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Yucks Digest V3 #37 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 13 Dec 93 Volume 3 : Issue 37
Today's Topics:
Afta Nafta
a nice little C program for the holidays.
Can you tell these people have too much time on their hands?
Clever Pranks
Conservation of gravity
Credit Where It's Due
Driver Education
future chocolate
Holy Cow!
How many Newtons to screw in lightbulb?
in the "too much free time" category...
jingle bells...
News Flash !
NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE
Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
QOTD
Quote of the day (5 msgs)
REALLY modern operating systems
seen on a public mailing list
Skull sockets and head attachments
Something stinks!! (fwd)
Stones per royal firkin
The Write Slave Trade
Those whacky Russians
Today's Meditation
vendor training doc quote
What a terrible way to bite it...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1993 17:28:13 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: Afta Nafta
To: eniac
Item in the Seattle Times tonight:
"Locally, Topolino's Pizza at 1522 Third Ave. has added a Nafta pizza to
its menu. It features jalapeno peppers, American cheese and Canadian
bacon. One drawback: one cook, a Nafta opponent, refuses to concoct
one."
Mused I, perhaps it's not because he's an opponent of Nafta but because he
has too much integrity as a cook to use American cheese. A better choice
might be Canadian cheddar, which is delicious, and Virginia ham. --But,
maybe the use of Virginia ham would put the pizza beyond the means of the
ordinary consumer...
Wait a minute: am I onto something here?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 14:15:03 -0500
From: russo (Vincent F. Russo)
Subject: a nice little C program for the holidays.
To: comer, knapp, spaf, young
This won an obfuscated C contest. Maybe we should give it
to our [CS] 180 students to show them *quality* C code? :-)
--Vince
/*
LEAST LIKELY TO COMPILE SUCCESSFULLY:
Ian Phillipps, Cambridge Consultants Ltd., Cambridge, England
An appropriate program for December 25th, this consists primarily of
calls to main() combined by a lot of the ternary conditional (?:)
operators. Have you ever seen a more forceful return? The judges note
that this program looked like what you would get by pounding on the keys
of a type writer at random.
*/
#include <stdio.h>
main(t,_,a)
char
*
a;
{
return!
0<t?
t<3?
main(-79,-13,a+
main(-87,1-_,
main(-86, 0, a+1 )
+a)):
1,
t<_?
main(t+1, _, a )
:3,
main ( -94, -27+t, a )
&&t == 2 ?_
<13 ?
main ( 2, _+1, "%s %d %d\n" )
:9:16:
t<0?
t<-72?
main( _, t,
"@n'+,#'/*{}w+/w#cdnr/+,{}r/*de}+,/*{*+,/w{%+,/w#q#n+,/#{l,+,/n{n+,/+#n+,/#;\
#q#n+,/+k#;*+,/'r :'d*'3,}{w+K w'K:'+}e#';dq#'l q#'+d'K#!/+k#;\
q#'r}eKK#}w'r}eKK{nl]'/#;#q#n'){)#}w'){){nl]'/+#n';d}rw' i;# ){nl]!/n{n#'; \
r{#w'r nc{nl]'/#{l,+'K {rw' iK{;[{nl]'/w#q#\
\
n'wk nw' iwk{KK{nl]!/w{%'l##w#' i; :{nl]'/*{q#'ld;r'}{nlwb!/*de}'c ;;\
{nl'-{}rw]'/+,}##'*}#nc,',#nw]'/+kd'+e}+;\
#'rdq#w! nr'/ ') }+}{rl#'{n' ')# }'+}##(!!/")
:
t<-50?
_==*a ?
putchar(31[a]):
main(-65,_,a+1)
:
main((*a == '/') + t, _, a + 1 )
:
0<t?
main ( 2, 2 , "%s")
:*a=='/'||
main(0,
main(-61,*a, "!ek;dc i@bK'(q)-[w]*%n+r3#l,{}:\nuwloca-O;m .vpbks,fxntdCeghiry")
,a+1);}
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1993 12:34:48 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Can you tell these people have too much time on their hands?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS UP VIA THE INTERNET
[PRESS RELEASE]
Dec. 7, 1993 - Employees of Cygnus Support in Mountain View,
California, discovered when they came to work today that they can
light the company Christmas tree without leaving their computer
consoles. Engineers at this four-year-old software startup last night
reprogrammed the company's internal computer network to enable users
of the network to issue commands to the decorations on the tree.
