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Yucks Digest V1 #105
Yucks Digest Fri, 29 Nov 91 Volume 1 : Issue 105
Today's Topics:
/FROM PR NEWSWIRE PHILADELPHIA 215-568-6300/
Am I Fat?
Bottoms up!
Chicken coups
Devilish one-liner
From Henry's Joke List
He says he DIDN'T feed the cat!
He Swims, But Is It Art?
Life in Cuba
Magic and his Johnson
Merlin's magic words in EXCALIBUR
more news from the world of science
New Corporate Travel Guidelines
no more waffling about waffle
Not sure what this means...
Now that's reassuring
Programming the hard way
Quote of the day
Seen in Rolling Stone...
Signature quote of the day
something goofy
With a song in your heart...(The System V Song)
yabba dabba doo... (2 msgs)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
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Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 11:56:02 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: /FROM PR NEWSWIRE PHILADELPHIA 215-568-6300/
To: yucks-request
TINKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! THE FRANKLIN INSTITUTE HOLDS
14TH ANNUAL GIANT TINKERTOY EXTRAVAGANZA THIS WEEKEND
What: A Philadelphia Thanksgiving weekend tradition returns.
It's The Franklin Institute's 14th annual Giant
Tikertoy Extravaganza. For three days only, the
world's last remaining collection of giant tinkertoys
comes down from the attic, to challenge tinkerers of
all ages to let their imaginations run wild with these
classic over-sized building toys.
Where: The Franklin Institute, William Penn Gallery on the
first floor of the Science Center, 20th Street and the
Benjamin Franklin Parkway, Philadelphia.
When: Friday, Nov. 29, to Sunday, Dec. 1, 9:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m.
Details:
The Giant Tinkertoy Extravaganza is the most popular event each year
at The Franklin Institute.
What's a Christmas season without toy trains? In addition to
Tinkertoys, a five-week Toy Trains Festival opens on Friday. A 60-foot
N-gauge layout is the centerpiece of the festival. It re-creates the
path the museum's beloved Baldwin locomotive took when it rode the rails
in the 1920s. Antique toy trains belonging to the Toy Train Collectors
Association will be on display and members of the Philadelphia N-track
toy train club will be there with a 40-foot layout complete with several
intricate scenes and dozens of toy trains.
CONTACT: Elaine Wilner of The Franklin Institute, 215-448-1176
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 10:06:04 MST
From: woods@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Greg Woods)
Subject: Am I Fat?
To: Yucks-request, yucks
> 3 - "Do I look fat?"
>
> The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
> emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
> room.
There is a comic strip here in the Colorado Daily (the student paper for
the University of Colorado) called "Ozone Patrol" that did a really good
piece on this. "Ozone Patrol" is written by a woman and features two guys
named Lazlo and Weedy who look like hippies but act more like nerds (of
course that description does not do the strip justice, but I digress).
One of the bits they do is "Etiquette Dudes", where Lazlo and Weedy
answer "Dear Abby" type questions.
One I remember was:
Dear Etiquette Dudes: My girlfriend keeps asking me if she's fat. What
should I do?
Answer (paraphrased): Boy, this is a tough ethical dilemma. If you say no,
you're a liar, and if you say yes, who knows where your body may be found.
We recommend plastic surgery and a stealthy move to a new city.
------------------------------
From: Don Tillman <till%acid-rain@lucid.com>
Subject: Bottoms up!
------------------------------
From: monet01%umcvmb.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Gerry Howser)
Subject: Chicken coups
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard on the local radio KJMO "Joke of the Day" 6/11/91:
Q: Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
------------------------------
From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End)
Subject: Devilish one-liner
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1991 15:46:39 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: From Henry's Joke List
To: JZucchini.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every 3
months for about 5 years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were
up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni
Association. Once, when checking his records, the (blonde?) asked, "Is
xxx-xxxx your current phone number?
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He
hasn't heard from them since.
