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Yucks Digest V6 #6 (shorts; more backlog)
Yucks Digest Wed, 12 Jun 96 Volume 6 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
... simple, if not painful.
... skillfully fashioned by professional "shaftologist".
About the American Hyphen Society.
And those reasons are?
Cage's 4'33"
CURSES -- was Re: Worst Line controversy
cutie
Even with.
Gertrude Stein/HotJava/Oakland
Good point.
How do I keep my dog sane.
I'm not dead yet!
Jerry Garcia, gratefully dead in the Afterlife
JOTD (3 msgs)
love scenes
Mom's still best at the backhanded compliment.
Nothing was said about the whips and leather mask.
Now, *there's* a difference.
OK, it was new to me.
Operating System Tunes
Our Love is Here to Stack
po-mo humor
Process Flowchart
QOTD (5 msgs)
Quote of the day
Reason #3 is, of course, the main one.
Sheep Joke of the Day
Signs of the Times and .sig O' The Day
Sig O' The Day
That's right, tell us how you really feel.
The artery formerly known as...
The light-emitting vegetable diode.
The Software Development Process
The tragedy of Canada
Those whacky science reporters.
Thousands of uses (plus 2)
Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion...
Top Reasons To Buy Win 95
Tough to get a conviction in some parts...
Warning: Your means of transportation may explode.
WhiteBoardness 9/22/95
Who's Who
Who, indeed?
Yeah, that would provide some bright spots.
You goddamn French and your constant testing.
yucks
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html> and subscriptions can
be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... simple, if not painful.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Today's Detroit Free Press, pg C-1, reports on a recently cancelled
British TV show `The World'. One of the regular characters was called
Mr. Power Tool. The article says:
Mr. Power Tool's job was simple, if not painful: Tie a rope to his
privates, tie the other end of the rope to a chair occupied by a woman,
and drag the chair across the stage.
All in full view of the Channel 4 cameras.
[Many British forms of courtship are obscure to those of us in the US.
-spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:35:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... skillfully fashioned by professional "shaftologist".
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
URL originally noted "Lindsay F. Marshall" <Lindsay.Marshall@newcastle.ac.uk>
http://www.aksi.net/olbull/canes.html
The page:
OL'BULL MARKETING
[ picture of putter, cane and walking stick]
CANES-WALKING STICKS GOLF PUTTERS
The above are made from specially cured bull penises, processed and
treated to a polyurethane glass finish. This label is attaced to show
authenticity. This shaft is made from the actual reproductive organ of
a bull...skillfully fashioned by professional "shaftologist".
The Cane has a high gloss polyurethane finish with a uniform curved
grip handle. Brass Tip Bottom. "What a conversation piece."
The Walking Stick has a cushioned handle with a 1" brass ball top and
a brass tipped bottom. It is elegant in appearance, the epitome of
walking sticks.
The Golf Putter has a polyurethane glass finish with brass butting
head, cusioned grip with brass top. You'll be the talk of the Club
House! When you see the above, you'll know why the Ol'Bull is mad!
We look forward to hearing from you.
E-mail: jay@aseere-systems.com
[I bought one of the walking sticks for my uncle this last Christmas.
It is awesome to see. And it made a unique and amazing gift. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 08:35:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: About the American Hyphen Society.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
From: masson@convex.com (Bob Masson)
About the American Hyphen Society
The American Hypen Society is a community-based, not-for-profit,
grass-roots conciousness-raising/education-research alliance that
seeks to help effectuate the across-the-board self-empowerment of
wide-ranging culture-, nationality-, ethnicity-, creed-, gender-,
and sexual-orientation defined identity groups by excising all
multiculturally-less-than-sensitive terminology from the English
language, and replacing it with counter-hegemonic, cruelty-, gender-,
bias-, and, if necessary, content-free speech. The society's motto
is "It became necessary to destroy the language in order to save it".
Its headquarters are in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 12:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And those reasons are?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it
is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then.
