[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V1 #63
Yucks Digest Sun, 30 Jun 91 Volume 1 : Issue 63
Today's Topics:
administrivia
"Offensiveness", take two...
(U) Language Lessons
BABY man page
bone of contention...
Dog Protected Me From Jehova's Witnesses
great quotes
Pissing on the 405
Product plugs in movies don't worry this guy
Stalking the Wily Hacker
the ultimate orienteering tool
Time to hang up my car keys
Tough Times Hit Geisha Trade
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: yucks
I have recently written and installed an automatic archive server for
the Yucks list. This program will allow you to retrieve back issues
you might have missed, obtain an Index of all past Yucks postings, and
add or delete names from the subscribers list (viz. add yourself, add a
friend, delete an entry after you've moved).
If you use the server and it fails to work the way you think, please
let me know. If you use it and it works, let me know that too :-) It
is currently set up to pass anything it doesn't understand directly on
to me. Thus, errors or bad syntax should result in me hearing about it.
What follows is the help file I have for the server. Let me know if you
have any suggestions for new features or better help messages.
--spaf
The yucks-request daemon can respond to simple mailed requests
concerning the Yucks Digest mailing list. Your mail to the address
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" should contain no text other than
lines of commands to the daemon. The "Subject:" of the message can be
a command instead of (or in addition to) lines in the body of the
message, otherwise leave it empty.
The response of the daemon will be to the sender of the message. If
you wish the response to go to another address, or if you wish to
specify a better address, use the "reply" command as the first command
in the body of your message. Setting the "reply" address with a
"join" or "leave" command uses that address for list maintenance.
Note: the real sender of each request is noted in the reply
message sent by the daemon, so don't try to use the daemon to covertly
fill someone else's mailbox -- you'll be fingered as the culprit!
Commands recognized by the daemon:
reply <e-mail addr> Set a preferred reply address
join Join the Yucks list
subscribe Join the Yucks list
leave Unsubscribe from the Yucks list
unsubscribe Unsubscribe from the Yucks list
ack Acknowledge receipt of this request
help Get this message
index Get an index of back postings
send <issue #s> Mail copies of back issues
Commands can be in any upper/lower case. Put only one command per
line. Issue #s can be any integer, a set of integers separated by
spaces or tabs, a range of integers separated by a dash, or any
combination of these (e.g., "1-12 14 16"). You can also use the
keyword "all" but beware -- that may result in a VERY large amount of
mail being sent to you! The keyword "last" may also be used to
obtain the most recent digest.
Problems with the yucks-request daemon should be reported directly to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu; mail that is not understood as commands to the daemon
will be forwarded directly to spaf.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 91 12:35:38 -0700
From: rutgers!devnet.la.locus.com!armand
Subject: "Offensiveness", take two...
To: spaf
Robert posted this the other day. I thought it's pretty good.
> Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 19:25:07 -0700
> From: Robert Roessler <robertr>
> Here is another viewpoint on the issue of "offensiveness", provided by
> G. B. Trudeau a few weeks ago in his "Doonesbury" commentary; the scene
> consists of the university chancellor giving his farewell speech to the
> new graduates.
"Graduating seniors, parents and friends..."
"Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up to
the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness."
"The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the text of
even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism."
"Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured the
rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so
as to expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and
linear logic."
"Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric perspec-
tive have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment."
"Thank you and good luck."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 91 10:30:38 CDT
Subject: (U) Language Lessons
[Some of these are oldies by moldies, but I can't recall seeing all
of them before. --spaf]
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
>From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the
lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jun 91 10:30:04 GMT
From: beck@cs.ualberta.ca (Bob Beck)
Subject: BABY man page
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)
NAME
BABY - create new process from two parent processes
SYNOPSIS
BABY sex [ name ]
SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]
AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.
DESCRIPTION
BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.
Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.
example% BABY -sex m -name fred
OPTIONS
-sex
option indicating type of process created.
-name
process identification to be attaced to the new process.
RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.
BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.
BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.
The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.
SEE ALSO
cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)
OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS
gnoops(1)
FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
responsibility for anything.
NOTES
baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck
completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.
Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Jun 91 11:18:24 -0700
From: Rex Black <rutgers!devnet.la.locus.com!rex>
Subject: bone of contention...
To: spaf
Shamelessly quoted from _Playboy_, who surely plagiarized it from
elsewhere:
Orland Park, Illinois-- School authorities required a 16-year-old high
school junior to disrobe to prove that the bulge in his crotch was not
drugs, which students commonly stash in their pants. The subject was
found innocent of concealing anything other than himself. In trying to
explain to the student's mother how the mistake had been made, a teacher
apparently made matters worse by saying, "I don't know how to put this
to you delicately, but have you ever heard of John Holmes?" The mother
has filed a lawsuit seeking $225,000 for an unreasonable search of her
son.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jun 91 21:51:50 GMT
From: cohen@mips2.ma30.bull.com (Steve Cohen)
Subject: Dog Protected Me From Jehova's Witnesses
Newsgroups: rec.pets.dogs
Several years ago as my family was about to eat dinner, several Jehova's
Witnesses got inside my fence ( my wife made the mistake of letting them in)
and were busy proselytizing my wife. Since it was time for dinner and
my wife was having trouble getting rid of them, I decided to take action.
Our dog who was named Pou Chi was a 65 pound chow that looked
exactly like a lion. I let Pou Chi out the door, and yelled,"
Don't eat them!" The Jehova's witnesses disappeared like characters
in a cartoon.
Steve Cohen
Bull HN
PS: I have nothing against Jehova's witnesses, but they can be a pain
at dinnertime.
[ And the followup...]
From: kae@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Karen Erickson)
Newsgroups: rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: Dog Protected Me From Jehova's Witnesses
Date: 18 Jun 91 11:00:29 GMT
They aren't too bad if you prepare them with Brother Mel's barbeque sauce,
serve them with a good beer and some potato salad. They tend to be a bit
chewy though so cook 'em for at least two hours.
------------------------------
Date: Sun Jun 30 17:31:31 EST 1991
From: spaf
Subject: great quotes
To: yucks
These were in the .plan file of one of our software staff (Richard
Bingle, bingle@cs):
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out
When the ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about;
You may wee-wee, make water or empty the glass
You can powder your nose, even Johnny can pass.
Shake the dew off the lily, see a man about a dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog.
But please to remember if you would know bliss
That only in Shakespeare do characters ----
------------------------------
Date: 11 Jun 91 20:49:34 GMT
From: nef@calmasd.Prime.COM (Nancy Fox)
Subject: Pissing on the 405
Newsgroups: soc.motss
>>I just have to wonder about adolecent males sometimes. Is there
>>a male on the planet that hasn't used a bush? Granted, I didn't
>>have a bush to my name at the time, but still, how serious a taboo
>>can there be against pissing in a dranage gutter (20' off a major
>>highway durring rush-hour(or 5) 8-)?
>>Anybody know how serious a ticket I could have gotten? Did I make
>>it into the LA traffic report? 8-) What is wrong with people?
>
This reminds me of a very funny story. A friend of mine showed me
a picture her son and his friends had taken. They were driving
along Rt 52 here in San Diego when they spotted a toilet sitting
all by its lonesome on the side of the freeway, right beside a
No Dumping sign. So they slam on their breaks and pull off the
road. What they got was a wonderful photo of the the son
sitting on the toilet with his pants down around his ankles,
reading the newspaper with the NO DUMPING sign prominently
displayed. He said the people going by on the freeway loved
it - honking horns - screaming out the window. I love this
kid's humor!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 23:20:12 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Product plugs in movies don't worry this guy
To: yucks-request
By John Sinor Copley News Service Now there is concern that the
public is being made victims of sneaky plugs in motion pictures.
The idea is, if a movie character drinks a particular kind of
soft drink, we will all run out after the show and buy that soft
drink.
