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Yucks Digest V8 #3 (rude)




Yucks Digest                Mon,  7 Sep 98       Volume 8 : Issue   3 

Today's Topics:
                            Administrivia
      "There is no one so high or so low as to escape the . . ."
       ... use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick.
                             Bad pun time
                   Excerpted: 02/26/98 -- ShopTalk
                   Excerpted: 07/30/98 -- ShopTalk
                   Excerpted: 09/02/98 -- ShopTalk
                             F Y I Blue !
                                humor
               Johnnie Cochrane for William J. Clinton
                             jokes extra!
                        Kenneth Starr (2 msgs)
                              Ken Starr
                              King Leer
                   Monica-gate (Tasteless Warning)
            Monica-gate (Yes, Some of These are Tasteless)
                  OK, let's just get this over with.
                           Quote of the day
                 The Comedian's-eye View of 06/10/98
             The Comedian's-eye View of Wednesday 2/4/98
                         The People's Version
                        The State of the Union
Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
                     Welfare Special Prosecutors
                           White House Pets

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon Sep  7 00:13:48 EST 1998
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucks

Oh, what the heck.  Here's another theme issue.  Enclosed are a variety
of items about Clinton, Lewinsky, Tripp, and Starr.

This doesn't even dent the backlog of submissions.  Sigh.  I have some 
Yucks catch-up to do.  I'll try to keep the volume reasonable.

These are rude, crude, impolite, and irreverent.  As such, most of you
should find some of them amusing.  However, taken as a whole, these are
a bit overwhelming.  Too many people are taking seriously something
that was only poked in fun.  So to speak.  Ahem.

And personally, I am pissed about the whole situation.  Here I've had
students and interns for over a decade, and I can't even get them to
come to meetings on time!

--spaf

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 10 May 98 20:58:38 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: "There is no one so high or so low as to escape the . . ."
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[A quote from The Investigator?  Whew!  That brings back memories...  -psl]

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>


WASHINGTON, DC (FPI) - In a move that Washington insiders have dubbed "Starr
Raving Mad", Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr subpoenaed God today. Starr
apparently could not accept that his strongest link between the Clintons
and the Whitewater scandal, James McDougal, had "been called to his maker",
so Starr decided to bring this Maker in for impeding his investigation.
Despite the fact that McDougal was a Southern Baptist, Starr's subpoena
covered 1,234,900 gods from the well known, Buddha and Vishnu, to the more
dubious like Elvis, Cindy Crawford and The Guy Who Invented Beer. To serve
a subpoena on God, process servers have done everything from eating peyote
to feigning a ring kiss and slipping the ol' subpoena into the hands of the
Pope.  God has yet to respond.  In addition, Starr has been unable to issue
a statement as no one will stand within 20 feet of him, as he is now called,
"Ol' Lightning Rod."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Forwarded-by: Cloeliger <Cloeliger@aol.com>
Forwarded-by: Mike Grosvenor/UK/BULL

Contest Requirements:
	To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick.

Contestants' Entries:

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
    Since you look such a mess,
    use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
    that an intern is better
    than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
    When on Kenneth Starr's lap
    she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

(* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the
ballet dancer.)

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1998 15:15:35 -0500 (EST)
From: Name lost in transfer
Subject: Bad pun time
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu

Q.  What incriminating evidence did the FBI find on Monica's dress
that may tie the campaign finance scandal into Bill's sexscapades?

A. A wad of Bill's.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: 02/26/98 -- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Don Fitzpatrick <shoptalk@TVSPY.COM>

Clinton Zone: Monica Lewinsky's dad said he hopes the scandal doesn't
hurt the president.  "So not only does Clinton have his wife out
defending him, he's also got the father of the girl he allegedly had
the affair with defending him. He's good." (Leno)

Prez II: Promise Keepers fired its 345-member staff.  "There just
isn't as much support for marital fidelity as in the past.  Who says
Clinton doesn't have any second-term accomplishments." (Hamilton)

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 12:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Excerpted: 07/30/98 -- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Samer Farha <Samer@Clark.Net>

Latin American "Monica Lewinsky has testified before the grand jury.
She pleaded 'mea gulpa'." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Whitewater: "Responding to a Grand Jury question Ms. Lewinsky said she
had no idea Mr. Clinton was married, or that he was the head of a
major western power. She was aware that he knew somebody at Revlon.
She said the President did offer her free use of a cabin in the Ozarks
of Arkansas, putting to rest once and for all the charge that this
investigation has no connection with Whitewater. (Michael Feldman)

