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Yucks Digest V7 #17 (several risque)
Yucks Digest Mon, 13 Oct 97 Volume 7 : Issue 17
Today's Topics:
[humor: Org Chart]
An up-to-date Car Talk credit list
Customer requests
Don Jose will do the ironing.
Foreplay is to sex as: A queue is to an amusement park ride.
From the Rochester Times-Union
FW: FW: stuff
FW: Surgery
Going downtown to get tutored.
Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews.
How to Satisfy a Woman/Man Every Time
I've had your cats, matey, and you're next.
I hope that you haven't posted this one...
I really like margarine.
JOTD
More on (moron) Medical Case Files
People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
Post-college realizations
Quick Thinking Lovers
Quote of the Day - Bobbie Bowden
Sometimes you just have to take things at face value
The Creation (of the Mac)
The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score
The Wild and Crazy Dentist
What's the secret to gre... TIMING!
You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.
You might be a red neck Jedi if...
You Might Be A Sysadmin.
Yucks Digest V7 #13 (more shorts from the backlog)
Where Else?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 15:58:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: [humor: Org Chart]
To: spaf
Notice that profs don't make the list ...
>Forwarded message:
>From: Donald Desrosiers (STAFF) <desrosde@site.gmu.edu>
WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU
In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a
nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some
are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of
them has window offices.
So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige --
and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data
processing shop.
A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of
these positions...usually all at the same time.
10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one.
Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's
time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time
cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending
classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.
The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability.
Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to
Systems Analyst.
9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new
systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and
work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to
get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position.
8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not
called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume.
7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the
Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team
Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders'
projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders'
projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.
6. Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream
about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts
beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has
an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data
processing industry. Going to law school at night.
5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems
Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without
warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new
releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially
during month-end processing.
4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Databsse Administrator does, and no
one is smart enought to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But
every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of
them.
3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant
Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch
with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's
budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the
names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to
interview job applicants, especially DBAs.
2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have
electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This
leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to
manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee
needs: paychecks, rumors, and supplies. Can make copier
self-destruct just by going to lunch.
1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to
meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself.
He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits.
He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect.
But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will
finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be
able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for
desperate managers by puting in all kinds of extra hours...and will
be paid overtime for every one of them.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 97 12:46:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: An up-to-date Car Talk credit list
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
From: http://www.cartalk.com/About/credits.html
Car Talk Credits
Air-Quality Monitor Carmine Dioxide
Airline Reservation Manager Will Price Randomly
Art Critic Phyllis Steen
Assertiveness Training Coach Lois Steem
Asst. Directors of Computer Services Sy Burnett and Sy Quest
Asst. Fleet Manager Lisa Carr
Asst. Transportation Coordinator Orson Buggy
Attorney General Janet Torino
Auto-Body Expert James Bondo
Automotive Finishes Consultant Rusty Steele
Automotive Medical Researcher Dr. Denton Fender
Automotive Registrar Megan Model
Behavior Consultant Wyatt B. Hoovesia
Butler in Car Talk's Scotland Division Angus MacCoatup
Car Talk Opera Critic Barbara Seville
Celebrity Consultants Richard Gere-Oil, Mick Jaguar
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board Alan Greasepan
Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shall-I-Pop-a-Wheelie
Chairman, Math Dept. Horatio Algebra
Chairman, Oral History Dept. Ira Caull
Chairman, Staff Physics Dept. Victor Analysis
Chairman, Underemployment Study Group Art Majors
Chief Legal Counsel Hugh Louis Dewey
of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe
Chief of Stadium Seating for the Olympics Wayne Back
Chief of Tire Technology Yessir Itsaflat
Child Development Expert Dr. Benjamin Spark
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group Ben Thayer, Don Thatt
Communications Director George Stayontopothis
Conductor Emeritus, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra
Sludgy Ozawa
Conductor, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra
Philip Harmonic
Congressional Lobbyists Orrin Hatchback,
Dan Rustencarski,
Paul Simonize,
B. F. Gingrich
Conservative Political Commentator Eileen Tudor-Wright
Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program Cody Pendant
Copyright Attorney Pat Pending
Corporate Spokesperson Hugh Lyon Sack
Curator of Tom's Car Collection Rex Galore
Defense Dept. Consultant Major Error
Dental Hygienist Ginger Vitis
Designer of Our Casual Clothing Line Noh Tie, Woo!