-- jfw@proteon.com (John Woods)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 09:51:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <dkw0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Cage's 4'33"
To: "Spafford, Gene" <spaf>
While talking to a friend recently, we somehow got on the subject
of John Cage's 4'33"... the following is a direct result.
>From a review of a CD containing John Cage's 4'33":
"Also included on the CD is a new recording of John Cage's 4'33" scored
for a full orchestra. While some prefer the simplicity of the earlier
studio recording, claiming that the silence of the recording studio is
more pristine than the silence of the orchestra, this reviewer finds the
warmth and richness of a full orchestra not playing their instruments much
preferable to the sterile silence of an empty room. Although recorded in
analog, the digital remastering has lost none of the sound quality, and
may even have improved on it. The tape hiss, often an annoyance in other
versions of the work, has been all but eliminated, allowing the full
clarity of Cage's work to be exposed.
Berstein's interpretation of this work is excellent, which some find
surprising considering his metabolic rate. While the spectacle
of a dead man conducting an orchestra is distasteful to some, I think the
choice was excellent. Who else but a corpse could summon the requisite
stillness to convey to the orchestra the subtle nuances so necessary to
the composition?"
It goes on to disparage Jimi Hendrix's 1980 recording, claiming that,
although Hendrix was dead, the electric guitar is too brash an instrument
even if he didn't play it. Differences between the mono and stereo
versions are also mentioned.
Written by David K. Wall :-)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 20:10:14 EDT
From: Noli Me Tangere <IO20444@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
Subject: CURSES -- was Re: Worst Line controversy
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
Several people have commented on the dearth of good curses in the English
language, thus leading authors (some even SF!) to say things like, "I
winced in pain at the red-hot stream of invective flowing from his lips.
'Boy,' I said, 'if God was listening we'd all be dead." and equally
tortuous things to avoid the difficulty of recreating believable swearing.
(I stole that sentence, by the way. Sorry.)
Well, all you filthy minds, check this out.
Over in alt.folklore.urban, Harry Teasley is quoted as saying:
> All too often your predecessors in this area, whose tradition you uphold
> so well, proved to be nothing more than axe-grinding political reactionary
> inbred unthinking illogical cereberally-challenged knee-biter two-bit
> flame-throwing fight-starting loud-mouthed dipshit know-nothing lunatic
> impotent Tiberius moronic dumbfuck asshole loser no-date shit-for-brains
> cowardly crass tin-plated-dictator-with-delusions-of-manhood flaccid
> fatheaded needle-dick wimpy pimply facile Canadian bigoted mean
> small-minded dull cheap-shot-taking impolite pinheaded idiotic boring
> asinine oxygen-wasting braindead feeble sophmoric simplistic egocentric
> never-kissed-a-girl drooling clueless stuffed-shirt weenerbrane dittohead
> incapable-of-realising-no-one-gives-two-yanks-of-a-pig's-tit-what-their-
> politics-are black-helicopter-fearing Bircher obnoxious bad-beer-drinking
> hypocritical unread pesty churlish stupid self-righteous lame childish
> unlistening rude unquestioning Post-Virus-contributing nightmarishly-ill-
> informed pablum-puking cretinous hair-triggered obstinate intellectuallly-
> bankrupt unsound childish doltish mouth-breathing armpit-scratching
> knuckle-dragging hydrocephalic pontificating shrill easily-offended
> knock-kneed Gawd-help-us dotty puerile juvenile criminally-ignorant sorry
> loony screwball monstrous priggish fucking total wastes of time.
Now if _this_ isn't a good curse, I've never heard one.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Sep 95 04:32:00 EDT (Fri)
From: lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
SMILE
by Tim Colley
"Meddling with the occult has its dangers," mused Petronius
He was standing in the livingroom of Sir Mannerly Gorge-Rising,
the choleric and decadent TV mogul. At the feet of the famed Deducer
lay the honourable gentleman, strangely shrunken. There was a
professional, tell-tale squareness about the corners of the staring
eyes. . . .
Apparently suffering from shortcomings in his station ratings, the
nobleman had turned to black magic in an attempt to augment his market.
