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Yucks Digest V1 #103
Yucks Digest Mon, 25 Nov 91 Volume 1 : Issue 103
Today's Topics:
A Funny for Yucks
Any Idea What This Is?
DA's [Douglas Adams] first published story "Untitled"
DA's review of MS Word for the mac in MacUser
Do great writers have to know grammar?
fly me to the moon
It appears that Martin Marietta is exploring new areas of energy efficiency.
Just the Fax, Ma'am
MacHumor: How to handle Apple & how Apple handles you
MOLASSES DEMON THEORY #17
Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
True Meaning of Aurora Borealis
VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 11:37:51 EST
From: Kathy <HEAPHY@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU>
Subject: A Funny for Yucks
To: spaf
I subscribe to an agricultural news service so I can keep up with the
daily happenings, and this was in today's postings:
"An American Soybean Association spokesman in Moscow called for a
quick U.S. credit package to help meat [sic] a dire Soviet need
for protein." -- from the Journal of Commerce
------------------------------
Date: 19 Nov 91 21:33:44 GMT
From: al@gtx.com (Alan Filipski)
Subject: Any Idea What This Is?
Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal,talk.bizarre
In article <1991Nov18.152159.8035@wam.umd.edu> arh@wam.umd.edu (Arash Kamangeer) writes:
>I received this letter on e-mail. I donot know how and why I was the
>selected lucky one. But if any body knows anything about these things
>to explain to me what is the purpose and meaning of such letters and what
>the sender(s) are trying to accomplish, I would appreciated the info.
> With Love, All Things Are Possible
>
>This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original came
[stupid letter deleted]
What you received was a badly corrupted version of the True Chain Letter,
and you may safely ignore it. For reference, I enclose the text of the
True Chain Letter(which you ignore at your own peril). In any case,
e-mail is not effective- you must circulate the letter in business reply
envelopes only.
WITH LOVE ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original is under
the linoleum of a mobile home in Alabama. It has been around the world
nine times. [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If
this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more
circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now
been sent to you. You will receive good luck within four days of
receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must
tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.
This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need good
luck within 96 hours.
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer
received $0.25 too much in change at a Circle K. John Elliot found a
box of brake shoes that had fallen off a truck, but, because he broke
the chain, was accused of stealing it by the police. When they
searched his home, they found bizarre sexual devices which they showed
to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray split his trousers,
51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this
happened, he found 70 centimes in the seat cushions of his Renault
2-CV. (was this the consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He
asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few
days later he encountered nothing but green lights on his way to work.
General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was
a quarter in the street. Actually, it was a 1909 S VDB walking liberty
half dime worth $19,000! His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did
not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object which turned
out to be a gob of spit from an unshaven merchant seaman. Heywood
Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot
that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went
bowling and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he
mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a better wife and won a
state Chess Championship, despite the fact that he had never played
chess before! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing,
threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled tea on his cravat.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and
barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to
her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on,
but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems
including steatopygia and waterbrash. The letter did not leave her
hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and got a Hottentot
apron!
NOVENA TO ST. JUDE
O Holy St. Jude, apostle and martyr, great in virtue and rich in
miracles, kinsman of Jesus H. Christ and St. Genet, Our Lady of the
Flowers, faithful intercursor of all who invoke your special umbrage in
time of need, to you I have recourse from the depth of my victuals and
humbly beg to whom God Yahweh the Demiurge by dint of Eternal Slack has
given such moot power to come to my aid. Help me in my unctuous and
volatile petition. In return, I promise to ululate your name to Heaven
and cause you to be invoked with hecatombs of kine. O Jude, do not be
afraid. Remember to let her into your heart. Then you can start to
make it better. Kyrie Eleison kai Brekekekex Koax Koax. Om Mani Padme
Hum. Sic transit gloria mundi et in hoc signo vinces. AMEN.
Say three Our Fathers, three Hail Marys, and a sincere Pledge of
Allegiance. Publication (passing of this novena) must be promised.
St. Jude and St. Priapus, pray for us and all who invoke your aid.
This novena has never been known to fail.
