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Yucks Digest V8 #1




Yucks Digest                Fri,  9 Jan 98       Volume 8 : Issue   1 

Today's Topics:
                            Administrivia
                      A variant on a theme.....
                             Consultants
             Cool.  Must be a pretty hard license to get.
                          Dating in the 50s
                        Dork side of the Moon
                              Error code
                          Excuses, excuses.
  For the Social Anthropologist in You Just Screaming to be Set Free
              From the "Where are they now?" department
             GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT
                             Guffaws #185
                             Guffaws #191
                             Guffaws #192
                 Humor Clean: Procrastinator's Creed
                        Joke Clean: Mill Town
                       More Stereotypes and Sex
                        Plato, on The Espresso
                                 QOTD
                        Quiz - Korean Capital
               RSOTW - Realistic Signature of the Week
                     shortest books [thanks Amy]
             The Cowboy Way? -- A Cowboy's Guide to Life
                 the ultimate date [thanks Elizabeth]
                        The Value of Teamwork
                        toddler laws or what?
         Top5 - 1/9/98 - Signs You've Caught the Chicken Flu
                     You know stuff about tanks.
     Your mail to Spaf [Re: FW: humorisms: Fly the friendly ...]

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri Jan  9 19:27:03 EST 1998
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucksters

Happy New Year to you all.  This is the start of our 8th year.
Best wishes for 1998, plus lots of humor!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Jan 1998 09:14:01 +0000 (GMT)
From: "Lindsay F. Marshall" <Lindsay.Marshall@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: A variant on a theme.....
To: netagere@limitless.co.uk

     STATE OF ARKANSAS
     DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
     
     Last name: ________________
     
     (Check appropriate box)
     First name:                             First name: 
     [_] Billy-Bob         [_] Bobby-Sue
     [_] Billy-Joe         [_] Bobby-Jo
     [_] Billy-Ray         [_] Bobby-Ann
     [_] Billy-Sue         [_] Bobby-Lee
     [_] Billy-Mae         [_] Bobby-Ellen
     [_] Billy-Jack        [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
     
     Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
     
     Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure ______Weekly
     
     Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
     
     Occupation:
     [_] Farmer                    [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser            
     [_] Waitress
     [_] Un-employed           [_] Dirty Politician [_] Clinton supporter
     
     Spouse's Name:      __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:  
     __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:  
     __________________________
     
     Lover's Name:       __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name:   
     __________________________
     
     Relationship with spouse:
     [_] Sister      [_] Aunt
     [_] Brother   [_] Uncle
     [_] Mother    [_] Son
     [_] Father     [_] Daughter
     [_] Cousin    [_] Pet
     
     Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living 
     in shed: ___ Number that are yours: ___
     
     Mother's Name: _______________________
     
     Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
     
     Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
     
     Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
     
     ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still 
     crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in 
     back yard
     ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
     
     Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ pickup         ____ 
     kitchen
     ____ bedroom      ____ bathroom
     ____ shed            ____ tractor
     
     Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
     
     Do you have a gun rack?
     [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
     
     Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
     [_] The National Enquirer    [_] The Globe
     [_] TV Guide                      [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and 
     Shotgun          [_] Rod & Reel
     
     ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen 
     Elvis
     ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
     
     How often do you bathe:
     [_] Weekly
     [_] Monthly
     [_] Not Applicable
     
     Color of teeth:
     [_] Yellow         [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown         [_] Black 
     [_] N/A             ____    Number of teeth
     
     Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: 
     [_] Red-Man
     
     How far is your home from a paved road? 
     [_] 1 mile
     [_] 2 miles
     [_] don't know
     

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Jan 1998 14:05:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Consultants
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

YOU'VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN ...

You refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as
"deliverables."

You can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's
wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced.

The new client staff come to you for information on how to start the
coffee machine.

You've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of
two major airlines' flights to your client's site.

You can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't
remember what you had for breakfast that morning.

You have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair.

You know all the late night security guards at the client site on a
first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or
"swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose).

You use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's,
the client's or the software vendor's.

You feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.

The project partner tries to hire you.

You forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you
really like it in Darmstadt.

You say "Whoopee!  Half day!" when you leave at 10:00 PM.

Your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken"
when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you sure
don't look familiar.

You start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give
you more time at home.