The evening newscasts had been enlivened by goat slayings, while
tomorrow's weather forecasts rested in the hands of the few
necromantic weatherpersons who could read rooster entrails.
The room was filled with a strong caramel odour. On a priceless
Persian carpet stood a smouldering cauldron; cabalistic signs were
scrawled on the floor and walls.
But Petronius and the eighteen-man SWAT team had little time for
the corpse; their attention was welded to the apparition in the corner.
There stood a huge fire-breathing monster with a lion's head, a goat's
body, and a serpent's tail. It huffed and snorted uneasily, dripping
a glossy coating onto the carpeting.
Petronius motioned the squad forward. "Arrest that figment - but take
care, he's powerfully sticky." The hulking brute was swiftly secured
and led away.
"Can you tell me just what's been going on here?" demanded the
SWAT leader.
"The evidence suggests that that poor, unfounded conception triggered
off a heart attack in the man as soon as it was hit with the boiling
sugar."
"Then Sir Mannerly acted first in self-defense?"
"No. I think he planned the sugar-coating deliberately. He summoned
the creature so that he could subject us all to something inhuman,
using the beast itself on television."
"What do you mean?"
"Ask yourself this - could there be anything worse than five thousand
episodes of the new, candied chimera?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 18:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Even with.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
From: Jeff Bowles <jbowles@us.oracle.com>
Even with all this talk about "kitty porn", I can't bring myself
to take my cat calendar off the refrigerator.
Jeff Bowles
------------------------------
Date: 22 Sep 1995 08:43:37 -0700
From: tcunniff@panix.com (Tom Cunniff)
Subject: Gertrude Stein/HotJava/Oakland
Hi everyone,
Recently I posted a rant about how people are misusing tools like HotJava
when they should be using real creativity. I said that as Stein said of
Cleveland, "There's no there, there."
Several people have since corrected me: "There's no there, there" referred
to Oakland, California.
In fact, the night I posted my rant, Gertrude Stein herself came to me in a
dream (accompanied by an inebriated Ernest Hemingway) and threatened to
punch my lights out for making the mistake.
Tom Cunniff
President, CIA
Cunniff Interactive Advertising
(P.S.Later in the dream, over grappa, both Stein and Hemingway agreed with
my observations about creativity on the Web. Then suddenly, Hemingway leapt
up and broke a chair over the head of a man demo-ing a Web Site with a 250K
image map on the home page.)
[People who abuse Java probably have trouble sleeping, which may
explain dreams like this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 08:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
More proof that dreams aren't worth much comes from the
revelations in the recently discovered Jesse Jame diary,
written when he was a boy. Although he dreamt that he
would grow up to wear a mask and rob people, he never did
become a surgeon!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 23:27:21 GMT
From: sorgatz@avatar.tti.com (Erik K.Sorgatz)
Subject: How do I keep my dog sane.
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
In article <43vaf6$1gf@cronkite.seas.gwu.edu> totoro@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu (Mary Lee) writes:
>Hello, my neighbor is an amateur radio operator. The problem isn't that
>TSI or TVI or whatever. The problem is each time he transmits on 2
>yards, my dog, Miss Tastycakes mounts the magazine rack. Is there some
>type of filter he can insatll to stop this behavior. Ham Radio Outlet,
>the ArrF and my vet have no idea how to stop this. And for you wiseguys
>out there, I WILL NOT MOVE. My family has lived in this house for 4
>generations. The problem is you men. Please help me. I can't clean up
>forever. Thank You.
>
Your dog is a pervert...take it to a shrink.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 08:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I'm not dead yet!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
Forwarded-by: smm@uunet.uu.net (Steve Mansfield)
Original-newsgroup: misc.emerg-services
One of our trucks recently were toned to respond to the GSW
[gun-shot wound] to the head. The victim called 911 via her
ceullular phone. She told the operator that she just sat down
in her car and someone shot her in the back of the head. She
told the dispatched that she was afraid to move because she
could feel brain tissue hanging out the back of her head.