------------------------------
Date: 11 Nov 91 17:00:54 GMT
From: fnord@pine.circa.ufl.edu (Bam-Bam)
Subject: DA's [Douglas Adams] first published story "Untitled"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
SHORT STORY
The author of that wholly remarkable book, THE HITCHHIKER'S
GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, actually wrote things before he became
famous. What follows is Douglas Adams' first published short
story, "Untitled." It appeared in EAGLE AND BOYS' WORLD,
February 27, 1965. Adams was twelve years old.
"'London Transport Lost Property Office' -- this is
it," said Mr Smith, looking in at the window. As he went in,
he tripped over the little step and almost crashed through
the glass door.
"That could be dangerous -- I must remember it when I
go out," he muttered.
"Can I help you?" asked the lost-property officer.
"Yes, I lost something on the 86 bus yesterday."
"Well, what was it you lost?" asked the officer.
"I'm afraid I can't remember," said Mr Smith.
"Well, I can't help you, then," said the exasperated
officer.
"Was anything found on the bus?" asked Mr Smith.
"I'm afraid not, but can you remember anything about
this thing?" said the officer, desperately trying to be
helpful.
"Yes, I can remember that it was a very bad --
whatever-it-was."
"Anything else?"
"Ah, yes, now I come to think of it, it was something
like a sieve," said Mr Smith, and he put his elbow on the
highly-polished counter and rested his chin on his hands.
Suddenly, his chin met the counter with a resounding crack.
But before the officer could assist him up, Mr Smith jumped
triumphantly into the air.
"Thank you very much," he said.
"What for?" said the officer.
"I've found it," said Mr Smith.
"Found what?"
"MY MEMORY!" said Mr Smith, and he turned round,
tripped over the step and smashed through the glass door!
D.N. Adams (12), Brentwood, Essex
------------------------------
Date: 14 Nov 91 00:41:00 GMT
From: breidenb@hphalle0.informatik.tu-muenchen.de (Oliver Breidenbach)
Subject: DA's review of MS Word for the mac in MacUser
Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
OK, since a lot of people took an interest (actually I counted four who sent
me e-mail -- Thanks guys.) here it is. It is kind of outdated, but
nevertheless quite funny. The things in capital letters are comments
by the editors.
In MacUser "The Macintosh Resource" September 1987 page 144 you
can find the following article:
Douglas Adams'
Guide to the Macintosh
WE ARE NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE - PERHAPS WE ASKED THE
WRONG QUESTION - BUT WE THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS.
There's a joke i remember that went around my school playground
(this was a while ago, sometime during the long dark ages that
stretched from the emergence of Australopithecus on the plains of
East Africa, to the release of "A Hard Day's Night") that went
like this:
A man was giving a lecture on sexual techniques. There were, he
said, eleven basic positions for sexual intercourse. "Two hundred
and ninety seven!" interrupted a voice from the back. "The first
of these eleven basic positions -," continued the speaker. "Two
hundred and ninety seven," shouted the heckler again. "- is the
one in which the man lies on top of the woman."
"Oh," said the heckler, momentarily flummoxed, "two hundred and
ninety eight!"
I mention this for a reason [good - Ed.], which is that I want
to contrast for a moment the number of features on two different
word processors. One of them is Microsoft Word 3.0, billed as the
most comprehensive word processor yet - powerful, flexible,
configurable to the demands of any professional writing task, it
takes 600 pages of manual just to describe all its features
(twice, admittedly).
The other word processor is miniWRITER, a desk accessory which
only has about two features, one of which Word 3.0 hasn't got. And
it's not a negligible feature either. As a professional novelist
and occasional desktop publisher it's the first thing I looked for
after I'd torn off the shrink wrap, and I discovered it wasn't
there, I cursed and swore, went out for a sullen lunch and shouted
at the barman.
"Something wrong, sir?" he said. "Oh, nothing," I said
gloomily. "It's just the new version of Microsoft Word."
"Ah," he said, wiping a glass sympathetically, "I expect it's
the manual that'll be getting you down then, sir. I always tell my
customers, 'there's nothing in life so difficult that a Microsoft
manual can't make it completely incomprehensible.' One of my
regulars - chap called Fred, perhaps you know him, little wizened
grey-haired fellow, about thirtyish - told me he'd been using Word
1.05 for two years before he discovered that you could search for
carriage returns and tabs after all. He just thought they'd
omitted it out of spite. But no, it was in there alright. It was
even in the manual. Just not so as you could find it, that's all.