You start referring to your laptop by a cute name.

You are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't
on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your
pillow.

You fantasize about zero-billing.

"Vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home.

You can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at
the menu.

Writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times.

You have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at UA Times
Square.

You have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes.

The media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real
(and frightening) meaning for you.

You forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car.

New staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old guy ..."

Your resume looks like a phone book.

The client says your rates are too high, and you blush.

You introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again.

Your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend.

You use the word "paradigm" in a sentence.

You use the word "granularity" in a sentence.

You use the word "robust" in a sentence.

Someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?"

You cry when your laptop won't start.

You carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you
ask what it means.

When other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a
lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a
whistle, and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ...."

You have a day off, and you call work because you miss it.

You write a workplan for your weekends.

Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the
question.

Before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the
emergency exits are.

Before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the
fasten seatbelts sign is off.

You call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for
the entertainment of hearing their answer.

A good dinner consists of vending machine snacks.

A good lunch consists of vending machine snacks.

You insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month
so you can see what you missed.

You can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is.

You believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get.

Instant coffee tastes good.

You can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped
when asked for your home number.

You file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks.

You've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it "home".

The hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week
(this is not always good).

The room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they
know you'll be back next week anyway.

You know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys.

You get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do
from your friends then you realize the hotel staff are your friends.

You can list fifty-seven (and counting) reasons why you have been a
consultant for too long.

You really think you understand the difference between "optics" and
"perception".

You try to find friends to fill you personal "white space."

David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>

[Unfortunately, this also applies to those of us who attend lots of
conferences, go meet with sponsors, and travel to give talks.   --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 1 Jan 1998 08:10:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Cool.  Must be a pretty hard license to get.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

From: Eric Osborne <osborne@notcom.com>

The 12/23/97 Boston Globe, in an article on medical malpractice,
announced:

	Indefinite suspension of Dr. Donald Pugatch's license for
	practicing psychiatry while impaired by alcohol, drugs,
	and mental instability.

Cool.  Must be a pretty hard license to get.

------------------------------

Date: Mon,  5 Jan 98 17:33:27 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Dating in the 50s
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: halglatzer@pop.a001.sprintmail.com
Forwarded-by: "Saul Feldman" <sfeldman@sirius.com>


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty
hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door, the girl's father
answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "Uh, thank
you, sir." says Bobby.  Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to
do.  Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear all
the kids are doing it."  Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to
Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw
all night if we let her!"  Well, Bobby doesn't quite know what to think, but
his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go.  Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams: "Dammit Daddy! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 1998 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Dork side of the Moon
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: "Kevin D. Clark" <kclark@ctron.com>

Date: Fri, 02 Jan 98 08:33:17 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #968-08


Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O masterifrivorubiquitious Oracle,
>
> What did they mean "Dork side of the Moon"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pathetic geeks are in the lab
} Pathetic geeks are in the lab
} They're playing "Quake" and hacking "Perl" and "C"
} Got to keep the cola flowing free
}
} Pathetic geeks are in the house
} Pathetic geeks are in my house
} The paper trays are spilling docos on the floor
} And every day the FSF writes more
}
} And if your script terminates many lines too soon
} And if compilers trample on your stack
} And if your disk overflows with 8 Meg coredumps too
} I'll see you on the dork side of the moon
}
} Six hundred lines of crufty code
} Six hundred lines of crufty code
} You mount the disk, you parse the list
} You crash and burn until I'm pissed
} You hog the core
} And threaten sanity
} Someone could maintain this code, but it ain't me
}
} And if your newsfeed dumps some spam into your spool
} And if you write in COBOL like a fool
} And if your boss says "Make it run on Win NT"
} I'll see you on the dork side of the moon
}
} You owe the oracle a rare red vinyl copy of the 1979 album "Pink
} Floyd's Very Yiddish Hanukkah."

------------------------------

Date: 1 Jan 1998 07:47:28 GMT
From: dpeschel@u.washington.edu (D. Peschel)
Subject: Error code
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
To: undisclosed-recipients:;

In article <kare-3012970007070001@ppp-astk01--039.sirius.net>,
Jordin Kare <kare@sirius.com> wrote:

>Or perhaps the interpretation of error messages is now 
>a new class of fortune-telling, along with tea leaves and the I Ching:
>"You received two 'file not found' errors followed by 'abort, retry, fail' --
>you will soon receive money from a stranger."