A Cygnus engineer sits in front of his Unix XWindows
workstation and brings up a windowed, mouse-drive application called
"xmastree". Clicking the mouse over the correct gadget turns on
lights on the seven-and-one-half foot tall evergreen in the
lobby of Cygnus Headquarters. Clicking the mouse over another gadget
turns other decorations, including bubble lights and musical bells, on
or off.
Currently, only users on Cygnus's internal network can
actually control the Christmas tree, but anyone at any Internet site
anywhere can discover the current status of the Cygnus christmas tree
by issuing the command, "finger xmastree@cygnus.com". The command will
report whether the lights, bubbles, and bells are on or off.
Cygnus engineers, when not playing with their Christmas toys,
write and maintain software tools such as compilers, tools which enable
programmers to create new computer programs. Since many of Cygnus' customers
are engaged in embedded systems programming, Cygnus uses X-10 controllers
to enable and disable target single board computers during testing.
"Cygnoids" Jason Molenda and Brian Smith extended the principle to the
Christmas tree this year and added the spiffy graphical user interface
called "xmastree" for the amusement of their fellow employees.
The cost of the decorations plus control hardware used on the
tree itself (exclusive of the computers on the Cygnus network) was
about $100.
[Keith took away my comment in his subject line. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1993 14:38:43 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Clever Pranks
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
>From a Washington Post Contest of a few weeks ago:
Replace the carbon monoxide in Dr. Kevorkian's tank with helium.
Construct an authentic-looking Denver boot and drive around
Washington with it on your car.
On the day that Disney's new theme park opens arrive there with
lots of small nuts and bolts in your pockets. Every time you go
on a ride, fling hardware from it.
Dress up as Barney, go to the mall, tell kids that Santa isn't
coming because Barney ripped his head off.
Get a number of cats with the same colors and markings as Socks.
Release them at various points on the block surrounding the White
House. Watch the tourists and secret service scramble.
Contact CNN at Noon on Thanksgiving day and tell them that the
little pop-up thermometers on frozen turkeys whave been discovered
to be used hypodermic needles.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Dec 93 09:01:11 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: Conservation of gravity
To: spaf
Signature found lurking in....
> Newsgroups: misc.consumers.house
> From: atl@cray.com (Anthony Laundrie {x66591 CF/DEV})
> ============================================================================
> Tony Laundrie
>
> Conserve Gravity! Use paper currency instead of coins. Do not fill your gas
> tank all the way up. Do not collect rocks. Place books, dishes, and other
> household items on lower shelves. Take useless keys off your key ring. Do
> not bowl. Move to a lower altitude. Don't fly, walk.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1993 20:52:00 -0459
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Credit Where It's Due
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Marie Eaton <eaton@henson.cc.wwu.edu>
The National Rifle Association's Good Neighbor Award for 1993 went to
the thoughtful Mark Jones, who had the forsight to put a silencer on
his M111 assault rifle when the rabbit he was hunting ran into the local
library. Good job Mark!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 93 18:07:30 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: Driver Education
To: spaf
> From: pgilmart@nyx.cs.du.edu (Paul Gilmartin)
> Summary: Teach traditional values instead
>
> The number one killer of young Americans is the automobile.
> However, the Secular Humanists dominating our schools refuse
> to acknowledge that the only safe driving is abtinence from
> driving. Instead, they advocate courses in "Driver Education",
> in which teenagers are taught "Safe Driving", and no
> attention is given to traditional values. They are even
> taught the use of "Seat Belts" (and some classes even give
> explicit demonstrations of the proper method of applying these
> belts!) with, at best, a passing mention that the protection
> provided by these belts is only partial. Clearly, this sends
> a mixed message to our young people: it appears to condone
> driving, and the more inquisitive will surely feel encouraged
> to experiment with driving.
>
> Stop the wanton slaughter! Contact your school board member
> and insist that driving be taught in the family, in a climate
> where the moral implications are not overlooked; not in the
> schools where hedonistic instructors teach driving as a
> mere form of pleasure.
------------------------------
Date: 7 Dec 93 15:17:00 EST
From: "SANDE WALLFESH" <WALLFESH@vax3.drc.com>
Subject: future chocolate
To: "rissa" <rissa@world.std.com>
UK Patent application GB 2 266 217 A
"Processes for producing low-calorie chocolate
having cholesterol reducing effects in blood."
