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Yucks Digest V5 #12 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 21 Apr 95 Volume 5 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
... a 64 K-processor CM5 (Signature Line of the Day)
[yucks] Have funds, need clue
Another reason to be careful what you ask for.
Any people we could argue should be considered bulk items?
At least they didn't name it the Poodle & Trouser Leg.
Belated happy birthday
Could you repeat the question?
Don't f---ing worry about it.
Expecting a crowd for dinner?
From the aescetic to the sybaritic
FW: Texas Bar Journal
Government intervention??
Hot-Wiring Humans To A Computer May Become Reality
How can you tell?
If you are interested in recognition as an orange grower ...
Interesting Statistics
JOTD
Lengthy Court Battle Expected as Microsoft Sues Itself
Lock Of King Charles I's Hair Sells For $6,426
Microsoft Unveils New Software
Night of the Web-Surfing Dead
QOTD (2 msgs)
seen in alt.tasteless
ShopTalk for Tuesday April 4, 95
ShopTalk for Wednesday April 12, 1995
Signature quotes of the day
The /bin/true awards.
the 15 (crash!) ... er ... 10 commandments
These people clearly have too much free time on their...uh, too much free time.
Time communications
Urban survival tips.
YUCKS? ;)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... a 64 K-processor CM5 (Signature Line of the Day)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Darin Johnson
djohnson@ucsd.edu
"Here was a man who knew what to do with 2000 pounds of ammonium
nitrate, fuel oil, a 64 K-processor CM5 and a few blasting caps."
[But not in Oklahoma City, I hope... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 22:03:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: [yucks] Have funds, need clue
To: spaf
Forwarded message:
> Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 09:47:53 -0400
> From: [clueless newbie's name mercifully deleted]
> To: Multiple recipients of list <eastlib@gibbs.oit.unc.edu>
> Subject: Subscription to Eastlib
>
> Dear Sir / Madam,
>
> Please send me details of how to subscribe to Eastlib, including the
> number of your bank account and the address of your bank.
>
> Looking forward to hearing from you.
>
> Yours faithfully,
>
> [name deleted again -- well, let's call him "Chris"]
(Sure, Chris, just email your credit card number and
I'll take care of the rest...)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Another reason to be careful what you ask for.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Golan Klinger <falco@io.org>
At a press conference for the Columbus Zoo, Newt Gingrich told
reporters, "I wanted to be a Zoo keeper when I was a kid."
In his current position as Speaker of the House, it would appear
that he got his wish.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 12:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Any people we could argue should be considered bulk items?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: Olsen <dko@cs.wisc.edu>
Recently in alt.folklore.computers
I heard this story from someone who worked for a French company, they had
a problem with a program on punched cards written for them by a US
subsidiary. The programs never worked when loaded in France but the US
systems house swore blind that they did at their end. Eventually, in
exasperation, someone followed the working set of cards from the US to
France. At French customs, they observed a customs official remove a few
cards at random from the deck. Apparently, the french customs are
entitled to remove a sample from any bulk item (such as grain), so a few
cards from a large consignment shouldn't matter, should it?
[Later posts by Joe Morris and Tom Rauschenback confirmed the story.
Mr. Moris said that the company was Oak Ridge National Labs, and the
cards contained unclassified data. Mr. Rauschenback said that the
story originally came from him.]
-- Roger MacNicol (uvmark!roger@merk.com)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 16:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: At least they didn't name it the Poodle & Trouser Leg.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dagwood Splits the Atom <hsu@Pix.COM>
From Volume 3 Issue 4 of "The Bricksletter", the beer newsletter
of the Brickskeller bar and grill in Washington DC:
Across the Pond
... CAMRA fights brewery and pub closings in the United Kingdom. They
also campaign against modernization that robs England of its appeal for
natives and tourists alike. From their March newsletter: "Brewing Giant
Scottish & Newcastle has underlined its commitment to defending the
dignity and authenticity of Britain's historic pubs by renaming Cardiff
landmark the Philharmonic as the Ferret & Trouser Leg. [It] will be
the first of a national chain of Ferret & Trouser Legs."