Actually, I think the I Ching versions of error messages would look like:

	Hesitation.  Above, drought.  The valley is barren.  The great
	man flees.  Below, the forest.  The trees bend in the wind.
	The king may chop them but the prince may not.  Paper is scarce.
	Zero at the top bit means: Recovery.  The great man may travel on 
	the line.  No blame.

Quite a while ago, I saw a mesasge suggesting that compiler errors should
look more like fortune-cookie fortunes.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Jan 1998 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Excuses, excuses.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Ginger Ogle <ginger@galaxy.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Regan Gill <Regan@knowmed.com>
From: Marty Rudnick

>From an edition of the Washington Post -- a contest was held in which
readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The
   voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
   Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
   back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
   continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
   able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
   source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
   rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will
   be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
   boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
   that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
   hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
   help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
   calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I shouldn't
    come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
    information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
    me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
    her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
    eternal peace. One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
    house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
    helicopter transportation.

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 24 Dec 97 13:40:01 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: For the Social Anthropologist in You Just Screaming to be Set Free
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "Blech, Kerry E" <Kerry.Blech@PSS.Boeing.com>
Forwarded-by: Apiarist <Apiarist@aol.com>

	The Butcher Dance

    A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single
native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up
in Alice Springs so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.
    He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his
project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
    "What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
    "No, I've never heard of it."
    "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
see Butcher Dance?"
    "UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
you mean?"
    "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
corroborree."
    "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
    "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see
Butcher Dance."
    "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
    "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin.  After you
drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
126 miles til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see.
Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due
west into setting sun. You walk 3 days til you hit creek.  You follow this
creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky
mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head
south for half day til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult,
very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When
through, head north-west for 4 days til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high
and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find
village.Here you see Butcher Dance."
    So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state
and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the
tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out
bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's
excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which
he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been
given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two
until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take
its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he
trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent
him from completing his life's dream.
    The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said
and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through.
But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force
their way clear and continue their long trek.  When they reach the huge
rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered
with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of
their journey.  Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where
the natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel
like new men.
    Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and
tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
    "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
late. You miss dance."
    "Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
    "Not til' next year."
    "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance
for me, tonight?"
    "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance
you come back next year."
    The guy is devastated. But he has no other option but to head back to
civilization and back home.
    The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing
to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to
ensure he is present to witness it.
     However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles,
finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on
foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the
mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the
mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days,
during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until
it subsides.  It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths
in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile
out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows
down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously.
    Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling,
they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
    "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
    The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
performed tonight. You come just in time."
    Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
celluloid
    As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint
and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle
around a huge roaring fire.
    A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body
enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine
man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"
    "Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of
the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our
dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch
over us and protect us for another year."
    The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
stirring rhythm.  The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment
himself.  This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has
not been in vain.
    He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement
ever conceived by mankind.  The chief strides to his position in the circle
and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing:  "You butch yer right arm in.
You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it
all about"

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 1998 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: From the "Where are they now?" department
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>

More interesting still is the case of Ed King of Lynyrd Skynyrd fame, the
author of one of the best rock 'n' roll tunes ever, "Sweet Home Alabama."
Ed left the band one week before the fatal plane accident that decimated
the band, and ended up selling insurance in New Jersey.  Which is better,
to die in a plane crash or sell insurance in Jersey?  It's a tough call.
	-- Danny Bonaduce

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 03:36:57 GMT
From: bluesman@bga.com (KingBee)
Subject: GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT
Newsgroups: alt.obituaries

George of the Jungle died today after crashing into a tree. He 
became the third celebrity and second cartoon figure to die in 
a week under the same circumstances.

"This was to be expected," said close family friend, Tarzan.

According to Chimp, the final surviving member of the Three 
Stooges, George had been drinking heavily before the accident. 
"He became very aggitated and said that crashing into trees 
was not a job for amateurs," Chimp explained. "He then proceeded 
to demonstrate the proper way to do it."

Witnesses said the football he was trying to catch may have 
contributed to the accident. "He took his eye off the tree," 
Tarzan explained.

