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Yucks Digest V3 #28 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 26 Aug 93 Volume 3 : Issue 28
Today's Topics:
20 naked Pentecostals crammed in car flee the devil
[fwd: Todd Nix] Tree trimmer's death ruled suicide by chainsaw (fwd)
_Evil_ Country Lyrics
alt.polynomials exists for people with multiple terms
appliances in drag
Bringing new meaning to 'fitness for trial'
Bush war record questioned
Careers in Computers
cutie
Fortune Cookie
from Harpers Index (September)
fun with webster's dictionary...
Give a machine a name
Hardware comparisons
Identifying bad AA N
I stink therefore I am?
Let us not quibble about who killed who
mildly amusing road sign (2 msgs)
newphew and a large butt...
Pedestrian killed by squid
Plutonium Safe Sex Guide
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
Safe (for the manufacturer) warranties
Some More `Deep Thoughts...'
There's nuts among the berries Dept. (fwd)
The world was created only 5,753 years ago
Where's everybody?
Woody Allen moves to India...
Yes!
yet another barney-bashing post.
Yucks stuff
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 93 07:33:12 EDT
From: <ellenberger@tle.enet.dec.com>
Subject: 20 naked Pentecostals crammed in car flee the devil
VINTON, La. (UPI) - A Pentecostal minister from Floydada, Texas
remained jailed in Louisiana Friday on numerous charges after driving a
car crammed with 20 naked followers through the city at 90 miles per
hour.
Police in Vinton, La. said they were surprised when they stopped a
speeding Pontiac Grand Am Thursday and the Rev. Sammy Rodriguez emerged
wearing just a towel, only to get back behind the wheel and speed off.
But they were downright flabbergasted a few moments later when the
car crashed, forcing 20 people - all of them nude - to climb out of the
vehicle in a baseball field. None of the passengers was seriously hurt.
Patrolman Johnnie Vice said Rodriguez claimed God told the people to
take off their clothes to shed themselves of the devil's influence.
Rodriguez is scheduled to be arraigned Saturday on a host of traffic
violations and may be charged with endangerment because of the danger he
posed to his passengers, Vice said. The others spent the night at a
church and were awaiting the arrival of relatives from Floydada.
Police said that the preacher told them he believed the devil was
after them, so they left Floydada Tuesday in a caravan of six cars.
Vice said ``They got to San Antonio and God told them San Antonio was
a devil town and to take off their clothes.'' They abandoned the other
cars, he said.
He said the carload of people, who ranged in age from 1 year to 65,
was headed for a church somewhere in Florida.
Said Vice: ``I've been at this job 21 years and I've never seen
nothin' like this. Never in my life. It's like a dream, especially when
you see this many people get out of a vehicle naked.''
[I sure hope they didn't have vinyl seats.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 13:52:58 PDT
From: petonic@hal.com (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: [fwd: Todd Nix] Tree trimmer's death ruled suicide by chainsaw (fwd)
To: Chief Yuckster <spaf>
TRUCKEE, Calif. (UPI) -- Northern California authorities said
Wednesday a tree trimmer found dead in June killed himself with his own
chainsaw -- the first such incident in the United States.
The Nevada County Sheriff's Department said an extensive
investigation completed this week by the state Department of Justice
found Richard Possehl, 27, of Truckee took his own life June 27 by
nearly severing his head with the power saw.
Deputies said it was the first recorded suicide-by-chainsaw in the
nation, and only the second in the world. The other incident was
reported in Russia.
Authorities originally investigated the death as a homicide after
Possehl's body and his chainsaw were found next to his truck near a
cemetery.
But a state investigation found no other fingerprints on the
equipment, and a reenactment with a mannequin found it was indeed
possible to commit suicide with a chainsaw.
Officials said they have yet to find a motive.
[He trimmed a bit too close to the trunk on that last one... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1993 19:37:03 -0800
From: nfitch@ucsd.edu (Nick Fitch)
Subject: _Evil_ Country Lyrics
Newsgroups: soc.motss
In article <1993Aug17.011536.6977@gordian.com>, mike@gordian.com (Michael
A. Thomas) wrote:
> Heavens. I think I'm having a Maalox moment. Country
> music? What is the world coming to? Next you'll be moving
> Terry Bartlet aside in the gay rodeo (in the Bull event no
> doubt). Worse, you'll not only know how to spell Copenhagen,
> you'll be giving us surveys of the best chaw.