Director of Automotive Security Boris Karlarm
Director of Cadillac Steering Toulouse Toutrack
Director of Cold Weather Starting Martina Neverturnover
Director of Computer Diagnostics Gus O'Genn
Director of Computer Services Dot Matrix
Director of Congressional Funding Fred Knott
Director of Country Music Stan Beyerman
Director of E-mail Responses Peggy Flaming
Director of Gender Studies Amanda B. Reckondwyth
Director of High-Speed Impact Studies Ricardo Montana-Bahn
Director of Italian Traffic Enforcement Noah U. Turna
Director of Listener Support Noah Fundrive
Director of Lubrication Olive Presser
Director of Long-Range Strategic Planning Kay Sera
Director of New Product Repair Warren T. Mifutt
Director of Nutritional Supplements Rose Hips
Director of Pedestrian Operations Carless Castenada
Director of Photography Len Scapon
Director of Pollution Control Maury Missions
Director of Purchasing Lois Bidder
Director of Speed Bumps Slow-Me-Down Milosevic
Director of Sports Information Linus Scrimmage
Director of Monopoly Policy Juan Moorehouse
Director of Staff Pay Increases Xavier Breath
(assisted by Tony Von Thinkett!)
Director of The Car Talk Psychic Network
La Toyota Jackson
Director of Unsolicited Advice H. Ross Peugeot
Director of Upward Mobility in Eastern Europe
Zbigniew Chrysler
Director of Warm-Weather Programming Sumner Reruns
Document Security Expert from Jamaica Euripedes Upmann
Electronics Technician Sammy Conductor
Elocution Coach Richard Shun (aka Dick)
Emissions Tester Justin Hale VII
(I, II,III, IV, V, VI may they RIP)
Engine Cooling Systems Manager Jean Claude Air Damme
Fact Checker Ella Fynoe
Fashion Consultant Natalie Attired
Fleet Manager Oscar de la Rental
German Interpreter Axel Hausen
Graduation Coordinators Val and Dick Torian
Grammar Consultant I.M. Shirley Wright
Head of Bldgs. & Grounds Moe D'Lawn
Head of Personal Security C. Howie Run
Head of Security Barb Dwyer
Heads of Parts Dept. Al Lloyd Wheel, Constance Velocity
Head of Used Car Purchasing Ewell B. Hoffinett
Horsepower Consultant Mr. Ed
International Lubrication Experts C.V. Boutros Boutros Gali
and Fidel Castrol
Jazz Music Coordinator Bertha Deblues
Keeper of Bell Tower (Hatchback of Notre Dame)
Quasi Automotive
Leader of The Former Peugeot Dealers of America Support Group
Eustace L. Emmons
Libel Defense Director in Tokyo Sosumi Areti
Liaison Officer to Volvo & Renault Bjorne Toulouse
Lighting Expert Shanda Lear
Literary Critics Ernest & Julio Hemingway
Manager of Automotive Accessories Francis Ford Cupholda
Manager of Car Talk Capital Depreciation Fund
Les Ismore
Manager of Cartalk.Com Cy Burnett [Sy's brother? -psl]
Manager of the Employee Refrigerator Carmen Dating
Manager of the Weekly Shrimp Buffet Sheldon Deveigned
Marriage Counselor Marion Haste
Montana Traffic Law Director Hugh Jim Bissell
Nutrition Consultants Eaton Wright and Liven Good
Parking Attendant Rick O'Shea
Personal Trainer Jim Shortz
Photographer F. Stop Fitzgerald
Poet Laureate Ogden Nash Rambler
President, Car Talk Hair Club for Men Emerson Fittibaldie
(he's also a client)
Producer's Office, Furnished by Rick Kleiner
Public Opinion Pollster Paul Murky of Murky Research
Regional Director, Atlanta Frank Lee Scarlett
Repair Cost Consultant Bill M. Moore
Safety Officers Mort & Fay Tality
Sales Motivation Coach Norman Vincent Pealeout
Seating Consultant Rush Lumbar
Secretary of Pain Relief Les Aspirin
Secretary of Halogen Headlamps Made-A-Lane Allbright
Secretary of Photographic Reproduction Fresh Prince
Sexual Harrassment Intervention Counselor
Pat McCann
Soloists Kerry Oki, Victor Yugo
Spiritual Counselor Miss Dolly Lama
Staff Author Four-Door Dostoevski
Staff Bikini Waxer Harry Mouval
Staff Butler, from the Car Talk Bombay Division
Mahatma Coat
Staff Carburetor Expert Leslie Stahl
Staff Cardiologist Angie O'Plasty
Staff Cat Feeder Ken Opener
Staff Chaplain Neil Down
Staff Composers Gustav Muffler, Bela Cartok
Staff Cooks Al Dente, Sal Monella
Staff Disciplinarian Les Stern
Staff Dramatist Anton Chokeov
Staff Geneticist Dr. Jean Poole
Staff Grief Counselor Ariel Bummerman
Staff Meteorologist Gail Storm
Staff Nutritionist Arlene Menu
Staff Physicist Moe Mentum
Staff Psychologist Les Moody
Staff Reporters Walter Windshield, Walter Crankcase
Staff Urologist Willa Catheter
Statistician Marge Innovera
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop DeVille
Tax Consultant Lou Pole
Timing Director Benjamin Not-Yet-You-Yahoo!
