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Yucks Digest V2 #1
Yucks Digest Fri, 3 Jan 92 Volume 2 : Issue 1
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
AI and ducks
Data Structures, CS 220
Ex-Lawmen Seek Out Whodunit
Fiendish Puzzle Maker Thrives
Jose Feliciano Now Disc Jockey
non-computer computer viruses
Perfect P.C. day.
Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
Programmer's Drinking Song
The First Lawyer Joke
The Inter-Dwarf Memo (E-mail) Service
THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS
Wearing Pets On Their Sleeves
Why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function
Yucks Digest V1 #112
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri Jan 3 22:36:14 EST 1992
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
Well, welcome to another year. This is the first issue of
Yucks Volume 2. I hope y'all find it as interesting as
Volume #1.
I have a backlog big enough for 2 or 3 digests. I'll try to space it
out over a few days time. Of course, some of the material is
already spaced out!
My best wishes for humor and a touch of insanity to you all for 1992.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 91 00:39:08 -0500
From: "Patrick Tufts" <zippy@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: AI and ducks
To: spaf
Which of the following are examples of Quack Science as defined below.
a. psychology
b. AI
c. Yeti/Cattle Mutilation/JFK research
d. linguistics
--Pat
In alt.sci.physics.new-theories Dr. Norman J. LaFave writes:
>Hoyt, and many others, have put forth theories in this group which are prime
>examples of "Quack Science". True science follows a very rigid scientific
>methodology which these "researchers" violate constantly. Real scientists:
>
>1.) remain skeptical of ideas (including there own) until proof is obtained.
> Proof is defined to be the successful prediction of effects which are
> confirmed by a number of independently repeated experiments. Great care
> is taken in these experiments to eliminate sources of systematic error,
> do extensive error analysis, and look for alternative explanations.
>
>2.) Develop their ideas in a formal logical fashion. Facts which form the
> basis
> of an arguement are checked and double-checked. Assumptions are checked to
> make sure they conform to experimentally-established facts. Formal
> deductive reasoning and mathematical formalism are used to develop
> theories. The self-consistency of the theory is rigorously checked.
>
>3.) Terminology is rigorously defined in any presentation. Especially when
> new concepts are presented. Objects in the theoretical development are
> rigorously defined before they are used.
------------------------------
Date: 24 Dec 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: greywolf@unisoft.com (Veteran of the Psychic Wars)
Subject: Data Structures, CS 220
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
/*
* When boredom sets in and one finds the need to create new, interesting
* features to add to a library. This is original (by me).
*/
COURSE TITLE: DATA STRUCTURES
COURSE NUMBER: 5150
CLASS DESIGNATION: COMPUTER SCIENCE, CS420
PREREQUISITES: CS150
UNITS: 5.0
CLASS HOURS: M W F 7P-10P
LAB HOURS: MTWTF 8A-11P
This class assumes basic knowledge of the constructs presented in CS150
("Letting C Confuse You") and how to use an editor (adb is presented as
the programmer's editor of choice). The course will cover all forms
of Data Structures including:
Arrays with indeces into the interrupt vector table
Structures with self-referencing elements (pointers optional).
Unions with self-referencing elements (pointers optional).
Also presented are various lists, linked, unlinked and random. Among
those covered are:
LIFO (Last In, First Out) Also called a "stack".
FIFO (First In, First Out) Also called a "queue".
FISH (First In, Still Here) Also called a "hung printer".
FIGL (First In, Got Lost) Also called a bureaucracy.
LIGL (Last In, Got Lost) Also called a "streams module".
FIGO (First In, Garbage Out) Also called a "random number generator".
GHNW (Got Here, Now What?) Also called a "longjmp botch".
*** NOTE: Disk Space is somewhat short on the system due to the fact that
*** one of the drives is not recognized by any of the drivers in the kernel.
*** Hence, students will be expected to produce a fully functional disk
*** device driver by the end of the second week in order to receive credit
*** for the course.
[ NOTE for those not in the know regarding streams modules: In the early
versions, when a module passed data to a printer, when the last chunk
of data was passed, the module thought it was done and exited, leaving
the printer sending XOFFs ("My queue's full; STOP!") to the (now non-
resident) module. The printer usually lost the last kilobyte or so. ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 12:02:45 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Ex-Lawmen Seek Out Whodunit
To: yucks-request
WICHITA, Kan. (AP)
Death fascinates Tom Streed and Dr. Bruce Danto, but it isn't just
a ghoulish preoccupation.