> Have you heard the wonderful (bear with me) Xmas song
> _Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer_? Sublime, I tell you.
No, but have you heard comedian Billy Connolly's 'Country and Western
Supersong'? Composed after an exhaustive study of the content of C&W - to
whit: adorable children, death, close family members, death, physical
disability, death, religion and death - it's called "My Grandmother Drowned
in the Grotto at Lourdes (Because a Hunchback Pushed Her In)".
It tells of what happened one evening when wheelchair-bound granny was
being taken for her daily constitutional along the ridge of a cliff:
"..Now the boy who was pushing that wheelchair
Was a little, blind orphan called Joe
And he cried 'Oh, where is my granny?
And where the hell did that damn wheelchair go?'.."
And it gets progressively worse.
Wonderful stuff.
[Anybody know where they could get a copy for me? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 93 3:25:01 EDT
From: hudel@waterloo.hp.com (Christopher Hudel)
Subject: alt.polynomials exists for people with multiple terms
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[After reading the *regulary posted* alt.poly advertisement before putting
it in my kill file, I felt so inclined to compose the following -- please,
no flames, I'm not trying to make fun of anybody.]
The group alt.polynomials is for discussions about those with multiple
terms. If you're interested in this subject, please check it out. If
your site does not carry the group, either write your news administrator
or request that it be added, or send me email and I'll see what I can do.
There is also a group, alt.functions.poly, used for advertising the
functions offerred by the many-nomial culture.
Polynomial is a word, recently cointed, intended to connotate "multiple
terms", which follows pretty directly from poly and nomial. However,
people on the group have many different viewpoints. Some invovled are
interested in algebraic relationships with 3 or more terms within a
specific set. Some are more casual. Some find that one term ends up
being their primary one and others, secondary. Others find that all
terms can be equal. Some are joined, some are anded. Most believe
that truth and openness between all involved is of paramount importance.
Please don't drop by if all you want to do is flame. Yes, we are aware
that monomials exist. Yes, we are aware that many people are happier
with single terms. Congratulations. Go do your thing, and we'll do ours.
We are also aware that having multiple "nomials" presents a calculated
risk compared to having precisely one faithful term. Practice safe
computations of your polynomial relationships and be honest with your
paterner about your activities.
Followups are directed towards soc.algebra. If you don't want to see this
message, add the subject to your kill file; it doesn't change.
[This, of course, is derivative humor, calculated to be funny. I'll leave
out the puns on the joy of sets and other root comments... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 14 Aug 1993 16:30:45 -0400
From: amz@cis.ohio-state.edu (Arnold M Zwicky)
Subject: appliances in drag
Newsgroups: soc.motss
a little while ago i was removing the halo of hair from my ears [they
never told me about *this* feature of aging when i was a tad!] with my
panasonic "cosmetic groomer for men", a handy little battery-operated
shaver that jacques got for me a few years ago. i noticed that the
side of the handle with the label on it had gotten dirty and somewhat
yucky, and then realized that the label was pasted on rather than
printed onto or into the plastic. so i just stripped it off, and
discovered the *real* label underneath, in flowing pink script
impressed into the plastic: Eyebrow Shaper.
it was a women's appliance in male drag.
i like it even more now.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 17:31:28 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bringing new meaning to 'fitness for trial'
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Plastic Surgeon Shot by Defender of "Aryan Beauty" yjll
Chicago (Reuter) - a white supremacist motivated by his
hatred for anyone "feeding off aryan beauty" has confessed to
the execution-style killings of a Chicago-area plastic surgeon
and a San francisco hairdresser, officials said on Tuesday.
Jonathan Haynes, 34, will undergo psychological testing to
determine his fitness for trial in the killing of Dr. Martin
Sullivan, whom witnesses say he gunned down on Friday.
In a suburban Chicago court on Monday, the dark-haired
Haynes, who refused a lawyer's services, said: "I condemn fake
Aryan cosmetics. I condemn bleached blond hair, tinted blue
eyes and fake facial features brought by plastic surgery."