It was his brother Jim as discovered it. He was doing three month
solitary at the time. 'At least give me something to read,'he
pleaded with the warders."
"Heartless brutes, they gave him a Microsoft Word manual. He
was a broken man at the end of it, but he did know which page the
Special Characters search routines were on, as there's not many as
can say that. It's an ill wind."
"No," I sighed, "it's not just the manual."
He narrowed his eyes apprehensively. "My God," he breathed,
"don't say they left out the word count again... Oh the
senselessness of it all!"
"It's not even the word count," I said, "though God knows
that's bad enough."
"Six of my regulars are journalists," muttered the barman,
pulling a pint savagely, "I don't know how they're going to take
it. I just don't know it at all. It's the families I feel sorry
for. The ones that have to live with them at the end of the day.
Tragic it is , sir, tragic."
"Well, just think how I feel," I said. "I'm ... I'm a
novelist."
The barman frowned, not understanding. "A novelist, eh?" he
said. He held the bank note I'd paid for my drink with up to the
light.
"Yes," I said. "I write a lot of dialogue."
"Go on, sir," he said.
"Well just think about it," I said. "Supposing I was going to
write down everything we had said so far in dialogue form, and
introduce it all with a joke..."
"What joke?" he said. I told him. He winced.
"Can you see the problem I'd have?" I asked.
"Yes, sir. I'd cut the joke," he said.
"No!" I said. "Well maybe. But that's not the point. Think man!
Think of all those quotation marks!"
The barman frowned, still not understanding.
"Left quotaion marks and right quotation marks," I insisted.
"Remember how you get them?"
"Well, yes...." He frowned in concentration. "It's something
like - left double quote is Option Left Square Bracket, right
double quote is, er, let me see, Shift Option Left Square Bracket,
or Option Left Curly Bracket if you prefer, and then left single
quote is Option Right Square Bracket and - er, where was I? It's a
bit complicated to remember..."
"Exactly!" I said. "And that is something that I have had to
stop and work out eighty times so far just on this article! That's
considerably more often than the letter 'g'. Eighty-two now."
"Well, yes," said the barman, "but it's only profesional
writers who are going to be bothered about putting in proper
quotes isn't it? Only people who write novels, or do desktop
publishing or typesetting or prepare camera-ready copy, or just
generally care about what their printing looks like..." He
paused. "My God," he breathed, "I'm beginning to see what you
mean..."
"Ninety," I said.
"But listen," said the barman, urgently, "all you have to do is
to type in the generic quotes and then do a quick search and
replace routine at the end of the day. Well, four search and
replace routines. A quote mark that follows any character other
than a space or a single or double quote mark, or of course a
single or double left or right quote mark..."
He looked aghast. "Isn't there some other line of work you
could try?" he said. "I hear you were once a chicken shed
cleaner..."
"Believe me, I've been tempted," I said. "We're up to a hundred
and two now, by the way. No, the answer should be very simple.
Just put in a routine that converts quotes as you type. It just
looks at the context and does it automatically."
"But that would be insanely complicated," said the barman,
"just think of the amount of code..." He broke out in a sweat and
took a soothing pull at his beer.
"About twelve lines," I said. "MiniWRITER does it, and that's
just a desk accessory. So one way of getting round the problem is
to do all your writing in miniWRITER and then paste it into Word.
Makes some kind of sense doesn't it? Or of course you can use
Laser Author version 2.00, which also features SmartQuotes. It's
very easy to implement."
"Then landsakes," exclaimed the barman, banging his fist on the
bar, "why haven't Microsoft put SmartQuotes into Word 3.0?"
"Why is there pain and misery in the world?" I said, "Why is
the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why didn't Microsoft even put in a
word count? These things are unknowable."
"You, sir, are a philosopher," said the barman. "You have to be
in this business," I said and left.
That evening I was back. "I wrote it in Laser Author in the
end," I said, taking a hefty swig of Perrier, "One thousand two
hundred and seven words. One hundred and twenty-eight quote
marks."
AS THE AUTHOR OFTHE FOURBOOKS OF THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE
GALAXY TRILOGY, AND THE PERPETRATOR OF TWO INFOCOM TEXT ADVENTURES
(HITCHHIKER'S AND BUREAUCRACY), DOUGLAS ADAMS NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 21:40:40 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Do great writers have to know grammar?