Transportation Coordinator Rick Shaw
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 00:32:15 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: Customer requests
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we
don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any
duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The
clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've
never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me
again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 12:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Don Jose will do the ironing.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Tim Ruddick <TRuddick@UU.NET>
Forwarded-by: Bernie Mueller <berniemueller@worldnet.att.net>
Forwarded-by: Peter_Mueller@UCSDLIBRARY.ucsd.edu
From: Garrett Bowles
Date: 6/10/97 1:10PM
Subject: Carmen
Here's something forwarded from rec.music.classical:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A Smoke-Free Carmen
by Denis Dutton
Last year Auckland Opera received complaints when its advertising posters
for Bizet's Carmen showed offensive cleavage. In deciding to withdraw
the posters, the general manager of Auckland Opera sensibly explained,
"It behoved us to find a more imaginative way to sell our product than
just to resort to blatant sexist imagery." In the new ads Carmen had a
completely covered chest.
Auckland Opera has taken a step in the right direction of providing a more
wholesome, nonsexist Carmen. It is regrettable, however, that the recent
Canterbury Opera Carmen continued to promote inappropriate role models
and behavioural messages regarding gender relations, animal rights issues
and tobacco consumption. Admittedly, some of these problems are
incorrectly dealt with in Prosper Merimee's original story. Yet a few
minor changes would enable audiences to enjoy the beautiful music of the
opera without being exposed to offensive and outdated stereotypes.
Herewith, a Carmen for our time:
The first scene takes place in a square in Seville. Young factory workers
spill into the street for their morning break of fresh fruit. One of
them, the dark Gypsy Carmen, sings a lovely habanera, reminding us that
love occurs between all genders, races and body types. Before returning
to the factory, Carmen throws a rose to the Basque soldier, Don Jose.
A fight breaks out between two of the young persons in the factory, and
while trying to instruct them on the futility of violence, Carmen is
arrested. Don Jose is ordered to guard her, but she convinces him to
allow her to escape, explaining that they are all victims of patriarchal
oppression.
The second act opens in the smoke-free environment of a vegetarian
restaurant. Carmen and ethnically-diverse friends are enjoying whole-meal
buns when they are interrupted by the wicked Escamillo, a rich and famous
bullfighter. Escamillo sings an aria in praise of wine, cigars, thick
steaks and women. This disgusts the young people, although Carmen is
strangely attracted to the bullfighter. Don Jose arrives and, alone at
last, he and Carmen vow to live together. They will respect the
importance of protected sex and acknowledge each other's unique cultural
identity. Don Jose will do the ironing.
The third act opens in a wild place in the mountains. Carmen, Don Jose
and other members of the Animal Liberation Collective are plotting to end
the exploitation of bulls. Don Jose is enraged when Carmen nobly
volunteers to seduce Escamillo, so exhausting him that he will be unable
effectively to fight in the bullring. Carmen patiently explains that the
lives of many bulls, and the contentedness of cows, is at stake.
Escamillo enters and begins a duel with Don Jose, but the Collective
intervenes, insisting that the two men find viable nonviolent means to
settle their dispute. The jealous Don Jose must seek anger-management
counselling.
The final scene returns to Seville. Escamillo's colourful procession
enters the bullring. A dishevelled Don Jose confronts Carmen. He is
suffering from low self-esteem. Counselling has only made his anger
worse, recovering repressed childhood memories of satanic rituals, where
he was forced to drink blood, eat babies, and smoke cheap, unfiltered
cigarettes. Acknowledging his trauma, Carmen insists he begin the healing
process by getting a bath and a shave. The two lovers embrace and detail
plans to offer workshops in cultural identity and empowerment. The bull
wins.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 14:10:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Foreplay is to sex as: A queue is to an amusement park ride.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com
ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON, ROGUE MALE OR A DELIVERY BOY
OF THE NEW MALE ORDER? ARE YOU A MAN OR A LOUSE? FIND OUT BELOW.
1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Your Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest
day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls
uniform) .
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) A Labour voter anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defence in court.