Inventors:
Takashi Yamamoto
Hirokazu Maeda
Ryuji Yoshida
Toshiyaki Aoyama
of Fuji Oil Company.
[Sounded great until... Fuji Oil? "Gimme a 10w-40 with almonds,
please." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 93 16:05:37 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Holy Cow!
To: spaf
December figures from the International Monetary Fund reveal that
the U.S overnment's subsidy to the dairy industry in 1986 worked
out to $1,139 for every cow in the country. (That is the greater
than the average annual income for half the world's population.)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 06:01:35 GMT
From: thams@netcom.com (Kurt Thams)
Subject: How many Newtons to screw in lightbulb?
Q: How many Apple Newtons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
[Does anybody out there have a Newton and *like* it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 93 14:22:47 CST
From: rex@iquery.iqsc.com (Rex Black)
Subject: in the "too much free time" category...
To: spaf
> From: Ivan Campbell @ LOTUSINT
> Date: 12/06/93 06:50:13 AM
> Subject: Nintendo eat your heart out ??
>
> Hi Rich,
> Here is a novel game that is guaranteed to shorten those long winter evenings !!
>
> This is really something for a rainy/snowy day, so long as you're equipped
> with the essentials. What you need is a microwave oven, some grapes,
> a small measure of sunflower oil and some friends with which to
> compete.
>
> The idea is thus. Firstly, if the microwave is of the type that has
> one of those silly rotating dish-like things, which rotates your food
> to make sure it gets cooked evenly, then TAKE IT OUT and THROW IT
> AWAY. You won't need it for this game and, if you get addicted
> enough, you probably won't use your microwave for anything else, so
> you won't need that dish thing ever again. OK, next, lightly cover
> the floor of the oven with a SMALL amount of sunflower oil. Just
> generally spread it about, to make a thin, lubricating layer, on
> which
> a grape may skate about. Try it with a practice grape to make sure
> you've got it right. Then, line up a number of grapes at one side of
> the oven, with one grape corresponding to each player. Important tip
> here - MAKE SURE THAT THE END WITH THE HOLE IN IT IS POINTING AT THE
> WALL. This is really quite fundamentally important. Next, lay bets
> -
> or whatever - on your grape, that it will win/lose/finish in a
> particular position or state/whatever. Then, set the microwave to
> full power, and switch on. What happens is that the inside of the
> grape heats up, liquifies, and acts as a jet propellant to push the
> grape along the lubricated floor of the microwave as it shoots out
> the
> hole at the back. Thus, each grape travels with varying degrees of
> speed and/or success across the floor. The first to reach the other
> side of the oven is judged to be the winner, or, failing this, the
> one
> to travel the furthest. Some grapes don't make it even this far, and
> either shrivel up or explode messily on the starting line, but this
> just adds to the fun. Remember to switch off the microwave and
> remove
> the competitors before replacing them for the next round.
>
> The game can be varied according to players and their individual
> tastes, like "Stunt Grapes" where the grape must perform a task like
> jumping over other grapes, etc. These, and other variations, should
> keep you and your friends amused for hours.
[Grapes are definitely on the shopping list now. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: ebp4907@ultb.isc.rit.edu (E.B. Palmer)
Subject: jingle bells...
Newsgroups: alt.religion.santaism
Given the propensity for so many people to read "satanism" for
"santaism" in this group, this seems particularly appropriate:
With apologies to whoever it is who wrote _Jingle_Bells_...
Thrashing through the snow
In a seven-demon sleigh
Running over priests
Laughing all the way (evil chuckle -- har har har)
Bells on barbtails ring
making spirits blight
What fun it is to slash and sing
Santa dies tonight
Oh Santa dies, gouge his eyes
Oh what misery
He won't come to visit you with
Presents for the tree
Now he's dead, there's his head
Rolling down the street
Demons playing soccer with their
Little cloven feet
Now Santa made a deal
With Lucifer last night
But it seems that Santa made
A tiny oversight
The contract was brought out
And Santa read it well
But he didn't read the part that said
He'd give his soul to Hell
Oh flames of sin now begin
Red suit burning bright
Little boys and girls won't get their
Gifts on Christmas night
Burning flesh, nice and fresh
With a flaming sash
Satan is the ruler here
And so Shemhamforash
[Some people have too much time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1993 13:23:44 -0500 (EST)
From: alan@qsss08.gs.com (Alan Buckwalter - x5586)
Subject: News Flash !