[Chicago? Sounds like he should have gone to Hollywood. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 17:33:51 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bush war record questioned
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Bush War Record Questioned yjcy
New York (Reuter) - Harper's magazine said on Monday that
a World War Two document indicated that former U.S. President
George Bush may have committed a war crime when he was a
bomber pilot and that the U.S. media declined to report the
document's existence during the 1992 presidential campaign.
The document is a previously classified "aircraft action
report" on a bombing run in the South Pacific in which a
Japanese trawler ferrying military supplies to a
Japanese-controlled island was sunk by U.S. Navy planes,
including a bomber piloted by Bush. It says bombers involved
in the attack strafed lifeboats, breaking international law.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1993 11:21:26 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Careers in Computers
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Scott_Forstall (Scott Forstall)
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 93 16:01:37 -0700
Cosmopolitan Magazine, one of the few remaining bastions of hard-hitting
journalism, has done a piece titled 'Careers in Computers' in their August
issue on how to get a job in the high-tech industry. Some excerpts:
[title]
"Careers in Computers -- No longer for nerds only, this heady,
high-tech world is where brilliant, sexy dynamos work, play, earn
megabucks!"
"There are *some* classic nerds, complete with plastic pocket pen
holder, but many in the field are intelligent and *hunky*! You'll find
them at computer conferences, seminars, expos and users' group
meetings. (Any business in which a major player is named Rod Canion --
founder and former CEO of computer manufacturer Compaq -- can't be
bad!) And a woman who sparkles when she's discussing megabytes and
hard drives can have her pick of the pack."
[sidebar]
"CompuSpeak Glossary -- Communicate with handsome computer jocks in
*their language*. Here's a quick guide to basic terms."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Aug 93 04:30:53 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: mako!davidl
You may recall the 1950's horror flick "The Giant Mantis," in which a
747-sized praying mantis terrorized the world. In the end, of course,
the mantis met its end, but you've probably never heard what happened
afterward.
The city authorities wanted to chop the gigantic corpse up and make it
into fertilizer. However, some entomologists wanted to study the
thing. One entomologist went so far as to fling down his body in front
of the mulcher. He was arrested for creating a nuisance, but at the
trial he was found not guilty by reason of insanity...
Non Compost Mantis.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Aug 93 21:03:38 -0400
From: mgfrank@erebus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Fortune Cookie
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Today I got a fortune cookie that had two, count 'em, two fortunes in
it.
One reads
:-) The current year will bring you much happiness. :-)
(smileys included), and the other:
:-) He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable. :-)
Somehow, I am not reassured.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 93 21:26:40 EDT
From: The Dining Philosopher <kclark@ctron.com>
Subject: from Harpers Index (September)
To: spaf
Ratio of the number of Canadians who favor a U.S.-style health-care
system to those who believe Elvis is alive: 1:2
Number of Shemp Howard's canceled checks sold this year by Odyessey
Group in Corona, Califirnia, for $695 apiece: 37
Estimated number of cows it takes to supply
the 22,00 footballs the NFL uses each season: 3,000
Number of pigs: 0
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Aug 93 10:53:15 CDT
From: gatech!qasun.nde.swri.edu!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: fun with webster's dictionary...
To: spaf
While looking up the spelling of "phenomenal" today, I came across the
following in Webster's Dictionary:
phallus...[L, fr. Gk _phallos_ penis, representation of the penis -- more
at BLOW]...
Naturally, I was intrigued. (You know you're bored at work when...)
So, looking up "blow", sure enough, I found:
blow...[ME _blowen_, fr. OE _bla^H-wan_; akin to OHG _bla^H-en_ to blow,
L _flare_, Gk _phallos_ penis]
I read the definitions thoroughly, and failed to find what one might
expect. Is this some hidden prank, or does the staff at Webster's know
something that would have come in handy on my honeymoon?
[Yes, see "spatula". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1993 16:23:54 GMT
From: igb@fulcrum.co.uk (Ian G Batten)
Subject: Give a machine a name
In article <24tk4j$24d@spatula.csv.warwick.ac.uk> cudep@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Ian D
ickinson) writes:
> a) unspellable - especially by people for whom english isn't the 1st lingo.