When the crew arrived, they found the woman sitting in the front
seat. Her groceries were in the back seat. The Medics found
dough where the woman thought that she felt brain tissue. A
can of biscuit dough in the shopping bag exploded and hit her
in the back of the head. Needless to say, the woman was greatly
relieved to find that out.
Funny but true,
Ron
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 95 12:35:01 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Jerry Garcia, gratefully dead in the Afterlife
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
From: rec.music.makers.songwriter
Jerry Garcia dies. He wakes up in a white room surrounded by every
conceivable musical instrument. Guitars, drums, pianos, trumpets.
Everything. Just then a door opens. Jimi Hendrix walks in and picks up a
guitar. Charlie Parker comes in and grabs a sax. Jaco Pastorius grabs a
bass, etc., etc.
Jerry says, "Wow, there really is a rock and roll Heaven, and I'm going to
jam with the band!"
Jimi Hendrix leans over and says, "Heaven?"
Just then another door opens. Karen Carpenter walks in, sits behind a
drum kit, and says, "OK everybody, 'Close to you'. One...two..."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 08:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>
In The News: Jay Leno, on doctors announcing that Jerry Garcia
died from clogged arteries: "Isn't that ironic? People thought
it was the marijuana, and all the time it was the brownies."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 14:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Japanese Prime Minister Tomiichi Murayama apologized for Japan's part in
World War II... However, he hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
-- David Letterman
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 1995 08:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
There are these race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races I've won 8."
Another horse breaks in: "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races I've one 28!", says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point they notice that greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast", says the greyhound "but in MY last
90 races I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow", says one, after a hushed silence, "A talking dog!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 22:57:04 GMT
From: lsc@netcom.com (Lisa Chabot)
Subject: love scenes
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
She put down her keyboard and looked at him directly. He seemed
impassive but she knew inside he wanted her to touch him, to hold
him in her special way. Her bosom heaved as she grew more excited
thinking of this. She loved the way her breasts strained against
buttons of the silky material--it was beige, grayish beige,
her favorite color, and she knew she looked stunning in it.
She reached out, taking him in her hand, feeling his hardness.
She gasped, shook her head as if to clear it, saying, "So, what
will it be, big boy?" Then she deftly flipped him over
and read his answer
REPLY HAZY -- ASK AGAIN LATER
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 20:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Mom's still best at the backhanded compliment.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: wendy_nather@il.us.swissbank.com (Wendy Nather)
--------------- Begin forwarded message ---------------
From: mln@bullwinkle.as.utexas.edu (Marilane L. Nather)
Subject: Re: *Style*. Beauty. Grace. That's what matters.
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 95 17:02:54 CDT
To: wendy_nather@il.us.swissbank.com
[...] Even I'm impressed, and I've seen you throw up.
Love,
Mom
---------------- End forwarded message ----------------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 11:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Nothing was said about the whips and leather mask.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Michael J. Leibensperger (Insulting Munger of Technical Chaff)
>From the "Newsbriefs" section of "Archaeology" magazine,
September/October 1995 issue:
VERSATILE UNDERPANTS
Leather underpants, apparently used to plug a leak in a Bronze
Age boat, have been recovered from the vessel's caulking
material. Found near Dover, England, the 60-foot boat may have
sprung a leak during a cross-channel voyage. Paul Bennett of
the Canterbury Archaeological Trust says, "it was an old boat
which saw much service and would have leaked during rough,
wintry seas. It seems someone was asked to make the ultimate
sacrifice. It is an evocative find."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 11:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Now, *there's* a difference.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las
Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks
are gambling with *our* money.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 13:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: OK, it was new to me.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: "Scott A. Rust" <SARUST@gallua.gallaudet.edu>
Why was Jesus born in a stable?
