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Yucks Digest V4 #31 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 27 Oct 94 Volume 4 : Issue 31
Today's Topics:
"How's that, again?" Dept.
*Real* Science
... and proof of satisfactory character
... the wonderful thing about standards
another la. gov. beauty...
Another merger
AOL-ers... like deer peering into the headlights...
bbc carter/clinton humor...
Biblical Wisdom
bodymod
Chatham County Artillery Punch
Computer chess update
Difference between NP-complete and NP-hard and NP-ugly
do-it-yourself ear piercer
don't pick on me, it IS sunday night
Forgot one.
Frivolous Law Suits & Ties
mcd's coffee, scald wounds, and grey matter....
GOTO considered helpful
Hello, sailor
Humor: UNIX man page for "baby"
if sex is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex
Transvestite Hid Handgun in Rectum
Jurassic Park Metaphor
origins of "more"
QOTD (3 msgs)
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Rankings in millions of dollars 1/1/93 to date.
Rubber ducky, you're so fine...
Satan's toothpaste
Secret use of Ping
Terrorists are people too...
The discriminating palate . . .
The heights of British cuisine
The Sagan Suit...
Tobacco tax ammendment
Windows is filling your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.
Would you like to be cited in this paper?
Yes, they *are* lying little weasels...
Yucks submission
Yucks submissions go here?
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It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
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Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 16:12:59 GMT
From: "David B. Thomas" <dthomas@basis.com>
Subject: "How's that, again?" Dept.
To: spaf
In just the past week I have seen an unusually large number of things
that have made me do a double-take.
A Jensen Tools catalog arrived, offering two companion books on the
inside front cover: "How to repair computers" and "How to repair
Macs". I rather enjoyed showing it to my Mac Weenie friends.
Then I'm in the supermarket and I see a new Women's magazine (I forget
the title -- it's a "premier issue" this month). One of the blurbs on
the front cover says:
ADULTERY -- DO'S AND DON'TS
So I'm thinking -- what could be in this article? (No way would I
read it and spoil the fun!)
DO use a condom
DON'T tell your husband
DO get a hotel under an assumed name
DON'T use the name "smith" or a credit card
[corollary: in NM don't use the name "montoya" either.]
DO make up a story to explain going out late dressed up
DON'T say you're going bowling
I'm sure fellow yucksters can help me out, here.
[Don't leave tooth marks. --spaf]
Finally, this morning on the way to work I saw a sign on a church
billboard that says (I kid you not!)
TRUST IN GOD
BUT LOCK YOUR CAR
I just can't believe that God would let someone rip me off while I'm
in there busting my butt putting a dime in Jesus's parking meter every
Sunday....... but okay.
Long as I'm here, the best billboard I ever saw, and I still regret
that I didn't get a picture of it, was "OUR BOSS TOLD US TO CHANGE THE
SIGN SO WE DID". Rio Rancho, NM has some warped people in it.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Oct 1994 18:06:58 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: *Real* Science
To: coast-students
This is the way *real* science experiments are conducted and reported:
http://cbi.tamucc.edu/~pmichaud/toast/
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Oct 1994 10:58:38 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and proof of satisfactory character
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Allman <eric@cs.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: Bret Marquis (via RadioMail) <bam@radiomail.net>
The requirements for admission to practice law include completion of
general education at the university level; completion of a three-year
postgraduate law school curriculum; passing a two- or three-day written
bar examination; and proof of satisfactory character, the latter
requirement being minimal.
G.C. Hazard Jr. and Michele Taruffo,
American Civil Procedure, 1993
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 12:32:34 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... the wonderful thing about standards
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
According to the latest issue of *The Economist*, Friday, October 14 was
World Standards day.
Or, at least, it was World Standards Day in *some* countries. However,
as they note, "In America, the celebrations were held on October 11th.
In Finland, World Standards Day was marked on October 13th. Italy is
planning a separate conference on standards for October 18th."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 12:02:18 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: another la. gov. beauty...
To: SPAF
The recent digest mentioning the Duke vs. Edwards race in LA. reminded
me of my favorite bumber sticker from the election:
Better a lizard than a wizard.