So
72.169.112.193.in-addr.arpa. 86400 PTR zyxuzpf-bird.fulcrum.co.uk.
is right out, then?
ian
From: dpl@aber.ac.uk (Dave Langstaff)
In article <CBwxv8.227@festival.ed.ac.uk> richard@castle.ed.ac.uk (Richard Tobin) writes:
>In article <CBwvw1.5E4@festival.ed.ac.uk> fofp@festival.ed.ac.uk (M Holmes) writes:
>>: I'm looking for suggestions for names a lab of workstations.
>>Gods? Marvel Superheroes?
>
>How about Net-heroes (and villains) - rissa, spaff, johnson...
>
I can see it now.....
$In article <xyzzy.999@carasso.ed.ac.uk> tjp93@carasso.ed.ac.uk (Tony Peters)
$ writes:
$
$> Why does nobody take anything I write on the net seriously ??, and why
$> do they keep sending me core dumps ?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1993 09:00:51 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Hardware comparisons
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
<forwards shaken>
Subject: Mac vs. Etch-a-sketch: you decide
. __________
. | ______ |
.________ | | | |
| ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | |
|| || comparison. People | |______| |
||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | |
| o o | | _ _ _ _ _|
|________| (|__________|\
. | ________)_
Roger Earl [^] | |
roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|
After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,
similar to the other great computer wars.
Etch-A-Sketch Mac Classic
No. of Colours 2 2
Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342
No. of buttons 2 1
Preemptive Multitasking Yes No
Hardware line draw Yes No
Price < $20 ~ $1000
Power Consumption No Yes
Laptop Yes No
Slow Operating System No Yes
Non Volatile Memory Yes No
Choice of Coloured box Yes No
Robust design (shakeable) Yes No
After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.
For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the
Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact
be faster than the true E-A-S.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 05 Aug 1993 12:26:14 -0600
From: Burt.Kaufman@f40.n382.z1.fidonet.org (Burt Kaufman)
Subject: Identifying bad AA N
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.packet
-=> Quoting Bradley T Banko to All <=-
BTB> Is there an easy way to identify bad AA NiCad batteries?
BTB> (something that doesn't require any circuits other than a voltmeter?)
BTB> KB8CNE, Brad Banko
Bad ones wear black leather, have tattoos and hang out on street corners
late at night. Good ones have pocket protectors, black framed glasses
held together by tape, and a slide rule (okay calculator) hanging from
their belt. Sorry.
73 Magazine has had a couple of recent articles on NiCad Zapper/Testers.
Apparently, you charge them and use them. If they don't hold a charge,
you zap them with high current to fry internal "whiskers" that tend to
short them. THEN charge them and use them. You may have to do this
a couple of times.
See 73 Amateur Radio Today:
September 92 p. 24
May 93 p. 68.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 10:52:01 BST
From: Pete Mellor <pm@csr.city.ac.uk>
Subject: I stink therefore I am?
To: brian@rascal.ics.utexas.edu, csr@csr.city.ac.uk, daveg@misty.sara.fl.us, dhs@is.city.ac.uk, nigel@csr.city.ac.uk, padraig@slab.pr.erau.edu, rdd@cactus.org, robg@apple.com, shafer@cactus.org, werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu
I am assured that the following is true, and the statistic was one of the
findings from a perfectly serious survey conducted by the government
research organisation in the Netherlands, TNO. (I forget what it stands
for.) Naturally, I will request a copy of the report, but my informant
(who is Dutch) has not yet provided the reference.
The purpose of the survey was to identify factors which affect success
in job applications. The difference in percentage of successful applications
between the sample who did not wear deodorant for the interview, and those
who did, was 24% in favour of the smelly brigade.
This fascinating result raises all sorts of questions. Is the interviewer
affected consciously or unconciously? When inviting applicants for interview
for research posts, should we issue an instruction to ensure that they are
all competing on a level playing field? Is this why I got my job in CSR?
Perhaps there is a hidden factor at work, and maybe this could even be an
application of Simpson's paradox. ("If male, wear deodorant. If female,
wear deodorant. If male *or* female, *don't* wear deodorant.")
