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Yucks Digest V1 #20
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #20
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Tue, 12 Feb 91 00:39:10 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Tue, 12 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 20
Today's Topics:
Breakthrough in Computer Science Educational Technology
Desert Shield's impact on X
Its The Law!
Strange news from all over
Strange news from all over II
How to Kill a Cockroach
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 3 June 1988
From: ross@smokey.ua.oz.au (Ross Williams)
Subject: Breakthrough in Computer Science Educational Technology.
HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
===================================================
Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more
intelligent than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention
span of the two groups are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a
new concept in Computer Science education:
COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET
==============================
Narrator:
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs has a bug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
And if you can't tell which one, you're a mug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature.
----------
Voiceover:
c
C
C?
C!
printf!
while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {}
C!
----------
Song:
Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum,
Dum diddle diddle diddle,
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
A
B
C
D
E
F
----------
Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?
Oscar the Grouch: Go away: I've just found a new garbage collection algorithm.
Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar....
----------
Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog reporting for Sesame Street news.
Today, we interview Professor Biskit who works on cookie biosearch.
Hello Professor Biskit, what have you got there?
Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an
infinitely long coorkie. Dis machine vill produce every sort of
coorkie possible: big cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round
cookies. The cookies come out dis hole here.
Kermit: You mean if you get a really long cookie, it will come out of
the hole like a sausage?
Prof: Yaaaass, that's right. Now I vill set de machine going, and ve
can start vatching de corkies.
GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA...
Prof: Aass here comes one,... CLUNK
Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.
Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.
Kermit: Uh professor...
Prof: Don't bother me now, I'm vatchin coorkies.
Kermit: What if there isn't an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Then they vill come out of dis machine forever - there are an
infinite number of possible corkies you know.
Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?
Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.
Kermit: And how long will that take?
Prof: Forever.
Kermit: So if there isn't an infinitely long cookie, you have to wait
forever and if there is, you have to wait forever too. How are you
going to find out if there is an infinitely long cookie today?
Prof: Don't interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.
Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.
Prof: My machine!
Kermit: Well, it looks as if the cookie monster has transcended the
question of whether there is an infinitely long cookie by eating the
cookie machine. A good thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.
----------
Narrator: Hello Big Bird. What's all this mess?
Big Bird: I'm planting a binary tree. That way, I can nest in it and I
won't have to fly South for the winter.
Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?
Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.
Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?
...
This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.
This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.
COMPUTER SCIENCE YOUNG ONES
===========================
Neil: Ow, WOW heavy! My lentil binary trees are growing exponentially.
Vivian: This calls for a subtle combination of mathematics and extreme
violence.
Rick: Oh you couldn't theorize even if you picked your nose with a
silicon chip.
Vivian: OK, watch! This is how you dismantle a binary tree in constant time...
CRUNCH, CHOP, CRASH...
Neil: WOW. Heavy. Look at the mess. Look at all the garbage!
Garbage: Now they'll try to clean me up in constant time, but they've
forgotten about all those cycles caused by curly lentils...
Vivian: Oh no we didn't because I cut all the cycles before I chopped
down the tree...
Rick: You can't do that in linear time! What sort of a snotty nosed
gullible girlie do you think I am?
Vivian: Well I had him fooled!
Neil: No you didn't! I was just waiting for the tree to spontaneously
re-assemble.
...
------------------------------
From: jeg@zorch.SF-Bay.ORG (John E. Girard)
Subject: Desert Shield's impact on X
Newsgroups: comp.misc,comp.sys.workstation,comp.windows.x
Some 10 years ago, a report was issued for NASA by Tom Wittenschlaeger
with Hughes Aircraft. This report studied user productivity as a function
of screen clutter, i.e. the percentage of the screen that had information
on it versus the percentage that was unused.
I tracked Wittenschlaeger to a new office at Hughes, and he offered to
send me a copy. Before he could he was recalled to active duty in the
military. The folks at his current office are basically unwilling to look
for it.
------------------------------
Date: 7 Feb 91 11:42:02 GMT
From: clear@cavebbs.gen.nz (Charlie Lear)
Subject: Its The Law!
Newsgroups: rec.humor,misc.legal
Burgled from a backissue of the Australian Police Journal:
The following are some interesting state and local laws in the US:
In Star, Mississippi, it is a punishable offence to ridicule public
architecture.
Wearing suspenders is illegal in Nogales, Arizona.
Spitting against the wind is illegal in Sault St Marie, Michigan.
In Natoma, Kansas it is illegal to practise knife-throwing at someone
in a checkered or striped suit.
In Oregon, it is illegal for a dead juror to serve on a jury.
In Baltimore, Maryland, it is illegal to mistreat an oyster.
In Indiana a moustache is illegal on anyone who "habitually kisses
human beings."
In Topeka, Kansas it is illegal to worry a squirrel.