Also: "the Magic Pub Company is to reinvent the historic Twelve Bells
in Trowbridge, Wiltshire, as the Pickled Newt." We'll let that one go
without comment.
At least they didn't name it the Poodle & Trouser Leg.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 95 16:49:42 EDT
From: pitts%bucket@gte.com
Subject: Belated happy birthday
To: spaf@purdue.edu
I kept on remembering and forgetting, you know? To make up for that here's
a story that can to me one day at lunch:
One day an elderly physician at a distinguished medical school was
holding court amidst a circle of students on the school lawns,
regaling them with tales of surgical-days-gone-by. The students
listened with a mixture of awe, interest, and disgust to the elder
physician's tales of operating with little in the way of modern
anesthetics and to his descriptions of the less than sanitary
conditions under which these operations took place. An even more aged
colleague of the orating physician was slowly making his way across
the lawn, and, upon hearing his colleagues stories, paused before the
group, heaved a sigh, and said, "Ah, yes, those days of whines and
necrosis!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 95 14:53:31 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Could you repeat the question?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Robert.Reynolds@directory.Reed.EDU (Robert Reynolds)
For a long time I've been bemused by the bumper sticker:
My wife, yes.
My dog, maybe.
My gun, never.
It occurred to me that you might like to ask your gang to come up with
questions for which this could be the answer. My first effort is
"What could outwit you?"
but I have a hunch that there may be some real gems possible.
[Well? Okay, how about "who needs more influence in Congress?" -psl]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 09:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Don't f---ing worry about it.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: <Ninafel@aol.com>
From: an interview in the publication _Winning Strategies_, Winter 1994/5:
Marie (pronounced Maari) Stewart, a CPA at Bankers Trust New York and an
Australian, is the first woman in the 14-year history of the Association of
Chartered Accountants in the U.S.:
It never ceases to amaze me, even after 17 years in this industry,
that sometimes I am still brutally reminded that I am a woman. I
will be at a meeting and there will be 10 men in the room, and
somebody will say, "Well, gentlemen," and then they will stop and
say, "and Marie...". Or somebody will swear and of course they will
immediately turn to you and apologize, which happened just the other
day. Some guy was saying, "f---ing, f---ing, f---ing," about
something or other, when suddenly he blanched and said, "Oh, excuse
me, I apologize." And I said, "Don't f---ing worry about it."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 09:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Expecting a crowd for dinner?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: jbredt@MIT.EDU
Lemon Pie Filling
Isosweet (R) 5500 High Fructose Corn Syrup 18.6 lbs.
Lemon Oil 0.6 lbs.
Yellow #5 (1%) 0.1 lbs.
MIRA-GEL (R) 463 Corn Starch 6.2 lbs.
Citric Acid 0.2 lbs.
Sugar, Granulated 12.4 lbs.
Water, Cold Tap 61.9 lbs.
--------
Total ................................................ 100.0 lbs.
1. Add syrup, coloring and flavor to a clean, dry basin and mix.
2. Hand stir starch and citric acid into syrup to avoid dusting.
Then at low speed, powder mix to a smooth syrup.
3. Continue mixing, and add water, pouring it quickly, into syrup.
Scrape basin sides to insure thorough mixing.
4. Add sugar and complete mixing.
5. Pour into pie shell. Slice and serve in 20-30 minutes.
(Information from Staley Co. product literature)
[Serve as dessert after roast elephant. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Apr 1995 11:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From the aescetic to the sybaritic
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Small <chris@das.harvard.edu>
A clarification from the developer of Resourcerer (of bubble-wrap
stomping fame).