Perhaps we should include further research into this in our follow-up
project proposals (human factors and environmental effects? :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1993 16:55:44 -0800
From: nfitch@ucsd.edu (Nick Fitch)
Subject: Let us not quibble about who killed who
Newsgroups: soc.motss
In article <25e0ac$f7o@fitz.TC.Cornell.EDU>, shore@dinah.tc.cornell.edu
(Melinda Shore) wrote:
> []
> In Jim Peyton's book, "Zion's Cause," he has a story about
> igniting mule farts. I haven't tried it, myself. Apparently
> it startles the mule a considerable amount. I think the story
> is called "Mule Fire."
And in "The Book of Heroic Failures", Steven Pile recounts the true story
of the veterinarian called in to examine a poorly cow. Suspecting some
problem with intestinal fermentation, he inserted a tube into the cow's
fundament and put a lighted match to it.
The resulting explosion blew him backwards, torched several nearby
hay-bales and burned down the barn. The effects on the cow were
unreported.
[I'm sure the cow was also startled. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Aug 93 02:45:02 GMT
From: bcapps@agora.rain.com (boy brent)
Subject: mildly amusing road sign
Newsgroups: soc.motss
dmarzolf@s.psych.uiuc.edu (Don Marzolf) writes:
>Along I-94, between Chicago and Detroit, there is an exit called "Climax".
>I keep wondering if I should get off there.
From the Portland White Pages:
Boring Fire District
Boring Gutter Lady
Boring Hardware
Boring Machine Works
Boring Square Garden Center
Boring Tavern
Boring United Methodist Pioneer Chapel
Boring Water District
boy brent, who has Boring trees in his front yard too.
------------------------------
Date: 9 Aug 93 18:13:36 GMT
From: halat@panther.bear.com (Jim Halat)
Subject: mildly amusing road sign
Newsgroups: soc.motss
In Pennsylvania, there are three very tiny towns near Harrisburg. They
are called Intercourse, Paradise, and Blue Ball. What's particularly
interesting about them is when you see them located on a map,
geographically speaking, you notice that the quickest way to get from
Blue Ball to Paradise is through Intercourse.
[Yes, but you have to go almost to Chicago to Climax. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 93 16:26:18 EDT
From: gray@antaire.com (Gray Watson)
Subject: newphew and a large butt...
To: spaf
Saw this on MTV in the middle of the night. I can't credit the
excellent comedian who was on, so my sincere apologies:
----
My mother and I took my little nephew out to MacDonalds the other day.
He's 5 going on 6 and can be a real pest. We arrived at the
MacDonalds to find a large line ahead of us. The three of us got in
line behind this woman with ahh... an extremely large butt.
After a minute or so my nephew starts to sort of bounce up and down.
Seeing this my mother immediately grabs him and takes him aside and
asks him if he needs to go to the bathroom. It seems that when 5-6
year olds get ansy like that, they either a) need to go to the
bathroom or b) are about to do something embarrassing. Well my nephew
said that he did not have to use the bathroom so my mother told him to
keep his mouth shut.
So there in line was this woman with a large butt and then my little
5-year-old nephew. So after another 30 seconds he starts getting ansy
again. I finally decide that another warning was in order, but before
I could grab him, the pager that the woman with the big butt was
wearing goes off and my nephew turns around and yells "LOOK-OUT!!
SHE'S BACKIN' UP!!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1993 18:36:30 GMT
From: jeq@lachman.com (Jonathan E. Quist)
Subject: Pedestrian killed by squid
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles
In article <24gmrv$jv2@bigboote.WPI.EDU> ravi@vanilla.WPI.EDU (Ravi Narayan) writes:
[something relevant]
> in an unrelated event,
Ah, that's better. You had us worried, Ravi.
> ...two motorcyclists robbed a toll booth on
> the george washington bridge (pointed a knife, i think, at the
> toll keeper) and got away with about $5000.
Yeah, I can just see it. Biker rides up, stops, plants feet,
removes gloves, fiddles in jacket, and produces a knife.
