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Yucks Digest V7 #18 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 21 Oct 97 Volume 7 : Issue 18
Today's Topics:
An Open Letter to the CEO of Mattel Inc
A Novel Solution to the Urban Myth Spam Problem
A quote for our times
A Short History of Medicine
Clone Pomes
Deja Voodoo Again
DMV Tech Support in Arkansas
Guess it wasn't smoking after all.
ha-ha (fwd)
Honey, you want to open the door while I get the bags?
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
JOTD
Little Old Lady
New Star Wars scenes...
On Marriage...
Ordering Pizza with Pizzazz
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
QOTD - not from Intel, 2/10/97
Quote of the day
Red Meat
Reincarnation
Run with me on this one...
Salmon Spawning Made Simple (2 msgs)
snowman joke
This is real
Deja Voodoo Again Again
Thought for the Day - Thomas DeQuincey
Tickle me, you sexy love doll!
Typo of the Day
Well, I'd never take it out of context.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 97 15:28:23 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: An Open Letter to the CEO of Mattel Inc
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: DURKINPA@snycob.cobleskill.edu
CEO
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Mr. CEO:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits
in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to
smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him
(and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 97 15:42:06 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Novel Solution to the Urban Myth Spam Problem
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: nmss!Wendell_Bishop@uunet.uu.net
In an effort to put some measure of control on the propagation of urban
myths, etc, I propose that all email systems be modified so as to delete
one word at random from each forwarded message. In most cases, there will
be no loss of information through perhaps the first dozen forwardings. In
some cases, I suspect the information content would actually improve.
Eventually, the intelligibility should degrade to the point that the message
is no longer worth forwarding. Or as the ultimate restraint on unbridled
forwarding, it would eventually
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 16:07:05 -0600
From: Chuck Koelbel <chk@cs.rice.edu>
Subject: A quote for our times
To: yucks
"Sure, there are some good things about the Web that we'll miss, like
browser mud-wrestling wars, Webcasts of concerts at one frame per
hour, and Oprah's belches heard through the magic of RealAudio."
--Mark Glaser, on shutting off the Web
http://www.cnet.com/Content/Voices/Glaser/012497/index.html
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 97 12:39:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Short History of Medicine
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: <dognose@mail.nwlink.com>
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Clone Pomes
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Richard Troy <rtroy@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
From: Tinkerbell <tinkrbel@ix.netcom.com>
Clone Pome
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was slightly gray
It didn't have a father
Just some borrowed DNA
It sort of had a mother
Though the ovum was on loan
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone
And soon it had a fellow clone
And soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door
It made the children laugh and sing
The teachers found it droll
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control
No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary
But now they feel quite sheepish
Those scientists unwary
One problem solved, but what to do
With Mary, Mary, Mary...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 23:24:41 -0700
From: psl
Subject: Deja Voodoo Again
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Contributed by: Jef Jaisun
Q: Deja Voodoo...
A: The feeling that someone far away is sticking pins in you again.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 97 12:14:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: DMV Tech Support in Arkansas
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: Concord Communications <concord@proaxis.com>
Heard on NPR's "Morning Edition" this morning:
The Arkansas Department of Motor Vehicles (or whatever that agency is
called in Arkansas) has been receiving complaints from motorists saying
they were sent the wrong stickers for their license plates. The stickers,
say the motorists, read "86" when they should read "98"...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Guess it wasn't smoking after all.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William Moran <wlm@panix.com>
From: sci.skeptic
> But, evolution is more than just the interaction of selected "survival"
> traits with a given environment (situation)........
[snip]
> A hypothetical example would be the extinction of a certain rare plant
> species that exists in only one, specific location....
[snip]
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the
earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million
years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from
the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosours; the
tallest ones, anyway.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 15:35:59 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: ha-ha (fwd)
To: yucks
> > A man walks into a bar, and starts crying, I mean he is really balling.
