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Yucks Digest V1 #82
Yucks Digest Tue, 10 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 82
Today's Topics:
15-Foot Replica of Condom Inflated On Helms' Roof
A fairly nasty bug...
Cows are our friends
Crop Circles a Hoax?
French fries provide COMPLETE nutrition !!
From Blackadder
good catalog
Life 7.E
Never, never, never
Ouch!!
Pizza Meat Meets Red Tape Crunch
Road Hazard!
The D.C. "Shrimp" Connection
Warning labels
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
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Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 91 07:57:47 -0700
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: 15-Foot Replica of Condom Inflated On Helms' Roof
To: spaf
ARLINGTON, Va. (AP) _ A 15-foot replica of a condom remained
inflated on the roof of Sen. Jesse Helms' suburban Washington home
for at least 15 minutes before police ordered it taken down, an
AIDS activist group said Thursday.
Seven protesters used two blowers powered by a portable
generator to fill the nylon replica with air, said Peter Staley,
30, a member of Treatment Action Guerrillas.
``A condom to stop unsafe politics,'' said the printed message.
``Helms is deadlier than a virus.''
The group, which was formed by members of the militant AIDS
activist group ACT-UP, was protesting positions the North Carolina
Republican has taken on several AIDS-related issues, Staley said.
``We pulled the plug after the police arrived,'' said Staley,
who is infected with the AIDS virus. ``We helped take the condom
down at their request and the house looked just as it was before we
arrived.''
There were no arrests and no charges are pending, said Tom Bell,
a spokesman for Arlington County police.
``They were just trying to get a little publicity. I guess it
worked, too,'' Bell said.
Helms was told about the demonstration but had no comment, the
senator's office said.
``It's obvious to us he wants us dead,'' Staley said. ``We were
trying to say, `If you mess with us, you're going to wake up one
morning to find a condom on your house'.''
[Hmm, is that an antenna on your roof, or are you glad to see us, Jesse?]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 91 16:10:33 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A fairly nasty bug...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Forwarded from some folks at Sun:
Take a look at the description of BugID 1069120 when you can.
Imagine what it would take to get a Priority 1 Severity 1 bug. ;^)
----- End Included Message -----
Bug Id: 1069120
Category: x11news
Subcategory: program
Bug/Rfe: bug
State: closed
Synopsis: openwin install kills japanese man
Severity: 3
Priority: 3
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 91 11:09:01 -0500
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: Cows are our friends
To: spaf
[This is a follow-up to things published earlier in Yucks. --spaf]
I thought your readership might find this amusing:
Burping cow update: The Chicago Tribune quotes a Cornell University
researcher who says cows are getting a bad rap as major producers of
greenhouse gases. While some scientists blame belching bovines for
15% of the methane in the atmosphere, Cornell's Duane Chapman says
they also remove a significant amount of carbon dioxide, so their
contribution may be only 5%. Seems as though there's more gas being
generated by people over this issue than by the cows.
This appeared in the September 1991 issue of Farm Journal magazine.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 12:29:32 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Crop Circles a Hoax?
To: yucks-request
Newspaper Says 2 Men Claim They Did Wheatfield Circle Hoax
LONDON (AP) - A newspaper said today the mysterious wheatfield
circles in southern England that have baffled scientists for years
were a hoax created by two men who have come forward to claim
responsibility.
The tabloid Today said Douglas Bower and David Chorley of
Southampton contacted the newspaper and gave detailed information
about how they planned and executed each design since the late
1970s. The newspaper said it paid no money in connection with the
story.
Some people were convinced the circles were created by
extra-terrestrials. Patrick Delgado, author of two books on that
theme, said it looked as if he and many others had been duped.
Bower said he had lived in Australia during a period when
similar circles were put in crops in Queensland ``as a joke,''
Today said.
The two men hit on the idea of doing it in England while sitting
in a pub ``wondering what we could do for a bit of a laugh,'' Bower
was quoted as saying.
Today said it had checked the men's circle-making skills in a
field and then invited Delgado to see the result. His response, the
story said: ``No human could have done this.''