Filming had begun on George of the Jungle Part II, although 
no one could explain why. Most of George's scenes had already 
been filmed, according to the producer, and there was talk the 
movie would be released in the Fall.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 01 Jan 1998 11:21:27 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #185
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu

MORE WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD

Pete Rose: 9 to 5, he doesn't make it.

Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he 
had stepped over the line when he crossed the road. What was 
I supposed to do, ignore it.

Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

Shirley MacLaine: After I was hatched from an egg in 1703, I 
recall having to cross the road.

George Washington: We used chickens to sniff out British 
Sympathizers. We called the operation "chicken cacciatore".

Rupert Murdoch: We have launched a new channel devoted 
entirely to chicken crossings which will rival any channel 
run by Ted Turner.

Parker Brothers: To go directly to Jail without passing Go 
and collecting $200.00.

Ted Turner: Chicken crossing is the most popular show on our 
TSN-5 Channel, easily beating high school tiddly-winks 
tournements.

Tevye: As the good book says, "If you cross the road to get 
out of the rain, its snowing on the other side."

Darth Vader: She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll 
thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, "If someone wants 
to bet you that that chicken will cross the road to lay an 
egg, warm up the skillet to make an omlette."

Walter Mitty: Staring out into space, he saw himself 
rescuing the flock from slaughter, never hearing the 
approaching truck.

Hobson: He had no choice.

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid 
does."

Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
Mike Callahan: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is 
increased; shared chicken is soup. 

Joseph Guillotine: So he 
could get a head-start on the competition.

Andrew Comstock: It is shocking for a chicken to cross 
showing its breast without dressing. He who stops to observe 
the chicken will be damned to spend eternity in Hell.

David Letterman: And the number one reason that the chicken 
crossed the road: He heard Disney was casting for its new 
cartoon version of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the 
run.

Mickey Spillane: She was a bantam bombshell with a body that 
could rock Plymouth and a feather on top of her comb, as I 
watched her crossing the road slowly slithering towards my 
cubbyhole I call an office.

Joseph Heller: The chicken had to cross because not crossing 
meant he would die, a victim Milo's black market. Of course, 
crossing meant he would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by. So 
he could have crossed and died. Or he could have stayed put 
and died. Those were his only choices, so he had to cross. 
Or not cross.


John Fowles: Roosters love to cross the road because it 
allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing 
that stops hens from laughing at them.

William Faulkner: The chicken, weighed down by the burden of 
a thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of 
the lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time 
of Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way 
through the brown and muddy road as she sought to relive the 
faded glory and dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother 
whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling raid upon the 
General's tent one crisp October morning because Jeb Stuart 
was lacking coffee.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most 
meaningful reality in life is individual freedom, and the 
supreme expression of individual freedom is suicide.

Raymond Chandler: She had beady inhuman eyes like strange 
black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise 
might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range 
chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look 
back.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who 
must be Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

William Harrison Hays: A hen and rooster may be seen 
together only if they are on opposite sides of the road. A 
chicken shall never be shown crossing the road if another 
chicken is present.

Newt Gingrich: The chicken choose to exercize individual 
initiative and not wait for a government-funded traffic 
light program.

Al Gore: I wasn't there. I didn't call it. It didn't make a 
political contribution. I don't think it's a Buddhist. We 
didn't let it into the White House---to my knowledge.

Kurt Weill: Chicken's sneaking 'round the corner, afraid of 
meeting Mack the Knife.

William Blake:

	Little chicken, who set thee free 
	To wander here on Highway Three? 
	"Oh, sir, your question's very odd; 
	He is called the Lamb of God."

	Little chicken, crushed and bleeding, 
	You did not see that auto speeding. 
	"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood: 
	God just had a Tygerish mood."

John Phillip Sousa: He was marching to a different tune.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 20:18:15 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #191
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu

These are actual phrases from Officer Effieciency Reports (performance
appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deslection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his body to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 23:30:13 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #192
To: "Guffaws List":;;@hermes.capital.edu

  Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong
   Kong...
     
    1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
    2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 
    3. Gun wounds again?
    4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
    5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 
    6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
    7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 
    8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
    9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
   10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 
   11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
   12. You daring lousy guy.
   13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
   14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
   15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 
   16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
   17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 
   18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Jan 1998 22:55:55 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Humor Clean: Procrastinator's Creed
To: spaf

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free
time.

PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion
to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve
from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.

6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first
step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 03 Jan 1998 23:44:23 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Joke Clean: Mill Town
To: Norman Gikbert Pundit <ngilbert@netcom.ca>, "Rodney & Cathy's Joke List" <1rodney@geocities.com>, "Yuk's Digest" <yucks>, Infinite Joke List <JOKES@INFINITE.ihub.com>

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the
Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in
a Federal Park. The problem was what to do with the other mills, and
how to attract more tourists to the area.

One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel with
their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make the mills
into canine hotels? he suggested. The plan was adopted on a trial
basis, but not without some skepticism. Several months later, the
skeptics approached the young man to ask how the experiement was going.
"Just listen!" he said. "The Mills are alive with the hounds of
Munich!"

------------------------------

Date: Wed,  7 Jan 98 16:27:41 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: More Stereotypes and Sex
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making
love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah,
young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and
continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!  Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along
as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean
zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old;
remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."  "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped
on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled
all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:  "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To
which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science.  You must remember, it
is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean,
still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze
woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag;
stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car;
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining
the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting
at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,  "Ah,
mes amis, do not worry.  Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Plato, on The Espresso
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
>From JMCCARTHY@cs.umass.EDU Mon Dec  3 12:23:03 1990

[And now some words from our MMC Messager, Jay Corbett:]

This week: Our own distinguished professor Orif Barrubgtib has discovered
	   one of the lost dialogs of Plato, related to The Crito and The
	   Phaedo, which I feel is relevant to our Monday morning
	   activity. For your edification, I shall reproduce a section below.

                   THE EXPRESSO
                     by Plato

Lobotomos: Is it true, Socrates, that the decaffeinated life is not 
           worth living?

Socrates:  Not only is it true, Lobotomos, but upon careful reflection it is
           patent. For is not reason the foundation of virtue?

Lobotomos: Certainly, Socrates.

Socrates:  And without virtue, there would be no reason.

Lobotomos: Of course, Socrates.

Socrates:  And reason requires wakefulness.

Lobotomos: No one could possibly deny it, Socrates.

Socrates:  And it is quite impossible to be truly awake on a Monday morning 
           without caffeine.

Lobotomos: How truly you speak, Socrates. 

Socrates:  Thus virtue ergo reason needs wakefulness via caffeine. Q.E.D.

Lobotomos: I see now that must certainly be the case, Socrates.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 1 Jan 1998 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>

Jamie Zawinksi <jwz@netscape.com> wrote:
> Fair enough, but I'll bet you could count the number of non-internet
> Usenet feeds in existence today without even taking your socks off.

I've got more UUCP feeds than that just between us and our customers.

Unless you have really odd-looking hands. In which case I apologize for
saying nasty things about the key bindings in Netscape.

	--- peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva)

------------------------------

Date: Sat,  3 Jan 98 15:52:34 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Quiz - Korean Capital
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: jring@transend.com.tw (John P. Ring - Arundel)

Q: What's the capital of South Korea?

A: About three dollars.

------------------------------

Date: Mon,  5 Jan 98 17:18:38 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: RSOTW - Realistic Signature of the Week
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Patricia Parseghian <pep@transmeta.com>

Josh  <josh@transmeta.com>

C:\WINDOWS  C:\WINDOWS\GO  C:\PC\CRAWL

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Jan 1998 15:02:14 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: shortest books [thanks Amy]
To: spaf

The World's Shortest Books...

25.  "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24.  "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23.  "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22.  The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21.  Human Rights Advances in China
20.  "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
18.  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
16.  Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
14.  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12.  "How to Say No to Sex" by Madonna
11.  Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10.  Everything Men Know About Women
9.   Everything Women Know About Men
8.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6.   "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3.   Staple Your Way to Success
2.   The Amish Phone Directory
1.   Kurt Cobain's Book of Self-Help

------------------------------

Date: Mon,  5 Jan 98 17:01:49 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Cowboy Way? -- A Cowboy's Guide to Life
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[Here it is: a Rider's in the Sky show without that music they play...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
Forwarded-by: LynnJA


    "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life"


Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.  Your mouth is probably
a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral:
when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. >>>>>Oh, I might do that!