Because Joseph belonged to an HMO.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 14:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Operating System Tunes
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ray Davis <rdavis@masschaos.de.convex.com>
[Author Unknown]
Following Microsoft Corp's use of the Rolling Stones' Start
Me Up to introduce Windows 95 - Gates was reportedly turned
down by REM -- DEC-watcher Illuminata Inc's Terry Shannon has
put together a Windows 95 Billboard of Operating System Tunes:
Rank OS Hit Tune Artist
--------------------------------------------------------
10 Plan 9 Space Oddity David Bowie
9 Linux Give It Away Red Hot Chilli Peppers
8 OS/400 Paint It Black Rolling Stones
7 OpenVMS Built To Last Tom Petty
6 HP-UX You're So Vain Carly Simon
5 MacOS Trouble Waiting To Happen Warren Zevon
4 MVS Living In The Past Jethro Tull
3 Solaris Eclipse Pink Floyd
2 Windows NT Godzilla Blue Oyster Cult
1 OS/2 Funeral For A Friend Elton John
--------------------------------------------------------
Unplugged versions for nomadic platforms would of course be
included as bonus tracks.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 12:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Our Love is Here to Stack
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Many people don't know that the great American composer George Gershwin
loved computers. But his brother, Ira, hated them. That is why Ira took
all of George's songs and changed the titles and words. The original
titles include:
I Got Algorithm
They Can't Take That Array From Me
I Got Plenty O' Debuggin'
The Mainframe I Love
A Foggy Database
Our Love is Here to Stack
Softwaretime
and, of course, the all-time classic:
Rhapsody in Boolean
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 95 00:42:42 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: po-mo humor
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Forwarded-by: Nancy L Watterson
Forwarded-by: Jody Davie
From: Richard Spear <rspear@PRIMENET.COM>
Q: What did the native say to the postmodern anthropologist?
A: "Enough about you, let's talk about me."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Process Flowchart
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: Ajay Soni <ajay@unity.sj.unisys.com>
PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS
___________________________
YES / \ NO
+------------| Does the Darn Thing work? |------------+
| \___________________________/ |
V V
+----------+ _________ _________
| Don't | NO / Does \ +-------+ YES / Did you \
| mess | +---| anyone |<------| YOU |<---------| mess |
| with it! | | | know? | | MORON | | with it |
+----------+ | \_________/ +-------+ \_________/
| | | | NO
| V | YES |
| +------+ +-----------+ |
| | HIDE | V |
| | IT | +--------+ _____v_____
| +------+ | YOU | YES / WILL THEY \
| | +------->| POOR |<------------| CATCH YOU?|
| | | | SUCKER | \___________/
| | | |________| | NO
| | | | V
| | | ______v________ +------------+
| | | NO / CAN YOU BLAME \ |DESTROY THE |
| | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE |
| | \_______________/ +------------+
| | | YES |
| | v |
| | ============================= |
| +------>|| N O ||<------+
+-------------->|| P R O B L E M ||
=============================
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 95 01:20:01 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: QOTD
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
"It is not necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There
are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, the other is nostalgia."
-- Frank Zappa
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 17:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Colin Gray <COLIN@CONED.UWINNIPEG.CA>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
While it has been suggested that the black household lay at the heart of
the Plague's spread across Europe, in 1348 the Medical Faculty of the
University of Paris outlines the circumstances favouring the reception of
the plague:
In the year of Our Lord 1345, on March 20, there was a conjunction of
the planets Saturn, Jupiter and Mars in the House of Aquarius.
The conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter portends death and disaster.
The conjunction of Mars and Jupiter portends pestilence in the air.
For Jupiter is warm and humid and draws evil vapours from earth and
water; and Mars is hot and dry, and kindles the evil into an infective
fire.
We must therefore expect a terrible calamity.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Capitalists are no more capable of self-sacrifice than a man is
capable of lifting himself up by his own bra straps.
-- V.I. Lenin, Letters from Afar (1917)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 11:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
"Women like it when guys do something spontaneous... except taking
hostages. I speak from personal experience. I was not impressed."
-- from the FOX show, "Partners"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 11:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Life's a bleach. Then you dye.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Sep 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from Richard Halliburton's 1925 book, _The Royal Road to
Romance_.