To: yucks-request
By John Sinor
Copley News Service
For years, I had trouble reading Charles Dickens, a tower of
classic British literature. In time, I was able to get through and
enjoy his books, not because I got any smarter but because my patience
grew.
Now a recent news release on my desk says a computer analysis of a
portion of his work reveals he actually wrote to the fifth-grade
level.
His writing, the release notes, was filled with lengthy sentences
and inaccurate punctuation.
The computer took a look at 54 selected paragraphs of Dickens' "A
Christmas Carol" to decide this.
The system's grammar- and style-checking software program offered
118 suggestions to tighten Dickens' writing and avoid phrases and
slang that the computer said targeted his writing toward readers at
the fifth-grade level.
One of the complaints of the computer was the famous Scrooge
expression, "Humbug!" It was dismissed as a colloquialism.
You could look that one up. It merely means "conversational."
Perhaps the computer fell into the old trap of using the word to mean
"a localism or regionalism."
Even if it did, what's wrong with an old Englishman using words
that were common in Old England?
I think the computer, admittedly applying modern grammatical rules,
was applying the wrong rules. Dickens' work was hardly modern.
There's no way for me to understand how the computer figures
"lengthy sentences" are aimed at the fifth-grade level.
You wonder what in the world the same computer would do with James
Joyce's work.
And how would William Faulkner work out on the computer? Some of
his sentences went on for pages, and they were reportedly shortened by
his editor.
One of the passages the computer apparently liked and left alone
was Scrooge's description of Marley's ghost as a result of indigestion
"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb
of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than
grave about you, whatever you are."
Jumping to Dickens' defense was Robert Glenn, an English professor
at Marquette University and a Dickens authority.
Professor Glenn said Dickens knew his audience, wrote popular
literature to suit them and expected to establish the grammar of his
time.
What he didn't say was that much of Dickens' work appeared as
newspaper articles of the day long before it was printed in books.
He simply wrote in the style of his times.
No newspaper writer today would dare to write long, wordy sentences
in his copy.
Yet, you'll find few who claim they can match the work of Dickens.
Applying modern grammar rules to the writing of Dickens' day makes
about as much sense as comparing the price of groceries of the two
periods one didn't have much to do with the other.
You might as well turn the computer loose on the original works of
Shakespeare, which were mostly completed before many particular rules
for spelling were even set down.
From most of the early things I have read, Shakespeare wasn't even
sure of how to spell his name. But the man could write a bit.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Nov 91 11:47:26 AST
From: asljl@acad2.alaska.edu
Subject: fly me to the moon
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
HEY YOU ALL OUT THERE
LISTEN UP I GOT SOME SERIOUS
QUESTIONS THAT ARE LOOKING FOR GOOD SERIOUS ANSWERS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NASA?
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PSI(E.S.P)
DO YOU HAVE PSI ABLITY
HOW WOULD YOU GET TO THE MOON?
THESE QUESTIONS ARE FOR ANYBODY IN ANY NEWSGROUP. WE ARE SERIOUS
ABOUT LEAVING EARTH AND STARTING A NEW COLONY THERE
WE HAVE ONE POSSIBLE ENGINE DESIGN BUT WE NEED THE HELP OF OTHERS
WHO FEEL AS WE DO. WE IS GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO FEEL AND THINK THIS,
ARE YOU AS DISGUSTED WITH NASA AS WE ARE? HELP US TO THE MOON
I am not yelling I am annoucing.
I aplogize for the typos. I am aware of vax protocal.
signed
Lady Rhavyn
[Hmmm, aware of Vax protocol? Is that related to a psi-based starship
drive? If you contact this person to join the lunar colony, please
be sure to send me a forwarding address for Yucks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 91 11:14:16 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: It appears that Martin Marietta is exploring new
areas of energy efficiency.
To: yucks-request
Maybe they'll be working on the "missing sock" problem, too.
From: jeanv@iplmail.orl.mmc.com (Jean Vasicek)
Newsgroups: sci.electronics
Subject: Clothes Dryer Lint Screen Dilemma
Keywords: energy, efficiency, longevity
Date: 15 Nov 91 13:58:53 GMT
Organization: Martin Marietta
Does anyone know the effects of a chronically dirty lint screen on
the logevity, and energy efficiency of a clothes dryer? Can keeping
the lint screen clean (i.e. cleaning after each use) significantly
increase the life of a dryer? Also, does a dirty screen decrease the
dryer's energy efficiency (by how much)? Calculations and/or
literature references would be greatly appreciated.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 91 09:16:47 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Just the Fax, Ma'am
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Safe FAX guidelines
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many
single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young,
and had to write memos to each other until they were 21.