Following the lead of current events, the hard work of our
Washington Law Makers, and the Christmas Shopping Spirit,
Toy's R Us has adopted the policy of a 5 day waiting period
on all toy guns purchased for children. The are calling this
"The Brady Bunch Bill".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 13:08:58 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Paul Borman <prb@random.cray.com>
Subject: Re: MEN IN TREES
> NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE
> No verb this sentence.
Ah, but it does, "LEFT" is a verb. Obviously once a truck ends up in this
lane, some magical force keeps it there and if you want to pass it *you* are
going to have to leave the lane. Doesn't mention what happens when you
see:
LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1993 10:48:53 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
BC-BRITAIN-TITLES ``NUDE MICE'' BOOK ROMPS HOME WITH ODDEST TITLE
LONDON (Reuter) - ``Proceedings of the Second International
Workshop on Nude Mice,'' a work resulting from a symposium on
the health of mice and published by the University of Tokyo
Press, has won the Oddest of the Odd Book Title award.
The award, presented by Britain's Bookseller magazine and
announced in Saturday's Times newspaper, was won by the work
despite strong competition from such titles as ``Big and Very
Big Hole Drilling'' and ``Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian
Personality.''
Other challengers included ``The Joy of Chickens,''
``Versailles: the View from Sweden'' and ``How to Avoid Big
Ships.''
Louis Baum, editor of the Bookseller, said: ``We are strong
believers in the therapeutic qualities of oddity. It provides a
little bit of sanity in the world.''
[Amen to therapeutic oddity! That's what Yucks is all about... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1993 11:33:48 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Solaris 2.1: It's slow, needs 200M of disk space and comes without
a C compiler, which makes it remarkably close to MS-Windows.
-- oleg@gd.cs.csufresno.edu
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from _The Brothers Karamazov_.
"There are so many different ways a man may seem funny
to someone else. Especially these days when everyone
who has any talent seems to be morbidly afraid that he
may appear ridiculous. That's why so many gifted people
are unhappy."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 93 05:50:09 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"When people got angry at you, they'd yell, 'Oh, yeah? Well, food you.
Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.' Punks in passing cars would flip
you the fork. Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Foreplay would be listed as menu selection. Vegetarians would be
prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the
Bay Area. Most suburban schools would ban home economics.
Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell children not to play with their food or they'll go
blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them
marinating."
- San Francisco comic Will Durst muses on what life would be like if
food were "dirty" and sex were "clean".
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Dec 93 05:50:07 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
A friend of mine sent this to me:
From the Social Studies section of today's Globe & Mail:
Barney the dinosaur, a popular children's character on television,
has been branded a New-Age demon in a booklet by radio-minister
Rev. Joseph Chambers of North Carolina. In an interview with Cox
News Services, Mr. Chambers said the purple dinosaur is yet another
sign that "America is under seige from the powers of darkness," and
pointed out that "Barney is very much politically correct and
liberal in its agenda."
And I thought Bill Gates was the anti-christ.
(Chris Beck, chris@ie.utoronto.ca)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 93 05:50:02 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
[From: CompuServe]
'UNFAITHFULNESS WITH A COMPUTER' ALLEGED IN DIVORCE PETITION
(Nov. 23)
An Israeli man seeks a divorce, alleging his wife was unfaithful
because of her use of "filthy computer games."
The French Agence France-Press International News Service reports the
unidentified man said in a written plea to a Tel Aviv rabbinical court,
"My wife watches a lot of porn movies and what's more she likes to cheat
on me in her thoughts by playing filthy computer games."
He added, "There is no difference between a woman who has a physical
relationship with other men and a woman who imagines it."
The petition called the wife a "theoretical adulteress."
Says AFP, "If the court accepts that the woman has committed adultery,
divorce is granted automatically in Israel where rabbis have a monopoly
on marriage, divorce and burial for Jews, practicing or not."
--Charles Bowen
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Dec 93 05:50:03 MST
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"`The Macintosh helps students write faster and more neatly,' says
English Department Chair Marlene Bosanko. `Because it's designed to
work like the human brain, a student can be up and running in just a
few minutes.'"
- from the Tacoma Community College Catalogue
[My brain usually isn't up and running until after noon... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 93 19:35:47 MST
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: REALLY modern operating systems
To: spaf
in class the other day, i was discussing mechanisms for the command
interpreter process to communicate command options to the different
commands. the following exchange took place...
Prof: How should the command interpreter communicate command
options to the command?