I have heard it said that Edwards is also the wit who coined the phrase,
"The only thing that can ruin my career is being caught in bed with a dead
girl or a live boy."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 1994 17:05:04 EDT
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: Another merger
To: sham-clips@rascal.ics.utexas.edu (The Clippings Group)
Subject: Another merger
New York - AP Wire Services : In a move that astonished Wall St., Apple
Computer, Inc., the Cupertino-based computer maker, was bought outright by
Snapple Beverages Co. The first new look at the Power Kiwi Strawberry PC and
Performa Diet Peach Flavored Ice Tea brought oooooos and ahhhhhhhhhhhs from
investors everywhere. The company's new slogan reads: " The power to be some
of the best stuff on earth ". The new company logo is the famed colored
striped apple in front of the background of the Boston Tea Party. The new
company's name is now Snapple Computer.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 13:02:26 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: AOL-ers... like deer peering into the headlights...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 1994 03:06:16 -0800
To: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
From: ddt@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)
Subject: AOL-ers... like deer peering into the headlights...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 12:26:14 EDT
>From: "ArocMae (Cora Ott)" <AROCMAE@AOL.COM>
>Subject: Why
>To: Multiple recipients of list MAC-L <MAC-L%YALEVM.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
>
>Why am i getting all these crazy meassages and questions from you? I have no
>answers to MAC problems. Please STOP all these questions & messages now!!!!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Oooo, STOP it, you Meanies!"
Poor dear [sic]. Someone should 'splain to her about mailing lists... >}:P
A few minutes later...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>Date: Sun, 29 May 1994 12:27:28 EDT
>From: "ArocMae (Cora Ott)" <AROCMAE@AOL.COM>
>Subject: Re: HELP
>To: Multiple recipients of list MAC-L <MAC-L%YALEVM.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
>
>you are a pig
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Apparently Cora thinks "MAC-L%YALEVM.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu" is a PERSON.
Oh, please. Ooooo, my sides are still hurting...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Oct 1994 05:15:10 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: bbc carter/clinton humor...
To: SPAF
Europe is about the only place where they dislike Bill Clinton more than
the folks in Texas. I heard the following crack on BBC:
President Carter had committed lust in his heart, but didn't do anything
about it. He left that to Bill Clinton. Now President Clinton is committing
foreign policy in his heart, but leaving it to Jimmy Carter.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 94 10:56:23 -0700
From: Allen Akin <akin@tuolumne.asd.sgi.com>
Subject: Biblical Wisdom
To: spaf
Those who've read "How to Shit in the Woods" may be interested in
this citation from an even more authoritative source...
From: harth@virtu.sar.usf.edu (Ben Harth (NC))
Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
Subject: God and outdoor defecation...
Date: 30 Sep 1994 04:54:22 GMT
I was perusing the Bible the other day when I came across this passage. I
thought it might be of interest to other folks who have a little experience
with the trowel, etc. "You shall have a designated area outside the camp to
which you shall go. With your utensils you shall have a trowel; when you
relieve yourself outside, you shall dig a hole with it and then cover up your
excrement...Your camp must be holy. -Deuteronomy 23.12-14
A respectable backcountry attitude should always have Biblical roots.
[I once heard the Old Testament described as a public health manual
with enough naughty bits to keep the readers' interest... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 11:48:43 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: bodymod
To: yucks, yucks@ucsd.UCSD.EDU
From: shea@pentagon.io.com (shea)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.bodyart
Subject: Re: Eating Disorders as Bodymod?
Date: 29 Sep 1994 11:09:55 -0500
In article <36dbtt$86f@hermod.uio.no>,
Marius Ibenhart Watz <mwatz@leonardo.uio.no> wrote:
>Which reminds me: Is there anyone here (of course there is) who
>has experience with eating disorders and have used it as a
>body modification.
I've used a combination of heavy beer drinking, eating with gusto,
and aging to achieve a certain set of body modifications. Since
I started these rituals, I've managed to actually *permanently*
stretch the skin in several areas.
And it's so much fun squicking the normals when I take my shirt off at the
beach. They see the stretched skin, the deepening belly-button, and the
three (count 'em: three!) gray hairs on my head, and don't know what to think!
People comment on my bodyart all the time, ask stupid questions like
"did it hurt?" and "why did you do that?" How rude! If they have to ask,
they'll never know.
