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Yucks Digest V1 #67
Yucks Digest Thu, 18 Jul 91 Volume 1 : Issue 67
Today's Topics:
Call for Participation
Chicago Board of Trade to create "Smog Futures" [for yucks]
Deceased pets rotting in trenches (true story)
Humorous coffee blend
Missing musical group
Plagiarism plagiarism
Quote of the week
Slap that bass, slap it 'till it's dizzy
The Day the Telephone Bug Bit
True Eclipse Humor
Who says RFC822 is tough to implement?
Your majesty is like a stream of bat's piss...
Yucks Digest V1 #66
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
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Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 8 Jul 91 18:26:31 GMT
From: vestal@SRC.Honeywell.COM (Steve Vestal)
Subject: Call for Participation
Newsgroups: comp.lang.ada
Call for Participation
Joint International Workshop
on the
Applications of 14th Century History to Software Engineering
Feudalism is the most promising software process organization with which to
develop large applications. However, there remain a variety of problems to be
addressed where personnel must be drawn from a world offering ever more
complex, multi-faceted educational and cultural experiences. For example, the
issues of hierarchical structures (both in the organization and in the
software design itself), dominance and security within the organization, and
tools to efficiently mandate the beliefs and practices of local authorities,
must be coherently resolved if best advantage is to be obtained for all
right-thinking people.
The workshop is aimed primarily at those researching into or working with:
-- software engineering
-- object-oriented real-time trustworthy distributed Ada software
-- Ted Holden
Possible topics for submissions include, but are not limited to:
Basic Issues: What is an object, ignoring counterexamples, and why other
orientations are perverse.
Models: Recognizing and avoiding formal models.
Applications: Fiefdom battles and usenet jihads; starting a crusade;
the use of shibboleths in proposals.
Initially, each workshop attendee will be assigned their own session.
Sessions will be merged as common viewpoints are achieved, culminating in a
plenary session to define Truth and Beauty.
Extended abstracts of position papers of not more than five pages describing
recent work and addressing the above topics are sought. Acceptance will be
based on compatibility with the organizing committee's views, use of
superlatives, universality of claims, and degree to which simplification has
been achieved.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 19:13:01 GMT
From: gkn@Sdsc.Edu (Gerard K. Newman)
Subject: Chicago Board of Trade to create "Smog Futures" [for yucks]
To: spaf
[pinched without permission from the Washington Post, page D1, 17 Jul 1991]:
Chicago Board of Trade To Create "Smog Futures"
Associated Press
CHICAGO, July 16 -- The Chicago Board of Trade today voted to create a new
futures contract that allows investors and utilities to trade rights to emit
sulfur dioxide, a spokesman said.
Under the newly amended Clean Air Act, a utility that cuts pollution below
federal threshold levels can sell that unused portion, or pollution credit,
to another utility that doesn't meet the law.
The idea is to give utilities a financial incentive to cut pollution by
installing expensive pollution control equipment or buying cleaner fuel.
Those that get their emissions below the federal limit have a new asset
to sell.
With a futures market for the pollution credits, utilities can more easily
sell or buy pollution credits. A futures market would also make the
contracts available to speculators who are willing to gamble on the price
movement of the pollution credits.
Futures contracts are basically deals signed now to take place in the
future. They are widely used to eliminate the risk of wide price swings
in the future for commodities such as wheat or oil.
The Chicago Board of Trade plans to send its pollution futures proposal
to the federal Commodities Futures Trading Commission on Wednesday, said
spokesman Mark Prout.
Cash forward contracts -- agreements to deliver rights after they are
issued in 1995 -- would start trading in 1993 under the Board of Trade
plan, Prout said.
Environmentalists have applauded plans for so-called smog futures, saying
for the first time a utility's ability to control pollution would have a
direct impact on profits.
There has been debate in the futures industry over how the price of
credits would be determined. The price would hinge on stringent and
consistent enforcement of environmental laws.
If federal regulators fail to properly enforce the Clean Air Act, then
utilities could find it cheaper to break the law rather than buy clean-air
futures.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jul 91 12:57:58 GMT
From: kapela@prism.poly.edu (Theodore S. Kapela)
Subject: Deceased pets rotting in trenches (true story)
Newsgroups: rec.pets,rec.pets.dogs,rec.pets.cats,misc.misc,ny.general
Since news of this keeps getting hushed up, I figured I would say something:
Middle Island (Long Island, New York):
On June 18, 1991, The FBI raided the Long Island Pet Cemetery to arrest the
owners (Alan Strauss and his father Samuel Strauss) for mail fraud. It has
gone much further than that now. There are three class action suits pending,
and there are (at last count) 20 charges of mail fraud involving their
pet cemetery.