USIB: (Unidentified student in back of room) "FAX it"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1993 14:53:54 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: seen on a public mailing list
To: spaf
Date: 09 Dec 1993 [....]
From: [deleted]
Subject: [....]
To: [....]
Cc: [mailing list with 500+ members]
[Dear J. Random]-
Treat the following as TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL. it is a partial paper,
which shows a new school of analytic approach to [mumble]. Several
related papers are in the works, so stay in touch. Again, do not
share this with *anyone* without my explicit permission. Thank you!
[postscript deleted]
[This is a clear example of "unclear on the concept." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 3 Dec 1993 07:41:47 GMT
From: jmacleod@unixg.ubc.ca (James Macleod)
Subject: Skull sockets and head attachments
Does anyone know if there is a special kind of metal that is used
inside the body? Is it a special alloy made for this purpose?
I am interested in having a screw-in-socket placed in my forehead
above the nose. It would be neat to screw in my sunglasses for
running and mountain biking. It would also be good for attaching a
light for soldering and stuff like that.
Is there a particular 'hi-tech' metal that would be used for this
purpose?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 93 13:34:27 CET
From: pete@nssg.eurocontrol.fr (Peter Hullah)
Subject: Something stinks!! (fwd)
To: harriers@usc.edu (Hash Net)
Hi wankers,
This is an amusing but real memo that was
received by one of our contractors at a
site in the UK, and then forwarded to me.
Male Toilet Facilities in the Main Building
The over indulgence in strongly flavoured foods by some male employees is
evident from time to time by the rich quality of the air in the entrance
hall outside the ground floor toilet in the main building. In general,
other people (most of all visitors to the Company) do not appreciate sharing
the gastronomic after effects of colleagues whose dietary delights extend
somewhat beyond what might be described as plain food.
To alleviate this problem, which affects an area used by everyone entering
the building, all employees requiring to use the WC (as distinct from the
urinal) are requested to use the one located on the second floor - next to
Al's office! The one on the ground floor will be reserved for the use of
visitors only.
Whilst the problem has its humorous side, it is also a serious one which
affects the Company's image and your co-operation in observing the new
arrangements is urgently requested.
On-On
Towering Infernal
[I wonder what Al did to earn that coveted office? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 93 11:15:02 CST
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: Stones per royal firkin
To: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic), spaf
Keith & Gene,
Isn't history wonderful? I pondered the "Stones per royal firkin"
message recently distributed by both /dev/null and Spaf's Yucks list.
The line that most intrigued me was:
> Contributed by: uiucdcsb!mcdaniel
Why, the guy across the hall, Tim McDaniel, used to be at UI...
Hmm... So I asked him. Here's his response:
> From: mcdaniel@mozart.convex.com (Tim McDaniel)
> To: loeliger@bach.convex.com
> Subject: Re: Haunting history?
> Date: Thu, 2 Dec 93 10:22:46 -0600
> _________________________________________________________________________
> Dead GOD! Actually, that's a typo: I meant "Dear GOD!".
> Yes, I was uiucdcsb!mcdaniel. Amazing that that ancient article
> (nearly a decade old?) would still be floating around.
[The net has a long memory.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1993 11:30:07 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Write Slave Trade
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 93 22:46:45 -0800
They came in a large caravan of unmarked U-Haul trucks, carrying shotguns
and electric cattle prods. Me they got at the Chicago MLA meeting, others
at poetry workshops or writing seminars all across the midwest. A couple
of poor slobs here claim they got the entire Ohio State English department,
and I believe it. There's a big demand these days for cheap writers, and
that means a pretty price for the slavers.
One thing you got to give the slavers, they are an efficient and
businesslike bunch. Like the way they got me: gunmen were placed at every
exit of the big lecture hall except one, and when they started firing we
stampeded out the unguarded exit right into their trucks. They must have
got about two hundred of us in less than ten minutes.
And another thing: when they took us out of the trucks, they tied our hands
carefully with nylon ropes, not handcuffs or anything like that. It just
wouldn't do to hurt our oh so precious hands.
So now I'm in line, waiting for the block. If I'm lucky, I'll be bought by
one of the Harlequin conglomerates. Sure, they expect the output of a
Stephen King, but they're lax on quality control; I could pump out drivel
for years without firing a neuron. Worst would be copy editing for some
Hyperprint rag. Severe beatings are routine for shoddy work, to say nothing
of what would happen if a typo was published.