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
suprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the
oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it,
and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but
otherwise ignore it.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around
by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.  It's not so important
to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 11:08:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: the ultimate date [thanks Elizabeth]
To: spaf

NICE PANTS:

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had
the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out.  She accepts, and they make
dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back.  Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he
can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or going to the
bathroom.  After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he 
is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.  He doesn't want to
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.  So
they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a
30 minute ride).

They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers
to use the bathroom.  They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.  They
decide to get dessert.  During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling,
but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored up.  He decides to let this little bit of gas out right there at
the table (discreetly, of course).  Unfortunately, this little bit of gas
came with another little surprise.  "Oh sh--," he thinks (and feels).

Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately
leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.  He
maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show
stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the
restaurant.  Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.  On the way to
the train station, they pass the Gap.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.

They go into the Gap.  Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on
the right, women's fashions are on the left.  They split up.  Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
brings both items to the register.  His eyes are on his date (still on the
other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants.  He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched
teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the
pants."

"What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!"  (Eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl:  "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses
himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.  He gets to the
bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer
shorts.  He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.  After
cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the
sweater.

****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO
IN THIS SITUATION.****

As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants.  So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls
the rest of the fabric tight around his waist.  He can only keep himself
covered by hunching over.  Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat
and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire
incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next 
station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the 
station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy
with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train.  He is lost and
stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.

He hasn't seen the girl since.

[Sounds like an urban legend.  Then again, events even less probable
have happened to me so maybe it is true.... --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu,  8 Jan 98 14:22:05 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Value of Teamwork
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[Either that or a particularly incompetent crew making up a fish story...  -psl]
Forwarded-by: jones@reed.edu (Albyn Jones)
Forwarded-by: Michael Thometz <thometz@pacbell.net>

An AP story from Oslo, Norway.
    "A school of herring caught in a trawler's net refused to give up
without a fight  - and sank a 63-foot trawler.
     The trawler Steinholm was fishing off Norway's northern coast when it
made a huge catch of the fish. When the crew tried to haul in the net, the
entire school of herring swam for the bottom and capsized the ship, the Oslo
newspaper Dagbladet reported yesterday.
    "I have been fishing since I was 14 and I have never seen anything like
it," skipper Geir Nikolaisen, 49, was quoted as saying.
    Crew members tried to cut loose the net but were forced to abandon the
capsized ship, which sank in 10 minutes. No one was hurt and the six
fishermen were rescued by another trawler.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 06:20:16 -0500 (EST)
From: Joseph Pasquale <pasquale@cs.ucsd.edu>
Subject: toddler laws or what?
To: spaf

Toddler Property Laws

 1. If I like it, it's mine.

 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

 9. Whatever, it's mine, Mine, MINE!

10. If I ... Oops!  I'm sorry, I goofed!  Instead of typing in the
Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' Business Plan.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 19:59:25 MST
From: top5@lists.zdnet.com
Subject: Top5 - 1/9/98 - Signs You've Caught the Chicken Flu
To: buglady-lists@ability.net

         The Top 15 Signs You've Caught the Chicken Flu  
  
  
15> Fever - check; chills - check; uncontrollable urge to defecate
    on the windshield of your neighbor's Ford Escort - check.  
  
14> Mom makes you a nice hot bowl of human soup.  
  
13> You feel a darkening in the force, as though a million little
    chicken souls were suddenly snuffed out.  
  
12> You just served your kids regurgitated cornmeal for dinner  
    again.  
  
11> You have the strange urge to smother your breasts with  
    spaghetti sauce & parmesan cheese.  
  
10> You lose your job at the drive-thru when you start asking  
    customers, "Would you like some gravel with that?"  
  
 9> Only medicines that help at all are Kaopecktate and NyQuill.
  
 8> Showing your pecker in public no longer results in an  
    embarrassing arrest.  
  
 7> Sudden irrational fear of hot sauce and blue cheese dressing.
  
 6> Your new marketing plan wasn't the only thing that laid an egg
    at the staff meeting.  
  
 5> You find yourself coughing up Lung McNuggets.  
  
 4> Receptionist buzzes you with "Five cleaver-wielding Chinese
    officials to see you, sir."  
  
 3> That annoying rooster on the neighbor's farm now seems, well,
    kinda sexy.  
  