======
there was a tv show on recently where a lot of people were intensively
researching the question "what is the density of wolves in minnesota?"
i couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.
all they have to do is catch one and throw it in a pool.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 12:59:09 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: He says he DIDN'T feed the cat!
To: yucks-request
Man accused of dismembering wife said he did not feed her to cat
London, Nov 22 dpa - A 52-year-old British man accused of
strangling to death his Filipino wife, a former prostitute, denied
Friday police evidence that he had fed her cooked remains to the cat.
Several British newspapers Friday carried photographs of the cat
after a police inspector told the court in the Welsh town of Mold
Thursday that the accused, John Perry 52, admitted to officers he had
fed the family pet pieces of his wife's mutilated body.
Expert witnesses told the court that a person would need at least
12 hours to dismember a body and remove the bones but Perry said in
evidence: "It was much longer than that." Police found the woman's
body in sacks on the floor of the garage.
Perry, an aircraft fitter, said he wanted to eliminate all trace of
his wife after he found out she had been having an affair with a
neighbour while he was working nightshifts.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 12:59:34 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: He Swims, But Is It Art?
To: yucks-request
MINNEAPOLIS (AP)
Stuffy audiences and sarcastic critics are the least of Billy
Curmano's worries. The waterlogged artist has dodged barge traffic,
water snakes and river slime all in the name of art.
Curmano says his swim of the 2,340-mile Mississippi River is
"extended performance art." Others aren't quite sure what to call it.
"When I really first started thinking about (the swim) I thought
it was insane and impossible," Curmano said. "The more I thought
about it, the more I thought I had to do it."
About 100 people turned out Thursday night at The Minneapolis
Institute of Arts for a debate on Curmano's swim called "But Is It
Art?"
The moderators were split, but the audience was supportive, said
Stewart Turnquist, coordinator of the Minnesota Artists Exhibition
Program.
Curmano, 42, describes the expedition as a way to blend art,
culture and the environment. He hopes to make it to the Gulf of
Mexico, but has no timetable.
"The river is a living organism. I feel like I've been intimate
with the Mississippi," he says. "The work is process-oriented, it's
not an athletic event. Actually getting to the gulf is not as
important."
The process hasn't much impressed the institute's Kaylen Whitmore.
"Billy Curmano does a rather bizarre thing that he calls art in
that he swims across the Mississippi River and shows you all the
slime and crud on his wet suit," Whitmore said. "He's decided that
this is performance art, and some people have a problem with that."
Among Curmano's other pieces are a seance he held for a dead
artists and a concert he put on for cows. He once sealed himself into
a burial vault for four days to perform and draw.
The river swim began in 1987 at the headwaters of the Mississippi
in northern Minnesota. He has logged 894 miles since then, swimming
only in the summer. His last stop was near Burlington, Iowa, in
September.
Curmano, who lives in Rushford, a town of about 1,500 in
southeastern Minnesota, pays for the project mainly through T-shirt
sales and benefits.
He also performs at museums along the way, using a child's wading
pool to recreate the river. He displays the flotsam and jetsam he's
collected and talks about the hazards such as water snakes, boats
and pollution he's avoided.
"He says he's entertaining the people and the wildlife. He chants
while he swims and it echoes down the river," says Turnquist, who is
among Curmano's defenders.
But traditionalists prefer art with a "beginning, a middle and an
end," said Patrice Clark Koelsch of the Center for Arts Criticism in
St. Paul.
For them, "it takes place in a theater or gallery or in some sort
of art institution."
------------------------------
From: Guy_Saffold@mindlink.bc.ca (Guy Saffold)
Subject: Life in Cuba
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
>From a local newspaper story:
A riddle making the rounds in Cuba:
"What is a sardine?"
Answer: "A whale after thirty years of revolution."
------------------------------
Date: 26 Nov 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: boutell@brahms.udel.edu (Thomas B Boutell)
Subject: Magic and his Johnson
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Bo knows Magic Johnson.