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 18:14:10 PDT
From: Bryan Lyles <lyles@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: From the Rochester Times-Union
To: spaf
>From the Rochester T-U of June 4th:
Dick Dougherty's column was discussing the military problems with adultery
"The prize entry came yesterday from Norm Allentoff of Pittsford who related
this (possibly apocryphal) story told him when he was with the British Royal
Air Force stationed in Cairo:
A British officer was arrested in the act of pursuing a young lady down the
halls of Shepheard's Hotel. Both were stark naked.
At the court martial the defense lawyer got him off by invoking the wording of
the military code. The pertinent clause read: 'An officer shall be properly
dressed in the uniform of the day at all times except when appropriately
attired for the sport in which he is engaging.'"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 23:50:16 -0400
From: Larry Riegel <llr@chesco.com>
Subject: FW: FW: stuff
To: yucks
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses
are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon
their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's
puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put
it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 97 16:22:52 -0800
From: donna.lantello-cc@ccmailsmtp.ast.com
Subject: FW: Surgery
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is the spleen, then what's that? Hand me
that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the patient has two of
'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make the leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean they weren't in for a sex change.....!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the
ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 13:05:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Going downtown to get tutored.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Kevin Dunlap <KevinD@MetaInfo.com
Forwarded-by: Ernie Vanden-Ende
Three relatively old dogs, a Poodle, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane,
are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. The shepherd asks the
poodle why he's here. "Well," the poodle replies, "I'm 17 years old. I
don't see or hear very well, and I've been having accidents in the house.
My owner says I'm too old and sick so I'm here to be put to sleep."
"That's too bad," replies the shepherd. "I used to be a police dog,
but I'm too old for that, and nobody will adopt me because they don't
trust me around children! So, I'm going to be put to sleep too."
They both turn to the great dane, expectantly. "I'm...", the dane
starts, hesitantly, "well, I've always been a bit high-strung. My owner
is a beautiful model, and yesterday she was walking around the apartment
naked, and, well, she bent over to pick something up. I... I couldn't
resist next thing I knew, I was on top of her."
"And you're here to be put to sleep, too?"
"No. I'm here to get my nails clipped."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 09:05:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
The Earnest Engineer's Lament
"I know geeks machinate at night,
That bitmaps scroll,
That some bugs byte,
But what's an engineer to do to set things right?"
-- ddt@lsd.com
[ After Hemingway's "The Earnest Liberal's Lament" 1921 ]
[ "I know monks masturbate at night, ]
[ That pet cats screw, ]
[ That some girls bite, ]
[ But what's a fellow to do to set things right?" ]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Bug Count Also Rises (Imitation Hemingway Contest Winner)
-- by John Browne
In the fall of that year the rains fell as usual and washed the leaves of
the dust and dripped from the leaves onto the ground. The shuttles drove
through the rainy streets and took the people to meetings, then later
brought them back, their tires spraying the mist into the air.
Many days he stood for a long time and watched the rain and the shuttles
and drank his double-tall mochas. With the mochas he was strong.
Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews came
to him and told him that the ship day was upon them but the bugs were not
yet out. The bugs which were always there even when you were in Cafes late
at night sipping a Redhook or a double-tall mocha and you thought you were
safe but they were there and although Enrico kept the floor swept clean
and the mochas were hot the bugs were there and they ate at you.
When Hernando told him this he asked how many bugs. "The RAID is huge with
bugs," Hernando said. "The bugs are infinite."
"Why do you ask me? You know I cannot do this thing anymore with the
bugs."
"Once you were great with the bugs," Hernando said. "No one was greater,"
he said again. "Even Prado."
"Prado? What of Prado? Let Prado fix the bugs."
Hernando shrugged. "Prado is finished. He was gored by three Sev 2's in
Chicago. All he does now is drink herb tea and play with his screensavers."
"Herb tea?"
"It is true, my friend." Hernando shrugged again. Later he went to his
office and sat in the dark for a long time. Then he sent e-mail to Michaels.
Michaels came to him while he was sipping a mocha. They sat silently for
awhile, then he asked Michaels, "I need you to triage for me."
Michaels looked down. "I don't do that anymore," he said.
"This is different. The bugs are enormous. There are an infinity of bugs."
"I'm finished with that," Michaels said again. "I just want to live
quietly."
"Have you heard Prado is finished? He was badly gored. Now he can only
drink herb tea."
"Herb tea?" Michaels said.
"It is true," he said sorrowfully.
Michaels stood up. "Then I will do it, my friend," he said formally. "I
will do it for Prado, who was once great with the bugs. I will do it for
the time we filled Prado's office with bouncy balls, and for the time
Prado wore his nerf weapons in the marketing hall and slew all of them
with no fear and only a great joy at the combat. I will do it for all the
pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank."
