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Yucks Digest V5 #5 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 19 Feb 95 Volume 5 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
... and, worst of all, condemned to make very bad hat choices.
... conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt
4.2 GIG on a floppy! 2000:1 compression
[forsythe@Onramp.NET: Now Television is even less relavant...]
and then probably in a foreign country...
An Unfortunate Transliteration of Name
a yuck?
Behold ye, and despair!
Biz jets and AAM was Re: Stingers and 747s
Cabbage Regulations
cinema employment prescreening
Circue du O.J.
Engage!
eye-yam-a-sigh-burr-net-tick-or-gun-is-ummm
Good Point.
Helpful comment of the day
I don't want to take the chance, shoot me now.
I Got You, Babe
Law and the Death of the Sun
My baby's got my 486.
my nomination for quote of the day
People with too much time on their hands
QOTD (3 msgs)
Quote of the day
ShopTalk For Monday February 6, 1995
Solaris is a trademark of Monsanto
sunflash amusement
Support the Gingrich-Elders Plan
That's $450 a sip to you, fella.
The devil made me do it.
The language of AI
TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE
TOP TEN THINGS DAN RATHER WOULD NEVER SAY ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS
two gems from the paper...
UW-Madison
What rhymes with itch?
yet another from the national news...
yucks submission
Zamboni headlights
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 09:19:00 -0459
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and, worst of all, condemned to make very bad hat choices.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
"...it also occurred to me that my version of a happy life was Frank
Capra's vision of a tragic hell. When he wrote It's a Wonderful Life
and was inventing the worst possible fate for the Donna Reed character
in the event that the Jimmy Stewart character had never been born, he
showed her looking well-groomed and fit, in a smart little two-piece
suit, headed home after a long day of work. The first time I saw this,
I thought to myself, "Hmm. Interesting. Apparently Mary did okay all
by herself." That was before I realized that Frank Capra was forcing
her to wear a slightly dorky-looking hat in order to warn us that he
felt something was terribly wrong with this picture. And seconds later,
a horror music sting accompanying the narrative clearly indicates how
Frank Capra regarded the destiny he assigned her.
"`What became of Mary?' Jimmy Stewart asks the angel.
"`She never married,' replies the angel, his voice quaking with emotion
as though he were about to reveal that she'd been beaten to death with a
rake. `There she is now. She's closing up the library!!' Frank
Capra's vision of a woman with no reason to live: all dressed up in a
suit, on her way home to an empty house, and, worst of all, condemned to
make very bad hat choices. Wow. Talk about a waking nightmare. Here I
thought my life was okay and whoops, silly me...turns out I'm actually a
resident of hell."
--Merrill Markoe, How to Be Hap-Hap-Happy Like Me
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 11:47:32 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
From: WhiteBoard News for February 10, 1995
This item comes by way of S. Spencer Sun:
Stockholm, Sweden:
It was the minks, they think.
Defense Ministry analysts say many of the signals
detected by the Swedish Navy's high-tech buoys -- and
thought to be foreign submarines -- were just the
sounds of swimming minks.
The report, coming after the military conceded that an
animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea
last spring, was published in the Dagens Nyheter
newspaper recently.
It said most of the suspicious sounds heard in the
islands around Stockholm since the end of the Cold War
were minks and other mammals. But the military insists
the minks do not account for all the noises.
For nearly 15 years, the military has tracked evidence
of intrusions, saying Soviet or other submarines were
in Swedish waters.
The effort started when a Soviet submarine ran aground
outside a naval base in 1981. The Navy, which noticed
the sub only after it was stranded, was determined not
to be embarrassed again.
In another incident, the Navy detonated depth charges
against a suspected intruder that turned out to be a
rock.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 14:48:18 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: 4.2 GIG on a floppy! 2000:1 compression
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: aldous@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Matthew David ALDOUS)
In comp.compression you write:
I just got done formatting a floppy disk with MS-DOS 6.2. After formatting,
the following appeared on my screen:
1,457,664 bytes total disk space
198,656 bytes used by system
4,294,805,504 bytes in bad sectors
1,420,800 bytes available on disk
I knew that MS-DOS 6.2 had data compression technology, but I had no idea
that it had advanced to the point of being able to have 4.2 gigabytes on
one single floppy diskette! Assuming an uncompressed disk has 1,457,664
bytes, this yields an approximate compression ratio of 2946:1! Take that,
Stacker!