- Chris
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: resorcerer@aol.com
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 21:42:32 -0400
The following recently appeared, courtesy of one of our many amused
customers, in the Internet's rec.humor.funny newsgroup:
>>
Resorcerer (the Macintosh resource editing tool that makes ResEdit look
like chopped liver) now ships with an added bonus: the square foot of
plastic bubble wrap is folded neatly in the box, wrapped around nothing,
and in the 'thank you for choosing our product' letter, the author notes
explicitly that the bubble wrap is included for customers "to stomp on".
(No, you can't help. It's all mine!)
<<
As the author of the product letter in question, I would like to take this
opportunity to flatly and categorically deny that the bubble wrap is
explicitly included for customers to stomp on.
The bubble wrap is only *implicitly* included for customers to stomp on,
and although the letter in question doesn't make clear that the bubble
wrap has other uses besides stomp-upon-ableness (it's a space-unsaving
device), we cannot and will not be held responsible for any and all
childish actions of our customers should they "choose" to stomp on the
bubble wrap "explicitly".
In fact, we strongly advise that all developers avoid buying Resorcerer
if they intend only to stomp on the bubble wrap explicitly, as this is
not a proper or intended use of the product.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Doug "Sent Packing" McKenna
V.P. Bubble Humor
Mathemaesthetics, Inc.
Developers of That which makes ResEdit look like Chopped-Liver
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 09:56:11 -0600
From: anonym@email.only.for.com
Subject: FW: Texas Bar Journal
To: silent-tristero
----------
From: Candi Strecker <strecker@SIRIUS.COM>
To: Luke McGuff (S&T Onsite)
Passed along for your workaday amusement; sent to me by Kathy Biehl of the
Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society Compendium of etc etc etc
This from the current Texas Bar Journal (from a real trial transcript)
The Court: Next witness.
Ms. Olschner: Your honor, at this time, I would like to swat Mr. Buck in
the head with his client's deposition.
The Court: You mean read it?
Ms. Olschner: No sir, I mean swat him in the head with it. Pursuant to Rule
32, I may use this deposition for any purpose, and that is the purpose for
which I want to use it.
The Court: Well, it does say that. (pause) There being no objection, you
may proceed.
Ms. Olschner: Thank you, Judge Hanes. (whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr.
Buck in the head with the deposition.)
Mr. Buck: But, Judge.
The Court: Next witness.
Mr. Buck: We object.
The Court: Sustained. Next witness.
[Now if only more lawyers behaved this way. And used heavier
depositions.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 14:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Government intervention??
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: George Neville-Neil <gnn@abekas.com>
I just came across this on a pot of miniature roses that we bought. The
stake with the name has printed on the bottom, in very small letters:
"Asexual reproduction without a license is strictly prohibited."
Well, we'll try to keep them in line.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 11:55 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Hot-Wiring Humans To A Computer May Become Reality
To: spaf
London (Reuter) - A new breed of "hybrid humans" -- part
human being, part computer -- may be more than just science
fiction, a senior computer scientist said.
Michael Deering, head of research at U.S. computing
company Sun Microsystems in California, told the British
magazine Computing he believed "chip grafting" could create
such hybrid humans.
Prisoners in some Scandinavian jails have volunteered to
take part in research to assess how chip grafting works on
humans. Such "hot-wired" humans could connect their brains to
external computer information sources.
[Like Yucks? Just the thing for prisoners... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Apr 95 18:27:42 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: How can you tell?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Mary Fleischman <fleischm@u.washington.edu>
The Pygmy tribe uses the following terms to describe the progression of
bodily ilnesses:
Stage 1 Hot
Stage 2 Feverish
Stage 3 Dead
Stage 4 Completely Dead
Stage 5 Dead Forever
[Hmm, a few decades ago, Generalissimo Franco was only stage 3? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If you are interested in recognition as an orange grower ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
From: Terry Lambert <terry@cs.weber.edu>
This is perfectly legal under GPL:
[ ... From the GPL covering Linux ... ]
You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a copy, and you
may at your option offer warranty protection in exchange for a fee.