Has anyone ever used a severe shellfish allergy as a means to
temporary body modification? Under the right conditions, hives can
last almost as long as henna, and the sexual possibilities of an
elevated blood pressure and restricted breathing passages are intriguing.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Sep 1994 10:05:07 -0400
From: Scott Dorsey <kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov>
Subject: Chatham County Artillery Punch
To: eniac
From: AGCB1::BJB 5-DEC-1991 11:18:04.43
To: KLUDGE
Subj: Chatham County Artillery Punch
While searching my neighbor's bar book for his egg nog recipe (for the
upcoming Christmas party), I came across this recipe from a 1940's
newsclip I thought you would be interested in. This legendary drink is
purported to have flattened the hero of the Spanish American War,
Admiral Dewey--a man who, up to that time, was known for his ability to
hold liquor.
It was reported that the drink slides down the throat smoothly and
innocently with a pleasing taste. The drink, however, reacts like a salvo
of a 12-inch gun.
CHATHAM COUNTY ARTILLERY PUNCH, recipe for 12 gallons
INGREDIENTS:
1 lb. green tea in 2 gallons cold water, allowed to stand
overnight, then strained
3 gallons Catawba wine
1 gallon rum
1 gallon brandy
1 gallon rye whisky
5 lbs. brown sugar
2 qts. cherries
Juice of three dozen oranges
Juice of three dozen lemons
1 gallon gin added after juice to make smooth
Mix the tea and juices together first, preferably in cedar tub,
then the sugar and the liquors. Let this stock set for a week or two,
covered. When ready to serve, add ice and 12 qts. of champagne. The
stock and the finished punch should be stirred well.
[If Admiral Dewey drank 12 gallons of that, he was a far better man
than many of us gave him credit for. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 10:50:44 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Computer chess update
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: <joeha@microsoft.com>
From: WhiteBoard News for October 03, 1994
Boston, Massachusetts:
Bobby Fischer, we need you.
For the first time in a major grand master chess tournament, a
computer program stands unbeaten against the best U.S. players.
Software called WChess, designed by David Kittinger, Mobile,
Alabama, scored four wins and two draws at the fifth Harvard Cup
Human vs. Computer Intel Chess Challenge last weekend in Boston.
"Computers are now playing chess at the grand master level," says
tournament co-founder Chris Chabris.
Six grand masters played eight computer programs; Joel Benjamin,
30, of New York, was top-scoring human; overall, humans outscored
their techno-foes.
"Computers have great technical capability," says Benjamin, "but
they're not good at strategy at all. They don't have a feel for
the game."
Benjamin gets $1,000 and his name engraved on a cup. WChess just
gets its name on the cup. "We don't give computers money," says
Chabris. "They'd just blow it on chips -- not beer and chips,
just chips."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Oct 94 23:11:50 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Difference between NP-complete and NP-hard and NP-ugly
Newsgroups: sci.op-research
To: spaf
Paul Rubin, in explaining about P, NP, NP-complete and NP-hard
explains how optimization works. The tag line on his .sig ain't bad
either...
=> As far as optimization goes, anything over five variables is too hard for me,
=> which means I personally don't have to worry about polynomial time and
=> NP-ugly problems.
=>
=> ...
=> Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whenever you say something to them,
=> they translate it into their own language, and at once it is something
=> entirely different. J. W. v. GOETHE
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 94 17:57 CDT
From: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: do-it-yourself ear piercer
To: eniac
you can now order your very own ear piercing kit from a company
called reactive metals studio. it comes with a cleansing towel-
ette, sterile marking pen, easy-to-use applicator, encapsulated
allergy-free, surgical-implant grade titanium earrings complete
with clutches plus instructions. choose between plain 4mm un-
adonized titanium balls and clear crystals (unadonized titanium
is shiny, dark grey)
plain $7.50
crystal $8.00
they also sell anodized studs in these colors: dark blue, pink,
purple, green, teal and yellow
plain 3mm $3.15
plain 4mm $3.60
and unanodized studs with three crystal colors: clear/blue/rose
3mm crystal $3.85
5mm crystal $5.55
add $1.90 for clutches (package of ten) plus $3.80 for s/h
RMS also has earwires and hoops (7/16"-1.25") in these same col-
ors as well as in sterling silver. call them or write to me if
you want more information
Reactive Metals Studio
Box 890
Clarkdale AZ 86324
602/634-3434
[Huh. How about ear piercing with really reactive metals like sodium?