Now, if only those 4 billion bytes were _good_ sectors instead of bad sectors.
Maybe the next version of DoubleSpace will fix this minor bug.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 20:43:01 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: [forsythe@Onramp.NET: Now Television is even less relavant...]
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 30 Jan 95 23:14:20 -0600
From: forsythe@Onramp.NET
To: "The Great Eniac"
Subject: Now Television is even less relavant...
"If you have the TV Guide, you don't need a TV."
-- Granpa from "The Lost Boys"
Now you can follow the exciting world of good ol' broadcast TV without
having to suffer through it:
http://tvnet.com/TVnet.html
Reviews, ratings, listings... so much information, that within minutes
you'll have enough knowledge to answer your co-workers when they ask
probing questions like,"Did you see Wings last night? Wasn't it
funny?" Instead of saying,"Sorry, dork, I don't watch that SHIT,"
like you usually do, you'll pleasantly quip,"Do you mean the showing
on NBC where Helen tries to disaude Roy's Russian mail order bride
from marriage, or the earlier showing on USA where Brian goes out
with a cop?" Instead of hurling hot coffee at you, like they
usually do, your co-workers will collapse in a state of nirvana-like
bliss upon meeting someone who know EVEN MORE about TV (particularly,
Wings) than they do.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 11:44:27 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: and then probably in a foreign country...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: INNOVATION 2/6/95
ELECTRIC CIGARETTES
A review of U.S. patent filings recently revealed one granted to Philip
Morris for a battery-powered, microchip-controlled, pressure-sensitive
cigarette -- a response to the debate currently raging over second-hand
smoke. By pressing the lips against the tip, the would-be "smoker" receives
a burst of tobacco gases, straight into the mouth, leaving the surrounding
atmosphere unsullied. A series of dots or a line along the side of the
cigarette changes color as it's "smoked," indicating when the cigarette is
finished. Insiders say the device won't be tested for at least two years,
and then probably in a foreign country. (Wall Street Journal 2/6/95 A1)
[...tested at arm's length by carefully trained experts. I can just imagine
some of the problems with getting a burst of tobacco gasses under microchip
control. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 09:03:05 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: An Unfortunate Transliteration of Name
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: Sunflash 2/9/95
74.14: Grupo Industrial Bimbo Chooses Sun
Largest Commercial Client-Server Network In Mexico
Grupo Industrial Bimbo, the giant Mexican baked goods
manufacturer, has chosen Sun Microsystems Computer
Company, as its technology partner to reengineer and
support its computing environment. The contract involves
the purchase of more than 500 Sun(R) SPARCstation(TM)
and SPARCserver(TM) computers. When completed, the
project is expected to be the largest enterprise-wide
client-server network for a commercial company in Mexico.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 23:02:04 -0800 (PST)
From: "Bret A. Marquis" <bam@Bang.COM>
Subject: a yuck?
To: spaf
Hygiene,
I called an MCI operator to find the Country Code for Cuba today.
They informed me after a longish search that they had no listing for the
country under 'Q'.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 17:25:50 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Behold ye, and despair!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-by: muddy@clark.net (Gregor Markowitz)
Forwarded-by: William E. LeClere <leek@uujobs.com>
Subject: ZIMA IS PATENTED! END OF WORLD DRAWS NIGH! FILM AT 11.
ALERT ALERT ALERT
Yes, sports fans, ZIMA, the drink of the antichrist, has been patented.
The patent number is 5,294,450 and it issued in March 1994. I am not
making this up. I found the evil document while doing a patentability
search in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. The abstract is excerpted
below. It is assigned to the COORS BREWING COMPANY and no, there aren't
any pictures of culturally diverse X'ers pouring the vile crap into the
helpless mouth of a dead fish.
Behold, ye, and despair!
ABSTRACT
A colorless malt beverage product. To produce the product, malt and
water are combined in a mash. An enzyme is preferably added to convert
non-fermentable sugars to fermentable sugars. The mash is heated, and
liquid extracted therefrom. The liquid is combined with a fermentable
carbohydrate to yield a mixture which is boiled and combined with yeast.