[Halliburton reflects on the glory of having ascended to the peak of the
Matterhorn]
In that fierce moment of intense living we felt our blood surge within us.
The terrors and struggles of the climb were forgotten. The abyss beneath
us, the bewildering panorama about us, cast a spell that awed me to
silence. I began to believe it awed [Halliburton's friend] Irvine too, for
I saw him clasp his hands and look out over the six thousand foot chasm
with an expression that assured me he was in tune with the infinite.
"Oh, Dick," he whispered in such unusually solemn tones that I
awaited some great inspired utterance about the sublimity of nature and the
glory of God.
Breathlessly, tremblingly, I listened.
_"At last,"_ he continued in a far-away voice, "after talking about
it and dreaming about it all these years, at last, I can _actually_ SPIT A
MILE!"
Submitted by: thorntn@cc.umanitoba.ca (Duncan Thornton)
Jun. 12, 1995
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 12:05:11 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Reason #3 is, of course, the main one.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: David Boyce <dave@abyss.demon.co.uk>
>From the "Seybold Report On Desktop Publishing", relating their
experiences in setting up a web site:
"We decided to use Macintoshes for our installation. There were three
reasons:
- The Macintosh world is rich with Internet software, and a TCP/IP
driver is now standard in the Apple system.
- We had no budget for new servers, but we did have some aging
68030 machines that no-one wanted.
- Our resident techie is a Macintosh bigot.
Reason 3 is of course the main one."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 1995 12:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sheep Joke of the Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric D Hendrickson <edh@maroon.tc.umn.edu>
Forwarded-by: Cindi Plaisance <clp@epx.cis.umn.edu>
Forwarded-by: Robert Thomas <RCOMIC@AOL.COM>
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of
having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty
years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk
for some help. He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated,
colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way),
Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of
breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made
of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel." I said, "Not to us city
boys."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 20:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signs of the Times and .sig O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: udsd007@dsibm.okladot.state.ok.us (Mike Andrews)
Seen while driving through rural Oklahoma:
No Trespassing
Keep Out
Of the Dog
--
Mike Andrews
udsd007@dsibm.okladot.state.ok.us
Mgr., Tech. Support, Okla. Dept. of Transportation
I must have been a very bad cockroach in a previous life:
I came back as a _postmaster_.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 15:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sig O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 10:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: That's right, tell us how you really feel.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
"NT is about as scalable as the state of Luxembourg."
-- Brian Jeffery, managing director, International
Technology Group, Los Altos, California
Information Week, 11 Sep 95.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 95 4:30:07 EDT
From: jack@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Jack Morrison)
Subject: The artery formerly known as...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Signs recently went up along our 118 freeway showing its new name:
The Ronald Reagan Freeway.
Ever since then, well, I keep forgetting my exit ramp.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 20:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The light-emitting vegetable diode.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
You will recall the DEC WRL technical memo of several months
ago called "Characterization of Organic Illumination Systems."
That work is described at:
http://www.research.digital.com/wrl/techreports/html/TN-13/
due to budgetary constraints, the DEC WRL research team was
constrained to running just a few experiments on just a few
foods.
Fortunately, DEC's semiconductor engineering group has carried
out further experiments, and has discovered that at 140V RMS,
kim-chi acts as a rectifier.
Research results are summarized, along with a scope trace and
a snapshot of the test apparatus, at:
http://www.iii.net/users/mhr/levd-page.html
The work at DEC, along with that described at:
http://www.rice.edu/~gouge/twinkies.html
Are producing a substantial body of literature on the electrical
properties of stuff you eat. We can only hope that the web
continues to encourage collaboration and to advance the state
of human knowledge.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Software Development Process
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>
THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS
1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software
(Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that
the software meets the specifications.)
7. Ship
8. Test
(The customers are a big help here.)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10. Announce the upgrade program
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The tragedy of Canada
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: shetterl@maroon.tc.umn.edu (Will Shetterly)
...