How old do you think someone should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn
the correct procedures.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay
to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax
drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to
fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a
cover should be used to ensure safe faxing.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I
fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they
haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over (most
people don't mind if you try again).
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions
become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use
a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're
not supposed to.
------------------------------
Date: 18 Nov 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: 665instr@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu (Ian)
Subject: MacHumor: How to handle Apple & how Apple handles you
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(Excerpts quoted from Sept 1991 issue of MacUser)
Q: ... Periodically the screen shakes. Can this harm the hardware? ...
Andy: ... And don't forget that, according to Apple's standard warranty card,
if technicians tell you, "Oh, they all do that," you're allowed to poke them
right in the eye. ...
Bob: Excellent advice. I disagree only on one point: I don't recommend
going around poking technicians in the eye. A better technique is to
loudly proclaim, "To h*** with this! I can buy an IBM clone and
Windows 3 for one-tenth the cost of a similarly equipped Mac!" I
guarantee your Mac will be fixed on the spot.
Q: ... I get a message saying, "The Application has unexpectly quit (1)." ...
Bob: ... Of course, with Systems 6.0.7 and 7, Apple has replaced the
meaningless error-ID numbers (1, 2, 12, 25, and so on) with
meaningless phrases such as "Co-processor not installed," "Bus error,"
and the ever-popular "Address error." Not only are these phrases
meaningful only to people who understand the internal architecture ...
but they also often have nothing to do with the cause of the problem.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Nov 91 23:18:58 GMT
From: jbaez@lagrange.mit.edu (John C. Baez)
Subject: MOLASSES DEMON THEORY #17
Newsgroups: sci.physics
[...]
Here is where molasses demon theory #17 comes in. I am adapting it from
a well-known philosopher. Say someone comes up to you and says "I
believe in the molasses demon theory. Namely, if you fast for one day
and then pour a fresh bottle of molasses on your head, then tap the
floor with your left foot 17 times, a monstrous demon will appear." He
argues that it would be unfair to dismiss this theory before doing the
experiment. So you do the experiment, but, just as you expected, no
demon appears. After a shower you confront the crank and say that you
have refuted his crazy theory. But then he says, "That was molasses
demon theory #17. After I spoke to you I realized I made a
miscalculation. The actual, correct, theory is molasses demon theory
#18." And he claims that it would be unfair to dismiss *this* theory
before testing it.
This example may seem silly, but if one likes one could consider instead
the Brans-Dicke scalar-tensor theory of gravity, which admitted a
constant such that as this constant approached infinity, their theory
became ever harder to distinguish from general relativity
experimentally. Eventually, when the constant got high enough, people
lost interest.
So, the point is, when one has finite time, there are certain theories
one must dismiss even at some slight risk of being
"unfair." For in fact, by wasting ones time on these theories one is
being unfair to all the more interesting ideas one would otherwise be
spending ones time on. One can say to the proponent of such a theory,
"maybe you're right, but I'm willing to bet on the fact that you're
wrong, so I won't continue to spend my time worrying about whether
you're right."
------------------------------
Date: 11 Nov 91 20:13:57 GMT
From: sherman@.cs.umbc.edu (Dr. Alan Sherman)
Subject: Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
Newsgroups: rec.music.dementia
Announcing: Technical Report TRCS-91-17, University of Maryland
Baltimore County. A preliminary version of this paper appeared in two
parts in {\it SIGACT News}, {\bf 22}:1 (winter 1991), Whole Number~78,
65--73, and {\bf 22}:2 (spring 1991), Whole Number~79, 51--56.
On Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
Alan T. Sherman
Computer Science Department
University of Maryland Baltimore County
Baltimore, Maryland 21228
and
Institute for Advanced Computer Studies
University of Maryland College Park
College Park, Maryland 20742
June 21, 1990 (revised April 1, 1991)
Abstract
A superpolylogarithmic subexponential function is any function that
asymptotically grows faster than any polynomial of any logarithm but
slower than any exponential. We present a recently discovered
nineteenth-century manuscript about these functions, which in part
because of their applications in cryptology, have received
considerable attention in contemporary computer science research.