The resulting yeast-fermented product is decolorized to produce a
clear/colorless base which is combined with a sweetener, tartaric acid,
a buffer, and a flavoring agent, followed by carbonation until the
product is about 0.48-0.57% by weight CO.sub.2. The completed product is
clear/colorless, has an alcohol : real extract weight % ratio of 1 : 0.4
to 1 : 1.5, and has 8-15 calories/ounce. These parameters minimize
consumer sensations of fullness and excess tartness/sweetness/astringency,
while producing desirable taste characteristics and an attractive
appearance.
OHGODOHGODOHGOD
"Pray for us now and at the moment of our deaths"
[Does this mean you don't like it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 09:32:52 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Biz jets and AAM was Re: Stingers and 747s
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
In sci.military article vaxb.phx1.aro.allied.com!b17864 wrote:
>
>The aircraft in question was a BAe125 which was carrying the Botswanan
>President. The aircraft was intercepted by an Angolan MiG-21 which fired two
>missles (I believe they were AA-2). The first missle hit the starboard engine
>and failed to explode, but the impact tore the engine clear off the pylon.
>The second missle locked in on the departing engine and blew it to bits in
>front of the aircraft.
>
>Appartently the crew and passengers were unaware of the interception and
>reported the incident as a "very" catastrophic engine failure. It
>wasn't until the remains of the engine were found with an unexploded missle
>stuck in the turbine that the truth came out. (I suppose the Angolans were
>going to keep their mouth shut and hope no one found out :=3D) )
>
>I used to use a photo of the airplane showing the fan frame and a few bits of
>the gearbox hanging off the pylon in a presentation on Low Observables
>Technology as a tongue in cheek example that even a business jet could benefit
>from a reduced IR signature.
["Honest -- we thought you were our own president!" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 15:40:18 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Cabbage Regulations
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cavasin@bach.convex.com (Vince Cavasin)
Forwarded-by: turf@gelac.lasc.lockheed.com (Brian McInturff)
> From the Oct 24 issue of the National Review as posted to
> the UGA humor list:
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286
words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence,
but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911
words.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 03 Feb 1995 15:16:59 EST
From: andyk@e-mail.com
Subject: cinema employment prescreening
To: spaf
Marquee at a local theatre:
+---------------------------------------+
| G O L F M I L L C I N E M A +
+---------------------------------------+
| - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
| 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
| - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
+---------------------------------------+
| - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
| 2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
| - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
+---------------------------------------+
| D U M B |
| 3 and NOW |
| D U M B E R HIRING |
+---------------------------------------+
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 08:43:28 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Circue du O.J.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
ShopTalk For Monday February 6, 1995
Circue du O.J.: "The Fox O.J. movie wasn't very up-to-
date. It portrayed him as saying he was inside the house
sleeping when the crime was committed. Right. Where have
they been? That was two alibis ago." (Jay Leno).
"In light of the damaging testimony given by Ron Shipp,
Simpson's `Dream Team' attorney's demanded that the court
refer to them as the 'Dream Interpretation Team,'"
(Stephen Sacks)
"They're re-releasing O.J.'s last movie and renaming it:
`Naked Gun 33 1/3 to Life." (Thom Sharp)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 10:46:15 -0600 (CST)
From: kinyon@next3.corp.mot.com (John J. Kinyon)
Subject: Engage!
To: Wolfson-rp00930@email.mot.com (wolfson), spaf (spaf)
___ "Engage."
___....-----'---`-----....___
========================================= "Oh, Jean-Luc! I knew you'd come
___`---..._______...---'___ around! I'll have Troi start
(___) _|_|_|_ (___) the arrangements immediatly!"
\\____.-'_.---._`-.____//
~~~~`.__`---'__.'~~~~ <exit a humming Dr. Crusher>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 00:31:51 +0000
From: Mark Smith <mark@camazotz.com>
Subject: eye-yam-a-sigh-burr-net-tick-or-gun-is-ummm
To: eniac
Today I wrote a letter to my father and misspelled "talent" as "telnet".