Everyone has heard that the tragedy of Canada is that they had the
opportunity to have French cuisine, British culture, and American
technology, and they ended up with British cuisine, American culture,
and French technology?
I love jokes that slam everyone.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 14:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Those whacky science reporters.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
From: masson@convex.convex.com (Bob Masson)
From the _Boulder Daily Camera_ announcing Storage Tek's new Kodiak
disk storage system:
The product is estimated to have a capacity of more than
one terabyte. A terabyte of data, for example, if
stretched into a straight line, would circle the Earth
56 times and cover about 1.4 million miles."
I figure, then, that a byte must be on the order of .0887 inches (.225mm).
I wonder if they are variable length depending upon the number of 1's & 0's?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 95 12:56:02 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Thousands of uses (plus 2)
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: FringeWare Daily <email@fringeware.com>
Sent from: bkelly@eps.agfa.be (Brian Kelly)
At a March conference, a University of Pennsylvania
radiologist told colleagues he had successfully sterilized all 17
rabbits in his experiment by squirting a substance similar to Super
Glue into their fallopian tubes and said he would seek FDA
approval to test his procedure on women. And in May, Pacer
Technologies announced it was seeking FDA and Department of
Agriculture approval for using a variant of its Super Glue to
prevent salmonella contamination by sealing the rectums of
chickens and turkeys. The product would be known as Rectite.
[New Haven Register-AP, 3-29-95] [Inland Valley Daily Bulletin
(Ontario, Calif.), 5-16-95]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ObSPOOK: nuclear smuggle Manhattan Project magic bullet PLO
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 11:35:08 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: cavasin@convex.com (Vince Cavasin)
Forwarded-by: schroedr@convex.com (Mark Schroeder)
From: joelw@convex.com (Joel Williamson)
Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion...
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
stop.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 12:00:04 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Top Reasons To Buy Win 95
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
[Fun_People is REALLY saving you time today! We've removed the three least
funny Reasons (8, 6, & 2) and only added these two sentences... -psl]
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: Patrick Grote <4point@crl.com>
Mercilessly-excerpted-from: CompuNotes, Issue #21, 9/26/95
Patrick Grote, Publisher and Editor
Below are the "Top 10 Reasons To Buy Windows 95" as delivered by
Guy Kawasaki during David Nagel's keynote address at Macworld Boston
last Tuesday.
10) Do you know how much it costs to furnish a 35,000 square foot house?
9) You always wanted Microsoft to maintain a database of your hard drive.
7) Fewer Mac sales will mean you can get the 8100 you ordered 7 months ago.
5) You want to plug and plug and plug. (You don't mind waiting for the play?)
4) Your mom is a Mercedes dealer in Seattle.
3) The Internet is too full of information, so you'd like Bill Gates to
decide what you should see.
1) Bob '95
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 01:06:05 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Tough to get a conviction in some parts...
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com
From: Michael_Stadler@tpl-sf.ccmail.compuserve.com
A couple months back there was a trial in the West Virginia courts. A man
was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's still illegal
there an' all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking
along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor
asked the witness what he saw:
"Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And
then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."
"And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. Then,
afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"
Just then one of the jurors leaned over to the jury member next to him and
said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 1995 12:30:59 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Warning: Your means of transportation may explode.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
Cringely Connection
September 25, 1995
Not our problem
-- By Al Cringely
...Wal-Mart...
...the kind of place where you can always return what you've bought because,
dammit, this is the land of the free and home of the brave and the customer
is always right. Or at least so it seemed up 'til now...
A sharp eyed reader spotted this handwritten sign at a Wal-Mart in Arizona:
'All Windows 95 sales are final. If you have problems you need to contact
Microsoft.'
A disclaimer over a product bin at Wal-Mart is roughly equivalent to
having printed 'Warning: Your means of transportation may explode' on all
Hindenberg boarding passes. There's something so scary about the basic
premise of Wal-Mart not taking a return (and therefore the implied
shoddiness of the product in question) that there's absolutely no way I
could ever force myself to buy it... "
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 95 20:14:34 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: WhiteBoardness 9/22/95
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Excerpted-from: WhiteBoard News for September 22, 1995
"Country and western ... When they were carting Buddy Rich into
the hospital, the doctor leaned over and asked if he was allergic
to anything and he said, 'Yeah, country and western.'"