As partners in Fullerton, Calif.-based Death Investigation
International the two former lawmen charge $300 an hour to analyze
evidence gathered in homicides, suicides, industrial accident
fatalities and other deaths.
"You pay your money up front because you may not like what you
hear," Streed said. "We're not in the endorsement business. We're
impartial."
Dr. William G. Eckert, an internationally known veteran forensic
pathologist and Sedgwick County deputy coroner in Wichita, said
Streed and Danto are helped by their backgrounds in psychology.
"They have a good idea of the motivations of people," said Eckert.
Danto, 64, is a psychiatrist who worked with county sheriff
departments in Michigan for eight years in the 1970s and early 1980s.
Streed, 47, spent 22 years as a San Diego County sheriff's deputy
before retiring in March, including 20 years as a homicide detective.
He is a criminal psychologist.
"He's probably one of the sharpest and most intelligent cops in
the country," Eckert said of Streed. "He has a fantastic library of
crime scene photographs. He specializes in serial killers,
drug-related murders and street gangs."
Streed and Danto, who started their consulting business this year,
were in Wichita recently to address the third annual National
Conference on Death and Injury Investigation.
During interviews after their presentations, they explained how
they work.
"We get all the documents that are available: photographs,
diagrams, sketches, police reports, witness reports, transcripts,
depositions anything we can and we read every single word," Streed
said.
In examining photos, he turns them upside down, forcing a
different view.
At murder scenes, he describes the scene, talking to a tape
recorder as if it were the killer.
"I carry on a conversation with myself and the killer: `Why did
you do that? Why did you walk in here?' It provides a first-person
impression of what's taken place," he said.
Streed said overworked and underbudgeted police departments can't
spend the time he and his partner can reviewing evidence. They
sometimes reach different conclusions than the police investigators.
When the San Diego County Sheriff's Office hired Streed and Danto
to look at the death of a 15-year-old shot and killed by a deputy,
they probed the backgrounds of the youth and the officer.
They found the youth wasn't hostile or self-destructive. He'd been
drinking and was upset after a fight with his girlfriend, but he
surrendered, Streed said.
The deputy had been involved in two incidents that Streed and
Danto found telling. In one, he unnecessarily broke the arm of a man
he was arresting. In the other, he did nothing to stop a suicide.
Streed and Danto found that the deputy had shot the teen-ager
without provocation; the shooting initially had been ruled
justifiable.
The deputy negotiated a disability retirement and the youth's
parents settled their lawsuit against the county for $50,000.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 91 21:50:54 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Fiendish Puzzle Maker Thrives
To: yucks-request
WILDER, Vt. (AP)
Steve Richardson is devilish even at Christmastime. The maker of
the world's most expensive jigsaw puzzle enjoys tormenting and
teasing his customers.
"I like to see them twist in the wind," Richardson said. "We sell
puzzles with a touch of black humor."
His puzzles are full of fiendish intricacies that stump even the
best puzzlers: Aberrant edges. Maddening fake corners. Edges in
disguise. And pieces that can fit together wrong 63 ways.
Richardson makes made-to-order puzzles in layers, puzzles within
puzzles, puzzles that stand up and one-color puzzles. None comes with
a picture of the puzzle.
One puzzle cannot be completed unless the puzzler turns over some
of the pieces.
"People call and yell and say that we sent them the wrong pieces.
It drives them crazy," said Richardson's wife, Martha, comptroller
for the company called Stave.
The puzzles are expensive, from $175 for a small puzzle to $8,000
for a large one.
The expense does not deter customers, Richardson said.
"The economy in general does not affect us," he said, adding that
business has doubled in the last three years. "There will always be a
market for the best jigsaw puzzles."
Most of the buyers are above fluctuations in the market,
Richardson said of his multimillion-dollar business. People with
names such as Mellon, du Pont and Roosevelt own them. So does Queen
Elizabeth II, the British monarch.
Part of the high price is ongoing customer service. The
Richardsons and their 14 employees delight in talking to customers,
giving small hints if needed.