And he's worried.
------------------------------
Date: 22 Nov 91 22:21:55 GMT
From: gmark@cbnewse.cb.att.com (gilbert.m.stewart)
Subject: Merlin's magic words in EXCALIBUR
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies,soc.culture.celtic
In article <1991Nov21.053617.24240@m.cs.uiuc.edu>, noe@m.cs.uiuc.edu
(Roger Noe) writes:
> In article <11461@vela.acs.oakland.edu> jcoughli@vela.acs.oakland.edu
> (John Coughlin) writes:
> >There was a discussion in my english class today concerning what
> >language Merlin was speaking in when he invoked the "charm of making"
> >in the movie Excalibur
>
> And at least one person has said it sounds something like:
>
> "annall nathrach oothvas bethood dochyell dienvay"
ann'all->ann meaning "two",all meaning, literally, completely or "all"
nathrach->beast of hooves, cattle->"beef"
oothvas->flat cake, plural-> "patties"
bethood->beth meaning better or "special", ood meaning a broth or "sauce"
dochyell->doch meaning leaves, here, most probably "lettuce, pickles"
dienvay->"dien" meaning "hot apple" or "onion", "vay" a Celtic word
describing a food preparation technique of placing all of the
parts of the meal on a fresh "sesame seed bun" with "cheese" and
the special sauce mentioned above. The clan that developed
this dish had some Scottish name I forget.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1991 21:23 EST
From: purifications-r-us <EGLI_PAUL_A@LILLY.COM>
Subject: more news from the world of science
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
843,000 Turkeys a Year Die of Heart Attacks
As if turkeys didn't have enough to worry
about with Thanksgiving arriving this week,
researchers at Pennsylvania State University
said last week that at least 843,000 of the birds
die annually of heart attacks. The problem is a
condition called round heart syndrome, in
which the birds' hearts can expand to four
times the normal size, bringing about cardiac
arrest or kidney failure.
Those conditions can send a turkey inuto
convulsions that are so frightening to healthy
turkeys that they, too, die of heart attacks. "It
is not uncommon to go into a bird house and see
the afflicted bird lying dead, surrounded by
three or four other birds that died because of
the hysteria caused," said poultry scientist
Andrew G. Yersin.
Yersin said the disease costs U.S. turkey
producers as much as $1.6 million a year.
Researcher Robert Wideman said the scien-
tists hope to learn why so many turkeys
develop the syndrome and to see if changing
breeding patterns might eliminate the problem.
The researchers said changing an afflicted
bird's diet and living conditions may allow it to
survive with round heart syndrome for the 14
weeks needed to reach maturity.
Los Angles Times, 25. November 1991
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 91 14:08:32 CST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: New Corporate Travel Guidelines
To: spaf
Following are the latest guidelines for travel, fyi.
Travel Guidelines
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are
effective immediately.
-- TRANSPORTATION
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly
encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees
prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will
be the prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be
authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lowest
fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in
Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit,
then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
-- LODGING
All emplyees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while
on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks
and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may
provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
-- MEALS
Meal expenses are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted
that some grocery chains, such as General Nutrition and Piggly
Wigglys, often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become
familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should seek places offering "all you can eat"
salad bars. This will be especially cost-effective for employees
traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire
group. Employees are encouraged to bring their own food while on
company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, Pork-n-Beans,
Beef-a-Roni, etc can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without
the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
-- ENTERTAINMENT
Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such
extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should
be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such action will save the
company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned
about providing a good product, not spending money on useless
frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who visit our
facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost-effective.
In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in
the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made
available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.
-- MISCELLANEOUS
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our
team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual
has already suggested that money raised during airport layover
periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this
idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all departing employees, so that
they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage.
Small plastic roses will also be issued so timely sales may be made.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Nov 91 05:32:39 GMT
From: lancelot@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us (Brett Breitwieser)
Subject: no more waffling about waffle
Newsgroups: alt.bbs.waffle
Thought I'd take the plunge and try setting up a Waffle-based bbs...