Together they walked slowly back, knowing it would be good. As they walked
the rain dripped softly from the leaves, and the shuttles carried the bodies
back from the meetings.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: How to Satisfy a Woman/Man Every Time
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,
forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust,
dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle,
melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade,
spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold
her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do
a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt,
enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her
to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin'
in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle,
dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up.
Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright (c) 1994
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: I've had your cats, matey, and you're next.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
Forwarded-by: Gareth Evans <gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com>
Forwarded-by B.R.Werkman@sheffield.ac.uk Fri Jun 20 11:43 BST 1997
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I have "owned" cats for the bulk of my life -- as a child, and then
subsequently as a husband, and there must be only one overriding
impression of their fluffy little species:
Cats are obscenely violent little animals.
Your idea of gentle harmless fun may be a game of Monopoly, or perhaps
Nintendo. Or maybe even nude 'Twister' with your local firemen and their
hose greasing machine. But your fluffy buddy is plotting other things
while he purrs in your ear. He is banking on a night of singing, outdoor
sex, killing things after toying with them for half an hour, then coming
home and nudging you away from the fire. Even Josef Mengele didn't have
the arrogance to come home from his butchery and lie on the oriental rug
with his legs in the air.
Anyone who has had a cat that has access to the Outside, will have
suffered from what I am about to describe. Coming downstairs in the
morning to find your living room looking like the bloody climax to a
Martin Scorcese movie where one Italian has said to another "Your mamma
-- she smella like a dog log."
There is very little else worse than greedily tucking into your bowl of
cornflakes, then spotting mouse entrails smeared up your collection of
horse brasses, half an ear on your TV remote, and a rat's ballbag on the
pouffe. I have woken up to find all manner of God's creatures in my house
following my installation of a cat flap.
Mice, bats, shrews, small birds, frogs, toads and a very pugnacious
squirrel have all shat in terror on my Berber carpet. But it was the
magpie that caused the most spectacular incident. And it chose to happen
on one of the worst possible days of the month. My wife wasn't in the best
of moods that morning. She was suffering from one of the deeper
switchbacks in the bizarre rollercoaster of woman's lunar cycle.
It was one of those few days in the month when she could have terrified
even the mighty Ghengis Khan into picking up his underpants and putting
them in the dirty washing basket. I had already been threatened with
having my plums seen to with a cheese grater for the grievous offence of
starting a new tube of toothpaste whilst there was still some left in the
old one. After I had painstakingly explained that the other toothpaste
caused my tongue to swell up -- making every word I said sound like "Wob"
-- I was answered with "You're a bastard and so are all your friends."
It's worth digressing for a moment to consider this phenomenon. It is
only just for that short window in the month that Man can participate
in dialogues like:
"What's the matter?"
"NOTHING."
"Oh, what is it,darling?"
"Nothing. It's just that boo hoo sob sob sob."
"Hey -- don't cry... come here."
"FUCK OFF. Leave me alone."
"Tell me what's the matter, please."
"You don't understand. You never understand -- just GET OUT and leave
me alone."
"Ok, ok, I'll go for a beer with Anthony. Can you pass me the 'pho-..."
"You would as well, wouldn't you, you bastard? My mother was right....."
Following that would be the long conversation to the mother, who would
inevitably come round and look at me over the top of her glasses,
obviously thinking "I know what you do to my daughter. Her father did it
to me once. There was a funny smell and a lot of washing."
The first I heard of the magpie incident was when I was in the shower.
Being a British shower, it was dribbling a woeful trickle of tepid water
slower than an infected nostril, and I had to wriggle about a bit to get
the flow to cover my body. I was currently concentrating on warming my
back, having budgeted for my nipples temporarily turning into hat pegs,
and my once proud set of parts shrivelling to those of an aging bulldog.
I heard a noise from downstairs.
"Matthew! Matthew!"
Thinking it was only that another bottle of my home-brew had exploded
because of cheerfully over-confident sugar usage, I didn't rush.
"Matthew! Help!"
Now that sounded urgent. I recognised that voice. It was the voice
normally reserved for a muffled "Oh God I swear I put toilet paper on that
shopping list and this magazine hurts." I turned off the shower, and put
on my bath robe. As I ran downstairs, I was surprised to see my two cats
come hurtling into the hallway, terror written across their faces. My
wife's voice was coming from the kitchen, so I opened the door and went
in.
Oh dear, oh dear. The kitchen looked like it had played host to an
energetic Rolling Stones party where each member of the band had brought
along their pet Tasmanian Devil. The room was destroyed. Upturned plant
pots, bin on its side, pans everywhere and a stack of clean, ironed
washing strewn over the floor making friends with the plant pot compost.