In Los Angeles you cannot use the US Mail to complain about cockroaches
in your hotel room.
In Kentucky a wife must have her husband's permission to move the furniture
in the house.
A Minnesota law requires that men's and women's underwear not be hung on
the same clothesline at the same time.
It is unlawful to mistreat a rat in Denver, Colorado.
Lexington, Kentucky law prohibits carrying ice cream cones in your pocket.
------------------------------
Date: 12 Feb 1991
From: spaf
Subject: Strange news from all over
From the "True Facts" column of the latest National Lampoon:
Protestors turned out to greet Vice President Dan Quayle on a visit to
Portland Oregon, leading to what one newspaper called "a five-hour
skirmish between demonstrators and more than one hundred police."
According to the unnamed paper, "The demonstration took a bizarre turn
when twenty-four young people wearing ill-fitting suits and ties
lined up on Sixth Avenue, swigging vinegar, syrup of ipecac, and food
coloring, and vomited red, white, and green. One demonstrator, who
refused to give his name, identified the group as the Reverse
Peristalsis Painters and said they had intended to vomit in red,
white, and blue to protest Quayle's visit.
A nineteen-year-old woman was charged with shoplifting after an
employee at an Orem, Utah, market claimed she "opened a pack of
razors, went to the liquid soap section, lathered, and shaved her
armpits." (from the Rocky Mountain News)
From the Detroit News: "Federal Judge Richard Enslen recently handled
a suit accusing the state police, Lansing police, and the Ingham
County jail of violating the rights of a man arrested in 1986."
"The man sued under the name 'I am the Beast Six Six Six of the
Lord of Hosts in Edmond Frank MacGillivray Jr. Now, I Am the Beast
Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts Iefmjn. I am the Beast Six Six Six
of the Lord of Hosts. I am the Beast Six Six Six Othlohiefmjn. I am
the Beast Sssotlohiefmjn. I am the Beast Six Six Six. Beast Six Six
Lord.' "
"He had renounced his given name, Edmond Frank MacGillivray, Jr."
Enslen said.
"'For brevity,' the judge said, 'his current name will be shortened
to I Am the Beast.'"
------------------------------
Date: 12 Feb 1991
From: spaf
Subject: Strange news from all over II
These are taken from a new book, "True and Tacky" by Monica Hoose and
Carolyn Naifeh. This is a book of odd news stories from all over, and
published by Topper Books. This is a sample to entice you to find the
book:
Memphis TN (AP): A Criminal Court judge has ruled that a defendant can't
show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and green body paint ---
even if he is a native of the planet Zambodia.
But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to
make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for
contempt of court.
Judge Odell Horton of US District Court was scheduled to decide
the issue today in Mongo's appeal of a contempt order by Judge William
Williams.
The dispute began when Robert Hodges appeared before Williams on a
charge of tampering with an electric meter.
Hodges, who says he is really Prince Mongo from Zambodia, was not
wearing the suit and tie customary for trial defendants.
In the judge's contempt of court citation, he said the defendant
"appeared for trial dressed in a grossly shocking and bizarre attire,
consisting of brown and white fur tied around his body at his ankles,
loins and head, with a like vest made out of the fur, and complete
with eye goggles over his eyes."
"He had colored his face and chest with a very pale green paint or
coloring. He had what appeared to be a human skull dangling from his
waist and in his hand he carried a stuffed snake."
Hodges, who gives his age as 3,000 and who once ran for Shelby
County mayor, has often been at odds with his neighbors and city
officials, usually because of his unusual taste in landscaping.
He once appeared barefoot and in a fur coat before a U.S. District
Court judge and scattered an unidentified powder before the bench to
ward off what he called "spirits." That was during a lawsuit against
two insurance companies that refused to pay him disability benefits
after he said he was mentally impaired.
He won the suit.
Hardwar, India (Reuters): The naked sadhu (holy man) puffed hashish
from a clay pipe as he sat outside his tent recounting the ascetic
traditions of his ancient Hindu sect.
Mawant Godavari Giri, who said he is 85 and lives half the year
alone in a Himalayan cave, spoke of nudity, celibacy, fire-worship,
and deathlike trances -- and of bizarre physical feats beyond the
ability of most men.
Under British rule in India, Godavari mentioned casually to the
listeners seated outside his tent, a naga (naked holy man) of his Juna
Akhara sect pulled a locamotive some distance by his penis.
"Since then we have the unwritten right to travel first class in
Indian trains for free," he said with a chuckle.
Questioned by an incredulous Western journalist, he insisted that
similar exploits were performed to this day.
Stengthening the male organ to perform prodigious feats, Godavari
said "is part of a training which disciplines the body to survive in
any type of condition with the minimum comforts."
"In the later stages of life," he added with a smile, "such a feat
becomes a holy man's real credential, so that people do not consider
him a fake."