Attributed to the little-known yet highly-suspect
composer/mathematician Maria Poopings, the manuscript can be sung to
the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'' from the musical
Mary Poppins. In addition, we prove three ridiculous facts about
superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions. Using novel extensions
to the popular DTIME notation from complexity theory, we also define
the complexity class SuperPolyLog/SubExp, which consists of all
languages that can be accepted within deterministic
superpolylogarithmic subexponential time. We show that this class is
notationally intractable in the sense that it cannot be conveniently
described using existing terminology. Surprisingly, there is some
scientific value in our notational novelties; moreover, students may
find this paper helpful in learning about growth rates, asymptotic
notations, cryptology, and reversible computation.
Keywords. Algorithms, asymptotic notation, complexity theory,
cryptography, cryptology, DTIME, mathematical humor, Maria Poopings,
Mary Poppins, musical computer science, reversible computation,
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, superpolylogarithmic
subexponential functions, SuperPolyLog/SubExp.
--- lyrics ---
Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
(Sung to the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.'')
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Faster than a polylog but slower than exponential.
Even though they're hard to say, they're truly quintessential.
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
For Alice to send a message through to Bob when Eve's eavesdropping,
do use a trapdoor one-way function---not a one-key mapping.
First take a message x, let's say, and raise it to the e;
then mod it out by p times q but keep these secretly. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
The process takes but poly-time and appears to be secure:
why even just a single bit is one over polylog pure.
Though Alice thinks that Eve must spend time at least exponential,
by using Lenstra's elliptic curves, Eve splits n subexponentially. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Most computations dissipate a lot of energy;
we remove the heat with water but there's a better strategy.
Since thermodynamics does not apply when info is not doomed,
the laws of physics don't require that power be consumed. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Now Bennett said in `73, to run a program P,
you simulate the program P, but do so reversibly.
The problem with this method is that space is exponential,
so trade off time to save on space---this really is essential! Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Did you know if you invert one, you get a
funtionential subexporithmic logapolyrepus?
But that's quite a singularity! So,
If you are in an oral exam and cannot find the way,
just summon up these words and then you've got a lot to say.
But better use them carefully or you could fail the test.
A professor once asked me,
``What do you call functions that grow faster than any
polylogarithm but slower than exponential?'' There're,
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
--- end of lyrics ---
Note: See paper for detailed performance notes and mathematical
proofs by anagramming.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Nov 91 00:30:03 GMT
From: gilesm@bird.UUCP (Giles Morris)
Subject: True Meaning of Aurora Borealis
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Unravelling of the mysteries of the Northern lights!
Aurora Borealis revealed!
After reading too much about flat-panel plasma displays, I received a
divine revelation telling me the purpose of the shimmering curtains of
light in the Northern skies: It's a planetary terminal (but, luckily,
not the console).
With the knowledge of the revelation I was able to reinterpret the
patterns, and saw this:
$
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
su -
Password:
#shutdown -y -g1y
Not on console
#reboot
Not on console
#df /dev/asia
(/dev/asia ): 89 blocks: 0 i-nodes
#rm -r /usr/acct/ussr
#df /dev/asia
(/dev/asia ): 257349 blocks: 8437 i-nodes
#^d
$
We came pretty close that time.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 16:50:36 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best.
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Wall Street Journal, Thursday November 14 1991
Digital Finds Being Pilfered Can Help Sales
By John R. Wilke
Staff Reporter of The Wall Street Journal
MAYNARD Mass. - Preventing Digital Equipment Corp.'s computer design from
being stolen during the Cold War was a futile effort, and Digital
engineers knew it. On the silicon chip at the heart of the company's
computers was a microscopic legend, etched in Cyrillic script: ``VAX.
For those who care enough to steal the very best.''
Now, with the easing earlier this year of restrictions on technology trade
with the East, the smuggled computer designs are giving Digital an
unintended edge in the emerging Eastern European markets. It has found
it has eager customers in countries where it has never done business.
``We were very familiar with the Digital design,'' says Ferenc Farkas, an
official of the Hungarian Telecomm Co., the state-owned phone company, in
an interview from Budapest. ``All of our corporate networks already are
Digital, and there are a great many clones throughout the region. This
should give Digital a big advantage over its competitors here.''