And standing on the fridge-freezer, head cockily on one side, was the most
impressive magpie that has ever lived. Magpie is, by his very nature, an
arrogant bird, and this fellow was no exception. From the vicious curve
of his beak to the jaunty angle of his black & white tail feathers, this
chap meant business. All of a sudden I understood the whole situation.
Working as a pair, the cats had thought they'd have him. Temporarily
stunned by a double furry onslaught, the bird had allowed himself to be
dragged into the kitchen via the cat flap. But then he'd woken up with a
headache, in a bad mood and bursting to go to the toilet (If he'd had a
proud but useless erection as well, then I would have accepted that human
males share 90% of bird DNA).
And so the fight had begun. The cats really had no chance. The damn thing
looked like a nasty from a "Sinbad" movie. The only difference being that
Ray Harryhausen never had the guts to animate the things that this monster
did. Unless I'm mistaken, the line "Unsheath your sabre, Jason -- he's
shitting on the microwave!" was not in any "Sinbad" film.
Now, I had a problem. How could I tackle him? It was 8am, I was tired,
and the last thing I wanted was a magpie having an energetic squawk in my
bathrobe. I decided to go into the front room for a moment to think about
it. My wife was already there. But magpie had been there before her. I
looked at the state of the room, and was horrified when I saw the
disruption on the table. "Look at the sofa" my wife sobbed, pointing at
spots of magpie lime. "Never mind the fucking sofa," I shouted, pointing
at the table, "I was a cockhair away from finishing that jigsaw!"
"Those stains on that fabric will never come out even with those banned
cleaning chemicals I had to buy for your athletic support!"
"Two thousand pieces and all I needed was that postman's foot!"
We looked at each other decided to take our anger out on the magpie
instead. I strode manfully into the kitchen, and opened the back door.
Then I picked up the mop and swung it at the bird. "Get...out...you...
black & white BUGGER!"
This seemed to have the desired effect. He didn't like that at all. He
gave me a look that said "I've had your cats, matey, and you're next". A
very violent two minutes followed with a lot of flapping and swearing.
Whilst this was going on, my wife, normally a quiet demure woman, donned
one solitary boot so she could hoof our bemused tabby around the hall.
At last I got the bird near the back door. I was a wreck. My hair had been
flapped up so much I looked like a chicken. I was unshaven, my bathrobe
was hanging open, I had a violent gleam in my eye, and a mop in my hands.
The bird saw he was beaten. With a defiant squawk and a flap, he swooped
out of the back door. Riding the victory I chased him out, whooping and
shouting, "Get off my property you feathery fucker oh shit no sorry not
you oh it's dangling out isn't it?"
Mormons choose ridiculous times to call.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 08:41:00 EST
From: "Gerald A. White" <gawhite@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu>
Subject: I hope that you haven't posted this one...
To: yucks
Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking
about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage
counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."
"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "He always brings me a pearl
or two before we make love."
The third woman paused. "Well," she finally said, "my husband works
for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how
great it's going to be when I get it."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: I really like margarine.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
What Are You Thinking?
-- by John Scalzi
The question this time, from the men's side of the table: what should you
do when the women you're with asks you: "What are you thinking?"
Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more
often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you
are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a
feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you're doing,
you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused
of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you'll spend the
next week pretending to be sorry. So you've got to come up with
something. And it had better be good.
Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we're
thinking? Simple: they assume we're thinking in the first place. Hard to
believe, but there it is.
Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her
what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife, and this is what
she is thinking about:
"Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having
Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room so
that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that
I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I'm going
to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And
under that I'm wondering if it's too late to get tickets on a plane to
Ohio for Christmas. AND I'm thinking about getting a snack."
Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four
separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be
thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.
Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out
of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in
12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we
thinking about?
1. Sex
2. Food
3. Steve Miller tunes
4. Sports
5. "Beavis and Butthead"
6. Sex
7. Work
8. The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and whether
a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly exist within it
(or Beer)
9. Sleep
10. Sex
In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a 8.83%
chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might
as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick --
what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn't you. You lose.
Sit down.
Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never
thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In
a way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long
enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we
think in an hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we'll be
thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking." And that's just going to
get us in trouble.
The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are
thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she
does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of
each:
"I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by the
fire together."
Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you're spontaneous.
Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation);
Romantic moments often prompt even more "What are you thinking" queries.
"I'm thinking how much I love you."
Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any
need for further conversation; Is often also true.
Cons: If you use it too much, she'll know it's a line, and then
you're really in trouble.
"I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."
Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.
Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of "alien
sigmoidoscopy" story that ruined her last relationship.
"I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I'd be."
Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to
establish your place in the animal kingdom.
Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skink; She may
forego the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.
"I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust in the Wind'
really are."
Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall
conversation, you may break out into song.
Cons: If she's a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find
yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper, "Dust"
or Aerosmith's "Dream On".
Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought.
If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share
it, as long as it's not something along the lines of "This relationship
blows" or "I really like margarine". With a little practice, you should
come out okay.
But, hey. That's just what I think.
(John Scalzi is a writer and editor for America Online. His wife almost
never asks him what he is thinking. He can't decide if this is a good or
bad thing.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: Roger Kautz <kautz@shore.net>
So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at
the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"
shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses
even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in
the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses
again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 97 18:49:26 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: More on (moron) Medical Case Files
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Matthew T. Kleinosky" <mkleinosky@utsph.sph.uth.tmc.edu>
Forwarded-by: "Pat Shields (Teats de Swamp)" <pshields@EMAIL.UNC.EDU>
YES!YES!YES! That stuff is the absolute truth (RE: Funny things in
medical records). Transcription is what I do for a living, and I have had
to edit the same stuff out of documents every day! Some of my favorites
that I have had in my very own work:
"He does have a nipple ring, but denies any other symptoms."
"Along with Dr. XXXX, the L2-3 interspace was identified and anesthetized."
"Abdomen is flat and round."
"She reports she had sexual relations with a male known to her last night
and this morning."
"The patient was examined along with the nurse."
"His younger brother died of a drug overdose which seemed to increase his
difficulty with sleep."
"He states that he was assaulted at the end of February with a negative
head CT." [CT = Computer Tomography, aka CAT scan]
"A head CT was done at an outside institution which was normal."
"Upon conversing with the patient, his left leg was amputated."
"She uses condoms for birth control pills now."
"Genital exam: unremarkable penis."
"Her head...scratch that."
"On examination, the patient had swelling of the bilateral hemiscrotum."
And my very favorite:
"MEDICATION: 2500 mg aspirin. Wait a minute. Did I say that right?
2500 mg aspirin. 2.5 g aspirin. That's a shitload of aspirin!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work:
10: Develop Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solaire.
9: You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island.
8: People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
7: To exercise your creative side, you knit a computer cozy.
6: You create on ongoing e-mail dialog with your computer at home.
5: No longer content with merely photo-copying your ass, you now scan
it and enhance it with Photoshop.
4: After months of taking frequent breaks, you now require only a single
can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves.
3: You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces
images of Elvis.
2: The 18-hole par 3 mini-golf course in your office.
1: The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and
General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jun 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Post-college realizations
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel V Klein <dvk@lonewolf.com>
The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead of your roommate.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It's 'getting late' at 9:30 p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year -- and still can't afford that dream
Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the
hospital by game's end.
Discussions with your friends --
THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie -- The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead
of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered
as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter
and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking
classes.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".
Football "season tickets", which used to be $75 for the season with dozens
of friends are now $750 for the season with the three other guys who want
to get away from the family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down
like I used to'.
You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a
Sega.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 97 13:59:23 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Quick Thinking Lovers
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Gerry Pollack <pollack@conxion.com>
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together
as they gyrated to their own music. The woman cocked her ear. "Quick, it's
my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom," she cried.
Her lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. As
she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard
you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a
knowing smile. "Great," he said. "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will
be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him he was into the
bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air. "Who the
devil are you?" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company.
Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But.. but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband. The lover
looked down and jumped backwards in surprise, exclaiming, "The little
bastards!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 97 19:45:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Quote of the Day - Bobbie Bowden
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Stephen Nelson <StephenNelson@KennedyJenks.com>
He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his
grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.
-Bobbie Bowden (Florida State University football coach)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Apr 1997 11:28:36 -0500
From: The Dad <scottlee@mindspring.com>
Subject: Sometimes you just have to take things at face value
To: afx@scottlee.mindspring.com, exafx@scottlee.mindspring.com, goofy@scottlee.mindspring.com, smyrna@scottlee.mindspring.com, spaf@purdue.edu
This is a great story. I just finished hearing this on the radio.
It seems that a guy in a small town in Georgia was looking through
the remains of a burned out bank building when he came across a
stack of currency. The building was abandoned so he put it into
his pocket. At that point in time, the decoy bundle exploded,
covering him with dye and staining his clothes.
He ran to his friend's pickup truck and ripped off his clothes, but
his friend only had a clown suit in it, so that's what he put on.
The irritant in the dye started burning his skin so they stopped
at, what else... a bank and he ran inside to find help.
The tellers in the bank, upon seeing a screaming, dye bombed man,
in a clown suit, proceeded to call, who else... the police, who
came and arrested him, but after checking out his story, discovered
that it was, indeed, true, and so released him.