Please tell me how to get off this thing.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 11:23:11 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Good Point.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "cate3@netcom.com" <Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com>
There was a TV show on recently where a lot of people were intensively
researching the question "What is the density of wolves in Minnesota?"
I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. All they have to do
is catch one and throw it in a pool.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 11:31:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Helpful comment of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
>From a mailing list I'm on, which has been having inane
"Physics" discussions of late...
Date: Thu, 02 Feb 95 09:38:16 -0800
From: Helpful person...
To: helpee
Subject: Re: whatever
> As some one (I apologise that I can't remember who) pointed out:
> Force=Mass * Acceleration
It was Sir Isaac Newton.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 09:13:31 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I don't want to take the chance, shoot me now.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: kmims@mindspring.com (Kathleen A. Mims)
>From: jim@gatsibm.larc.nasa.gov (Jim Craft)
>
> I was listening to NPR late last week or earlier this week, and reported
> and increasing movement of senior citizens becoming wired. Granted the
> percentage of senior citizens on the net is very small, there are growing
> numbers of them every month.
And bear in mind that baby boomers, many of whom are currently computer
and internet literate, will continue to be so as they age, and not only
will eventually be surfing from old folks homes, but will be pushing their
walkers down the the hall to the strains of "Mony, Mony" and "Whole Lotta
Love".
Kathleen Mims
current Baby Boomer
future Old Folks Homer
[Somehow, the idea of slam-dancing in Depends using walkers fills me with
a certain sense of apprehension... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 09:09:23 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: I Got You, Babe
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Pentagon admitting that it
spends $175 million a year on Army, Navy, Air Force and
Marine bands: "It's money well spent. Otherwise, Sonny
Bono will be singing "Hail To The Chief."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 09:34:38 PST
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: Law and the Death of the Sun
To: spaf
>From BIX by the graces of writer Mike Banks we get this tidbit:
A November 20, 1994 \Anchorage Daily News\ clipping:
Verbatim ... From a federal court order issued this week by
Judge James von der Heydt in A88544CV, FDIC, etc. vs. First
National Bank of Anchorage, etc.
"Scientists recently have estimated that in three to four billion
years the sun will no longer have sufficient hydrogen to maintain
its present energy output; and at that time, a supernova will
develop from the residue which will envelop the Earth, thus
reducing it to a sizzling cinder. It is presumed by the court
that at that time, the copious files of this still-pending
litigation will flame out with all other of the Earth's items
great and small, thus bringing final resolution to the settlement
issues.
"Apparently the parties are willing to await this occurrence,
thus escaping the necessity to resolve the questions at issue.
The court, however, contrary to the parties and counsel, does not
expect to be present for the finalizing fire storm. Thus, since
the court bears some responsibility for the termination of this
litigation prior to the above-described events, the parties and
counsel are notified that the court grows restless."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 11:46:20 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: My baby's got my 486.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@cs.UMD.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Omar Siddique <osiddi1@gl.umbc.edu>
From: jjung@ca.oracle.com (Jack Jung)
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95 19:30:03 EST
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.
-- Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 22:02:21 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: my nomination for quote of the day
To: spaf
>Newsgroups: ne.food
>From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
>Subject: Re: mustard et al.
>Sender: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
>Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 08:19:08 GMT
[mustard and mayonnaise descriptions]
Hell, my mother insisted on "Miracle Whip Salad Dressing", yech. The
only Miracle Whip I want to ever be near wouldn't be sold to minors...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 10:19:10 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: People with too much time on their hands
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.research.att.com
Newswire Item 3/2/94:
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally
hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses
them in clown suits. So far six (6) gorillas have been found wandering
around in this condition.
A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick
sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
[This was in a Yucks v4(9), but I think it is worth repeating.
Is the person doing this a Yucks subscriber? He or she seems to have
entirely too much free time on his/her hands.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 14:49:03 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Look how selfish you are... If each Chechen would have a woman,
there would be no war. That's why you're the source of war on
the planet.
-- Russian untranationalist Vladimir Zhirinovsky, in a
taped interview with Playboy magazine's Jennifer Gould,
who repeatedly declined his requests to have group sex
with his bodyguards.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 09:20:16 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
The BBC's trailer department keeps calling the OJ Simpson case "the trial
of the century". Sure, OJ's a big name, but I still think the title
belongs, narrowly, to Nuremberg.