> > When the bartender asks what's wrong he says he just found out his son
> > is gay. Well, the bartender can imagine the pain this man must be
> > feeling so he says, "Here," handing him a shot of whiskey, "This is on
> > the house. Oh hell, I'll even have a few with you." So they have quite a
> > few drinks over the course of the night.
> > About a week later the same guy comes in, same thing, crying out loud.
> > When the bartender asks what is wrong the man replies, "I just found out
> > my other son is a fag." So the bartender sets up a few shots for each of
> > them. As they are drinking the bartender asks how many sons the guy has.
> > "Three."
> > "Is the other one straight?"
> > "As far as I know"
> > The man leaves. After about a month he comes back in AGAIN he is crying.
> > The bartender thinks poor guy, and asks, "Doesn't ANYONE in your family
> > like having sex with women?????"
> > "I just found out my wife does."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 Feb 1997 09:42:16 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Honey, you want to open the door while I get the bags?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
It *is* possible to grow biologically clean bugs. A friend of mine used
to work for Abbot Labs near Chicago. Before going on a long vacation one
summer, he asked the guy who grew the clean flies for a few larvae to
leave behind for his leopard frogs. The idea is that they'd hatch in a
few days and the frogs would have a nice feast. He said the small pile in
the palm of his hand looked like tiny grains of rice.
A couple of weeks later, when they returned from vacation, they opened
the door to their house and a cloud of flies billowed out. The ceilings
were black with flies. The leopard frogs had all literally eaten
themselves to death -- they ate until they burst. (Although my friend did
say they all had smiles on their faces.)
Returning to work he asked how many larvae were in that little pile. The
guy replied, "Oh, a couple hundred thousand, I guess."
(My memory is getting dim on the exact number, but it was a very large
one. It could have been "close to a million".)
[I could make a remark about some commercial software having only
"a few bugs" but that would be too easy. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Celeste Young" <cyoung@learningco.com>
Forwarded-by: "Ellen McWhirter" <ellenm@earthlink.net>
From: Don Dusich <drdusich@vicinity.com>
Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et
fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced,
high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum
immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous
rock at your head.
Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam
elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Tim Walding <walding@tkg.austin.ibm.com>
So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about during
an interlude, when the usual topic came up...
The first surgeon said:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
The third pipes up:
"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
The fourth sneers:
"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and
their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as all
surgeons
do between operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 02:05:04 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Little Old Lady
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cyerkes <cyerkes@interport.net>
Forwarded-by: Nikki-Nikki
A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in
a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids
h-here ?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of
t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: New Star Wars scenes...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Foster <kfoster@informix.com>
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick
himself.
14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing
immensely.
13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
knee with a light saber.
12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
the Fifth, Luke."
11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
the Hut.
10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
brass ass.
8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
to pee.
6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his
name.
4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special
attachment.
3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red
paint.
2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 97 13:27:29 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: On Marriage...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[Why are jokes about marriage always so simple-minded? -psl]
Forwarded-by: Astrid Rothaut <Astrid.Rothaut@p1.n1.jkt1.siemens.net>
Forwarded-by: Sutanto Jimmy
Forwarded-by: Leo Surtihadi
Forwarded-by: Henry Surtihadi <henry@enars.eas.asu.edu>
Forwarded-by: Francis Hartojo <francis@az.stratus.com>
Forwarded-by: arund@cac.stratus.com (Arun Dharankar)
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married
the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
[As a married man who bruises easily, I must plead "no comment" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 23:21:50 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Ordering Pizza with Pizzazz
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
I know, but a bunch of these are actually pretty
funny to think about. Not that I would ever do
any of these. Especially while driving backwards
with a glass of water on my head.
Originator unknown.
-Miles
100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally
offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask,
"Do
you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. .
. action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH
this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get
it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated.