It just goes to prove that you sometimes have to take a screaming, dye
bombed man, in a clown suit, at face value.
Have a good day, guys.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The Creation (of the Mac)
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kirk McKusick <mckusick@mckusick.com>
THE CREATION
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
c:\>Let there be light!
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one
place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled
over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its
kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and
subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea
and over the fowl of the air and over every living
thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On March 8, God created the Macintosh.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jun 1997 13:44:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: Chip Seymour <cseymour@mbunix.mitre.org>
Subject: The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score
To: yucks
(...a nauseating number of forwards deleted...)
The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score
Note: Some things are just expected of guys and therefore have a score
of zero.
Simple Duties
-------------
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
Its her father: -10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And its not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar: +1
Okay, its a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
Its a sports bar. Its all-you-can-eat night. And your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and its not small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll paying off for months: +30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
--------------------------
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three: -2, again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3:00am: -20
You get home at 3:00am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out. Just The Two of You
---------------------------------
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up
close and personal: -25
She finds out that you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
[I've been married long enough now to score in the negative 5 digits
range. Helps take some of the pressure off to behave. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 97 14:28:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Wild and Crazy Dentist
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Bob Stein" <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Forwarded-by: "Truscello, Roberta" <RT@sswhb.com>
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They're getting along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his
hands. The girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
Surprised, the guy says "Yes... how did you figure that out?" The girl
says: "Easy. You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another... They make love... After they're done, the
girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy is very surprised and
flattered, he says: "Well, yes, I am a great dentist, but how did you figure
that out?" The girl says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 97 01:58:55 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: What's the secret to gre... TIMING!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: rfire@cais.cais.com (Dr. Roger M. Firestone)
I understand that Garry Kasparov has a plan. He's going to schedule the
rematch with the computer for just before midnight, 01 January 2000.
[This would have been funnier if it was closer to the chess match.
Sorry. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 1997 12:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: Daniel V Klein <dvk@lonewolf.com>
You Might Be In The Medical Field if:
1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
6. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
8. You believe Chocolate is a food group.
9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, it sure is quiet around here.
10. When you're out in public and you compliment a stranger on their
great veins.
11. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the
eternal care center.
12. You hate working nights with a full moon.
13. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this
patient.
14. You have wanted to give a seminar on "SUICIDE" Doing it right the
first time.
15. You have had to leave a pt's room before you laugh uncontrollably.
16. You think coffee should be available in IV form.
17. You have ever restrained someone and it was NOT a sexual experience.
18. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
19. If you have ever referred to a Paramedic as a "Shit magnate".
20. You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.
21. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
22. When ordering labs the Doctor wants to order a "dumb shit" lab.
23. When you mention vegetable you aren't talking about the food group.
24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
25. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, "No, I don't
have to be worried about birth control... I've been irradiated."
26. Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there."
27. You have your weekends all marked and planned for the year.
28. You encourage an obnoxious person to sign an AMA just so you don't
have to deal with them anymore.
29. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a shift.
31. You have ever bet on someones blood alcohol level.
32. You threaten to use "the hose" if your patient won't give a urine sample.
33. After someone tells you how many drinks they've had, you ask... "How big
were those drinks."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: You might be a red neck Jedi if...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Jansson <petej@clickvision.com>
Forwarded-by: seth <seth@primehost.com>
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......
Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a
non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the
dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: You Might Be A Sysadmin.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: Dan Pritts <danno@aa.fv.com>
Forwarded-by: Mark A Gebert <geeb@merit.edu>
Forwarded-by: John P. Herlocher <johnpher@us.itd.umich.edu>
From: Jonathan Kalbfeld <jrk@doppelganger.mti.sgi.com>
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin
-- by Jonathan Kalbfeld
10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have
no idea it is referring to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished
college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render
obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!"
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File
System.
And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin...
1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today
so I can avoid wearing pants."
[Heck, #1 might simply mean you're a prof. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 1997 13:11:41 +0100
From: Stuart Blacklock <stuart@blklck.demon.co.uk>
Subject: Yucks Digest V7 #13 (more shorts from the backlog)
To: yucks
In Yucks V7 #13, Peter Langston writes :-
>"Elton John said he thought of singing a version of 'Candle In The
>Wind' [for Mother Teresa], but he can't think of a rhyme for
>'leprosy.'"
Sorry Peter, Elton's managed it - he's just released "A Sandal In The
Bin" !
------------------------------
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Where else?
It all happened in a pub. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in
a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, " says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go
to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I gratuated in '62".
"This is unbelievable!",the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and gratuated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------