To Tell The Truth: "President Clinton is planning his grand jury
strategy. He'll admit that he had sex with Monica Lewinsky but claim
he did not commit adultery, arguing that he and Hillary have been
secretly divorced for nearly a decade." (Paul Steinberg)

Dressed To Spill: "You know who I feel sorry for in all of this? Buddy
the dog. For months he's been the one at the White House blamed for
all the stains." (Jay Leno)

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Excerpted: 09/02/98 -- ShopTalk
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Samer Farha <samer@clark.net>

Worldwide TV: "Mohammed Omar, the leader of Afghanistan's Taliban army,
has proclaimed that for becoming involved with a woman who isn't his wife,
Bill Clinton should be stoned to death. I have three words for you about
this: Pay Per View! (Jim Rosenberg)

Mum's the Word: President Clinton confounded critics when his job approval
rating went up to 69% this week.  "It's no secret why most Americans love
him.  He's the only person on TV who's not talking about Monica Lewinsky."
(Hamilton)

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Feb 1998 11:44:19 -0500
From: "Dahl Gerberick"<Dahl.Gerberick@us.coopers.com>
Subject: F Y I Blue !
To: spaf


All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade.
Tail-gate, Forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other
scandals he's been accused of participating in.
Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set --
the"Bill-gates".
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of
using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of
Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.

**************************************************************

It seems the President's secretary was starting to get suspicious. Whenever
she told Monica, "The President will see you now," Monica spit out her gum.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 20 Feb 1998 10:39:43 -0500 (EST)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: humor
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu

The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
promised 128 hours of coverage...that is, unless Monica Lewinsky gets
a hair cut or something. (O'Brien)

Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the
Pope's visit to Cuba. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Monica Lewinsky and her Brentwood neighbor OJ Simpson have similarities.
They were both scoring champions in college, neither can explain the
stains on their clothes and both have sore knees. (Leno)

A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does
and doesn't move. (O'Brien)

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Lewinsky, saying she was no
different from any other White House intern. "She takes my pants off
one leg at a time, just like everyone else."

While he was campaining for office, Clinton told young people they
should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for.
Him. (Leno)

Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what
Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He *is* creating high
paying jobs for young people. (Leno)

Instead of firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, maybe Clinton
should have followed her advice.

You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are
underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only
have to take a bullet for the president. (Leno)

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 16:33:43 -0400
From: "Roberts, Robin" <rroberts@btg.com>
Subject: Johnnie Cochrane for William J. Clinton
To: spaf

>From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten
proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J.
Clinton:
 
10.  If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9.   The economy's great, let the White Boy skate 
8.   If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit 
7.   If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal 
6.   Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore 
5.   So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4.   He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life 
3.   Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof 
2.   Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1.   If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral 

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 15:43:44 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: jokes extra!
To: spaf

My first original MikeyJoke (TM) in years...

---

President Clinton's statement at the White House on military strikes to 
``terrorist-related facilities'' in Virginia and the District of Columbia. 

Good afternoon. 

Today I ordered our armed forces to strike at terrorist-related
facilities in Virginia and the District of Columbia because of the
imminent threat they presented to our national security. 

I want to speak with you about the objective of this action
and why it was necessary. 

Our target was terror. Our mission was clear - to strike at
the network of radical groups affiliated with and funded by
"Independent Counsel" Kenneth Starr, perhaps the preeminent organizer
and financier of international terrorism in the world today. 

The groups associated with him come from diverse places, but share a
hatred for purjury, a fanatical glorification of fidelity, and a
horrible distortion of their law to justify the prosecution of
innocents. 

Their mission is my destruction. And their history is bloody. 

In recent years, they prosecuted nearly everyone I've ever met in
Arkansas. They implicated my sainted wife. They terrorized an entire 
family of Christian men and women, the McDougals.  They made a grown 
man, Webster Hubbell, cry on national television.  They planned to 
impeach me for a simple act of adultery. 

The most recent terrorist events are fresh in our memory. On Monday, I
was forced to describe intimate encounters with a woman barely old
enough to vote.  A woman who wore a beret.

With compelling evidence that the Starr network of terrorist groups was 
planning to mount further persecution of me, my wife, and other freedom-
loving people, I decided America must act. 

And so this morning, based on the unanimous recommendation of my
national security team, I ordered our armed forces to take action to
counter an immediate threat from the Starr network. 

Earlier today, the United States carried out simultaneous strikes
against terrorist facilities and infrastructure in Washington, DC. Our
forces targeted one of the most active terrorist bases in the world. It
contained key elements of the Starr network's infrastructure and has
served as a training camp for literally thousands of lawyers from around
the country. 