I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say,
in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 1997 10:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: Jim Leuper <jleuper@anim.dreamworks.com>
Forwarded by "Kathy Peebles" <kathy_peebles@qmserver.alewife.kodak.com>
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too
late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
[I knew many of these already, and a few more besides. I was an
..."inventive"... child. I can't wait until my daughter is a little
older and the entropy genes begin to assert themselves! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 97 12:55:03 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - not from Intel, 2/10/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Yost <Dave@Yost.com>
Our Evolving Understanding of Computer Software:
1965:
Garbage In, Garbage Out
1995:
Garbage Inside
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 8 Mar 1997 05:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"In effect, our task is to program a computer which gives answers which
are subtly and maliciously wrong at the most inconvenient possible
moment. This is a fascinating problem; and we hope that the lessons
learned from programming Satan's computer may be helpful in tackling
the more common problem of programming Murphy's."
-Ross Anderson and Roger Needham, "Programming Satan's Computer"
[Note: shortly after this, Microsoft announced the opening of their
European research lab would be in Cambridge to have access to
these august researchers and their students. Coincidence? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 1997 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Alex Harvey <harvey@seymour.acf.nyu.edu>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
In ensembles, Mr. Pavarotti tended to go his own way, politely allowing
his fellow singers to arrive at the ends of phrases before him.
-- From a review in the New York Times, 1 February 1997, by
Bernard Holland of the performance by Luciano Pavarotti
in "Un Ballo in Maschera".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1997 10:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Red Meat
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Dekorte <steve@farcast.com>
http://www.Desert.NET/redmeat/comics/RM_270.HTML
It's true... no man is an island.
But if you take a bunch of dead guys and tie 'em together,
they make a pretty good raft.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 02:05:04 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Reincarnation
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Keith Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
THE TOP 17 SIGNS YOU'RE THE REINCARNATION OF SOMEONE FAMOUS
17. Working on your back under the car, you get the sudden urge to paint a
church.
16. Same thing every morning: wake up, brush teeth, carve "SID" into your
chest with a razor blade.
15. You can actually sing Bohemian Rhapsody without sounding like a complete
idiot.
14. When your boss criticizes your sales projection figures, you hack off
your ear.
13. Disqualified during Swim Suit Competition for smoking cigar and wiggling
eyebrows at other contestants.
12. You've got Bette Davis eyes.
11. Can't understand why a fine physician like yourself is being sued for
applying leeches to a patient.
10. Century after century, you find Shirley MacLaine consistently annoying.
9. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, but you love her
singing voice.
8. Whenever you get sick, it's always a rockin' pneumonia or a boogie-woogie
flu.
7. In preparation for Hurricane Hortense, you build a giant boat and start
stealing your neighbors' pets.
6. When you wake up in a puddle of your own overdose-induced vomit, you find
yourself inexplicably crying out for Mr. French.
5. You cannot tell a lie. Regardless, you considering running for president.
4. Other scouts return from that first mountain hike with poison ivy;
*you're* lugging tablets of inscribed stone.
3. You soil your pants every time you hear the words, "Little Bighorn."
2. Timmy is stuck in the old mine and all you can do is bark as your husband
asks, "What is it, girl?!?"
1. That six-figure advance for your book, "I Was the Pelvis," buys a
shitload of deep-fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches.
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Run with me on this one...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kitt Hirasaki <kitt@pixar.com>
Forwarded-by: Michael Preston <michael_preston@cgp.org>
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each
of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly
sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are
technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.
Run with me on this one...
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can
make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.
(His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called
MacGuyver".)
For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have
worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour.
(As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide
survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor
and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the
island.)
And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate? Sure, the
kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being
deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that
glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise?
Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have
Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY,
SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.
Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by
connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years
on the island and everybody knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no
shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan
with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have
decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining
Deadly Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring
Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each
other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor?
What keeps them trapped there?
Gilligan.
Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.
[Works for me. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 97 14:19:01 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Salmon Spawning Made Simple
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
From: C. Cameli
From: Grace Landel <glandel@u.washington.edu>
From: "P. Hummel" <jhummel@u.washington.edu>
From: The Right To Know Project - Ketchikan <rtkp@ptialaska.net>
Salmon Spawning Made Simple
Here's the way it was with the second grade class at East Elementary School
in Kodiak.