The men used four-foot planks with rope reins to flatten the
wheat and produce circles, the story said. Straight lines were made
using a simple wire ``gunsight'' on a baseball cap that allowed the
men to walk while aiming at a distant object, it said.
The wheat was bent down rather than broken so farmers could
still harvest the crop, Today said.
The vast circles and geometric patterns were ``a great con and a
great dirty trick,'' Delgado told Press Association, the British
domestic news agency.
``I was taken for a ride like many other people. But if it
wasn't me who was duped, it would have been someone else later on.
This was obviously a great joke lasting years, but somewhere or
another it would have been exposed,'' Delgado was quoted as saying.
Today said the two men, both in their 60s, were tired of people
making money from the circles - an apparent reference to books that
have been sold on the subject.
[NOTE: On CNN today, reporting on this story, the British head of the
"Crop Circles Research Institute" (really!) who seems unwilling to
accept that the circles are a hoax, started questioning one of the
tricksters about Mandelbrot patterns as an alternative "natural"
explanation!]
------------------------------
Date: 8 Sep 91 22:21:01 GMT
From: tgh@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Thomas Hammond)
Subject: French fries provide COMPLETE nutrition !!
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
[The newsgroup this was in seems to attract fringe cases.
This is pretty close to the edge. --spaf]
Well, Hi !!
French fries provide absolutely ALL of a human person's nutri-
tional needs !! Has anybody else heard about this. I certainly
haven't ! But I was wondering anyway ... I mean you never know.
Most of America's potatoes come from Idaho, right ? Well, just
the other day I was driving through Idaho on Interstate 84, and I
was doing the local speed limit, which between Boise and Pocatello
is about 95 miles per hour, when BLAPPITY BLAPPO !!! I ran over a
rattlesnake who was sunning himself on the road. Now I know most of
you are saying, "Good ! There's one less killer snake to sink his
teeth thingers into my kids !!". Or maybe you just said, "Good !"
But hold on a minute !! Things aren't always what they seem.
When I ran over this snake, I must've hit the head part, because one
of this fangs stuck into the recessed part of the tire, in between
two treads. So I drove all the way home to Colorado with no apparent
problems. I parked the car Friday afternoon, and when I came out to
go to work Monday morning, the tire was flat and there was air all
over the driveway and all that had leaked out through the snake fang
which is hollow so they can do their juice into your leg. So what
are the probabilities you can get a flat tire because of a snake
fang ? About the universe to 1.
So what's the point of all this you ask ?? Just that sometimes
rumors are based in fact. So is it really possible that French
fries maybe DO provide a complete diet by themselves ? I mean
maybe ???
Let me know what you've heard.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 1991 16:03:08 PDT
From: Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Subject: From Blackadder
To: JXerarch.dl.OSBU_North@xerox.com
Blackadder is a TV show, Blackadder quotes:
"I wanted to see a war fought SO badly"
"Well, you've come to the right place. A war hasn't been fought THIS
badly since King Otto the Incredibly Stupid ordered 8000 viking helmets
with the horns on the INside."
Lord Melchit: Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a map
of the area you'll be traversing.
BA: But it's blank!
LM: Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go.
[Sounds kinda like research, eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue Sep 10 09:32:39 EST 1991
From: spaf
Subject: good catalog
To: yucks
There's a company called "Funny Side Up" that has a rather interesting
catalog. They market a number of items that are either tacky,
stupid, or hysterical depending on your outlook and mood.
For instance, they carry the poster I've been looking for ever since I
heard about it ("This is your brain....this is your brain on
drugs....this is your brain with a side order of bacon."), T-shirts
with weird sayings ("Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore"),
unusual costume supplies (a 2-person horse costume), odd books, and
other strange gift items (e.g., a flyswatter that plays the
funeral march when used).
They don't carry the "Love Ewe" inflatable sheep (available from Miss
Kitty's, Bozeman MT, 1-800-262-9269...have you taken yours to your new
office, Tom?), but it has other equally embarassing gifts, including a
few I may have to get prior to April 1.