Stave is both friendly and adversarial with its clients. Customer
relations often includes teasing.
"I especially love hearing your screams of agony as you slave over
our beautiful pieces of wood," Richardson writes in his newsletter,
sent twice a month to aficionados.
The other part of the high cost is the original artwork, the thick
layers of hardwood backed with African mahogany and personal designs.
Puzzles often include individual touches such as pieces shaped
like a family dog, hidden names and once a marriage proposal.
All puzzles are hand-cut by Richardson, his wife or one of his
employees on souped-up scroll saws.
Customers can work their way up with increasingly difficult
categories classic, fantasy and nightmare.
One client, psychotherapist Judy Schwartz of Boston, said working
the puzzles is one of the best clinical experiences.
"I go through all the anxieties self-doubt, loss of self-worth,
depression, hostility, anti-social feeling and aging known to the
human condition," she said. "But when I get the puzzle together, I
feel cured and saved."
Richardson, who founded the company in 1974 after he was laid off
from a computer firm, sometimes adds a bottle of aspirin when
shipping an especially formidable puzzle.
"I have to keep creating puzzles to keep ahead of the hungry pack
of masochists," he said. "That's my driving force."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 91 12:09:15 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Jose Feliciano Now Disc Jockey
To: yucks-request
WESTPORT, Conn. (AP)
It was just another day spinning oldies at WMMM radio last August
when station co-owner Mark Graham got a call from someone who
identified himself as Jose Feliciano.
"I said, `Anybody can claim to be Jose Feliciano, let's hear you
sing a few bars of "Feliz Navidad." He started singing, and I said,
`OK, OK, I believe you,"' Graham said.
Feliciano's impromptu rendition of "Feliz Navidad," a Spanish
Christmas song, landed him a job as a disc jockey at the station.
Feliciano spends every Saturday morning chatting with callers,
offering insider tidbits about Elvis, the Beatles, Bob Dylan and
other favorite musicians. He even jokes about his blindness.
"When I go to a restaurant and the waitress says to me, `Mr.
Feliciano, would you like to see a menu?' and I tell her, `Lady, I'd
like to see anything."'
Interspersed with the jokes and stories are a few songs some old,
some new, some in Spanish, some in English. The show, "Speaking of
Music," with co-host Russ Garrett, debuted Aug. 31.
Using only an acoustic guitar and two microphones, Feliciano sits
in a corner of the cramped studio. On a recent Saturday morning, he
sang Elton John's "Daniel" and Frank Sinatra's "All the Way."
Even when he's not singing on the air, Feliciano is singing along
with the record on the turntable, rocking in his chair and constantly
moving his neatly manicured fingers.
"I'm having a great time," he says. I love it all the singing,
the talking, the performing," he says.
Although the role of disc jockey is new to him, Feliciano
describes himself as a "radio junkie" and says he always wanted to
give radio a try.
"I'm not the type of disc jockey who's going to give you the
weather, but I can talk about certain things other people might not
know about," he says.
Like Diana Ross, and how she had to sing her first lead with the
Supremes in a bathroom because Motown Records did not have an echo
chamber.
Or about how he wrote and performed the theme song to the popular
1970s TV series "Chico and the Man," and once had a guest appearance
on the show.
With his long, shagged hair, gray jeans and jean jacket,
Feliciano, 46, looks much the same as he did in 1968, when his
version of The Doors' hit "Light My Fire," made him a star.
He lives in nearby Weston, about five minutes from the station, in
a converted 18th-century tavern with his wife, Susan, daughter
Melissa, 3, and son, Jonathan, 6 months. He moved here from
California about 18 months ago at his wife's urging, he said.
He still spends a lot of time on the road doing shows, but no
longer does long concert tours.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Dec 91 10:43:24 GMT
From: stoll@ocf.berkeley.edu (Cliff Stoll)
Subject: non-computer computer viruses
Newsgroups: alt.security
For example...
Ever notice that the second or third time you read a book,
you discover all sorts of typos and misprints? The more
often you read a book, the more typos you find.
These typos are read-errors; mistakes introduced by reading
the text. To preserve accuracy, you should purchase a new
edition each time you wish to read a book. Most of all,
avoid used books, pirated editions, and books from unknown
sources.