We have reason to believe that a gathering of key terrorist leaders -- 
who they call a "grand jury" -- was to take place there today, thus 
underscoring the urgency of our actions. 

Our forces also attacked the home of "Independent Counsel" Starr in
Northern Virginia. The home further protected Starr and his evil 
family from American peacekeeping forces. 

The United States does not take this action lightly.  Congress has been
warned for years to stop harboring and supporting Starr and others of 
his ilk. 

Our actions today were not aimed against all lawyers, the profession of
hundreds of millions of good, peace-loving people all around the world,
including the United States. No profession condones the prosecution of
innocent men, women and children.

But our actions were aimed at fanatics and killers who wrap prosecutions
in the cloak of righteousness, and in so doing, profane the law in whose
name they claim to act. 

My fellow Americans, our battle against terrorism did not begin with the
prosecution of my family, nor will it end with today's strike. 

It will require strength, courage and endurance. We will not yield to
this threat. We will meet it no matter how long it may take. This will
be a long, ongoing struggle between freedom and fanaticism, between the
rule of law and terrorism. 

We will persist and we will prevail. Thank you, God bless you and may
God bless our country.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Mar 1998 20:09:06 -0800
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Kenneth Starr
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

STARR IN BIZARRE SUICIDE PACT

In the wake of Hillary Clinton's comparison of Whitewater followers to
UFO cultists, Kenneth Starr and 38 other prominent Republicans were
found dead on Capitol Hill today, in an apparent mass suicide.  Starr
had earlier claimed that Mrs. Clinton's criticism of the Whitewater
investigation was the final proof that the investigation needed to "move
to the next level."  Alfonse D'Amato, Orrin Hatch, and Jesse Helms were
among the dead followers.

Investigators cite increasingly bizarre behavior among the members of
what has been dubbed the "Shining City on a Hill" cult, or "Shining
City" for short.  Disturbed by the prevalence of sexuality in the world,
many of the members had campaigned against the existence of sexually
oriented material, feeling it to be "vile and disgusting."  It is
suspected that many of the cultists (who were all male) had not had an
erection in over thirty years.  Links to an enigmatic religious cult
known only as the "Southern Baptists" are also being investigated.

David F. Lynch <dflync01@homer.louisville.edu> [alt.journalism.gonzo]

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'RE BEING INVESTIGATED BY KENNETH STARR

15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an
ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.

14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with "Testing... 1,
2, 3."

13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the
blue, somebody gives you a typing test.

12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you.  (Oops!  That's
a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)

11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added
a hi-tech stain analysis lab.

10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors
implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."

9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you
had that little bladder problem.

8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace
Ventura-Gate."

7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude from
the waist down.

6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi
dictator.

5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your
unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but
you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.

4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs
I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."

3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French
Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.

2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house,
instead of vice versa.

1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones"?

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 25 May 1998 16:00:38 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Kenneth Starr
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

STARR SUBPOENAS 500-YEAR-OLD INCA MUMMY

After being reminded by the new book "Spin Cycle" that President Clinton
once said if he were single he would ask her out, independent counsel
Ken Starr subpoenaed the 500-year-old Inca mummy Clinton referred to in
1996 after viewing it at a National Geographic exhibit in Washington.
The extraordinarily well-preserved mummy, known as "Juanta" had been
discovered in Peru.  Clinton, speaking at a fund-raiser at the time,
said, "If I were single, I'd ask that mummy out.  That's one good
looking mummy."

Starr said that it was appropriate as part of his Whitewater
investigation to explore all possible relationships the president may
have had with women and later coached to deny.  "We have reason to
believe that mummy received special treatment and a possible job offer
from Revlon for her silence," Starr said.

Assisting in the appearance of the mummy in front of the grand jury in
Washington will be five of the independent counsel's toughest
interrogators.  "We believe the White House has been orchestrating the
witnesses to maintain a code of silence but we intend to break this
one," one of Starr's prosecutors said privately.

Bob's Fridge Door <http://bobsfridge.com/mummy.html>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 15 FINDINGS FROM KENNETH STARR'S INVESTIGATIONS

16. Failure to "perform" in front of congress much more humiliating than
failure to perform with Mrs. Starr.

15. "Abuse of running shorts" is not an indictable offense.

14. The Sangria-induced rantings of Al D'Amato do not make the strongest
basis for an investigation.

13. JFK shot himself.

12. The most damning piece of evidence is that both Bill and Hillary
Clinton previously were *lawyers*.

11. "It is amazingly easy to get money from a Republican Congress to go
on an unfounded witch-hunt against their political enemies.  Oh, wait,
did I say that out loud?"