To get a catalog, write or call:
Funny Side Up
425 Stump Rd.
North Wales, PA 19454
+1 212-361-5130
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 1991 16:49:18 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Life 7.E
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX
Please, don't drink
and derive.
Mathematicians
Against
Drunk
Deriving
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 11:48:47 EDT
From: "Jonathan D. Trudel" <jdt@bugs.rmd.com>
Subject: Never, never, never
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
I never expected the Wall Street Journal to quote someone on the front
page as saying:
This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen.
I've neglected to tell you, of course, that it's in an article about a
archeaologist who specializes in dung.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 1991 16:49:18 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Ouch!!
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
From: "Dean Gottehrer" <FFDMG%ALASKA.BITNET@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu>
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply
couldn't afford more children. They looked around and found an excellent
Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then...they found out she was going to
have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other
child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named
them Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a
very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the
youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son.
She said to her husband "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this
of our other son, too." He replied "Dear, they are twins. When you've seen
Juan you've seen Amal."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Sep 91 10:42:28 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Pizza Meat Meets Red Tape Crunch
To: yucks-request
Pizza Hut Told: Hold Pepperoni
WASHINGTON (AP)
When Pizza Hut delivers to 2,000 school cafeterias around the
country, the Agriculture Department says "Hold the pepperoni!"
Onions are OK; so are olives and green peppers. But Pizza Hut's
meat-topped pizzas are taboo in the federal school lunch program.
At issue is a decades-old regulation that mandates costly federal
inspections of restaurants if they are to deliver meat-topped pizzas
to the lunch program.
Pizza Hut is challenging the rule with appeals to Congress, the
White House and Agriculture Secretary Edward Madigan. Meanwhile, it
is making do by serving cheese, veggie or pepperoni-flavored pizzas
to school cafeterias.
It is up to individual school districts to decide whether to
contract with fast-food outlets for school lunches.
Cafeteria managers say students want a meatier pie and along with
Pizza Hut have asked Congress to ease the regulations. The House has
agreed, and legislation is pending in the Senate.
"We had high school students, school administrators and parents in
the Oklahoma City area write their representatives asking for the
regulation to be changed," said Sue Mitchell, who heads nutrition
services in the city's public schools, where rival brands of pizza
are served.
Advocates of the change note that current law does not require
federal inspections of meat-topped pizzas sold in restaurants or even
delivered to a student standing at the school's front door. And a
loophole exempts from inspection meat-filled hoagies from Subway
Sandwiches, hamburgers from McDonald's, or burritos from Taco Bell
that are served in school cafeterias.
The Agriculture Department cites various reasons for the sandwich
exemption:
Sandwiches contain a relatively small proportion of meat.
Historically, they have not been considered by consumers as
products of the meat-food industry.
The hamburger between the bun or wrapped in a tortilla was
inspected at a meat-processing plant. But so was the pepperoni,
sausage and bacon that Pizza Hut wants to top its pizzas with,
counters company officials.
Lifting the exemption also could turn a restaurant into a
food-processor. And that's a dilemma is the restaurant a processor
that must be inspected or a retailer that's exempted?
Delivering meat-topped pizzas to schools would be a boon to the
restaurant and delivery chains, USDA officials said, but it could
hurt USDA-inspected producers of frozen, meat-topped pizzas that are
allowed to sell to the school lunch program.
Pizza Hut spokesman Roger Rydell said it would cost the government
$5 million to inspect 1,000 restaurants preparing meat-topped pizzas.
Pizza Hut alone has 7,000 U.S. restaurants, with sales of $4 billion
annually.
Rydell and Mitchell say the demand is there for pizza.
Although her cafeterias could bake pizza, Mitchell said, "the
problem is perception. They perceive this as not school related, and
during lunch they do not want a school-related product.
[I don't see what the problem is....every Pizza Hut pepperoni I have
ever had didn't have meat on it. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 12:01:33 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Road Hazard!
