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Yucks Digest V1 #10
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #10
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Thu, 24 Jan 91 10:25:24 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Thu, 24 Jan 91 Volume 1 : Issue 10
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
Computerscientistium
LOST DOG
Shorts
Word processor atrocities
Zen, Elvis and You
"Watch the War" Home Game, or, How to Ruin Your Liver
BBC Radio 4's Week Ending - joke from January 23 episode
Life during wartime
What Saddam Said Versus What Actually Happened
why DEC stock's been going up
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 24 January 1991
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
I've put all the mideast-related stuff at the end. If you find it
amusing, great. If not, stop after the first 5.
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Date: 23 Jan 91 06:36:20 GMT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Computerscientistium
Newsgroups: rec.humor
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous
deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
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Date: 22 Jan 91 22:15:45 GMT
From: fsajh@acad3.alaska.edu (HAGENSICK ALICIA J)
Subject: LOST DOG
Newsgroups: rec.humor
LOST- Dog, three (3) legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear,
tail broken, recently castrated... answers to name of "Lucky"
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Date: 23 Jan 91 06:19:24 GMT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Shorts
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Bobby Knight storms into Thomas Ehrlich's office at IU, pounds
on desk, says, "Either you raise my salary or I quit!"
Ehrlich says, "Coach, you already make more than the entire
English Department!"
Bobby says, "Yeah, but you just don't understand what I have to put up
with!" He goes out into the hall, grabs a jock who's jogging by, says,
"Hey! Run over to my office and see if I'm there."
Jock takes off, returns 20 minutes later, very sweaty. "You're not
there, Coach!"
"Oh; I see what you mean." says Ehrlich.
"Yeah," says Bobby, "I mean, he could've at least phoned!"
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Date: Mon, 14 Jan 91 09:49:20 PST
From: Pete Mellor <pm@cs.city.ac.uk>
Subject: Word processor atrocities
Newsgroups: comp.risks
On the general theme that a word processor does for words what a food processor
does for food, in his column in the Observer on the Sunday before last, Simon
Hoggart recounted the tale of a novelist who decided at the last minute to
change her main character's name from David to Jeff, with the result that a
piece of dialogue about sculpture referred to the previously unknown work
"Michaelangelo's Jeff".
He followed it up last Sunday with a medical study which was originally written
with the family name of the subject of the research given only as "B", to
preserve confidentiality. For some reason, it was decided that the full name
could, after all, be used, which led to the discovery of the new disease
"Hepatitis Blenkinsop".
Peter Mellor, Centre for Software Reliability, City University, Northampton Sq.,
London EC1V 0HB +44(0)71-253-4399 Ext. 4162/3/1 p.mellor@uk.ac.city (JANET)
[Also noted by smith@canon-research-europe.co.uk (Mark Smith).]
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Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 10:21:06 CST
From: tracy@sirius.cc.utexas.edu (Tracy LaQuey)
Subject: Zen, Elvis and You
To: spaf
I really wish I knew who made this up. This is my all-time favorite joke.
What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
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Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 19:56:44 PST
From: stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: "Watch the War" Home Game, or, How to Ruin Your Liver
Forwarded Message:
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The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN, at each
commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel
is changed.
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last
person to salute takes a shot.
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The
last person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else
takes a shot. That player remains in the room until the "all clear"
is sounded.
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must
shout "Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next
"scud." The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the
phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the
wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they
are called on the error.
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch
CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a
judgment call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says
something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC change
the channel immediately but I probably don't have to tell you that.
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Date: 23 Jan 91 18:09:48 GMT
From: tjfs@tadtec.uucp (Tim Steele)
Subject: BBC Radio 4's Week Ending - joke from January 23 episode
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we
do?"
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell"
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell: "Sir!"
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon!
Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
upheaval, Sir!"
Bush: "That bad?!"
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Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 16:20:27 CST
From: tracy@sirius.cc.utexas.edu (Tracy LaQuey)
Subject: Life during wartime
To: spaf
My parents own a self-serve coin operated car wash as a side business. They
have a sign on which they put corny sayings and advertisements. This week's
says:
Be a Patriot
Wash the Scud off Here
Dad says business is pretty good.
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Date: 22 Jan 91 13:43:54 GMT
From: karl@sugar.hackercorp.com (Karl Lehenbauer)
Subject: What Saddam Said Versus What Actually Happened
Newsgroups: alt.desert-storm,rec.humor
What he said happened:
144 Coalition planes shot down
What really happened:
10 Coalition planes shot down
What he said happened:
Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv.
What really happened:
Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town.
What he said happened:
Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad.
What really happened:
Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed.
What he said happened:
Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors.
What really happened:
Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated).
What he said happened:
Tel Aviv has become a crematorium.
What really happened:
See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above...
What he said happened:
Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh.
What really happened:
Patriot manafacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day.
What he said happened:
Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces.
What really happened:
Hole made in sand dune.
What he said is happening:
Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War
What is really happening:
Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN
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Date: (null)
From: someone
Subject: why DEC stock's been going up
Dateline Wall St. 21-Jan-1991 - Digital Equipment Corporation stock
soared today in a patriotic gesture when high placed military
sources revealed that they had discovered some DEC technology
amid the rubble at several SCUD missle site landings. "From
what we've seen at the crash sites, the SCUDs are apparently
using internal guidance based on Digital's 'Rainbow' series"
said Admiral Fred "Butch" Fersnoozle, pentagon spokesman.
When contacted, a DEC representative admitted dumping the
doomed system on the Iraqi military back in the mid 80's.
"We knew they wanted it for military applications, and we
knew it was a dog" said public relations spokeswoman Barbara
Sheefer. "We just wanted to do our part to destabalize the Iraqi
military machine. What better way than to sell them Rainbows".
President Bush is said to have phoned a congratulatory
message to top DEC man Ken Olson, calling him a "sly dog".
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End of Yucks Digest
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