10. The tubbier they are, the harder they fall.

9. Hillary's botched cosmetic surgery should have been a breast
enlargement and hip reduction.

8. There's no ancient Chinese secret -- Its Calgon!

7. Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, Professor Plum, and Mrs. Peacock all
did it in the Lincoln Bedroom with a contribution.

6. Since the President entered office in 1992, Chelsea's allowance has
tripled.

5. For the last five years, the Clintons have been living rent-free in a
federal building in Washington, D.C.

4. It's official:  Janet Reno is butt ugly.

3. Clinton tried to replace Arkansas state police with "Trooperettes."

2. In Arkansas, El Caminos are chick magnets.

1. George Washington was a "tree cuttin' bastard."

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1998 19:42:19 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Ken Starr
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

STARR EDGES "A CHORUS LINE"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Judge Kenneth Starr's ongoing investigation into
All Things Clinton set the record this weekend for Longest Running Drama, a
title previously held by "A Chorus Line."  Starr paused to reflect on the
success of the inquiry.  "It's not just one thing," beamed Starr.  "Sure,
there's the sex.  But, there's also a suicide, bankruptcy, and even chicks
in jail.  It's got everything!"  Judge Starr, while proud of the milestone,
indicated he had no plans to retire the production.  "We'll continue as
long as the public enjoys what we are doing," he said, "and as long as they
keep footing the bill for the production."

Reported by Jim Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
The Daily Probe, June 22, 1998 <owner-daily-probe@walrusnet.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
RAISE YOUR RIGHT PAW

Ken Starr wants Secret Service agents to testify.  He wants the White House
lawyers to testify.  He wants private advisors to testify.  He even wants
personal secretaries to testify.  The man is totally obsessed.  He was last
seen on the White House lawn, trying to get Buddy to speak.  --Argus
Hamilton

ShopTalk, 8 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Aug 98 20:58:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: King Leer
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: hsage@ix.netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Joan Walton <jcwalton@one.net>

Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

Witch Tripp:  Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
              I think I got the Creep in trouble.
              Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
              Could it be he broke some law?
              Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
              Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
              Hark! Who trespasses so near?

Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

Witch Tripp:  Things proceed with quickening speed,
              m'lord. The maiden  Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd,
              is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like pursuit.
              Daily tightens the noose around the king.

Starr:        Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel,
              and more moves than a chess board. His public,
              well pleas'd with good news of the economie,
              doth o'erlook much.

Witch Tripp:  How may I serve you next?

Starr:        I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable.
              Else he may elude me yet.

Witch Tripp:  His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master
              harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of
              our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are
              much accustom'd to insects. What's one more bug?

Starr:        Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.

(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)

Scene 2. The king's antechamber.

Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently!
                 The castle is assaulted on all sides!

Leer:      What would I not give for an hour's peace!

McCurry:   An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press
           in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay,
           hourly for some explanation from thy lips.

Leer:      Who is there among them?

McCurry:   Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a
           host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.

Leer:      You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?

McCurry:   They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.

Leer:      Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul.
           Where is Lady Hillary?

McCurry:   Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath,
           saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this
           guy?"

Leer:      Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all
           creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.

McCurry:   Whatever.

(Enter Messenger)

Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth
           of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.

Leer:      Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I?  Why does this man
           conspire to afflict me thus?  My hand is unsteady. Read it
           to me.

Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah,
           then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday
           next, to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with
           the wench Jones, who withdraweth not her claims against you.

Leer:      I have already so sworn!

McCurry:   It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey
           rekindles old flames.

Leer:      I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard.
           Never was a king so expos'd!

McCurry:   Truer words were ne'er spoken.

Leer:      I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.

(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)

Leer:      To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the
           question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
           slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the
           whole thing and teach law at a junior college.

(Enter Courtier)

Courtier:  My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.

Leer:      What's this?

Courtier:  You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of
           two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for
           one so young and fair.

Leer:      Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.

Courtier:  A most clever jest, my king.

Leer:      Let us not tarry further.

(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind achair)

Buddy:     So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
           Me seeth I have much to do.
           And so it comes to this pretty pass
           To see if the king doth get some ... class.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 21:00:19 -0800
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Monica-gate (Tasteless Warning)
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

MONICA LEWINSKY'S TITLE

Q: What was Monica Lewinsky's title at the White House?

A: Head intern.

Howie Carr's show, WRKO Radio
Craig Burley <burley@tweedledumb.cygnus.com> [rec.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MONICA SPEAKS OUT!

Today on CNN, Monica Lewinsky's attorney indicated that Ms. Lewinsky came
to the white house as a naive and shy young women, but she has left with a
BAD TASTE IN HER MOUTH.