To: yucks-request
Peas create road havoc
BONN, Sept 9 (AFP) - A farm truck caused chaos at Hattstedt, northern
Germany, late Sunday when it overturned and spilled 14 tonnes of peas over the
road.
A car and a motorcycle skidded on the green slick, but their drivers were
unhurt. Traffic was blocked for several hours.
[It could have bean soy much worse -- corn you imagine the story that
might turnip if it had happened at another thyme, like rush hour? The
news-peppers would have stories of cars squashed and people kale-d.
And did the German Greens party protest?
Lettuce leaf this subject before you feel compelled to beet me ...
assuming you don't carrot all about puns. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Sep 91 19:56:35 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: The D.C. "Shrimp" Connection
To: yucks-request
Tsongas Raps DC Shrimp-Eaters
By JOHN KING
Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON (AP)
Paul Tsongas knows a lot of voters are disgusted with Washington
and thinks he has identified what ails the nation's capital too much
shrimp.
"There is more shrimp consumed in this city every night than the
rest of the world put together," presidential candidate Tsongas told
an audience last week.
Tsongas' beef isn't with shrimp. He's after the people who host
the parties that serve it as a staple: politicians and lobbyists
taking part in Washington's never-ending, multimillion-dollar
fund-raising game. Democrats and Republicans alike.
Tsongas is a long shot for the 1992 Democratic presidential
nomination, so attacking Washington the inside-the-beltway crowd is
not an unusual tactic. But he's far from alone.
As the Democratic field starts to take shape, the likely
contenders are trying to craft an outsider's image by taking aim not
only at President Bush but at Congress and the trappings of power as
well.
In doing so, the candidates are trying to tap into voter
dissatisfaction with their government by borrowing a page from Jimmy
Carter. He was written off early in the 1976 election cycle but won
the White House with an outsider's pledge to flush corruption from
Washington.
Carter, however, had Watergate as a backdrop for his argument and
an opponent in President Ford who had pardoned the scandal's leading
figure Richard Nixon.
Today, polls show that voters have little faith in Congress and
believe rich special interests routinely buy influence.
Term-limitation proposals are gaining steam. And the past few years
have brought the savings and loan scandal, the banking crisis and
little progress on the domestic issues voters most often cite as
their major concerns.
Cobble all that together, some Democrats say, and an outsider's
argument could inspire voters.
"I think an anti-Washington message is about as ripe as I've ever
seen it," says Democratic analyst Bob Beckel.
Others, however, believe it will be tough to beat Bush with such
an approach unless the president personally is drawn into a major
scandal or policy blunder.
"I think Bush will do a fair amount of Washington bashing as
well," says political scientist Merle Black of Emory University.
"Both Reagan and Bush have tried to operate as if someone else is in
control of the government when it comes to things they don't like."
The Republicans' beltway-bashing "nullifies" the Democrats'
criticisms to some extent, Black says.
Maybe, but Democrats show no inclination to change their approach.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 14:34:34 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Warning labels
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From the "Action Line" column in the December 10, 1990 San Jose Mercury
News:
Q. While watching professional football on television, I've noticed some
of the players' helmets have decals on the lower right rear. I can't
make out the wording from the TV screen, but the largest word appears to
be "warning." What does the rest of the decal say?
-- A. B. Leaman, Santa Cruz
A. It reads: "Warning. Do not strike an opponent with any part of this
helmet or face mask. This is a violation of football rules and may
cause you to suffer severe brain or neck injuries including paralysis or
death. Severe brain or neck injuries may occur accidentally while
playing football. No helmet can prevent all such injuries. You use
this helmet at your own risk." The decals are handed out to teams by
the National Football League.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 22:01:32 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
To: yucks-request
[From a signature file somewhere....]
"It's 1500 miles to Ankh-Morpork", he said. "We've got 363 elephants, 50 carts
of forage, the monsoon's about to break, and we're wearing... sort of things,
like glass, only dark...dark glass things on our eyes.." The air seemed to
glitter. He shrugged. "Let's go," he said. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
Monash University, Caulfield Campus -=+*+=- anthony@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------