Of course selling a container of orange juice is probably not the only
thing you'd like to be permitted to do with the juice itself; you might
want to mix it with vodka and sell screwdrivers.
GPL on orange juice means I have to give the vodka away if I want to sell
screwdrivers. LGPL on orange juice means I can sell the vodka, but I have
to distribute it in mini-bottles in case the buyer wants to drink the
orange juice for breakfast instead of mixing it with my vodka to make a
screwdriver, or the buyer wants to use better juice than I provided. In
either case, if I use the juice to genetically engineer better oranges,
I have to let other people have the seeds.
UCB on orange juice means I can sell screwdrivers, but I have to state on
the label whose oranges I squeezed them from and I can't use the orange
juice factory as a character reference, because for all they know I could
be watering my vodka. If I use the juice to genetically engineer better
oranges, I can sell the seeds.
If you are interested in recognition as an orange grower, UCB is probably
sufficient. If you want improvements to your oranges to not become
someone elses oranges, you'll probably use LGPL. If you think people will
want your oranges so bad they'll give away vodka to get them, that's GPL.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 95 01:15:56 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Interesting Statistics
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[Either Police magazine has a funny idea of timeliness, or the NYPD has been
hiring psychics again. In any case, it IS interesting... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Ben Norton <norton@halcyon.com>
The following is a table published in the March 1995 issue of Police magazine.
***********************************************************************
"Bulls" Eye
Here's a look at every bullet fired last year by New York City cops, as
reported in the police department's 1993 Firearms Discharge Assault Report:
TARGETS SHOTS FIRED HITS
At perpetrators 928 173
At dogs 155 111
Accidental discharges 43 17
To protect other officer 18 10
Police officer intoxicated 10 0
Suicide 8 8
Into locker 6 0
At vehicle 5 0
At girlfriend 3 3
Attempting suicide 3 2
Threatening suicide 1 0
At wife 1 1
At beer can 1 0
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 18:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: graham@visionware.co.uk (Graham Porter)
So it seems that the seven dwarves are off working one day, when
Snow White hears this tremendous explosion in the distance.
She runs to the mine, and, as she arrives, panting, she hears
a tiny, squeaky voice crying, "Windows is the operating system
of the future!"
"Thank God," she gasps. "Dopey's still alive!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 00:03:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Lengthy Court Battle Expected as Microsoft Sues Itself
To: spaf
Lengthy Court Battles Expected as Microsoft Sues Itself
Litigation Will Give Competitors Time to "Reload," Attorneys Say
The inevitable finally took place this week as Microsoft, distracted
by product development activities, took the dramatic step of filing
suit against itself in Federal District Court.
"We've noticed a significant drop in the number of lawsuits filed
against the company in recent weeks, and it has us concerned," said
Very Senior Corporate Attorney Drew Blank. The recent conclusion of
several high-profile cases, including the long-running Apple copyright
infringement case in the U.S. Supreme Court, reflect the failure of
Microsoft's competitors to sustain lawsuits. "This is becoming the
prime arena for our competitors to attempt to gain market share, and
we can't let it languish," Blank said.
In response, Blank and other legal eagles have been working non-stop
this week--filing lawsuits and then passionately responding to
them. "We're alleging that the company's legal tactics are patently
unfair, and we're defending ourselves vigorously," Blank said. Among
other allegations, "Microsoft has been using its intellectual property
to develop products, which the company then turns around and markets
and sells," said Blank. "There must be some basis for litigation in
this process, and we're determined to pursue it."
Blank said his staff would also instigate action to establish an
internal separation between Microsoft's food service and janitorial
businesses, force the company to disclose key power system information
to competitive electric providers, and bar Microsoft from hurting
competitors by marketing high-quality products--a practice known as
"software"--far in advance their own products. The idea for the new
approach came from contract attorney Sidney Sprockett, a former judge
known in legal circles as a maverick. Noted for his penchant for
subverting commonly accepted legal practices--and consequently pumping
huge sums of cash into fellow attorneys' pockets--Sprockett reportedly
hatched the new legal scheme after reading a copy of
Dorling-Kindersley's How Computers Work during trips to the barber.