Dave Kunkel <Kunkel.Dave.Gail@worldnet.att.net> [rec.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SSSHHHH!

He didn't tell her to lie.

He told her to keep a tight lip.

Lee Bradley <lbradley@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu>
UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 18:35:24 -0800
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Monica-gate (Yes, Some of These are Tasteless)
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

NEW EXECUTIVE DEPARTMENT

President Clinton has proposed a new executive department to field
questions from the press and congress regarding recent activities.  He
has submitted the name of Bob Packwood to be the cabinet member to head
up the new Department of Intern Affairs.

Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
PRESIDENT'S PROBE CONTINUES TO EXPAND

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Independent prosecutor Kenneth Starr is
investigating rumors that President Clinton and his close friend, Vernon
Jordan, told Monica Lewinsky, a 24-year-old White House intern, to lie
about her alleged sexual relationship with Clinton.  Clinton, meanwhile,
almost denied the allegations and said that he's "too busy working in
the oval orifice" to make a statement.  As to reports that Clinton told
Ms. Lewinsky to lie under oath, White House spokesman Mike McCurry said
that what the President had actually asked Ms. Lewinsky to do was "lie
under an oaf."

Reported by Alan "T5L" Smithee
The Daily Probe, January 23, 1998 <daily@walrus.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FEELING SORRY FOR MONICA

I feel sorry for this Monica Lewinsky.  She was promised a lot of
things, and apparently she's just now realizing there's really no such
official position as "Ambassador of Love."  --Jim Rosenberg

ShopTalk, Jan 26, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FIRST LADY HIRES NEW PERSONAL SECRETARY FOR PRESIDENT

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton has hired Lorena Bobbitt to be the
president's new personal secretary.  Ms. Clinton has instructed Bobbitt
to establish a "no fly zone" around the president and take immediate
action should he violate.  An aide to the first lady, who spoke off the
record, said that privately Hillary was furious that her husband was
jeopardizing her reign in office because he can't keep "the First
Phallus" under control.  "She contacted Bobbitt directly and persuaded
her to come work at the White House immediately.  Lorena seemed to
sympathize being married to a womanizer," the aide said.

Jim Miller <satsang@usa.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BIMBOGATE

Remember a couple of years ago, when Clinton was telling young people
they should wait to have sex?  Now we know what he wanted them to wait
for:  him.  --Jay Leno

ShopTalk, Jan 30, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
REALLY, THIS IS IT

A CNN legal analyst said we shouldn't assume Clinton is guilty.
Everyone thought Richard Jewell was guilty, too, and they were wrong.
"But you can't really compare Jewell to Clinton.  One's a big Southern
doofus, the other's a wealthy, respected former security guard."  --Jay
Leno

ShopTalk, Jan 27, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 10 BENEFITS FROM A WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP

10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"

7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand

6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his 'subpoena'

4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff

3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair

2. Have president introduce you to his 'special investigator'

1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his
constituents

What's the new game in the White House?
Swallow the Leader!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
BACK TO BILL

Sources say Monica Lewinsky has a dress stained with "evidence" that she
and Clinton had sex.  "But don't jump to conclusions.  Knowing Bill,
it's probably just catsup and secret sauce."  --Mark Wheeler

ShopTalk, Jan 29, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 16 NICKNAMES FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL SCANDAL

16. Lolitagate

15. Quick!  Time For Another War With Iraq!

14. The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy

13. The D Cup Domes Scandal

12. Starr Wars

11. Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate

10. The Lay of Pigs

9. Stain of the Union Undress

8. Monicaca

7. "Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate

6. Pubic Missile Crisis

5. Linguapalooza

4. Honey, I shrunk my approval rating

3. Gaining-On-Wilt-gate

2. Tail to the Chief

1. Bad Will Hunting

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 12:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: OK, let's just get this over with.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: scottpatrick2@juno.com (Scott e Patrick)

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr.President, would you please return
the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? 
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?  
The spread eagle.

A reporter asked Clinton. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded, "No, sir, she was on her knees!"

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5am?
A: She wants to make sure that she's the first lady.

Q: How many White House Staff Members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they make the interns do all the screwing.

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President.
86% replied "Never again."

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense:
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in deposition!  He told her
to lie in THIS position...

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common?
A: They're both being investigated for their GUI applications.

Q: Why did Clinton quit playing the sax?
A: Because now he's playing with his "Whore Monica"

Q: Know how Monica conceals evidence?
A: She keeps her mouth shut!

Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: So now you open your mouth!

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common?
A: They both want Clinton's head.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Don't hit your head on the desk.