"Gimme all yer money!" "Oh, sure, anything you say!!" Toll
collecter gives him money. Biker balances knife on tank, fiddles
around some more, stuffing money into jacket. Tightens waist belt on
jacket to keep money from falling out the bottom. Zips up, accidentally drops
knife on ground. Leans way over left, stretches and grabs the knife.
While straightening back up, knocks one glove off on right side.
Leans right to get glove; boot slips on oil slick in center of toll lane,
biker falls. Curses ensue. Picks bike up, gets back on and starts it.
Realizes both gloves are now on ground. Puts bike on sidestand, gets gloves
and puts them on. Gets back on bike, dropping some of the money in the
process. Swears again while launching off in a wheelie; bounces off
island barrier on exit side of toll booth, and continues down the
tollway, carrying $5000, less the $100 or so that fell on the ground.
Toll collector gets out of the booth, collects the money, calls
his supervisor, and reports $5000 stolen. "No, no description, it all
happened so fast, I didn't have time to see his face!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 93 11:45:23 GMT
From: gsmith@lauren.iwr.uni-heidelberg.de (Gene W. Smith)
Subject: Plutonium Safe Sex Guide
Newsgroups: soc.motss
In article <88132@cup.portal.com> Furr@cup.portal.com (George Dalton
Madison) writes:
>It is to laugh. Leaving aside for a moment the fact I'd rather
>snuggle up to unshielded plutonium than Arne, the very idea of
>him *learning* anything just makes me laugh sardonically at your
>naivete.
While we all like to snuggle up to a warm lump of Plutonium, we
should also be aware of the safe sex guidelines.
1) First, never suck or chew on the Plutonium. It is soft, and you
can easily ingest some, or get it in your gums or teeth.
2) Never try to snuggle up to too much Plutonium at the same time.
Yes, it *does* get even warmer and cosier when you do so. It also
emits too many neutrons. When playing with Plutonium, *always* bear
in mind the distinction between alpha particles and neutrons.
3) Finally, *always* wash carefully afterwards, and remember to use a
geiger counter. A full decontamination procedure, if such is
available, is always a good idea.
Have fun, and play safely!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"..."Junkies" is an unsuitable term for intravenously challenged persons, who
should be referred to as "the epidermally accessible" so as not to degrade
their lifestyle. In addition, I do not like the word "dope" for the
pharmaceutically liberated substances in question because it both devalues the
laboatory technicians who create it and insults the intellectually original
persons whose derogatory name it perpetuates. Addictive drugs of this sort
should be called "non-prescription chemicals of long-term commitment potential."
Doktor Kultur responding to a letter charging that "Junkie" is a degrading
term used to describe people who sell their babies for drugs as well as
injecting themselves in the spaces between their toes because they run out of
room in their arms.
Ottawa Citizen Sunday, August 1, 1993
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Speaking of toilets and communication, you need to know about a
TV-review column from The Daily Yomiuru, an English-language newspaper
published in Japan. The column states that there's a children's TV
show in Japan called "Ugo Ugo Ruga", which features "an animated
character with heavy eyebrows called Dr. Puri Puri (Dr. Stinky), a
piece of talking excrement that keeps popping up from the toilet bowl
to express strange platitudes that only an adult can fathom."
You're thinking. "Hey! Sounds like Henry Kissinger."
- Dave Barry, columnist for the Miami Herald
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 93 08:22:07 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per
gallon ...
.
.
.
... and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."
-- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 93 12:49:58 -0700
From: karn@qualcomm.com (Phil Karn)
Subject: Safe (for the manufacturer) warranties
To: spaf
Seen stenciled on the side of a Sparrow air-to-air missile on static
display last weekend at the Miramar Air Show in San Diego:
CONTROL SECTION
GUIDED MISSILE
WCU-15A/B
DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY
NAVAL AIR SYSTEMS COMMAND
[blah blah blah]
WARRANTED ITEM
WARRANTY EXPIRES [blank]
IN CASE OF FAILURE UNDER
WARRANTY SHIP TO:
GENERAL DYNAMICS
CAMDEN, AR
Okay, so maybe there can be failures during pre-flight testing. But
the first image this notice brought to mind was that of a bunch of
grunts scouring the Iraqi desert in search of tiny bits of metal,
carefully scooping each one into bags marked "Camden, Arkansas"...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 93 12:41:32 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Some More `Deep Thoughts...'