What is known so far:
The owners would contract with people to cremate individually, or bury
in an individual grave, their beloved deceased pet. After taking the money
and assuring the pet's owner's that they would take care of everything,
they would just "toss" the pets into long trenches in the back of the
cemetery. These trenches are twenty feet deep (yep you read that right),
and hundreds of feet long. There are estimates that over 300,000 pets
are in those pits (you read that right too). If that doesn't give you
a clear picture, how about the fact that the cemetery is over 30 acres
in size?
Absolutely *NO* respect was shown for these pets. I know - I visited the
cemetery (and I have shown up there regularly for the past few weeks) to
join the others in supporting each other. I saw the pits. I saw the
graves. Rats were freely roaming around the pits, eating the remains
of these helpless animals. Most of these should have been cremated.
Those that were cremated, weren't done so individually. Instead, they
were done en-mass. The ashes given back to the pet owner's were
actually a combination of a lot of animals, not just their beloved.
The freezers which were to hold the animals until cremation barely worked.
(Currently - one is at 45 degrees F, the other at 57 degrees - not
even worth running them). There are animals from 1988 in there -- why?
They should have been buried or cremated.
Well - the FBI is investigating what could be the reasons. It is
highly suspected that the LIPC owner's were using ground up parts from
these animals in their own pet food, sold in their own pet stores!
And if this isn't bad enough, they are suspected of selling the
animal fats (from the cremations) to food companies for use in their
products.
This is all very upsetting to the pet owner's who know their animals
are there. Most just want their pets back so something respectful
can be done with them (some spent as much as $19,000 on a headstone
for their pet). On wednesday, the county is taking over the cemetery.
They will clean it up, then who knows what. What can you do with
300,000 dead animals? Brookhaven town officials said that only two
things can be done at this point.
1: Bring all the animals to a landfill and cremate them all
at once in a huge "bonfire"
2: Remove the pets, dig up the ground further, place a liner in
the ground (similar to what is used in many landfills today)
replace the pets, and provide one large mass burial.
The second option sounds a little (not much) better, but the cost
is astronomical. Both are very upsetting to the pet owners.
Some are trying to dig up their pets before wednesday (some with
court orders, some without), but won't likely find anything.
On last friday (July 12), the first court-mandated pet exhuming took
place (or rather, attempted exhuming). As suspected, the pet was not
there! Two other graves were opened up (by individuals), and one pet
was found, another wasn't. The pet owner's never saw the graves
sealed, nor the casket sealed (They weren't allowed to by the LIPC).
Also, the town and state have been conducting ground and water testing
to see what sort of contamination has occurred. The cemetery opened
in the early 1980's, so a lot could have happened. The water table
is only 20 feet below ground level there (which is why the pits were
only 20 feet deep). Most of the local residents (I am one) have
private wells. We had a new well dug 8 years ago to the second
water table (100 feet down) because the upper table was certified
"undrinkable" by two private water testing labs.
A local legislator is pushing a bill that would regulate pet cemeteries,
and require them to obtain operating licenses and undergo regular
inspections. This is great, but it came too late.
What do you think of this? Have you ever heard of this before?
[He forgot one other method of disposal -- Cat McNuggets! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 13 Jul 91 04:19:58 GMT
From: gamble@hawk.rice.edu (Ben Gamble)
Subject: Humorous coffee blend
Newsgroups: rec.food.drink
Okay, I'm a little late with this, seeing as most of the coffee
traffic cleared up some weeks ago, but I thought I'd kick in a little
note on the only humorous coffee blend I've seen.
One of the profs in the Chemical Engineering dept. here has a can of
stuff sold by Trader Joe's, comes in a cardboard/foil can like the new
Doritos cans.
<begin excerpts from package copy>
Werner Karl Heisenberg's Uncertain Blend
Whole coffee beans of indeterminate origin!
<all Arabica, no Robusto>
This coffee is dedicated to the memory of one of the greatest
physicists of the 20th Century, WK Heisenberg.
<Britannica squib on Heisenberg>
The coffee beans in this can are all high quality beans, but the
coffee roaster lost their identity. That's what happens occasionally
in the coffee roasting plants.