As the flurry of litigation left corporate attorneys literally running
into each other in the halls of Building 8 in a rush to file
countersuits and respond to each other's subpoenas, Blank said the
regrettable tactic was the company's only real option.
"Unfortunately, it may be a while before our competitors have new turf
to sink their teeth into legally, so this should buy them some time,"
said Blank. "Of course, they can always challenge us in the
marketplace, but we can't count on that."
Copied from MicroNews, Copyright 1995 Microsoft Corporation
[ This is from the April 1 edition of the Microsoft company newletter.
I guess even they can't resist churning out fake MS press releases. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 95 11:57 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Lock Of King Charles I's Hair Sells For $6,426
To: spaf
London (Reuter) - A lock of hair from King Charles I that
was expected to fetch 500 Sterling ($803) sold for almost
eight times as much on Thursday, Bonhams auction house said.
American collector John Reznikoff, bidding by telephone,
paid nearly 4,000 Sterling ($6,426).
He also paid 1,265 Sterling ($2,032) for a snip of Henry
IV's beard and 345 Sterling ($554) for a curl from Napoleon
Bonaparte's head.
The purchases will form part of his private hair
collection, thought to be the largest in the world.
[Hmm, I wonder how much for some of my beard? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 95 12:48:12 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Microsoft Unveils New Software
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <esc@ulysses.att.com>
"MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
by Andrew Burke
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release
of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up
a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest
of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys
4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen
people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right
for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a
garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library
in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's
hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have
software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses
between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the
click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks
like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says,
pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck.
Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their
monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video
games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to
a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go
America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
Apple declined to comment."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 16:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Night of the Web-Surfing Dead
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From the latest *What's New With NCSA Mosaic* - as Dave Barry would say,
"I am not making this up":
Stockholm Cemetery Administration
Statskonsult (part of SEMA Group), Solna, Sweden
The largest cemetery administration in Sweden with five municipal
cemeteries. Woodland Cemetery to the south of Stockholm is now a
UNESCO World Heritage site.
http://www.sema.se/kgf.html
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 14:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H.
Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that
the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of
consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos.
Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were
made by other flamingos.
-- William E. Geist, The New York Times
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And
corn flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard
Bernstein and living bras are incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult,
probing, meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every
twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 13:06:34 +0100 (BST)
From: "Trevor Kirby" <Trevor.Kirby@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: seen in alt.tasteless
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: rik@kona.con.mci.com (Rik Gugeler)
The following is just one of the delightful stories to be found in _Fenton &
Fowler's Best, Worst, and Most Unusual_ by (oddly enough) Bruce Felton and
Mark Fowler, (c) 1975:
In 1971, Hans and Erna W., a Swiss couple vacationing in Hong Kong, stopped
to eat at a Chinese restaurant there and asked the head waiter to take their
pet poodle, Rosa, into the kitchen and find it something to eat. The waiter
misunderstood their request, however, and the couple was aghast when Rosa
was brought to the table done to a turn in a round-bottomed frying pan,
marinated in sweet-and-sour sauce, and garnished with Chinese vegetables.
It's hard to find such personalized service, anymore.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 03:32:05 -0400
From: (null)
Subject: ShopTalk for Tuesday April 4, 95
To: Multiple recipients of list SHOPTALK <SHOPTALK@SUVM.SYR.EDU>
DON FITZPATRICK ASSOCIATES' "ShopTalk"
In The News: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on wolves released in Yellowstone:
"Scientists accurately predicted behavior patterns. Three already set up law
practices."