That titanium stuff is for wimps. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Oct 94 20:59:14 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: don't pick on me, it IS sunday night
To: spaf
aghosh@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu (RAVEN) writes:
hey there. what is the difference between pine and tin.
and Joe Gross <jgross@uiuc.edu> is nice enough to respond
Pine is a tree of the genus Pinus, or of various allied coniferous genera;
comprising trees, mostly of large size, with evergreen needle-shaped
leaves, of which many species afford valuable timber, tar, and turpen-
tine, and some have edible seeds.
Tin is one of the well-known metals, nearly approaching silver in white-
ness and lustre, highly malleable and taking a high polish; used in the
manufacture of articles of block tin, in the formation of alloys, as
bronze, pewter, etc., and, on account of its resistance to oxidation,
for making tin-plate and lining culinary and other iron vessels.
>are there any isadvantages/advantages to tin.
well, tin is rarely if ever found native, but occurs in two ores, the diox-
ide, SnO[2], called tin-stone or cassiterite, and, less commonly, in
tin-pyrites or sulphide of tin, SnS[2]. Chemically it is a dyad metal-
lic element, symbol Sn (stannum), atomic weight (O = 16) 119 (Internat.
Committee in Jrnl. Chem. Soc. Sept. 1912, 1832); sp. gr. about 7.3. In
Alchemy represented by the same sign ((omitted)) as the planet Jupiter.
Pine burns better.
[For the Usenet neophytes, "pine" and "tin" are the names of two
semi-popular newsreaders. And ear-piercing materials. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 23:00:54 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Forgot one.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: ddt@lsd.com (Dave Del Torto)
Subject: Clinton Death Conspiracy Deepens at efn.org [humor]
>From: timr@efn.org (Tim Richardson)
>To: act@zilker.net (Against Constitutional Terrorists)
>
>Here's the latest list of suspicious/mysterious deaths around the
>prez.
>
>1. Susan Coleman
> Rumors were circulating in Arkansas of an affair with Bill
> Clinton. She was found dead with a gunshot wound to the head
> at 7 1/2 months pregnant. Death was an apparent suicide.
[a list of 35 "mysterious, suspicious deaths" follows.]
One casualty they neglected to mention:
36. Tim Richardson's Last Six Braincells
Richardson, forty-ish, and the second cousin (twice removed) of a
guy who lived down the street from that woman who reportedly once
had her picture taken with Hillary while Bill got a chili-dog at
a Little Rock baseball game, began his slide down the slippery
slope of sanity on the evening of Sept 27th, 1994, when, during a
TV broadcast of the Rush Limbaugh Show, he slipped on a Swanson's
Chicken TV Dinner, impaled himself on an upturned asparagus spear,
and killed enough braincells to be declared "legally dead in the
People's Republic of Berkeley." An unusual quantity of mashed
potatoes remained on the victim's fallen platter, leading
authorities to suspect that the TV dinner has been prepared by a
"second cook" and that fowl [sic] play might be involved.
According to family, he was thereafter only capable of mumbling
"ditto" in muted tones. He died tragically two days later of a
severe myocardial infarction brought on by an overdose of french
fries while sitting behind the wheel of his beloved Dodge Dart in
a suburban MacDonald's Drive-Thru line, as a Coke Classic spilled
enigmatically in his lap. A reported "Columbian connection" and a
mystery Marseilles informant both now figure in the investigation.
The baseball game picture has never been found.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 94 18:37:55 CDT
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Frivolous Law Suits & Ties
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
[For those of you who missed this in the news, some woman has sued
Mickey D's after she spilled hot coffee in her lap, claiming severe
burns. --spaf]
I keep waiting for the countersuit. How people at
McDonalds got hurt rolling on the floor laughing
at the sheer stupidity of this woman. I'm sure
they could provide pictures as well.
"Here's Ronald snorting an entire McBig McMac out
his nose laughing when someone told him about this
fool. Here's Jamie Presser, Bun Counter, gagging
at the sight. Here's a picture of her in the
emotional trauma unit at the local emergency room
a few minutes later."
One can only wish.
Would the jurors who had to look at these pix be
allowed to countersue as well?
-Miles
looking for someone to sue who doesn't care as long
as I split the money with you, so we, too, can retire
and let society foot the bill...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 11:39:44 -0500 (CDT)
From: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
Subject: mcd's coffee, scald wounds, and grey matter....