Advertising that we haven't asked for is being forced into our
brains. And movie companies are accepting high prices from companies
for using their products.
The movie "Ghost" reportedly had plugs for 16 different
products. "Pretty Woman" had 18 and "Home Alone" had 31.
I doubt if readers can remember a single one. That's not the
point, according to the Center for the Study of Commercialism. The
point is, the product has been lodged in our subconscious and that's
advertising that will make us go buy the stuff.
I say it's as ridiculous an idea as I have heard in a long time.
The mistake that is being made is that advertising works great
in the first place.
I think that is a mistaken assumption that too many people
believe.
Among the forerunners of the use of name-brand products in
popular entertainment were the first James Bond novels.
We knew almost all the brands 007 used. His favorite type of
drink, his favorite watch, his lighter, his car, his suits.
I loved his books, but I have never wanted an Aston Martin to
drive or even dreamed of spending the thousands it would cost to own
a Rolex Oyster watch.
Back in the days when I drank, I never ordered any kind of a
drink "shaken but not stirred."
I don't recall any particular products used in "Pretty Woman"
except some women's clothing bought on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
My wife never shops on that street and so far has never
expressed a desire to do so.
I have stayed at the same hotel Richard Gere and Julia Roberts
used in the movie, but it is immaterial whether I ever go back there.
Positive advertising works fairly well, if it is continued over
a long period of time. Most people would buy a product they had heard
of for many years before they would buy a similar product they had
never heard of.
The mere mention of a product does almost no good, I am afraid.
The most effective advertising is negative advertising. Years
ago my mother bought a new model of a popular American car. Weeks
after she got it, the doors jammed and she had to climb out of it
through a window.
That has been nearly three decades, but that particular car
still remains at the bottom of my list.
The Center for the Study of Commercialism wants movies to list
all the products they show before each movie starts.
This would be about as popular as the endless lists of credits
at the end of each movie.
Almost nobody ever stays to see who the assistant electrician
was unless they are related to him.
Putting the list of products used before each movie would just
allow us another few minutes to get inside the theater before the
show started.
It's a dumb idea that, if allowed, would make life just a little
bit more boring.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jun 91 02:23:01 GMT
From: cliff@well.sf.ca.us (Clifford Stoll)
Subject: Stalking the Wily Hacker
Newsgroups: ba.seminars,alt.security
[...stuff about a talk deleted.... --spaf]
Cliff graduated from Buffalo Public School #61 with a blue
star for good attendence. Later, he printed T-shirts for
Nocturnal Aviation, repaired pinball machines, and received a
PhD in planetary science. He's worked at Space Telescope Institute,
Purple Mountain Observatory in Nanjing, China, Kitt Peak National
Observatory in Tucson, and the Keck Observatory now being built in
Hawaii. In his spare time, Cliff pieces quilts and squeezes lumps of
bituminous coal into diamonds.
------------------------------
Date: 11 Jun 91 01:47:15 GMT
From: klee@wsl.dec.com (Ken Lee)
Subject: the ultimate orienteering tool
Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
Original-Subject: Handy-size Global Navigation System Debuts from Sony 06/10/91
TOKYO, JAPAN, 1991 JUN 10 (NB) -- Sony has developed a portable
device to locate one's position on the globe. Called the
Portable GPS Receiver Pixcess, it weighs only 590 grams (1.3
pounds) and is small enough to carried around. It measures
10 x 17.5 x 3.9 cm. It will be sold at 158,000 yen on July 1.
The gadget locates its current position using two or three space
satellites called Navstar, which were launched by the
U.S. Defense Department. The device can locate one's latitude, the
altitude, and the navigational speed. This device can be used for
sailing, fishing, diving, gliders, mountaineering, and hiking. It
can also be installed in a car as a navigator.
Sony will also release the GPS core unit, which it says can
be hooked into a personal computer through an RS-232C port. This
system is expected to appeal to transportation firms.