Q: Why isn't President Clinton going to bring the troops back from
   the Persian Gulf anytime soon?
A: Because there are so many husbands away from so many wives it will
   take him months to catch up.

Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position
   at the the U.N?
A: Would that be, then, a "missionary position?"

Q: Did you hear Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill?
A: Lorena Bobbit.

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on
   President's day?
A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages.

Q: Why is America called the land of opportunity?
A: Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the
   most powerful man.

Q: What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument?
A: While she's pretty good on the flute, she really sucks on the organ.

Q: Why would Bill Clinton be such a bad carpenter?
A: Because every time he screws, his cabinet falls apart.

Q: How does the White House know that the latest scandal will blow over soon?
A: Because the President unzipped his pants and didn't see his shadow.

Q: What did Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: "Sorry I'm late honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes!"

Clinton wants a place in history?  Well, he's sure to be known as the
President after Bush.

Q: The differences between Bill and Monica?
A: One didn't come clean and the other didn't clean cum.

Admittedly, there's no evidence that Clinton coached Monica's testimony,
and Starr is mistaken if he thinks he can prove Clinton put words in her
mouth.

Q: What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest
   State of the Union speech?
A: You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What's the new favorite game at the White House?
A: Swallow the leader.

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and
   Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
   Clinton can't tell the difference.

Q: Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
A: Monica swallowed the evidence.

Q: What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common?
A: A crooked Dick in the Oval Office.

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: We only had to vote to get some dick in the White House.

Q: What's Bill's new pick-up line?
A: "Can I interest you in a position under the President?"

Q: What did Monica say when she finally met Hillary?
A: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your husband down.

Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A: This time we know who deep throat is.

Q: Why didn't Bill take Monica out to dinner?
A: There was always plenty to eat in the office.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common?
A: Disney has a movie called the Lion King, while Bill Clinton is the
   Lying' King.

Q: Why can't Kenneth Starr prosecute Bill Clinton?
A: He can't get the evidence to stand up in court.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 03:50:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)

"The founders of the American republic wanted to create a balanced
 political order, a design for the ages, a machine so perfect that it
 could run itself.

"Today, Kenneth Starr, a special prosecutor originally empowered to
 investigate an alleged real estate fraud, is preparing to put the
 President of the United States in front of a grand jury, to answer
 questions he has already answered about an alleged (but in any case
 legal) sexual dalliance, in connection with a matter that only arose
 because a litigant in a now defunct civil suit subpoenaed women in a
 bid to smear the defendant's character.  Still with us?  The founders'
 self-powered machine remains vigorous and robust - and one part of it
 appears to have been taken over by HAL, the malfunctioning omniscience
 of 2001: A Space Odyssey."

 - from a July 28, 1998 Globe and Mail (Toronto) editorial entitled "If
   you wish upon a Starr: Washington's special prosecutor is out of
   control"

    Submitted by: Terry Labach
                  Jul. 29, 1998

------------------------------

Date: Tue,  9 Jun 98 22:51:02 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 06/10/98
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Meow: Hillary Clinton's name will accompany a book featuring all the letters
people have written to Buddy the dog and Socks the cat.  "This shows you
the Clintons are maybe a bit odd.  They've lost all of Hillary's billing
records, they can't find any Whitewater documents, they have no idea where
the phone records between the president and Monica Lewinsky are. Yet they
have every single letter written to their pets.  My cat gets mail, I throw
it out after two days." (Leno)

------------------------------

Date: Tue,  3 Feb 98 22:07:21 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of Wednesday 2/4/98
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Excerpted-from: Wednesday 2/4/98- ShopTalk


"Kenneth Starr subpoenaed Secret Service logs to count the number of
Lewinsky's late-night visits to the White House.  But the figure
simply can't be ascertained. Turns out her code name was Pizza Hut."
                -Argus Hamilton

Obligatory Clinton Joke: President Clinton's approval rating has gone up
11 points since the scandal broke, to 68%.  "Two more points and he can
start dating again." (Steve Voldseth)

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: The People's Version
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: bae@netapp.com (Brian Ehrmantraut)
Forwarded-by: "Sukumar Ramanathan" <sukumar@ix.netcom.com>

The Washington Post
Wednesday, August 19, 1998; Page D01
	-- By Gene Weingarten, Washington Post Staff Writer

In our continuing efforts to heed Vice President Gore's call for a return
to "plain English" in official communications, we today present a Special
Report on the president's statement to the nation.  In short, we shall
now "parse the statement." We were going to ask Gore to help us, but we
understand he is in Australia or Madagascar, having failed to secure
last-minute passage on an unmanned probe to Mars.

President's version: I must take complete responsibility for all my
actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you
tonight.