To: SPAF
Given the outcome of this lawsuit, has anyone started a poll on when the
following sign will appear on the door and the drive-up marquee of every
fast-food joint and convenience store in the US:
No shoes
No shirt
No brain
No service
Maybe we just need a "Juan Valdez Bill"--like the Brady Bill--that requires
a five-day waiting period or an instant background check for any history of
congenital idiocy prior to purchasing a hot liquid?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 13:28:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: GOTO considered helpful
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: Mark.Maimone@vacation.venari.cs.cmu.edu
>From the May/June'94 IEEE Institute, an article about John Backus
receiving the Draper Prize for having developed Fortran:
Another of Fortran's breakthroughs was the GOTO statement,
which was a uniquely simple and understandable means of
structuring and modularizing programs.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 12:35:54 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hello, sailor
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: From the "Back in the African-American" department...
The reference in the subject line was to a Massachusetts paper
referring to a given town's finances as being "...back in the
African-American".
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Date: Sat, 15 Oct 94 19:30:03 EDT
From: haines@isi.edu
Subject: Madonna moving up in the world
I read in comp.risks that a (nameless) library had some problems when
upgrading from paper card catalogs to an online index.
The software they used a standardized set of keywords, and it replaced
"Madonna" with "Mary, Blessed Virgin, Saint", causing reclassification
of recent works by Ms. Ciccone.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The latest entry in the "Back in the African-American" sweepstakes was
reported by *The New Republic*; a headline in *The Northwest Herald*, on
complaints about the Smithsonian's exhibit on the atomic bombing of
Hiroshima and Nagasaki, had the headline
Atomic bombers criticize Enola homosexual exhibit
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Sep 94 23:29:33 CDT
From: John_Kinyon-ajk007@email.mot.com (John Kinyon)
Subject: Humor: UNIX man page for "baby"
To: spaf
In article <364pc4$bt5@sun11k.mdd.comm.mot.com>, dhami@mdd.comm.mot.com
(Mandeep S Dhami) wrote:
> In <35un90$i5u@delphinium.cig.mot.com> yorton@crawfish.cig.mot.com (James J. Yorton) writes:
> >
> >I've also seen man pages for sex(1) with various options that
> >I can't describe in this forum, including some that might be
> >anatomically impossible. Someone's rather imaginative though. :-)
> >
>
> sex(6) Comes with emacs distribution *gasp* ;-).
> Should you be perverse enough, :), try ...
>
> % cd <Emacs Lisp Dir.>/../etc
> % nroff -man sex.6 | more
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Oct 94 21:01:58 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: if sex is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex
To: spaf
<35fqub$gsa@news.ycc.yale.edu> vsletten@minerva.cis.yale.edu writes:
> I sometimes find it necessary to use a "barrel shroud"/"flash
> suppressor" on my penis. Does this mean it is banned by the crime
> bill? I have no use for a bayonet mount, however...
and cakelly@brbbs.com (Chris Kelly) responds in talk.politics.guns:
> You guys are starting to worry me... I was already POed because, under the
> Brady Bill, I had to wait five days, just because my barrel was under 18"
> long.
>
> NOW you're telling me that I may have an Assault Penis. It came with a barrel
> shroud, but it was "sporterized" when I was a baby. I did a lot of target
> practice with it as a child, but now I'm informed that it "has no sporting
> purpose, it's only designed to rape and subjugate women". Worse yet, it has
> a collapsible stock, and (unfortunately) is capable of rapid-fire!
>
> Now what am I gonna do?
[Beware of a hair-trigger, I suppose. (There's a pun on assault with
a dead weapon in here somewhere, but I'm not going to look for it.) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Oct 94 11:03:35 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Transvestite Hid Handgun in Rectum
To: spaf
>From the El Paso Times:
Sometimes on the crime beat, it's best to let the police write
the news story. This piece of information was in a press release
issued Thursday by police Lt. Edward Ortega:
``At 2:45 a.m. (Thursday) a transvestite in full battle gear,
Marvin ``Jovana'' Rodriguez, 27, from Juarez, was arrested at 100
W. San Antonio (on a charge of) burglary of auto.
``Rodriguez was taken to the Central station detaining cells,
where officers noticed him squirming around incessantly.
``Police investigated why Rodriguez could not sit still and
found a .25-caliber pistol . . . in his rectum.''