Public libraries are especially dangerous! Library books are
read many times, introducing uncounted read-errors. Worse,
borrowers (and some unscrupulous authors) can infect books
with literary viruses (analogous to computer viruses) which
can be transmitted to other readers.
You can avoid these problems by only reading from new books,
and purchasing fresh shrinkwrapped volumes at your local
bookstore. Hardback editions are most resistant to typos and
literary viruses; get these whenever possible.
A public service message brought to you by a disinterested party
-Cliff Stoll
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 91 6:30:4 EST
From: A.ROBERTS17@genie.com (Walkin Dude)
Subject: Perfect P.C. day.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Goes something like this...
7:30 wake up to the sound of Radio Moscow on my Sony Walkperson
spend half an hour contemplating the gender role I intend
playing this day.
8:00 Breakfast is a free range soft boiled egg followed by meusli,
the milkperson has not called today so I have my Nicaraguan
coffee non-white.
8:20 Go off to have my labour exploited. Bus late demonstrating the
inefficiencies of the free market system and hence the
inevitability of it's eventual collapse,
9:00 Arrive at work. My personager does not seem to have accepted the
case I made for day care nursery provision. Perhaps herm will
be more receptive when we have some employees with children
of pre school age.
9:45 I notice that there is now a notice in the Male lavatories requesting
that sanitary towells should not be disposed of in the toilet.
Does this mean that a sanitary can is also going to be provided?
12:45 Lunch, I go to the new Vegetarian restaurant at the corner and
buy a sandwich. The waitee tells me that they are organised as
a cooperative - proof that worker power is indeed challenging
the corporatist exploitation of the proletariat. I must raise
this at the next party meeting.
13:45 Back to work. It's starting to get cold! I hope it warms up a bit
before saturday. Its much worse standing about selling the paper
in the wet as people are much less willing to talk. Still if
Marx and Lenin had allowed themselves to be discouraged by such
events how would the processes of Historical Materialism have
smashed the borgouise capitalist system to create the worker state?
17:30 Home time at last. On the way back I pick up a newspaper and a
sandwich. Much as I would prefer to support an independent
newspaper which is not the mouthpiece of the establishment I
buy a Guardian so I can read If and Donnesbury.
19:30 Go out to my conciousness medianating group. I feel a great
feeling of solidarity on such occasions with the oppressed
minorities in society. I am pleased now that I switched from the
anti-patriarchy conciousness raising group, after all the idea
of raising conciousness must surely be elitist in some respect
and thus serve to support the class structure of our society.
21:30 After the session we join with the wymins Zap action Cheeswire
brigade. Such occasions are vital to building grass roots level
solidarity with others united in our cause. It was noticable that
far from being intmidated by our male presence our sister
bretheren did almost all the talking. Obvously their conciousness
medianating is suceeding! I learned that I still poses many
sexist and patriarchal attitudes. I must try to eliminate these
23:30 Home at last, only time for a single chapter of Capital before
going to sleep. Workers of all lands UNITE !
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 14:24:39 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
PRACTICE RANDOM KINDNESS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF BEAUTY
Reprinted from Glamour magazine, December, 1991.
It's a crisp winter day in San Francisco. A woman in a red Honda, Christmas
presents piled in the back, drives up to the Bay Bridge tollbooth. "I'm
paying for myself, and for the six cars behind me," she says with a smile,
handing over seven commuter tickets.
One after another, the next six drivers arrive at the tollbooth, dollars in
hand, only to be told, "Some lady up ahead already paid your fare. Have a
nice day."
The woman in the Honda, it turned out, had read something on an index card
taped to a friend's refrigerator: "Practice random kindness and senseless
acts of beauty." The phrase seemed to leap out at her, and she copied it
down.
Judy Foreman spotted the same phrase spray-painted on a warehouse wall a
hundred miles from her home. When it stayed on her mind for days, she gave
up and drove all the way back to copy it down. "I thought it was incredibly
beautiful," she said explaning why she's taken to writing it at the bottom
of all her letters, "like a message from above."
Her husband, Frank, liked the phrase so much that he put it up on the wall
for his seventh graders, one of whom was the daughter of a local columnist.