Kaseberg, on daylight savings time: "Folks throughout the country set their
clocks ahead an hour, except in Mississippi, where last month slavery was
just made illegal. They set their clocks ahead 130 years."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 18:05:34 -0700
From: Don Fitzpatrick <dfitzpat@interserv.com>
Subject: ShopTalk for Wednesday April 12, 1995
To: Multiple recipients of list SHOPTALK <SHOPTALK@SUVM.SYR.EDU>
DON FITZPATRICK ASSOCIATES'
"SHOPTALK"
In The News: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on The Newt's speech: "He said
the first 100 days were marked by meannes, violent argument, threats and
a complete lack of ethics. No one knows why he decided to discuss the
Simpson trial."
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on "The Contract With America": "Rich
people's problems got fixed; the poor got newtered."
Jay Leno, on President Clinton saying that the nation is at a
crossroads: "Doesn't it feel more like we are stalled at railroad
crossing, and the lights are coming down and a train is coming.
Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on boxer Mike Tyson still working with promoter
Don King: "One thing for sure: Jail didn't make Mike any smarter."
o o o
That's Entertainment? Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the bomb scare
at the "Regis and Kathie Lee show: "The show's producer says he hasn't
seen that kind of panic and fear since Kathie Lee's duet with Yoko Ono."
Adds comedy writer Gary Easley: "When Regis and Kathie Lee are
interviewing three models, aren't the words 'bomb threat' redundant?"
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on 54-year-old Nancy Sinatra posing nude
for Playboy: "I guess not aging gracefully is an inherited trait."
"Jeanette Harris, the O.J. Simpson juror released last week, has been
subpoenaed to appear before Judge Ito in private chambers today. After her
dismissal last week she did a TV interview in which she predicted a hung
jury and accused sheriff's deputies of promoting racial tensions among
jurors. [Man, that's the adult equivalent of a trip to the principals
office... only with CNN supplying commentary.]" (InterPrep(tm)
Top Five Things Not To Say If Called In For An Audit:
- Are those the file cabinets where you keep all the arms and legs?
- I understand the REST of your family is human.
- Do you take checks, credit cards, or cash under the table?
- If you don't believe my deductions, you shoulda seen LAST year's!
- Everything should be in order. My aunt Leona Helmsley helped me prepare
my returns. (InterPrep(tm)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 10:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature quotes of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
"Larry Wall should be shot. Along with Bill Joy and Eric Allman."
-- Daniel Finster, comp.lang.lisp
"Why, just because you guys frittered away a 20-year headstart?"
-- Larry Wall, comp.lang.perl
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 22:13:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: The /bin/true awards.
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
From: Ben Herman <b-herman@uchicago.edu> (Greyshadow)
> My favorite has got to be /bin/true on many systems. On most systems this
> is just an empty file, the size of the file is a good indication of the
> pinheadedness of the corporate legal department.
Dear Peter,
Thank you for this most informative message....You see I copyrighted
my empty files as far back as 1979... admittedly these empty files were for
BASIC and Assembly programs I hadn't started writing yet and for Forth, APL
and Pascal programs which I hoped to someday write... but I do not think
this will weaken my case. I do not believe that simply changing the name of
my code to /bin/true and adding their own copyright to the code will help
them in court. These major corporations have stepped on us little guys too
long and should not be able to get away with such abuse. First my poor
brother had to change his name from Bob, which took him 25 years to get
used to, to Elmer and now this. We Have had enough. We are determined to
have our day in court. Unfortunately, I have been unable to raise enough
money for the legal fees, so if you would like to help out please send
money, cookies, or a female legal staff to:
SUE THE BASTARDS
666 Burn'em Rd
Hell, Va 10666-6661
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 23:03:33 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: the 15 (crash!) ... er ... 10 commandments
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[I saw the Ten Commandments on TV last night (well I saw half of it, intercut
with The Sound of Music on another network) and I particularly liked the part
where the Nazis get drowned in the Red Sea and Charlton Heston sings Edelweiss
to Yul Brynner. If only they'd found parts for the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band ,,,
(Imperial Records LP-12370) Anyway, the showing of that movie probably
inspired the following... -psl]
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-By: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
Forwarded-By: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>
It seems that Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going
terrible: the Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are
mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc.