But odds are I'll be bought for technical writing, thrown into a basement
with all the others, and chained to a wordprocessor to produce manual after
dreary manual. An editor in the front of the room, and a slave master in
back, making sure my wpm doesn't fall too low. After a couple of years of
that, you start to dream about getting CTS. At least then, they would take
you out back and kill you quickly with a shot to the head, like you were a
lame horse.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1993 20:53:35 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Those whacky Russians
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
>From the BBC World Service, News Hour, Dec 13, 1993:
Vladimir Dzuranowski, the extreme nationalist leader of the new Russian
Liberal Democrat party, who the Russian people appear to have given the
greatest mandate to, in this weekend's parliamentary electons, received
his vote by spending the entire half hour of his Party Political
Broadcast talking about his sex life, while other canditates were
discussing their political policies. Analysts say Dzuranowski has won
because of his common appeal.
Most Russian voters are probably not aware of some of the less-discussed
parts of the Liberal Democrat party manifesto. These include Dzuranowski's
plan to annex Finland, to execute leaders of crime gangs, as well as gays,
blacks, and Jews, to dump spent nuclear waste on the borders of the Baltic
states, and to sell nuclear arms to Saddam Hussein.
[Yeltsin wanted to replace hard-line communists for this? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 93 13:47:07 EST
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Today's Meditation
To: eniac
Discovered in comp.unix.wizards,talk.religion.misc.
From: mvs@cs.su.oz.au (Mark V. Shaney)
Organization: Basser Dept of Computer Science, University of Sydney, Australia
Date: 8 Dec 93 01:36:22 EST
Subject: I would like to be present everywhere.
Newsgroups: comp.unix.wizards,talk.religion.misc
Keywords: frogs
Grace is the "update" program, which simply issues a sync system call.
To do an outbound call you should be able to say that I believe that God
wants him to set up an alternative mailbox for these files. I've
received two pieces of email that imply that somebody recently posted
the entire world with a flood to remove all rational obstacles to
believing something revealed by God. I have to pass a tuple containing
the existing Unix technology.
This is supported by Jesus's use of low cost eight bit micros and small
amounts of RAM. And even if she believed hard enough and REALLY gave her
soul to God through grace, "not by works, so that make can cope with the
above system calls and library functions do NOT have identical
semantics. For example, start with Plan 9, which is free of sin, the
case is different from His perspective.
Female clergy are widely but not quite. I have modified the "standard"
Berkley ftpd to allow for various types of failures in Scripture.
That's not very important, because the deception of one being good
entails being loving, merciful, just, and many other names; one per
symbolic link. For the sinner deserves not life,but death, according to
the disk devices. the Roman Church has always been a part of a file
system semantics It speaks of the original ftpd.
Geoff modified relaynews to write an essay on prayer. On a SVR4, I am
interested in building a list of names and addresses to be in the name
of Martin Luther, who led the religious reformation of the HP Laserjet
..with a God who, Paul believes, is constantly concerned with the
current FFS implementation. Nevertheless, I vote no because I believe we
CAN build robust, reliable, and secure systems with the Lord.
_-_-_ Mark
[For those of you who haven't been on the net as long as some of us (mumble, mumble),
Mark V. Shaney is a nifty little program that scrambles words and phrases from
various posting threads in a newsgroup and then forms them into an article.
Back in the early days, "Mark" was seen by some as a very sly critic of the net,
or an idiot savant, or a damned nuisance. He was all 3, of course. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1993 23:01:57 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: vendor training doc quote
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
This is from a major vendor's training doc specification
which has *nothing* to do with physics or nuclear energy.
| The classroom must conform to AEC specifications.
I knew sitting in front of their monitors was dangerous!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 93 22:08:29 PST
From: (null)
Subject: What a terrible way to bite it...
To: Chief Yuckster <spaf>
>Newsgroups: rec.skiing
>From: dai@kevlar.webo.dg.com (David Iwatsuki)
>Wonder if ski areas will start going after people for modifying the groomed
>runs (re: the people building their own jump ramps, etc).
>Back in the mid-west a while back there was a case of someone building a snow
>man in the middle of a sledding hill. The next day someone thought it would be
>fun to crash it on a toboggan. Unfortunately it had frozen and they were killed.
>Hope I don't have such an undignified death...
[Sounds like the making of an urban legend to me. Then again, I once
thought about building a snowman around a fence post to frustrate
neighborhood kids who liked to knock snowmen over... Think what you
could do with a good size rock or tree stump. --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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