-- Jack Hughes, "The Independent on Sunday"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 08:53:48 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
"The day you take complete responsibility
for yourself, the day you stop making any
excuses -- that's the day you start to
the top."
O.J. Simpson, In a book "Get
Motivated! Daily Psych-Ups"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 05:50:00 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from the Winnipeg Sun:
DATELINE: WARSAW
Andrzey Pazdziorko, a prosecutor in the northwestern Polish
town of Stargard, said by telephone that four friends got
drunk on Sunday.
First, 41-year-old Franciszek Z. put his hand on a
wooden block and told his friends he was ready to have it
cut off to prove how tough he was. None of them reacted.
But when 30-year-old Krzysztof A. put his head on
the block in a similar challenge. Frandiszek Z. chopped it
off.
"It was a kind of contest," Pazdziorko said.
Submitted by: "Duncan Peter G. Thornton" <thorntn@cc.UManitoba.CA>
Nov. 20, 1994
[Who won? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 08:42:43 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ShopTalk For Monday February 6, 1995
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
If you missed any of the opening statements in the O.J. Simpson
trial you can run over to your local video store today and actually
own a copy of it. MPI Home Video has announced it will rush-
release two four-hour volumes titled "California v. O.J. Simpson:
The Opening Statements." Priced at $14.98 per cassette, MPI plans
to release regular video updates throughout the course of the
trial. It has already released a video on the case's preliminary
hearing and arraignment. And although MPI Home Video does not
release figures, a spokeswoman for the company, says the
preliminary video is selling "moderately well" and they expect it
to continue "selling over time." Turner Entertainment Report
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 11:44:38 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Solaris is a trademark of Monsanto
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams)
Solaris is the name of the lawn and gardening products division
of Monsanto Corp.
Suddenly Solaris 2.X makes a lot more sense....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 09:33:28 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: sunflash amusement
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
>From today's SunFlash
74.13: [...] Barney Chooses Sun as Exclusive Supplier
74.14: Grupo Industrial Bimbo Chooses Sun
Unfortunately, the articles weren't nearly as entertaining as the
possibilities behind the subjects suggest.
------------------------------
Date: 2 Feb 95 20:37:47 GMT
From: rms@toad.com (Richard Stallman)
Subject: Support the Gingrich-Elders Plan
Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.safe,alt.sex.masturbation,soc.motss,gnu.misc.discuss
[Please repost widely]
Today I phoned Speaker Gingrich's office to express my support for the
Gingrich-Elders plan. This is the proposal for public schools to set
aside a few minutes each day for silent masturbation.
Most teenagers figure out on their own how to masturbate, but many are
anxious about doing it. Daily masturbation will keep students so
satisfied and exhausted that they won't even think about having sex
with each other.
This proposal is, for Gingrich, a daring experiment in compassion:
government addressing a problem by helping people rather than
punishing them. He really needs encouragement for it. I hope you too
will call to give him your support. You can phone Gingrich's office
at 202-225-4501. When you say you are calling to express your
opinion, they'll connect you to a recording machine; then all you have
to say is, "I'm from ... and I support the Gingrich-Elders plan." At
some times their lines are busy; if that happens, try again at a
different hour.
The press hasn't taken notice of the Gingrich-Elders plan, perhaps
because it is so different from the rest of the Republican program.
With enough of our calls of support, the media will start to pay
attention. Don't keep silent--stand up and be counted!
When you call, please send a message to gingrich-elders@toad.com, so I
can find out how many calls there have been.
[I encourage all you Yuckster's to inform your elected representatives
on important issues such as this one. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 11:49:20 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: That's $450 a sip to you, fella.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
From: WhiteBoard News for February 10, 1995
New York, New York:
A 5-liter bottle of vintage French Bordeaux was sold at
auction Sunday for $31,050, a price industry experts
estimated was among the highest paid for a single
bottle of wine in America.
The Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1945 was purchased by an
anonymous U.S. bidder, according to Sotheby's Auction
House.
Serena Sutcliffe, head of the auction house's
international wine department, said the wine's rarity
and quality made it highly appealing.