[Better not put this guy in the same cell as the guy with the assault
penis. Unless, of course, you are writing a network TV sitcom. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Oct 94 16:23:55 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Jurassic Park Metaphor
To: spaf
Newsgroups: alt.movies.spielberg
From: chao@netcom.com (Steven Chao)
Subject: Jurassic Park Metaphor
Date: Sat, 1 Oct 1994 00:25:55 GMT
A friend of mine pointed out that Jurassic Park is a wonderfully
simple metaphor for itself:
The goal of the Park was to use the most advanced technology to
recreate dinosaurs that you could actually see.
The goal of the film was to use the most advanced technology to
recreate dinosaurs that you could actually see.
Richard Attenborough's character "spared no expense" (except for
programmer salaries apparently) and was sure that people would
flock to see real dinosaurs.
Steven Speilberg and the producers spared no expense (except for
actor salaries apparently) and people flocked to see real dinosaurs.
In the story of the film the dinosaurs got out of control and eat
the humans.
Watching the film you notice that the dinosaurs special effects
get out of control and eat the characters.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 94 16:05:24 EDT
From: kclark@koan.ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: origins of "more"
To: spaf
[forwards deleted]
I named the program "more". This was a daring move at the time, since
it was such a long name for a UNIX command, and was also a real
English word. (Dan Halbert, in comp.society.folklore)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 14:00:54 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Washington D.C. has lawyers like New York City has rats.
I guess New York got to pick first.
-- David Letterman
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 19:54:24 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Perl. The only language that looks the same before and after
RSA encryption.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 12:15:35 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: chris@das.harvard.edu
% finger rhp@cs.cmu.edu
[...]
"Do not operate heavy equipment with your head submerged in
this liquid for extended periods of time."
- Warning on a bottle of spring water
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 Oct 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done
because a machine I've never heard of is down"
--Leslie Lamport
(note to technophobes - a distributed system is a computer network in
which work may get shuffled onto any member computer without your
intervention, knowledge, or consent.)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Oct 1994 04:20:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
English can most charitably be described as a generous, expansive, and
flexible language; a less charitable description would characterize it
as drunk and disorderly.
-- Teresa Nielsen Hayden
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 17:47:43 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Rankings in millions of dollars 1/1/93 to date.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams)
Rankings in millions of dollars 1/1/93 to date. Source: Forbes Magazine
Steven Spielberg 335
Oprah Winfrey 105
Barney the Dinosaur 84 <----!
Pink Floyd 62
Bill Cosby 60
Barbra Streisand 57
Eagles 56
David Copperfield 55
Rolling Stones 53
Harrison Ford 44
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 12:03:41 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Rubber ducky, you're so fine...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
The September 28, 1994 San Francisco Chronicle (and other papers) had an
article saying that a winter storm in the North Pacific two years ago
hit a freighter going from Hong Kong to Tacoma, "ripp[ing] open a steel
container filled with "29,000 yellow duckies, blue turtles, green frogs
and red beavers and dumped the lot overboard."
Ten months later, the plastic beasties came ashore along the Alaskan
coast; some scientists decided to chart the spot where they spilled, and
have been using this, and daily wind logs in the region, to project the
path whence they came.
In an earlier incident, 61,000 Nike shoes fell off a ship near the same
spot; as Nike shoes are less subject to wind than rubber duckies, this
lets one compare the effects of wind and ocean currents.
They suspect the duckies are headed north into the Arctic circle, and
will most likely "get tangled in the Arctic pack ice, rotate around the
pole and debouch into the North Atlantic", and that the shoe spill
"headed back into the Pacific, past Hawaii, and is probably near Japan."
"Beachcombers with seagoing bathtub toys or Nike shoes to report can
contact [Curtis] Ebbesmeyer [one of the oceanographers studying this] at
Evans-Hamilton Inc., 731 North Northlake Way, Seattle, WA 98103."
An article on this is in the September 13 issue of EOS, the official
journal of he American Geophysical Union.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 08:53:43 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Satan's toothpaste
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 15:50:56 -0700
From: Joel.Tornatore@Eng.Sun.COM (Joel Tornatore)
To: satanic@vatican.Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: I wouldn't worry about it....
>From the cyber-sleaze MTV report:
Commenting on why Metallica filed a lawsuit to get out of their
contract with Elektra Entertainment, their record company:
The group's Lars Ulrich adds the group wanted more control of
their master recordings so the songs "didn't end up in a car
commercial or toothpaste commercial."