We've made a deal to buy all the roaster's "indeterminate beans" at a
very low cost, which we're passing on to you. But please don't expect
the next can to be the same as this one!
<cartoon with two men looking at a huge piece of equipment that
includes a massive bell. One is saying:
"If I measure it, I can't observe it; and if I observe it, I can't
measure it. But it makes a helluva noise!">
<end excerpt>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 09:53:35 PDT
From: Pete.Stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: Missing musical group
To: spaf
Source: cklaw@Singapore.Sun.COM
In the Singapore parliament, there happens to be two Brigadier General MPs.
An M.P. is a member of parliament. The papers usually refer to them as B.G. Lee and B.G. Yeo. There also happens to be another M.P. called Wong Kan Seng.
So, in the Singapore parliament, there are the two Bee Gees and the one who
can't sing.
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jul 91 07:20:05 GMT
From: dean2@garnet.berkeley.edu (Dean Pentcheff)
Subject: Plagiarism plagiarism
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following appeared as an "Editors' Note" in the New York
Times, July 11, 1991:
An article on July 3 described a controversy involving allegations of
plagiarism at Boston University's College of Communication. In a
commencement address in May, the dean of the college, H. Joachim
Maitre, repeated virtually word for word passages from an article by a
PBS film critic. In the speech, Mr. Maitre did not acknowledge or
credit the article.
The Times account acknowledged that the controversy had first been
reported in The Boston Globe on July 2. But it should also have noted
that the quotations it cited from Mr. Maitre's speech were taken from
the Globe article.
Besides the quotations from Mr. Maitre's speech, the Times article
included a passage of five paragraphs that closely resembled five
paragraphs in the Globe article. The passage involved comparisons of
the same sets of quotations from the disputed texts. Although the
Times article also reflected independent investigation of the
controversy and interviews by the Times reporter, it was in this
instance improperly dependent on the Globe account.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 10:22:48 PDT
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Quote of the week
To: spaf
I was watching a network presentation of the original Terminator movie
with a friend of mine last night. At the end of one of the commercial
breaks the network had one of its standard disclaimers, "This program
is intended for mature audiences. Parental discretion is advised."
Upon hearing this, my friend looks over at me and says, "It's a movie
about a killer robot from the future. What's so mature about that?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 13:45:26 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Slap that bass, slap it 'till it's dizzy
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From auspex!auspex.com!guy@uunet.UU.NET Thu Jul 18 12:53:07 1991
Well, I get "Treble error" instead...
From: mjkamal@vela.acs.oakland.edu (KAMAL MOHAMMAD J.)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c
I got my first hand in C few days ago. I came up with a problem
that can't figure out. I would appreciate if anyone would shade some
light on it. When I run the following program after compiling it, I
get the message 'Bass error(core dumped'.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 13:33:43 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Day the Telephone Bug Bit
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
The Day the Telephone Bug Bit
-- by Richard Pence
Those big phone outages of recent weeks have had me feeling a
bit guilty over what's been happening.
You see, I remember exactly how all this started. Back in
1950 I was a novice seahand aboard a cruiser based In Philadelphia,
barely six months out of high school and fresh from the plains of
South Dakota.
One Friday night in November, we were granted shore leave at
the end of a two week training cruise. Homesick and seasick, I
headed immediately for the row of pay phones that lined the dock.
Depositing a carefully preserved nickel (remember?), I dialed
"0." The following is a roughly verbatim account of what transpired
after the Philadelphia operator answered:
"I'd like to place a station to station collect call to the Bob Pence
residence in Columbia, South Dakota," I said in my best telephone
voice.
The Philadelphia operator was sure she had heard wrong. "You mean
Columbia, South Carolina, don't you?"
"No, I mean Columbia, South Dakota." I had tried to call home once
before, and I was ready for that one.
"Certainly. What is the number, please?" I could tell she still
didn't believe me.
"They don't have a number," I mumbled. I'd tried to call home before,
and I knew what was coming.
She was incredulous. "They don't have a number?"
"I don't think so."
"I can't complete the call without a number. Do you have it?" she
demanded.
I didn't relish seeming like even more of a bumpkin, but I was in the
Navy and I knew authority when I heard it. "Well ... the only thing I
know is ... two longs and a short."
I think that's the first time she snorted. "Never mind. I'll get the
number for you. One moment please."
There followed an audible click and a long period of silence while she
apparently first determined if, indeed, there was a Columbia, S.D.,
and then if it was possible to call there.