 2> Suddenly, you're deliriously happy to work for chicken feed.
  
  
    and the Number 1 Sign You've Caught the Chicken Flu...  
  
  
 1> Suicidal urge to climb into a hot tub full of boiling teriyaki
    sauce or a big plastic bag of Shake 'n' Bake.  
  
  
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: You know stuff about tanks.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)

Forwarded-by: william_krueger@csg.stercomm.com
Forwarded-by: Clark Blakeway

100 reasons it's great to be a guy:
 
  1.	Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
  2.	Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3.	You know stuff about tanks.
  4.	A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
  5.	Monday Night Football.
  6.	You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 
  7.	Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8.	You can open all your own jars.
  9.	Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 
 10.	Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
 11.	When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every 
 	shot of someone crying.
 12.	Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 
 13.	All your orgasms are real.
 14.	A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 
 15.	Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
 16.	You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
 17.	You understand why Stripes is funny.
 18.	You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
 19.	Your last name stays put.
 20.	You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
 21.	When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone 
 	secretly hates you.
 22.	You can kill your own food.
 23.	The garage is all yours.
 24.	You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
 25.	You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
 26.	Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 
 27.	You never have to clean the toilet.
 28.	You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 
 29.	Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 
 30.	Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 31.	If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still 
 	be you friend.
 32.	Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
 33.	The National College Cheerleading Championship
 34.	None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 
 35.	You don't have to shave below your neck.
 36.	You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 
 37.	If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
 38.	You can write your name in the snow.
 39.	You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 
 40.	Everything on your face stays its original color. 
 41.	Chocolate is just another snack.
 42.	You can be president.
 43.	You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
 44.	Flowers fix everything.
 45.	You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 
 46.	You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 
 47.	You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
 48.	Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 
 49.	You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
 50.	You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 
 51.	Foreplay is optional.
 52.	Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
 53.	Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 
 54.	You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
 55.	You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming 
 by.
 56.	You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 
 57.	Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 58.	You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 
 59.	You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without 
 	even thinking (He must be mad at me)
 60.	The world is your urinal.
 61.	You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is 
 	about to leave you.
 62.	You get to jump up and slap stuff.
 63.	Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
 64.	One mood, all the time.
 65.	You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like 
 	him.
 66.	You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's 
 	just too skeevy.
 67.	You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
 68.	You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 
 69.	Same work....more pay.
 70.	Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
 71.	You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch 
 	adjustment.
 72.	Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
 73.	You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 
 74.	With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's 
 	population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
 75.	You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
 76.	If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
 77.	The remote is yours and yours alone.
 78.	People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
 79.	ESPN's sports center.
 80.	You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 
 81.	Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
 82.	You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 
 83.	You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
 84.	You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 
 85.	If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell 
 	you friends you've changed.
 86.	Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
 87.	You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!" 
 88.	If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might 
 	become lifelong buddies.
 89.	Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
 90.	The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
 91.	You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in 
 	the mood.
 92.	You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
 93.	If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer 
 	and throw it across the room.
 94.	New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
 95.	Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
 96.	You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 
 97.	Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 
 98.	Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...  notice 
 	anything different?"
 99.	Baywatch
100.	There is always a game on somewhere.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Jan 98 10:18:00 EST
From: Olthoff, Kenneth 
Subject: Your mail to Spaf [Re: FW: humorisms: Fly the friendly ...]
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>

[I guess Ken doesn't like the autoreply message on my e-mail.  --spaf]

Good Evening Mr. Phelps, er, Spafford. Your recording has triggered this 
recording. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and then throw the albino goose into the room, turn out 
the light, shut the door, and run to the dumbwaiter where you will 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

After getting out of the hot air balloon, you will 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, being careful not to leave any mustard stains on the 
bee hives.You will proceed to
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and 
identify yourself to the person in the Barney costume by saying "Personally, 
I've always had a thing for stegosauruses".
After receiving the Lion King tape, you will XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. You will tell 
anyone who ask that you were "presenting at a computer security conference". 
Appropriate entries in the proceedings will be made to confirm this.

As usual, if you or any of your team, friends, or small animals are 
captured, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions and take 
the rest of the day off.
Good luck, Spaf. This Email will self destruct in thirty seconds. While it's 
unlikely that this is actually possible, despite all the funding we threw at 
the problem, you still might want to close your laptop, or duck, in
Five
Four
Three
Two

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------