------------------------------
Date: 22 Oct 1994 04:11:18 EDT
From: *Hobbit* <hobbit@asylum.sf.ca.us>
Subject: Secret use of Ping
Newsgroups: comp.security.unix
Bwahaha. When I was at FTP, I noticed that a certain competitor had one
of their machines continually pinging one of FTP's machines, always with
an ICMP ID of 0xdead. Is this IP voodoo??
For a while the response was to ping an address inside their net that
didn't exist, with a big packet, causing a routing-loop TTL timeout that
just happened to travel back and forth over their 56k provider link.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 15:43:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nous Visual Engineering <nous@panix.com>
Subject: Terrorists are people too...
To: spaf
Saw this in the corner of USA Today, I think...
---
"Ex-hostage Terry Anderson, now a Yonkers [NY] resident, asked the
government for his own records on his 6.5 years as a captive in Lebanon.
He's writing another book.
"No dice, said the government -- unless he gets written, notarized
permission from his terrorist kidnappers because their privacy might be
invaded."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 94 08:57:39 EDT
From: "Mark J. Reed" <mark.reed@sware.com>
Subject: The discriminating palate . . .
To: spaf
>From V4 #28:
\Even today the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo,
\Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries.
\One taste told me the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\cooked in seal fat. I declined any more. The man who offered them to me
\shrugged and continued to pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts.
Obviously, this man is a health-conscious connoisseur of droppings who was
offended by the high-cholesterol cooking method.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Oct 1994 00:35:56 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The heights of British cuisine
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
In an article on the Channel Tunnel (across the English channel) in the
October 13 New York Times, they report that
... the freight service, in which truck drivers load their rigs
onto specially-designed steel-ribbed railroad cars [running
through the tunnel -gh] and then gather in a forward cabin for a
quick hot meal, has been up and running since July. British
truck drivers have complained about the Continental cuisine and
so Eurotunnel [the company who built and is operating the
Tunnel -gh] is planning to introduce what its public affairs
department calls "bad food, consisting of greasy chips and steak
and kidney pies."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 1994 11:02:39 -0500
From: werner@cs.utexas.edu (Werner Uhrig)
Subject: The Sagan Suit...
To: "Psst, heard on the grapevine..." <nobody@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
[ from unnamed sources. I would like to give credit, but then
[ I'd have to ask first, and probably not bother with it... :-]
This just in...
According to the Media Law Reporter, vol. 22, pp. 2141-2146,, the U.S.
District Court, Central District of California, has dismissed a libel suit
against Apple Computer brought by astronomer Carl Sagan.
Apple, in 93, had a product with the code name Carl Sagan. Once the
prominent astronomer learned of the unsanctioned use of his name by Apple,
he made a legal request they quit doing so. Then, according to the court's
opinion, Apple then started calling the product "butt-head astronomer."
This is somewhat old news. The real scoop is in the language published in
the opinion. The judge J. Baird writes:
"Plantiff's libel action is based on the allegation that Defendant changed
the 'code name' on its personal computer from 'Carl Sagan' to 'Butt-Head
Astronomer' after plaintiff had request that Defendant cease use of
Plaintiff's name.... There can be no question that the use of the
figurative term 'Butt-Head' negates the impression that Defendant was
seriously implying an assertion of fact. It strains reason to conclude that
Defendant was attempting to criticize Plaintiff's reputation or competency
as an astronomer. One does not seriously attack the expertise of a
scientist using the undefined phrase 'butt-head.' Thus, the figurative
language militates against implying an assertion of fact....
Furthermore, the tenor of any communication of the information, especially
the phrase 'Butt-Head Astronomer,' would negate the impression that
Defendant was implying an assertion of fact."
The decision does not indicate what level of damages Sagan was seeking; we
can only assume that it was 'billions and billions' of dollars.
Hey, how often do you get to see Apple call Sagan a Butt-Head more than a
dozen times in a single court opinion. Who says lawyers have no sense of
humor.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 Oct 94 13:52:24 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Tobacco tax ammendment
To: spaf
this article, originally posted by weverka@spot.Colorado.EDU (Robert
T. Weverka), needs some context.
1. There is currently a proposal on the upcoming Colorado ballot to
impose a substantial tax on tobacco with the moneys going into the
state (and eventually local) general funds.