He's about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above:
"YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE. IF THE
PHAROAH REFUSES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL SMITE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF
FROGS.
YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND.
IF THE PHAROAH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL SMITE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF
LOCUSTS.
YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY. IF THE
PHAROAH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN
YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND."
Moses is stunned. "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it!" he
stammers, "but what's the bad news?"
YOU, MOSES, WILL WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 07:07:59 PDT
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: These people clearly have too much free time on their...uh, too much free time.
To: spaf
I know you'll see this (have probably seen it already) but the title above came
to me in a flash and I had to gift you with it...
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 95 05:05:06 -0800
From: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Subject: For that hard-to-buy-for person.
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: rossen@lmis.loral.com (Tom Rossen)
Forwarded-by: Chang, George on Tue, Apr 11, 1995 11:08 AM
Forwarded-by: Tulyayon, A on Tue, Apr 11, 1995 10:54 AM
SWEATY SHORTS
TOKYO (AP) -- For men who can't seem to attract women despite the right
aftershave, flowers or cologne, Japanese scientists have developed a new
weapon for the olfactory arsenal: underpants laced with sweat. Well,
synthesized sweat, anyway. Millions of tiny capsules in the fabric contain
a synthesized pheromone found in the sweat of a man's underarms. Friction
causes the capsules to break, releasing the scent. Apparel and cosmetics
maker Kanebo expects to put the shorts on sale by next spring.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 20:02:00 -0500
From: russ.wuertz@spacecoast-bbs.com (RUSS WUERTZ)
Subject: Time communications
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
I see them communicating through time on TV. I called NBC and they
wouldn't tell me how they do that and wiretap peoples thoughts as they
sit and watch TV. Radio does it too. They asked me if I want to buy
the information.
I get insults about how I don't do the subject jusdice! Well... I
am a copier repairman and have a E-2 Electrical license... and almost an
A.S. in electronics but I major in machine control and like digital
also.
When I go to school for electronics... I have my thoughts robbed by
students who laugh and think its funny and repeat my thoughts.
I get flames from posting here telling me that they have a
Electronics Engineering Degree, and they are a HAM operator and I
butcher the subject.
SO>>> tell me how do you rob thoughts and then broadcast them
though time and injure people in that manner.
Tell me before I die... ok?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 17:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Urban survival tips.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: frew@icess.ucsb.edu (Jim Frew)
From: "Moran, Chris" <cmoran@haley.genetics.bio-rad.com>
Someone decided that it would be a good idea to park their Ford Escort
with a "For Sale" sign in front of my house. I put up with this for
three days or so, as I couldn't locate the owner among my immediate
neighbors. I was getting sick of looking at it, so late Friday night I
had an inspiration.
I went out to the garage and got a big ol' yellow tire crayon, with
which I wrote on the back window "MPD (as in Martinez Police Department)
328300 (official-sounding random six digit number) 3-7-95". I then
marked the position of the tires with yellow marks pointing down at the
pavement. Sure enough, next morning the owners came to claim their
vehicle, fearing it would be towed as abandoned! File in your bag of
tricks...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 07:34:33 -0400
From: "J." <bowyer@hightop.nrl.navy.mil>
Subject: YUCKS? ;)
To: spaf
> From: Corey A Lindsly <clindsly@sas.upenn.edu>
>
>
> a defense attorney asked the chief criminologist (the person
> responsible for the collection and/or fabrication of evidence)
> if he knew what a 'microlitre' was. after a very long pause
> (during which one could picture hamsters inside his head
> running furiously on a wheel) he replied: "It is 1 to the
> power of -6, litres."
>
> well, recalling my math, 1^-6 = 1/1^6 = 1/1 = 1
>
> which, of course, is off by a factor of one million. no
> doubt this is an acceptable margin of error for the Los
> Angeles Police Department.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------