The phone company became one of Digital's first customers in the region
when it opened a subsidiary in Hungary last year, formed as a partnership
with a local company that had been selling Digital clones. Digital also
recently opened units in Poland and Czechoslovakia, and saw its sales in
Germany surge 23% to $1.03 billion in fiscal 1991 from a year ago, fueled
partly by reunification with the former East Germany.
Indeed, East Germany's Robotron AG manufacturing conglomerate was one of
the largest makers of machines that copied Digital's design, trade
specialists say. Digital's VAX and earlier PDP-11 computers were prized
in the East Bloc because of their military, industrial and scientific
applications, Commerce Department officials say, and there are an
estimated 80,000 Digital clones in the region.
One of Digital's first moves after the fall of the Berlin Wall was to sign
distribution agreements with Robotron, which has since been broken up into
smaller companies. Like Digital's Hungarian partner, the clone maker has
access to customers eager to buy the real thing. Other computer makers,
especially International Business Machines Corp., were targeted by clone
makers, but apparently to a lesser extent. ``Digital machine were the
most sought-after, by both legitimate and illegitimate buyers, from the
KGB to industrial groups,'' says Paul Freedenberg, who was a Reagan
administration undersecretary of commerce for export administration. He
recalls seeing Digital clones running a Hungarian government research lab
in Budapest in 1987.
Trade officials say that for most of the period when technology trade with
the East Bloc was severely restricted, Digital had one of the tightest
systems for preventing diversions and often worked with the government to
stop smugglers. but early in the decade Digital was hit with a $1.5
million export fine, one of the largest ever assessed by the government,
after its German unit - unknowingly, Digital says - sold restricted VAX
computers to a front company controlled by Richard Mueller, a Berlin
businessman identified as a leading high-tech smuggler. The sales took
place between 1981 and 1983.
Smuggler's Choice
Another smuggling ring was uncovered with arrests in Texas and Colorado
in 1988, when Customs agents nabbed an East Block-bound VAX.
So far, Digital and IBM have only modest sales in Eastern Europe and the
Soviet Union. IBM won't disclose its results but a spokesman says that
``the potential is still a long way down the road.'' Digital did just $16
million in Hungary in its first year - fiscal 1991 ended June 29 - a
pittance for a firm that had a revenue of $13.91 billion in fiscal 1991.
Both still see vast potential in the region.
The trick is getting paid. As others have found, doing business in
Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union presents extraordinary challenges.
Digital is discussing a multimillion-dollar barter of computers for what
could become the headquarters for its soon-to-be opened Moscow subsidiary,
an office-building owned by the city's municipal government. The agency
wants to computerize the city land and tax record, according to an
attorney retained by Moscow officials.
``One problem in something like this is that there is quite a bit of
confusion as to who exactly owns real estate in the Soviet Union right
now,'' says the attorney, Harold R. Davis of Boston. Another challenge,
he says, is setting fair property values.
Digital, is exploring ways of changing its rubles into Indian rupees, one
of the few directly convertible currencies.
Poor Quality Copies
For the most part, the East Block Clones were inexact copies of poor
quality. Indeed, by the late 1980s, the Soviets were unable to keep pace
with chip makers in the West, says Mr. Freedenberg, the Reagan trade
official. So the Russian-language message etched into the VAX chip was
little more than a taunt, Digital says. ``It was unofficial, unsanctioned
and a bit embarrassing,'' a spokesman says.
But the most important legacy of the clone era, Digital says, is the many
customers and programmers schooled in VAX software. ``It's the kind of
training that takes years to develop in other markets,'' says Pier Carlo
Falotti, president of Digital's European operations.
An IBM spokesman says that familiarity with East Blocks of its old system
360 and 370 designs ``is one of the reasons our model 9370, a small
mainframe, has become so popular over there.'' Like Digital, IBM has
established companies in Czechoslovakia, Hungary, and Poland, the three
most advanced Eastern European economies, and in Moscow, where Digital
expects to open offices in mid-December.
If its economy stabilizes, the Soviet Union is perhaps the biggest prize.
``This is an almost entirely untapped market of some 290 million people,''
says Esther Dyson, editor of Release 1.0, an industry newsletter. ``For
companies like Digital with the money and patience to invest for the long
term, it's a vast opportunity.''
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------