To: spaf
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up a
hundred drumsticks and then the guy at the marina says you can't feed
chicken to dolphins, they eat fish. Sure, I said, if that's all you feed
them. Wise up, man.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend you're eating it but instead
put it into your lap and form it into a big mush ball. Then, later, when
you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big cough and throw
the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars."
I wish scientists would come up a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with
a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they
wouldn't eat as much.
[ After reading the last Yucks Digest, I realized that these could just as
easily be USENET postings. Naaahh -- they're just not weird enough. DJB ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 22:38:39 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: There's nuts among the berries Dept. (fwd)
To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III), spaf (Yucks List)
From: Susan Liebeskind <shl@cc.gatech.edu>
Too good and too surreal not to share:
Sunday New York Times: Metropolitan Diary (a weekly column of strange
and wondrous happenings around the city:)
"The scene: Whole Wheat 'n Wild Berries on West 10th Street. Two women --
late 30's, early 40's -- were finishing their entrees. One of them
proceeded to order gingerbread with fresh whipped cream for dessert.
The waiter returned to report that the restaurant was out of gingerbread.
Perhaps she would care for something else? Off he went in pursuit of
a dessert menu.
The woman began to cry. I mean really sob. The waiter hesitated to return,
assuming that the two were having an ultrapersonal conversation. When
the sobbing woman calmed down, he approached with caution. The
woman looked up at him. "My inner child is really angry that you are out of
the gingerbread," she said.
The waiter just stared, not sure how to respond. The other woman bent
over and patted her friend's hand. "That's all right, dear, express
your feelings," she said. "Even small losses must be mourned."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1993 08:56:57 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The world was created only 5,753 years ago
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Dinosaurs Not Kosher, Israeli Rabbis Say yjdo
Jerusalem (Reuter) - Dinosaurs may be all the rage in the
wake of Steven Spielberg's blockbuster movie "Jurassic Park",
but some rabbis in Israel have complained that they contradict
the biblical account of creation.
Ultra-orthodox rabbis want to withdraw the kosher
certification of a dairy company that has begun using pictures
of dinosaurs to promote its products.
"The dinosaur is portrayed ... as an animal that is millions
of years old, even though it is known that the world was
created only 5,753 years ago," Rabbi Zvi Gafner told the
Israeli newspaper Davar.
[Hmm, is killing them with a giant comet kashrut? --spaf]
------------------------------
From: kludge@carson.u.washington.edu (Somebody)
Subject: Where's everybody?
Newsgroups: alt.romance
rajat@carson.u.washington.edu (Rajat Kumar Singh) writes:
> Hey guys :
>
> Looks like every one on the net has finally got a SO. No body seems
> to be sitting in front of terminal anymore.
>
> How sad i am still clinging to my terminal.
Actually you're wrong. What really happened is that everyone outside
of Seattle was brutally killed and eaten by large carnivorous rhubarbs.
You'll find evidence for this from the fact that you can only read news
generated at the UW - Obviously, everyone else on earth is dead. I know
they were killed by rhubarbs because I subscribe to alt.agriculture.rhubarb
and stories of rhubarb farmers mysteriously dissappearing have been cropping
up for years. In fact, one poster, BARBARU@plantlife.agri.gov has often
updated us on the Rhubarb Invasion Plan (RIP) which involves a great many
factors - such as capturing all tv news media personnel and forcing them
to read lines off the teleprompter at gunpoint, and using massive weather
control machinery to create floods in the midwest - thereby aiding the
cause of all fruits and vegetables.
We're still alive here because the Rhubarb Central Council considers the
greater Seattle area holy ground and all Rhubarbs are forbidden to wage
war within 300 miles of the city.
WARNING! WARNING!