When she returned to the line, she was armed with the not-insignificant
knowledge necessary complete her task.
In deliberate succession, she dialed an operator in Cleveland, asked
her to dial one in Chicago, asked Chicago to dial Minneapolis, and
Minneapolis to dial Sioux City, Iowa. Sioux City called Sioux Falls,
S.D., and the operator there dialed one in Aberdeen, S.D. At last,
Aberdeen dialed the operator in Columbia.
By this time, Philadelphia's patience was wearing thin, but when
Columbia answered, she knew what had to be done.
"The number for the Bob Pence residence, please," she said, now in
control.
Columbia didn't even hesitate. "Two longs and a short," she declared.
Philadelphia was set back for an instant but valiantly plowed on. "I
have a collect call from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, for anyone at
that number. Will you please ring?"
"They're not home," said Columbia, again not missing a beat.
Philadelphia digested this and decided not to press the point.
Instead, she relayed the message I'd already heard. "There is no one
at that number, sir. Would you like to try again in later?"
Columbia quickly interrupted: "Is that you, Dick?"
"Yeah, Margaret ... Where are the folks?"
Philadelphia was baffled, but her instincts told her to look out for
the company. "Sir, madam ... you can't ..."
Margaret ignored her. "They're up at the school house at the
basketball game. Want me to ring?"
I knew I was pushing my luck with Philadelphia, so I said it likely
would be too much trouble to get them out of the game.
"No trouble at all," said Margaret. "It's halftime."
Philadelphia was still in there trying to protect the company. By this
time, though, she was out of words. "But ... but ... " she stammered.
I caved in to Margaret, mainly because I didn't want to have to start
over later. "All right."
Philadelphia made one last effort. Mustering her most official tone,
she insisted: "But this is a station to station collect call!"
"That's all right, honey," said Columbia, "I'll just put it on Bob's
bill."
Philadelphia was still protesting when the phone rang and was answered
at the school house.
"I have a station-to-station collect call for Bob Pence," Philadelphia
said, certain that Ma Bell had somehow been had.
"This is he," replied my father.
"Go ahead," whispered an astonished Philadelphia.
I'm glad I couldn't see her face when I began my end of the conversation
the way all Midwesterners do:
"Hi, Dad, how's the weather?"
"Jeez," said Philadelphia and clicked off.
Now comes the confession. I have it on good authority it was the next
Monday morning that AT&T began to automate phone service. And now look
where we are.
July 16 {Philadelphia Inquirer}, on the editorial page.
Richard Pence is a Washington, D.C., writer and editor. He wrote this
for the {Washington Post}.
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jul 91 16:20:08 GMT
From: cep@apple.com (Christopher Pettus)
Subject: True Eclipse Humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
During the publicity prior to the 1979 solar eclipse, a woman called
a radio talk show in my locality and asked this question: "If we can't
watch it, why are they even having it?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Jul 91 15:01:43 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Who says RFC822 is tough to implement?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
(The best abuse of egrep in a long time...)
From: eggert@twinsun.com (Paul Eggert)
#! /bin/sh
# These definitions are taken from RFC 822, except (as per RFC 1036)
# white space, nonprinting, and `>' characters are excluded.
dtext='[!-=?-Z^-~]'
qtext='[]-~!#-=?-[]'
quoted_pair='\\[!-=?-~]'
quoted_string="\"($qtext|$quoted_pair)*\""
atom="[-!#-'*-+/-9=?A-Z^-~]+"
word="($atom|$quoted_string)"
domain_literal="\\[($dtext|$quoted_pair)*\\]"
domain_ref="$atom"
sub_domain="($domain_ref|$domain_literal)"
domain="$sub_domain(\\.$sub_domain)*"
local_part="$word(\\.$word)*"
addr_spec="$local_part@$domain"
msg_id="<$addr_spec>"
egrep -v "^$msg_id "
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 11:16:11 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Your majesty is like a stream of bat's piss...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
New Scientist a couple of weeks ago had a piece about Cairo's rubbish
recyclers. One of the markets for used bottles is Egyptian firms that
make local imitations of Western drinks, packaged in the original
bottles with subtly altered labels; one of them is "Chivas Renal".
Whoever thought that one up deserves an international advertising award.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 91 12:35:05 -0700
From: phz@Cadence.COM (Pete Zakel)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #66
To: spaf
In "These Bands Have Catchy Names" I was chagrined to notice that one of my
favorite band names was left out:
Butthole Surfers
Such a shame!
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------