at that
very same party, and still then, *only* if they can correlate your two-hour
absence with that of the exhibitions's prize pirahna, the half-pound of lard,
the neighbor's pet goat, Gertie, nevermind the what happened to the waterbed.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 91 12:07:27 CST
From: bbc@rice.edu (Benjamin Chase)
Subject: roaches
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Byron Rakitzis writes:
> If you've ever been to Texas, then you must have surely encountered
> the Texas Roach. It's legendary in these parts. Texas roaches must
> be a lot like Florida roaches, to judge from Dave Barry's columns.
> That is, they are big and scary both here and in Florida.
In Florida, there are actually at least three noteworthy kinds of
roaches, each with its own uniquely vile traits:
The German cockroach, an immigrant, is common in apartment buildings.
It is small, fast, and obnoxious, like an imported sports car. They
love the indoors, and treat it as their own. German cockroaches will
stroll out across the counter, saunter all over your kitchen, sneak
out to see the food you are preparing, leap frantically from the
recently activated toaster, and die quietly in the corners of your
cupboards. They are easily killed, possessing little evasive skill,
each one squashing flat with little resistance. They are the Chinese
Horde of the cockroach world, always overcoming attacks through sheer
number. Normal household pesticides are never completely effective,
always leaving a few hardy individuals to repopulate your entire
apartment. Tenting the house is the only reliable method of
eliminating these, and this is why they are permanently entrenched in
apartment buildings, which are rarely if ever tented.
The flying cockroach, the common indigenous roach, is the model roach,
resembling the roaches often depicted in advertisements. They
normally live outdoors, rummaging about in tree litter and such.
However, they will occasionally take a stroll through your house, and
often as not will decide to stay. This especially occurs in the fall,
when cool weather prompts an army of these tree-dwellers to seek
refuge in your home. If left unchecked, they will decide that your
place is really much nicer than they had suspected, and will stay
indefinitely. If (when?) attacked indoors, they will fly straight
towards the attacker's face. This act of bravado is in fact
genetically encoded, obviously because it completely unnerves the
assailant, thus providing the best chance of survival for the roach.
Their flying ability is not robust, and if swatted from the air
(typically in a frantic, flailing, palsied motion, while crashing
backwards through furniture), they will normally be rendered
flightless, though not dead. They must then be squashed, inflicting
additional mental damage on their assailant by crunching in a most
disgusting fashion.
The third kind, rarest of the three, is the loathsome palmetto bug.
Like the flying roach, they normally live outdoors, but cool weather
and floodwaters encourage them to seek shelter. They are typically
the largest of the three, possessing a disgustingly bulging abdomen.
When squashed or merely attacked, they emit a revolting stench, very
similar to that of stink bugs and shield bugs. This is only one
aspect of their ultimate revenge. The other is the huge mass of wet,
sticky bug guts that remain after the beast has been killed. This
repulsive mess and the pervasive and nauseating stench serve to make
encounters with this roach more memorable than the others, even though
it is the least fearsome of the three.
Ben, your Armchair Entomologist
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 91 16:35 EDT
From: "Robert M. Hamer" <HAMER@Ruby.VCU.EDU>
Subject: Victor Kiam
To: yucks-request
>From the Washington Post:
New England Patriots owner Victor Kiam apologized yesterday for telling
a joke that involved Lisa Olson, the Boston Herald sportswriter harassed
in the team's locker room, and the Persian Gulf War.
USA Today ... quoted the owner as asking what the Iraqis had in common
with Lisa Olson? "They've both seen Patriot missiles up close."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 91 6:05:20 CST
From: peter@taronga.hackercorp.com (Peter da Silva)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #16
To: Yucks-request
You missed one obsolete term: "liberal". The correct term is now
"conservative".
(waiting for the ressurection of "progressive" and "populist". Or how
about "whig" and "tory"? I've been saying for years that "conservative"
and "liberal" don't mean what people think they do...)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------