The columnist put it in the paper, admitting that though she liked it, she
didn't know where it came from [sic] or what it really meant.
Two days later, she heard from Anne Herbert. Tall, blonde, and forty,
Herbert lives in Marin, one of the country's ten richest counties, where
she house-sits, takes odd-jobs, and gets by. It was in a Sausalito
restaurant that Herbert jotted the phrase down on a paper place mat, after
turning it around in her mind for days.
"That's wonderful!" a man sitting nearby said, and copied it down carefully
on his own placemat.
"Here's the idea," Herbert says. "anything you think there should be more
of, do it randomly."
Her own fantasies include: (1) breaking into depressing-looking schools to
paint the classrooms, (2) leaving hot meals on kitchen tables in the poor
parts of town, (3) slipping money into a proud old woman's purse. Says
Herbert, "kindness can build on itself as much as violence can." Now the
phrase is spreading, on bumper stickers, on walls, at the bottom of letters
and business cards. And as it spreads, so does a vision of guerrilla
goodness.
In Portland, Oregon, a man might plunk a coin into a stranger's meter just
in time. In Patterson, New Jersey, a dozen people with pails and mops and
tulip bulbs might descend on a run-down house and clean it from top to
bottom while the frail elderly owners look on, dazed and smiling. In
Chicago, a teenage boy may be shoveling off the driveway when the impulse
strikes. What the hell, nobody's looking, he thinks, and shovels the
neighbor's driveway, too.
It's positive anarchy, disorder, a sweet disturbance. A woman in Boston
writes "Merry Christmas!" to the tellers on the back of her checks. A man
in St. Louis, whose car has just been rear-ended by a young woman, waves
her away, saying, "It's a scratch. Don't Worry."
Senseless acts of beauty spread: A man plants daffodils along the roadway,
his shirt billowing in the breeze from passing cars. In Seattle, a man
appoints himself a one man vigilante sanitation service and roams the
concrete hills collecting litter in a supermarket cart. In Atlanta, a man
scrubs graffiti from a green park bench.
They say you can't smile without cheering yourself up a little -- likewise,
you can't commit a random act of kindeness without feeling as if your own
troubles have been lightened if only because the world has become a
slightly better place.
And you can't be a recipient without feeling a shock, a pleasant jolt. If
you were one of those rush-hour drivers who found your bridge fare paid,
who knows what you might have been inspired to do for someone else later?
Wave someone on in the intersection? Smile at a tired clerk? Or something
larger, greater? Like all revolutions, guerrilla goodness begins slowly,
with a single act. Let it be yours.
------------------------------
Date: 23 Dec 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: TLS@uvmadmin.bitnet
Subject: Programmer's Drinking Song
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY:
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 14:18:46 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The First Lawyer Joke
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The First Lawyer Joke:
The following paragraph appears in "Njal's Saga", the story of a blood
feud between two Icelandic clans in the late 900's. The saga was written
in the early 1200's. The manuscript quoted from is believed to be a copy
of a copy of the original -- very close to the source, as these things go.
For background, Flosi Thordarson and a gang of marauders have just burned
Njal Thorgeirsson, his family, and his entire household alive. As we join
them, Flosi and his friends are looking for some capable legal counsel.
A man called Eyjolf Bolverksson was one of the three greatest
lawyers in Iceland. He was a man who commanded great respect,
and his knowledge of law was outstanding. He was extremely
handsome, tall, and strong, with all the makings of a fine
chieftain. He was also very fond of money, like his brother
lawyers.
-- Njal's Saga, ch.138
------------------------------
Date: 23 Dec 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: john@wpi.wpi.edu (John F Stoffel)
Subject: The Inter-Dwarf Memo (E-mail) Service
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A friend of mine sent this to me in the mail from the Albany area. I
have no clue where this was originally published, or when but it looks
like an on-campus thing.
=====================
The Inter-Dwarf Memo Service
Compiled by Robb Perlman
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Doc
Re: S. White
If that bitch cleans one more
thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her. I'll give her apples, nice big
apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Happy
Re: S. White
Let it be noted that if she
whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin'
lips off. Have a nice day.
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sneezy
Re: S. White
Shes' driving me nuts boys. Ev-
ery three seconds it's "Bless you!" in
that damm sing-songy voice of hers. I
can't take it any more! I'm not a well
dwarf you know.