Japanese car makers Mazda and Honda, meanwhile, have developed
their own GPS system and have installed it in their cars for
low-end consumer use. Pioneer has developed a GPS system with a
4-inch LCD and CD-ROM-based area maps. Consequently, GPS systems are
seen as the next technology wave in Japan.
Currently, there are 15 satellites floating in orbit. Nine more
satellites are expected to be launched and will go into operation
by 1993. With these satellites, one's position should be locatable
practically anywhere on the earth.
(Masayuki Miyazawa/19910610/Press Contact: Sony, +81-3-3448-2200
Fax, +81-3-3448-3061)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 91 10:09:47 CDT
From: "Matt Crawford" <matt@oddjob.uchicago.edu>
Subject: Time to hang up my car keys
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Can one get hallucinations from out-of-date milk on granola? If
not, then I actually saw the following on the Damn Riot [Dan Ryan]
Expressway this morning.
A black man who looked about 40 or so was driving some sort of big
white Chrysler with headlights and flashers on. He was cutting in
and out, passing most other cars. And he had a glass of water
balanced on his head. It fell off when he passed me, and he put
the empty glass back on his head.
[If this guy subscribes to yucks, let's hear what he was doing.
If you weren't the guy involved, interesting explanations are
also welcomed! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 23:18:31 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Tough Times Hit Geisha Trade
TOKYO (AP)
The once-haughty "flower and willow world" of the geisha has
fallen to the level of advertising for recruits.
Fifty years ago, thousands of geishas hurried through neighborhood
lanes every evening in the distinctive flowered kimonos and painted
white faces.
Today, the few remaining in Tokyo appear regularly only in the
famous Ginza shopping area, where they travel in black rickshaws to
parties for wealthy businessmen and politicians at exclusive
restaurants.
Houses of the flower and willow, traditional symbols of feminine
beauty and sexuality, have been losing ground for two decades to more
modern and pedestrian establishments.
Such places feature "hostesses" who, like the geishas, pour drinks
and sweeten all-male parties with feminine banter. The word geisha
literally means entertainer.
The slow disappearence of one of Japan's cultural icons inspired a
call to action among shopkeepers in Asakusa, one of the few Tokyo
neighborhoods to retain some of its traditional charm.
They want businesses to join in establishing a company to recruit
about 15 women aged 18 to 25 for a three-month training program in
the fine arts of coquetry and traditional entertainment.
Teruko Tominaga, owner of a noodle shop, said the company would
provide kimonos, musical instruments and other items needed for
parties in the traditional geisha style.
In return, businesses in Asakusa anticipate a tourist windfall.
Ms. Tominaga said the new geisha would receive a slightly higher
salary than the average female employee in Japan, who normally earns
about $15,000, half the pay of a man.
"Business in Asakusa has been declining, so we are hoping to
revive geisha entertainment and promote tourism," she said.
For the first time in their 400-year history, even Kyoto's geisha
houses have begun advertising. The ancient capital 235 miles
southwest of Tokyo is considered a treasure house of traditional arts.
"How about maiko-san as a next career?" said a Kyoto ad in the
popular magazine Travel Handbook. "If you're interested in becoming
maiko-san, please give us a call."
Teen-age girls hoping to become geishas traditionally spend a few
years qualifying to become apprentices, or "maikos," earning the
right to wear trailing embroidered kimonos and high wooden clogs
adorned with bells.
By the time an apprentice becomes a geisha, she usually is the
mistress of a wealthy patron who provides her with expensive gifts
and money, said Yoshie Enomoto, 75, who was a geisha in Tokyo for
almost 35 years.
Geishas and bar hostesses share a multimillion dollar-industry
called "mizu-shobai," or "the water trade." They fill the public role
played in the West by wives, who are excluded from after-hours
business socializing in Japan.
It's called the water trade because income, working hours, staff,
customers and the product liquor are fluid.
The government estimates only several thousand geishas remain in
all of Japan, compared to 80,000 in the late 1920s.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------