Only last month, here in Hardwar, besides the Ganges, a sadhu had
pulled two jeeps about 25 feet along a road with his penis, Godavari
said. After the foreign reported persisted in his questions, the lean
old holy man stood up, shook his plaited, ground-length hair out of a
coiled bun, and announced: "I have sent for a heavy stone."
Amid laughter from his admirers he added: "here is another
representative of the British....so let's impress them again."
Two men brought a large rock in a rickshaw and rolled it up to the
tent. The journalist drew guffaws as he failed to lift it with his
hands. It must have weighed 220 pounds.
Undaunted, the naked sadhu crouched over the rock, knees bent, and
slipped his penis through the loop of pink cloth that his followers
tied around the rock.
He gripped his penis with both hands and heaved upwards. For an
instant the rock rose a fraction of an inch into the air before
thudding back to earth.
"Is that enough, or do you want me to throw it into the heavens,"
the old man grinned triumphantly.
[And kids nowadays wonder what people did before television. --spaf]
Williamsport, MD (AP): Donald and Nacy Barnhart's bathroom has an
unusual feature--an erupting toilet.
Over the past three years, the commode in their home has been
known to make a burping sound before shooting a blast of water to the
ceiling.
"It's rather exciting, and embarassing," said Barnhart of the
toilet's occasional lapse of manners. So far, it hasn't unleashed a
geyser when a visitor was using the bathroom, he said.
The Barnharts said the problem began when the town installed a
pump on its sewage system to cope with development in the area.
Twon officials blame the spouting toilet on an underground
"ejector" which is supposed to force sewage uphill with air pressure.
If the air compressor fails to shut off, the pressure is released
through a nearby manhole--and the Barnhart's toilet.
Town manager M. Lee Draper said officials believe the problem
stems from an electronic probe that activates the pump. He said there
was no estimate of when the problem might be corrected.
[Electronic probe, eh? Maybe we should send this to the Risks Digest. --spaf]
Denver (AP): The Colorado Court of Appeals upheld on Thursday the
conviction of Filbert G. Maestas, who claimed his constitutional
rights were violated when police laughed at him for stealing from a
meat processing plant the rectums of 1,200 butchered animals.
Maestas and a companion had been arrested outside a meat warehouse
by two officers who found several boxes of meat in the car.
The officers summoned the warehouse manager and he confirmed the
rectums, known in the trade as rennets, had been processed by his
firm.
Maestas and his companion were being driven to jail, when one of
the arresting officers began laughing. He asked the policeman what
was so amusing, and the officer told him that the beef rennets are
inedible rectal tissue usable only in curing cheese.
In plainer language, the officer told Maestas what he had stolen.
Maestas replied, "If I go to jail for stealing 1,200 ________
(rennets), I'm really going to be mad."
That statement was used against him in his trial. Maestas
appealed that the remark was obtained illegally and he was thrown off
guard because the officer was laughing.
The court disregarded that argument, saying the officer had reason
to laugh.
Athens (AFP): Four thousand people on the Greek Aegian Sea island of
Gyros today stormed the local court to lynch a 28-year-old Moroccan
dishwasher who pleaded guilty to the rape-murder of a pelican.
He was also accused of attempting to rape two German women
tourists.
The court was told that Abdeldrim Taltal, a married man with a
child, had raped "Marcos the Pelican" on the nearby island of Timos.
The pelican was the island's mascot.
Police said that Taltal's clothing and underwear bore the traces
of the pelican's feathers.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Feb 91 16:54 EST
From: rutgers!pdn.paradyne.com!reggie (George Leach)
To: spaf
Subject: How to Kill A Cockroach
Inspired by Benjamin Chase's contribution:
Coming from the New York/New Jersey area, I thought I had seen it all.
Ancient apartment buildings infested with roaches who owned my kitchen by
night were the rule. It got so bad no one wanted to get up in the middle
of the night to get a drink from the kitchen. And when I left and moved to
Florida I thought I had rid myself forever of the beasts. I even took the
time and trouble to make sure non of the NYC brand came along for the ride
among my possessions. What a waste!
I'll be darned if I can tell the difference between the flying roach
and the palmetto bug. They are both anywhere from an inch to two in length,
and tough. Baseball bats do no good! You can't swing fast enough to get
em in flight and they are too round to get em on the ground. Shoes are tough
because you gotta get close (and who wants to get close to these things).
The best weapon I have found against these guys are my now outdated racketball
rackets. They are lightweight and good for getting those bugs as they fly
right at you! The only problem is range. Maybe a tennis racket would do
the trick, but I broke all mine when I tried to play that silly game.
The best part about using the racket is the mess you make with them
after you have squashed them. Its a lot of fun to scope it up and show it
to the screaming wife and kids.......
[George needs to develop some real hobbies, don't you think? :-) --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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