It was bottled at the end of World War II and its label
in French reads "The Year of Victory." The vintage was
"one of the greatest years of the century," Sutcliffe
said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 11:30:20 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The devil made me do it.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: lindsey (Norman Lindsey)
Forwarded-by: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>
I recently got a new automatic dialer for my telephone. It worked
by programming in a 3 number code to indicate who you wanted to
call. To make things easy to remember I decided to use three letter
codes to represent someone and then convert those codes to the
matching numbers on the touch tone dial. For example for my brother
I used "BRO" which became 276, and to call my sister - "SIS" became
747. Then I went to program "MOM"..... It explained a lot!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 95 13:55:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: The language of AI
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
[One of the problems that the AI community encountered early on was that of
simplistic but over-optimistic naming; routines called PickBestMove(),
MakeGlobalWeatherForecast(), and UnderstandSpokenGreek() somehow seemed much
more powerful than they turned out to be. On the other hand, accurate names
would be awakward and, after all, they're just symbols... This Scientific
American article suggests a solution to one such recurrent situation... -psl]
Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
From: INNOVATION 2/6/95
VIRTUAL CRITTERS
Researchers at M.I.T.'s Media Lab are developing a menagerie of intelligent
agents, designed to roam around computer networks and make themselves
useful. These virtual critters (they're referred to as a virtual dog, a
virtual hamster, etc., depending on function) can perform simple tasks,
such as sorting e-mail and scheduling meetings. The software program
observes how its owner sorts e-mail, and after detecting a pattern, offers
to finish the task. There are a couple of drawbacks -- while the program
can learn to mimic its owner's actions, it is unable to learn skills that
the owner doesn't already possess. Also, consumers tend to consistently
overestimate the intelligence of computer programs, particularly those that
use language. One solution? Every time you see the words "intelligent
agent," substitute "trainable ant." (Scientific American Feb.'95 p.28)
[Personnaly, I find that substituting "Expensive piece of trash with
random failure modes" for most software works about as well. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 17:28:18 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Aaron Barnhart <barnhart@mcs.com>
TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE
10. Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign
9. Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate
8. Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo
7. Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead
6. Didn't know whether or not there was an 'E' at the end of Quayle
5. Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says
4. Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at
3. Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack
2. Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in 'Dumb and Dumber 2'
1. He's yella
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 08:48:04 -0500
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOP TEN THINGS DAN RATHER WOULD NEVER SAY ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sue Trowbridge <trow@charm.net>
From New York: Just across the Atlantic from Europe ... it's
THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, February 8, 1995. And now, the
voice of the Grand Old Opry for 35 years ... David Letterman!
From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN THINGS DAN RATHER WOULD NEVER SAY ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS
10. "I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor"
9. "Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara?"
8. "Wanna buy a fake Rolex?"
7. "And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie
Mandel"
6. "Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV-money
on better wigs"
5. "That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey"
4. "Hey, let's bomb Alaska!"
3. "Honey, I'll be home soon -- have the tequila ready"
2. "Good evening, I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants"
1. "I made that last story up"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Feb 1995 09:39:24 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: two gems from the paper...
To: SPAF
I found the following two beauties in _USA Today_. On the off chance that
no one has sent them to you yet, here they are:
Masontown, PA: Evelyn Frazier, 32, and husband Earl Frazier Sr., 68, were
arrested after police say he videotaped her having sex with dogs. He
assisted her and instructed her on how to perform the sex acts, police say.
[Um, would they have NOT arrested them if they had NOT videotaped it? --spaf]
Muskego, WI: A judge allowed the city to force a woman, 86, out of her home
because it is bug-infested, has an unsafe roof, no water, and is littered with
five gallons of cat feces. The woman, a widow with no children, has lived
there 50 years. Plans are to find her another home.
[If they plan on moving her cats, they better figure out what five gallons
of feces is in terms of "cat-time" and start thinking about the next house
for her, too.]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 95 4:30:01 EST
From: rand0061@maroon.tc.umn.edu (Michael D Rand)
Subject: UW-Madison
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The recent debate over tuition reciprocity between Minnesota and
Wisconson institutions of higher learning has caused an overhaul in both
university systems. While the U of M--TC campus has only made
superficial changes involving administrative raises and tuition increases
(coincidental?), the UW-Madison has been forced to make drastic
curriculum changes to try to accomodate more Wisconson residents.