Plain English version: I am reliably informed that prison cells contain
spiders. I do not like spiders. And that is why I am speaking to you
tonight.

President's version: In a deposition in January, I was asked questions
about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally
accurate, I did not volunteer information.

Plain English version: When I denied having been alone with Ms. Lewinsky,
for example, I was technically telling the truth. How can one be "alone"
in any sense when one is with another human being, especially if the two
of you are engaged in an intimate sex act? Of course I was not "alone"
with Miss Lewinsky! I was "together" with Miss Lewinsky. I failed to
volunteer this distinction.

President's version: Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky
that was not appropriate.

Plain English version: Check my moves here. Notice how at the start of
this critical sentence, I use the word "indeed," which sounds extremely
scholarly, sort of like it is being uttered by William F. Buckley Jr.
during a discussion of our policy of disengagement with Albania. This word
makes anything sound dignified -- and too boring to pay attention to.
"Indeed, the interaction of subtexts in this work, as revealed by the
clear bifurcation of themes, indicates a bipolar profligacy." "Indeed, as
de Tocqueville observed, the probity of the American polity will brook no
animus not inherent in the commonweal." "Indeed, I bagged the chick."
Zzzzz.

President's version: In fact, it was wrong.

Plain English version: This is an important distinction, "not appropriate"
vs. "wrong." For example, brown shoes with black pants are "not
appropriate." My error was more grievous, along the lines of brown shoes
and no pants.

President's version: ... at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or
destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

Plain English version: I did consider asking Hillary to say that she used
to borrow dresses from Monica all the time. But that might have resulted
in my death via rolling pin.

President's version: I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply
regret that.

Plain English version: I got caught before Vernon could put a lid on this.
I deeply regret that.

President's version: It's nobody's business but ours. Even presidents have
private lives.

Plain English version: Bite me.

------------------------------

Date: Mon,  2 Mar 98 01:58:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The State of the Union
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Holzwoman <Holzwoman@aol.com>


"Members of Congress, Citizens of America,  Office of the Special Prosecutor
and Independent Council, members of the Press...

I banged her.  Like a cheap gong...

Which is not news, folks, because Monica never played the flute solo in my
libidinal orchestra.  The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to diddle are:
Hillary, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're evil and have legs
stolen from massive nine-foot Steinway concert grands.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary.  I do.  If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment
in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the
White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Webster, sold the
Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and made pocket pinball the game
of choice in the Oval Office.  Got it?  Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was a
10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio President, anyway, which
turned out to be a good move on your part.  Your other choice was Bush, an
aging yuppie moron who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan who left office with the same Alzheimer's he came
with.  There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%  prime interest
rate, smiling the whole time, like the idiot savant he is.  Nixon before
that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability', and got a one-way First Class ticket to San Clemente and
several decent book deals.  Johnson was an inbred power-mad war criminal.

And John Kennedy, who took more than a few shake breaks himself behind
closed doors, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that
curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former
residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to me, and the point.  Since I have been strumming the
banjo here, government is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced first
time since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact
the press didn't seem to notice, mostly because they weren't looking.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman.  And, the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full
gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can
spell 'software' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of
his boat, instead of where the next meal is coming from.

Bottom line:  I'm running a government here, not a dating school, and I've
done it with my pecker showing.  What I'm asking for is your support, not
a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a babe with thin ankles,
and then I'd like to discuss it.

In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of life you're
living, and before you get too interested in which way my dong points, ask
yourselves this question, 'Just what was it you hired me to do?'"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 22:53:46 -0600
From: "Best of: Humor" <thayer@netusa1.net> (by way of Werner)
Subject: Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
To: A Smirk is not a Smile <nobody@cs.utexas.edu>

10. Truly an eager beaver.
 9. Uses too much teeth.
 8. Stays late, comes early.
 7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
 6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
 5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
 4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
 3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
 2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
 1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.

------------------------------

Date: Mon,  4 May 98 11:41:38 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Welfare Special Prosecutors
To: Fun_People@langston.com

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

WELFARE TO WORK?   MAKE THEM SPECIAL PROSECUTORS!

by BARRY RABIN

I've got a great idea to get more people off Welfare and into well-paying
jobs with a real future.

Let's make them Special Prosecutors.

This lightning bolt hit me while I was watching Kenneth Starr, America's
best- known Special Prosecutor, announce that he was passing up the job as
dean of Pepperdine University's Law School because his work as
Chief-Chaser-of-the- President had "expanded considerably."