(dedicated to specialized VHF/UHF communications, SETI, ancient Egyptian
religion, california wines, japanese and italian films, and mail-order
brides, that kind of thing).
...
[Hmmm, must be located in california, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 13:34:24 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Not sure what this means...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
When it comes to taking medicine, "in the UK and Holland we prefer
tablets," Mr. Barrable said. "In France, they prefer suppositories," he
continued. "The Germans, on the other hand, prefer injections."
- "What Ails Europeans? Everything", NYT 11/26/91
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 19:55:35 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Now that's reassuring
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From the 4.3BSD "adb":
case 'a': case 'A':
error("No algol 68 on VAX");
/*NOTREACHED*/
and from the SunOS 4.1 "adb":
case 'a':
error("No algol 68 here");
/*NOTREACHED*/
------------------------------
Date: 28 Nov 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: merriam@ecst.csuchico.edu (Charles Merriam)
Subject: Programming the hard way
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I Made this up after we hired a programmer from Hewlett-Packard.
A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining
about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with
cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages.
You should be able to continue work, but you should give up
half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 05:11:07 EST
From: shaffer@shaffer.cs.vt.edu (Cliff Shaffer)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: faculty@vtopus.cs.vt.edu
"Virtual Reality might be the way to consume all future
advances in processing power."
- Jack Grimes
IEEE CG&A, Nov 1991, p. 81
------------------------------
Date: 27 Nov 91 05:12:32 GMT
From: jim@ferkel.ucsb.edu (Jim Lick)
Subject: Seen in Rolling Stone...
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality
[This sounds like the perfect Christmas gift to perplex the
recipient.... especially if opened in the presence of parents, in-laws,
or other ...er... inappropriate individuals. --spaf]
*WARNING: BLATANT COMMERCIAL CONTENT*
Paging through Rolling Stone today (Issue 619/620) I happened
to see the following ad:
GENITALIA POSTER
Penises of the Animal Kingdom... comparative anatomy chart (23"x35")
depicts the male copulatory organs of several animals from man to
whale. Features the finger-like appendage of the porpoise penis,
the extended urethra of the giraffe, and other genitological oddities.
A lithographic print of rare quality suitable for framing and display,
the poster includes an insert of descriptive text to complement the
graphics. Ideal as an educational resource, a decoration for home or
office, or a unique gift. To order: send $8.95 + $2 for P&H to
Scientific Novelty, Co., P.O. Box 673-B2, Bloomington, IN 47402.
Delivery by Christmas guaranteed for orders received by 12/20.
If you want to see the ad for yourself, it is on page 218 in column 1.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 11:43:41 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature quote of the day
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Pete Hardie ...!emory!nastar!phardie
Digital Transmission Systems, Inc. (voice) (404) 497-0101
Member, DTS Dart Team; Position: Goalie
------------------------------
From: merlyn@iwarp.intel.com (Randal L. Schwartz)
Subject: something goofy
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Line dropped from an early script of a popular Disney flick:
"Didn't there used to be more than eight of us, Hungry?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 10:40:12 CST
From: mbraun@urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: With a song in your heart...(The System V Song)
To: yucks
Note: I wrote this back in April, and posted it locally. Most of the hell
I caught for it is but a distant memory, so I figure it's safe to unleash
it to another forum, and catch a whole new round of lashings...
Subject: With a song in your heart...(The System V Song)
We all know how important it is to keep our spirits up, and to stay
optimistic and enthusiastic when schedules get tight. I've heard that
Japanese companies often have a "Company Song" to build loyalty,
enthusiasm, and "community spirit" among the employees. They might
actually have something there. The problem with Motorola doing the
same thing is that Mot' is such complex and diverse company, that by
the time we sang all of the verses and covered all of the divisions, 1)
we'd be hoarse, and 2) it'd be time to go home. (Hey! No...) As such
we'd probably be better off settling for a "Project Song".