Therefore, I present to you an original list of the top ten classes now
offered at Madison:
10) U.S. History--1994 to present
9) Spare Rib eating
8) Less filling/tastes great: a formal discussion group
7) Introduction to balloon animals
6) How to pass a BAL test successfully
5) History of roller derby
4) Long division: friend or foe?
3) The mystique of childproof caps
2) Waste paper basketball
1) Paper or plastic: be prepared
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 95 23:57:48 -0800
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: What rhymes with itch?
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: lanih@irony.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Subject: Re:Giraffeburgers (fwd)
Holly Tannen wrote:
-How do you know she's a witch?
-She turned me into a newt!
-Monty Python and the Holy Grail
THE OUTLANDISH NEWT as sung by "Local Bud",
Comptche (California) General Store
tune: Blood on the Saddle
There was blood in the trenches and blood on the ground
A great big puddle of blood all around
The gee-raffe lay in it, all bloody and dead
Our hero Sir Newtie done bashed in its head.
Sir Newtie rode up to the White House to dine
The First Lady smiled as she poured out the wine
He took the first sip and then fell on the floor
He never will call her a bitch any more.
(Spoken) "Witch, not bitch," she murmured....
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Feb 1995 09:46:13 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: yet another from the national news...
To: SPAF
_Newsweek_ has a new column on technology, which isn't actually the punch line
of this message, but could be. The lead article is "All About Bob" by Steven
Levy. Here's a little extract:
The dossier on Rover tags him "a happy and intelligent mutt dog" of "college
age." He dines on "fast food and table scraps." You'd think that Rover's
employer, Microsoft, would at least feed him steak. The virtual dog has a
crucial job: Navigating people through the company's new home-computer program
named, with calculated simplicity, Bob...
Despite the program's attempts to shield the user from the intricacies of the
underlying operating system, problems keep popping up, disturbing the calm in Bob's
virtual sun rooms and attics. I discoved this when I tried to launch a CD-ROM
game from within Bob. I received not Rover's usual friendly dialogue box,
but a Windows error message: "HOME caused a Page Fault on module WING.DLL
at 000B:60A4."
I wanted my good old guide Rover to explain ths. But he just sat there,
wagging his pixels, oblivious to the total breakdown of the social computing
contract. Bad dog, bad!
-30-
Actually, when my computer and I experience similar breakdowns, with the
inevitable profane commentary on my part, my dog just sits and wags his
pixels at me as well, but then again he's not supposed to help.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 03 Feb 95 21:58:19 EST
From: lou@phantom.com (Louis)
Subject: yucks submission
To: spaf
JosephD244 (josephd244@aol.com) wrote:
Let me explain my self. All of my life I have been fascinated by toilets.
How they work, design, and the actual flush. I have always wanted to
experience a flush of the toilet first-hand, as in my body actually being
flushed down a toilet. There would be two ways of doing this: either make a
very large toilet to accept a human or create a toilet with the capacity
to shrink a large object so as to flush it down. Any of these procedures
would have to be conducted in safe environments and would be made so as not
to injure the person or object being flushed.
Maybe this sounds crazy to you, but this is something that I have dreamt and
thought about throughout my life. I am trying, via the information
superhighway, to find out if there any other people in the world who
may have these same or similar thoughts and desires. If you do or know
someone who does, have them e-mail me.
[Lou neglected to indicate where he found this message. I assume it was
in some newsgroup. There seems to be a newsgroup for everything. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 01:33:53 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Zamboni headlights
To: hockey-l@maine.maine.edu, spaf
found this lurking over in rec.skate, and thought it might be
appropriate...
charlie shub
cdash@cs.colorado.edu -or- cdash@colospgs (BITNET)
(719) 593 3492 (fax) 593-3369
> From: lrucker@parcplace.com (Lee Ann Rucker)
> Newsgroups: rec.skate
> Subject: Zamboni headlights
>
> I think I've found out why Zambonis have headlights.
>
> A friend in Colorado was telling me about how they determine when to stop
> skating on the pond by a ski resort - when they dunk the Zamboni, skating
> season's over.
>
> So the headlights are so they can find it in the water.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------