2. There has been a flame war in the Colorado groups over this
proposal.
3. It seems, perhaps, that the date is off by half a year
> From: weverka@spot.Colorado.EDU (Robert T. Weverka)
> Subject: Re: Tobacco tax ammendment
> Date: 1 Oct 94 13:15:41 GMT
(Newswire Oct.1 1994) New Proposal to Ban Gum at Folsom Stadium.
A new proposal before the Regents will ban gum chewing at Folsom
Stadium. Proponents of the new ban argue that the used gum causes
numerous inconveniences for non-gum-chewers, including serious health
consequences.
The cost of cleaning clothes with discarded gum stuck to the
material is estimated to run thousands of dollars per game. And
the Folsum maintence workers spend hundreds of hours a season scraping
gum off of the stands.
Colds and flu viruses are said to be transmitted by the discarded
gum.
The Regents will consider the gum ban at the October meeting where
the agenda includes the reconsideration for promotion to full
professorship of Peter Michelson.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 14:55:12 -0400
From: bostic
Subject: Windows is filling your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: stripes@uunet.uu.net (Josh Osborne)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle, master of all knowledge, what does UNIX stand for?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ken Thompson claims that UNIX is "a weak pun on Multics," but this is
} a lie. UNIX is a weak pun on eunuch. Look around you. Are any of
} your male peers ever going to reproduce? And if their significant
} others DO become pregnant-- will you not doubt the identity of the
} father?
}
} UNIX is not all that impressive an operating system. Why, then, is it
} so popular? *UNIX is addictive!* And, just like heroin, the UNIX
} drive quickly displaces the sex drive. (Oh, sure, computer geeks talk
} a lot about wanting to get laid... but do they ever *do* anything
} about it?)
}
} Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is
} the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction,
} the Mac is MDMA, and MS-DOS is sniffing glue. (Windows is filling
} your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve step program.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 16:16:33 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Would you like to be cited in this paper?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Hello,
I am a Senior at the University of North Carolina doing a research project
on OO Cobol. I was wondering if anyone in this newsgroups could give me some
information on who I might contact by way of E-mail, phone, or whatever for
some answers to a few questions. I would gladly place your name as a source in
the paper. Any help that I can get would be great.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Oct 1994 11:25:33 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yes, they *are* lying little weasels...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: kole@hydra.convex.com (John P. Kole)
Forwarded-by: cavasin@bach.convex.com (Vince Cavasin)
CRIME BILL RETURNS
Supporters of the crime bill swore it wasn't pork and would
target crime-ridden areas. The first $200 million has been
divvied up among 392 communities. There are several dubious
recipients, but none more interesting than Moffett, Oklahoma,
population 340. [No, that's not a typo. It's 340.]
It received $106,000 to hire policemen. Moffett has no police
department and no need other than on weekend nights. Town
officials wonder how they can possibly come up with the required
25% in matching funds. The town's annual budget is less than
$10,000.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Oct 94 12:04:36 PDT
From: Amber Luttrell <adl@guest.apple.com>
Subject: Yucks submission
To: spaf
>From Grolier's 1994 Guiness Multimedia Disc of Records:
Dancing: Worst dancing mania
Marathon dancing must be distinguished from choreomania (dancing
mania), or tarantism, which is a pathological condition. The worst
outbreak of the latter was at Aachen, Germany in July 1374, when
hordes of men and women broke into a frenzied and compulsive
choreomania in the streets. It lasted for many hours until injury
or complete exhaustion ensued.
[Disco fever! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 1994 12:24:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.uml.edu>
Subject: Yucks submissions go here?
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
My mother went through a pacemaker implantation operation last week.
After the procedure, the surgeon came in to talk about the device and
also gave us a packet with information about the pacemeker. Right on
top was the "LIFETIME WARRANTEE".
(sort of like a money back guarantee on a parachute?)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 07:29:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Kenneth R Swanson, Thaumaturges Apprentice" <kswanson@pafosu1.hq.af.mil>
To: jbowyer@selma.hq.af.mil (Jill Bowyer)
I just read the YUCKS digest from last week. I noticed the section on
software for the F-16. The part about rasing the landing gear while still
on the ground is false. It is physically impossible to raise the landing
gear while on the runway. You can however significantly lower the air frame.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------