I happen to have one here...
I figured we'd better make it a familiar tune, (since the music I write
generally comes out even worse than the lyrics do.) Two popular, happy
melodies that I was sure that "everyone" knew immediately came to
mind. I ruled out "Happy Birthday", since most of us still remember
"those other verses" from 3rd grade, and might slip and sing the wrong
words when Ed Staiano [stratospheric VP/division chief] visits, or
something. The tune that won out is (appropriately enough) the theme
from "The Mickey Mouse Club". Anyone know where we can get mouse hats
cheap?
I've got (the first) three verses here. It's easy enough to make up
your own. For instance, it took almost no time at all to come up with
most of these verses during Monday's project meeting... (oops.)
Anyway...
The "System V Song"
"What's the number one OS, sold by AT&T? [*]
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V
What's the only reason that I'm learning adb?
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V
System Five, It's System Five,
Our schedule stretches on eternally (-hee-hee-hee)
Which OS still won't be done in 2023?
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V!
"Who sucked features in from Xenix, DOS, and Ber-ke-ley?
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V
Who fakes yellow pages cause they hurt security?
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V
System Five, It's System Five,
The only thing that keeps our jobs alive
We'll be making megabucks for good ol' UDC [**]
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V!
"Why won't USL take OSF seriously? [***]
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V!
What's Excedrin Headache number fifteen-forty-three?
U-N-I, X-S-Y, S-T-E-M-V
System Five! It's System Five!
And soon we're even gonna have MP (hee-hee-hee)
What's the best OS around--except for BSD?
(Slowly) (Spoken:)
U-N-I: I guess we oughtta get back to work...
X-S-Y: Why? We're this far gone, and *now* you're asking `Why?'!?!
You want a good `why'? Take a look at the swapper code...
S-T-E-M Veeeeeeeee!!!"
[*] This was written back in April before AT&T sent USL to sliding down the
`razorblade of life' on their own.
[**] Urbana Design Centre--where I'm currently indentu--err, employed.
(Not for long if this particular muse rears its ugly head again.)
[***] Or vice versa, for that matter... As far as I can tell, the verse
is true no matter which way you sing it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1991 10:42 EST
From: BLAGDON%athena@leia.polaroid.com
Subject: yabba dabba doo...
To: eniac%mejac.palo-alto.ca.us@relay.prime.com
For those of you who don't read the Harper's Index:
Percentage of American men who say they would rather have sex with Betty
Rubble than Wilma Flintstone: 58.
I looked up the source:
Esquire and Beta Research Corporation
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 7:36:29 CST
From: John F Haugh II <jfh@rpp386.cactus.org>
Subject: yabba dabba doo...
To: eniac%mejac.palo-alto.ca.us@cs.utexas.edu (ENIAC Mailing List)
> Percentage of American men who say they would rather have sex with Betty
> Rubble than Wilma Flintstone: 58.
>
> I looked up the source:
> Esquire and Beta Research Corporation
The original statistic (along with quite a few other "I'd rather have <X>
than <Y>" statists) was published in the October Esquire. It is from an
article titled "Would you speak sadly of your beloved brother's assassination
to a woman you just met if it would help you seduce her?" (The answer to
that question is 23.3% yes, 75.5% no.)
For "Who would you rather be", the answers were
Colin Powell 37% Kevin Costner 56.8%
Peter Jennings 72.5% David Bowie 22.7%
Prince Charles 74% Prince 21.5%
Steven Seagal 58.2% Ralph Nader 35.9%
Woody Allen 27% Clint Eastwood 70%
John Elway 73.9% Dan Quayle 22.8%
------------------------------
From: LJOHUB::GONZALEZ "An Exaltation of Larks"
To: RAGMOP::T_PARMENTER
Did you hear about the person who confused cleanliness
with godliness?
He accepted Jesus Christ as his personal hygiene.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------