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Bashful
Re: S. White
I really don't mean to start any-
thing, but since she enrolled me in that
assertiveness training seminar, the
only thing that I can think of giving me
pleasure is throwing her out of a
twenty story building. I hope you
didn't mind receiving this memo.
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Dopey
Re: S. White
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Sleepy
Re: S. White
She keeps making my bed. She
knows I'm going back to sleep in a
minute, but nooo -- she has to make the
bed.
Slut.
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Fellow Dwarves
From: Grumpy
Re: S. White
I really love what she's done
with the place. Those throw pillows
make a world of difference. And her
hair! Oh, I just love it!
------------------------------
Date: 24 Dec 91 08:20:07 GMT
From: scannell@darkstar.ma30.bull.com (Pat Scannell)
Subject: THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 91 12:54:27 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Wearing Pets On Their Sleeves
To: yucks-request
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP)
Dog owners know their pets produce three things in abundance.
Two are love and fur. Only one can be spun.
"I think dog hair is one of the finest wools you can find," said
Shirley Boniface, who owns a champion blue merle sheltie. "I love the
feel of it."
Boniface said grooming her champion, Sterling, and her three other
shelties yielded mounds of silvery gray, black and white fur that she
routinely threw away.
But as a knitter in a state where it's cold seven months a year,
Boniface thought the fur should be used. She started saving. After
about 18 months there was enough hair to turn over to a local spinner.
"I wanted to be able to say, `Well, here is my champion and he
gave me this hat,"' Boniface said.
Clothing made of dog hair is catching on in Alaska, spinners say.
"There may be a higher level of interest because people are more
dog crazy up here," said Diane Olthuis, who spins dog-hair and
musk-ox yarn at her small textile business in Hope, about 25 miles
south of Anchorage.
Olthuis said she supplies some dog-fur skeins to a store in
Colorado, where mushing is becoming popular, but most of her
customers are Alaskans.
Few states have used dogs the way Alaska does. Dog teams carried
mail to remote villages as recently as 40 years ago, and in 1925,
dogs rushed lifesaving diphtheria serum from Anchorage to Nome to
stop an epidemic. That route is covered today by mushers in the
Iditarod Sled Dog Race.
People who turn dog fur into mittens, sweaters and floppy berets
like the fur because it's durable, warm, plentiful, cheap and
versatile.
"There's nothing you can't do with it. I have a friend who used
fur from a couple of dogs and did a really big coverlet in different
colors of gray," said Sue Bannister, an Anchorage spinner.
Spinning dog hair is not a task for novices and the work isn't
cheap. It costs about $10 to have an ounce of yarn spun. That's about
enough to make half a ski cap.
Since dog hair lacks the natural lanolin of sheep fleece and has
no crimp, it's harder to work into a strand. Spinners tug out only
little tufts at a time, and sheep's wool sometimes is blended with
the fur.
Not all breeds are suitable. Fur from the short-haired husky is
difficult, and clipped, crinkly poodle hair is worse. A top choice is
the long white underfur of the Samoyed.
Many Alaskans still turn up their noses at dog-hair yarn, said Kay
Hathhorne, who owns an Anchorage weaving studio. "They say, `Oh,
gross, doesn't it smell?"' she said.
In fact, she said, well-washed dog hair is odorless and gets
fuzzier with each sudsing.
"Obviously they'd never been around a farm and smelled sheep," she
said. "They smell a lot worse than your dog does."
["My dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful, I shot him for
his fur 2 weeks ago."]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 14:38:44 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 19:58:22 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #112
To: Yucks-request
Date: 18 Dec 91 20:27:41 GMT
From: faustus@ygdrasil.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Wayne A. Christopher)
Subject: covert channels
Newsgroups: alt.security
jb3o+@andrew.cmu.edu writes:
> I mean, it might not be top secret, but if your trojan ...
I can see it now...
[Trojan condoms enters computer market]
Although the name "DataCondom" may already be taken by the makers of
the DataGlove for a different product...
The word `dildonics' came up in a Whole Earth Quarterly article
on one of the VR conferences. I'm not sure who coined the word, but I'd put
money on Mike Saentz (creator of MacPlaymate).
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------