-- Rocker David Bowie, on what type of music he avoids.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 1995 11:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who's Who
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Laura Mancuso <Lmancus@aol.com>
Who's Who, according to some journalism students at ASU.
Alzheimer's Imported beer
Yasir Arafat Israeli leader
Count Basie Vampire
Charles Bronson Convicted California killer
Fidel Castro Palestinian leader (wife buys lots of shoes)
Tom Clancy White House spokesman
Jesse Jackson Leader of Moral Majority
NOW Nation of Women
Sandra Day O'Connor Actress on "LA Law"
OSHA Killer whale at Sea World
-- Newsweek Magazine
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who, indeed?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From a list, on the Web, of *Man from U.N.C.L.E* fanzines:
EYES ONLY: U.N.C.L.E. FOR A.D.U.L.T.S. #4
Editor, Lisa Brazdil
(anthology, gen)
Reviewed by Ellen Druda:
This little zine is a lot of fun. A refreshing switch from our
usual dearly beloved angsty drama novella, EYES ONLY has the
advantages of a respected editor, a universally popular theme,
and our favorite genre writers exploring U.N.C.L.E. in a unique
way. This zine is about sex. Hot, heavy sex. Sex performed
the way the (mostly female) readership would like it to be done.
Romantic sex. Funny sex. Emotionally engaging sex. Kinky sex.
Anything but humdrum sex. Who could resist?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 16:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, that would provide some bright spots.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
This guy sitting in the plane notices that his seatmate appears
despondent and is staring glumly out the window. He asks him
what's the matter. The man replies that he's "traveling to Miami",
and continues staring out the window.
"Well," he replies, "that's no reason to be unhappy -- Miami's
a great town!"
"No, no, you don't understand," the man continues. "I just
hate Miami. There's rioting, looting, crime in the streets, the
entire place is dirty, the food's awful. I just hate it!"
"I guess," replies his companion, "but I still don't get it.
I work in Miami, I live in Miami, and I love it there!"
"Yeah? So what's this great job you have?"
"Tail gunner on a Wonderbread delivery truck."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You goddamn French and your constant testing.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel Carosone <dan@anarres.mame.mu.oz.au>
Forwarded-by: Richard Todd <rmtodd@servalan.servalan.com>
Found on the Firewalls mailing list, in response to someone posting
a test message.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: Nick Simicich <njs@scifi.maid.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 10:05:13 -29900
Subject: Re: test, don't read
On Wed, 20 Sep 1995, Jean-Denis Gorin wrote:
> test
>
You goddamn French and your constant testing. You think that
it won't affect the environment but I'm sure it does. I guess
we need a Greenpeace for the net.
Why don't you join the rest of the civilized world and sign the
treaty that prohibits testing on public mailing lists? At least
keep your testing underground.
>
> Jean-Denis Gorin
>
> jean@julia.icdc.fr | Informatique CDC
> | DABFI FMT
> Tel : +33 (1) 40 49 83 90 | 56, rue de Lille
> Fax : +33 (1) 40 49 76 44 | 75 007 PARIS
> | FRANCE
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Sep 95 22:51 BST-1
From: nikb@cix.compulink.co.uk (Nick Barron)
Subject: yucks
To: spaf
With the current trend of putting every conceivable device on the 'net, the
following (from New Scientist #1997) fills me with dread:
"Anyone engaged in espionage in Israel would be well advised not to swallow
any incriminating evidence. The Ministry of Defence in haifa is in the
process of patenting a video camera for use inside the body.
Suspects will be asked to swallow a capsule containing a complete video
camera, lamp and low-power transmitter ... After swallowing the camera, the
subject must lie down, with a mat of TV aerials around their waist".
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------