Now the biggest criticism of existing Welfare-to-work programs is that they
put people into low-paying, dead-end jobs with no future. But the Special
Prosecutor gig, as practiced by Starr and Company, could keep former Welfare
recipients fed and clothed well into their golden years, when they'll be
ready to get stiffed by Social Security and live in their cars like the rest
of us.

So I say let's take them off the dole, deputize each one as a "Discount
Special Prosecutor" ("DSP" for short), and pay them ten bucks an hour.  This
is almost twice the current minimum wage, but still zillions cheaper than
a slew of Washington lawyers.

Let's look at the numbers. If you take $35 million --- the cost of the Starr
investigation to date --- you could fund 3,500,000 DSP hours, or enough to
employ 1,682 men and women 40 hours a week for a year.

But the benefits of this plan could go far beyond simple economics. I firmly
believe that some of the best potential investigators I know are currently
on Welfare.

Take Sally, who used to be the barmaid at my local firehouse. When the
firehouse got closed down (for fire code violations), Sally had to go on
Welfare. Yet nobody I know is better at ferreting out embarrassing details
than Sally.

Example: Let's say you're a young, working-class woman who's been hit on by
your boorish supervisor, who briefly dropped his pants and asked you for
sex.  Now which one of these questioners would you feel more comfortable
answering truthfully:

A.  (STUFFY, BESPECTACLED  IVY-LEAGUE-TYPE ATTORNEY IN EXPENSIVE SUIT):
"Now Ms. Smith, given the previous scenario, and incorporating therein the
previous testimony heretofore gathered by the grand jury and related to you
through your counsel, can you relate to us to what extent the target
individual may have placed you in a hostile environment vis a vis an
unwelcome advance?

	OR:

B.  (WORKING-CLASS FORMER BARMAID IN TIGHT JEANS AND BUDWEISER T-SHIRT):
"Honey, did that old boy try to show you the goods?"

I believe you can see my point.

But let's forget about the president for a moment. So many other Special
Prosecutors have been appointed lately that plenty of other opportunities
for DPS's exist.

Take former Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy, who is accused of accepting
football tickets from a major corporation  for himself and a lady friend.
Under the current, overpriced Washington system, a few million bucks of your
hard-earned tax money could be spent investigating and prosecuting this
"grievous infraction."

But a better, cheaper alternative would be to take a few hundred former
Welfare recipients, swear them in as DSP's, and buy them season tickets to
the NFL football team of their choice. Then, just turn them loose at every
game with a picture book of presidential appointees, a Polaroid camera, and
thirty bucks in beer and food money.

They can stroll around the stadium, watching the game and looking for
Cabinet officers.  If they spot one, they would simply snap a photo, find
out which major corporation's luxury box he or she's sitting in, and report
it all in on Monday. As an added incentive, they'd get a free bag of peanuts
every time they spotted a senator or congressman.

Another big advantage of my Welfare-to-Special-Prosecutor program is that
at these low prices, we could afford to be proactive.

How would this work?

Every time you'd see President Clinton out for his daily jog, he'd be
flanked by a specially-trained team of DSP's, equipped with mini-cameras,
note pads, and referee's whistles. They would blow the whistle every time
they saw something that could trigger another expensive investigation.

For added protection, every female volunteer and visitor entering the White
House would be assigned her own personal DSP.  And two or three more would
be stationed around the clock in the president's private study, where they'd
make sure that nothing went beyond a firm handshake.

And why limit this program to the president?  With so many Americans ripe
to be taken off of Welfare, we could give Newt Gingrich a DSP when he's
meeting with his book publisher, Al Gore one when he does the Buddhist
temple circuit, and Trent Lott a couple when he travels around expounding
the virtues of soft money.

And job security?  Given the way Mr. Starr's going, this could be the
ultimate lifetime position.

Barry Rabin welcomes your comments at Barryrabin@aol.com
	(c) 1998 by Barry Rabin.   All Rights Reserved.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Mar 1998 20:15:56 -0800
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: White House Pets
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>

THE BUDDY SYSTEM

People are wondering why the president got a puppy.  Some say it's to
replace Chelsea.  But the real reason, all men know, is because dogs are
babe magnets.  --Paul Steinberg

ShopTalk, December 18, 1997 <shoptalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 16 CHANGES AT THE WHITE HOUSE NOW THAT THE CLINTONS HAVE A PUPPY

16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine
Albright by name.

15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out a midnight
run to McDonald's.

14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad
boy."

13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in
someone else's yard.

12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.

11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer
automatically implicate the President.

10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading "Bil kilt
Vyns Fosdr!"

8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary
suspicious.

7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.

6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at
State dinners.

3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al
Gore from a tree.

2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to
the President.

1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find
complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------