_DO NOT_ travel to eastern Washington! The Rhubarb Commandos have already
captures Spokane and have agents as far west as Yakima! The _ONLY_ safe
place is Seattle (expect to see Rhubarb pilgrims coming through soon) and
the Hanford Nuclear Reservation (which is singly responsible for slowing
down the Rhubarb advance upon western Washington)
REPEAT! DO _NOT_ TRAVEL TO EASTERN WASHINGTON!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 17:28:44 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Woody Allen moves to India...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Couple Beheaded For Incest yjmk
New Delhi (Reuter) - An entire village watched in silence
as the uncle of a young man and his bride chopped off their
heads with an axe for defying social norms, newspapers
reported on wednesday. Satish, 21, had eloped with Sarita, 20,
from the village of Khandrawali, the newspapers said. after
their marriage, the couple settled in Delhi. but Satish was
Sarita's uncle. Village elders considered the marriage
incestuous and an insult to a sacred relationship.
Khandrawali's 250 families, all outcastes, never forgave the
runaways, and they were beheaded after being lured back to the
village by a tale that Satish's father was in trouble.
[Pity they hadn't moved to West Virginia... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 17:35:31 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yes!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Duck Pond Saves Skydiver
Napier, New Zealand (Reuter) - A 22-year-old novice
skydiver escaped with only a cut over the eye after his main
and reserve parachutes failed and he plunged 1,100 metres
(3,600 feet) into a marshy duck pond.
Klint Freemantle, recounting the freak accident on
Saturday on New Zealand's north island, said his main
parachute did not open and his emergency chute tangled up.
then he saw he might hit the pond, a metre (40 inches) deep.
"I splashed down before I thought I would," he said. "the
first thing I did was stand up and say 'Yes!' then I reeled
the chute in."
[The next thing he did was remove several imbedded ducks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 93 15:12:37 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: yet another barney-bashing post.
To: spaf
[Item 6. is often claimed of Letterman. --P]
From: (a)UGA.CC.UGA.EDU:owner-humor(a)UGA.CC.UGA.EDU@SNYDER on Thu, Jul 1, 1993
8:19
Subject: 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur
To: Henderson, Debi
David Letterman's Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur
10. Spent the 70's traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.
9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only 6 days.
8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.
7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "The Luckiest Damn Space Monkey in Hollywood"
6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.
5. Is the other half-brother of Roger Clinton.
4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget Casino
in Las Vegas after assaulting a blackjack dealer.
3. Before plastic surgery was one of the Jackson Five.
2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.
1. Two words: Silicone tail.
11. Has an uncredited cameo in Spielberg's "Jurassic Park."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 93 13:03:27 CDT
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: Yucks stuff
To: spaf
------- Forwarded Message
Thought you (we) might enjoy this exchange from comp.lang.fortran:
Bruno W. Repetto writes:
> In-Reply-To: <93237.080238HASSLER@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
>
> Excerpts from netnews.comp.lang.fortran: 25-Aug-93 Re: Should I learn
> Fortran? by John Hassler@MAINE.MAINE
> > Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1993 08:02:38 EDT
> > From: John Hassler <HASSLER@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
> > Subject: Re: Should I learn Fortran?
> >
> > In article <1993Aug25.030706.19231@ncar.ucar.edu>, rlink@cedar.hao.ucar.edu
> > (Richard Link) says:
> > >
> > [omitted]
> > >Remember, real programmers read hex dumps |-)
> > >
> > >Cheers,
> > >Rick
> >
> > PHBTBTPBRTPB!!! REAL programmers read little-endian octal.
> > john
>
> PHBTBTPBRTPB!!! to both of you!.
>
> To read hex dumps or litte-endian octal implies only READING code, not
> WRITING it; hence, you are not programming.
>
> I, however, am constructing this message (as an example of writing) by
> rubbing the TXD line on my modem against a battery. Take that!
>
> Bruno.
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 93 10:56:14 PDT
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
To: yucks
Subject: Rush Lim[baugh]erick
Originally from the _Fort Collins Colorodoan_, reprinted in the
locally published _Flush Rush Quarterly_:
A pundit quite narrow of mind,
But broad in his larded behind
Spews trash in the air,
With egotistical flair,
And logic that's quite hard to find.
The Flush Rush Quarterly is recommended to those who prefer to
laugh at Mr. Limbaugh rather than with him and can be ordered at:
The Flush Rush Quarterly
POBox 270525
San Diego CA 92198
(619) 599-7805
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------