They were studying the life cycle of the salmon and they came to
spawning. So in art class each kid made a salmon mask. (What a salmon mask
should look like, God only knows.) They adjourned to the gym where each
kid held his/her mask on with one hand. The girls were given a sponge Nerf
ball and the boys a can of shaving cream. The male salmon chases the female
salmon and sprays the egg. Thus, nature's cycle remains unbroken.
Some ofthe girls wouldn't run but meekly held out their egg. One
aggressive girl chased her partner around the gym thrusting her egg at him.
This so flustered the boy that he couldn't get his spray can to function.
She called him a sissy and he burst into tears. One little boy kept
spraying himself even after the teacher told him it was nasty. Two boys
were content spraying each other and wouldn't pay attention to their female
partners.
When the teacher turned her back many of the kids quickly spawned with
other than their assigned partners.
Afterwards, the children were graded on their spawning techniques.
Parents of those given low grades protested, saying spawning is too
subjective to be graded.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 15:29:23 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: snowman joke
To: yucks
>
> So why does it take longer to build a male snowman?
>
> Think
>
> Think
>
> Tick, tick, tick...
>
> Think
>
> Think
>
> Time's up:
>
> Because you have to hollow out the head first.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 97 10:21:00
From: "Danny Halamish" <dny@videologic.com>
Subject: This is real
To: spaf
During registration to MSDN, and after choosing not to receive junk faxes,
the following dialog box appears:
"We need to know your fax number in order to respect your wish not to
receive unsolicited faxes."
Sad, but true. I saw it with my own eyes...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 23:24:41 -0700
From: psl
Subject: Deja Voodoo Again Again
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Contributed by: Jef Jaisun
Q: Deja Voodoo...
A: The feeling that someone far away is sticking pins in you again.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 97 12:58:10 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Thought for the Day - Thomas DeQuincey
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Stephen Nelson <StephenNelson@KennedyJenks.com>
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and sabbath-breaking,
and from that to incivility and procrastination.
--Thomas DeQuincey
[Soon, he may even think about running for elective office. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Tickle me, you sexy love doll!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Richard Jones <rjones@mindless.com>
From: Scott Sloter <sloter@why.net>
Q: What does every Tickle Me Elmo Doll get before it leaves the factory?
A: Two test tickles.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Typo of the Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@dd.org (David C Lawrence)
>From the Sunday, 9 March 1997, Washington Post, in the Style section's
"Style Invitational" contest's fine-print rules:
[...] Also, have you ever noticed that when newspapers correct errors,
they make it sound really trivial, as in, "The name of the Governor of
Arkansas was misspelled in a Style story on Tuesday; his name is Mike
Huckabee," without ever mentioning that his name, as originally
"misspelled," was "Barnaby 'The Big Spaz' Chockalewski?" Well, we would
now like to report that the we, um, misspelled the name of last week's
donor of the canine fur coat. Her name is Tatiana Devins, not Tatiana
Welldotcom, as we suggested. (Don't ask.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 10:06:20 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Well, I'd never take it out of context.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Robert Waugh <rmw@netscape.com>
Alexandria Breeding and Kennel Club (TAKETHATYOUBITCH-DOM)
5515 Cherokee Ave
Alexandria, VA 22312
USA
Domain Name: TAKETHATYOUBITCH.COM
Administrative Contact:
Waldack, Bruce M (BW310) bmw@DN.NET
703 642 2800 (FAX) 703 642 0516
Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
Walsh, Sean M (SMW2) swalsh@DN.NET
703 642 2800 (FAX) 703 642 0516
Record last updated on 21-Nov-96.
Record created on 28-May-96.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
And here is where it gets a little confusing:
http://takethatyoubitch.com:80/
George Washington's
Estate and Gardens
"Learn more about the holidays at Mount Vernon"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------